The closer we get, the more he backs away


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abba61 is offline abba61 Post #1  March 27,2009, 5:28am
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I have been dating a guy for 7 months. We are both in our 40s and divorced. We broke up for a month over Christmas (He was being emotionally distant). Now that we are back together things seemed wonderful and our time together was fantastic. Now after a few months back together, he is pulling away again. It seems that the better things get, the more he starts to pull away. He only calls every few days and it is mostly me that has to suggest getting together - although when we do, it's fantastic. He has never told me that he loves me (which is fine) and has a very hard time telling me how he feels about me. I honestly don't know that I'm on his radar. I think it's important to note that I NEVER talk about the future together or pressure him in any way (I feel)


A couple of days ago, I told him that it would be nice if he called me once in awhile just to say that he is thinking about me and jokingly said that 'women like that'. He hasn't called for 3 days.


Do you think it's wrong to ask for what you want in a relationship?


What is going on here?
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #2  March 27,2009, 6:41am
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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It's called being "emotionally unavailable" ...and, honestly, he's probably not going to change. Don't expect that he is one day going to open his eyes to you. He's obviously happy with the way things are ...you aren't. You have to decide if this is the kind of relationship you want and, if not, don't waste any more of your time on it.
 
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yoga_gal is offline yoga_gal Post #3  March 27,2009, 6:46am
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BikerBeagle,550805 wrote :

It's called being "emotionally unavailable" ...and, honestly, he's probably not going to change. Don't expect that he is one day going to open his eyes to you. He's obviously happy with the way things are ...you aren't. You have to decide if this is the kind of relationship you want and, if not, don't waste any more of your time on it.
Good advice.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  March 27,2009, 6:51am
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I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

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First it is not wrong to ask for what you want in a relationship.


I am not sure that I agree entirely with BikerBeagle. The way I read your post at the beginning he is "emotionally available" and then as things progress he pulls away. This spells commitment phobe to me.


I do agree that on many levels you seem to not be a good match and you should cut your losses and move on to someone that you match more closely with on the romantic, intimate (no not sex) and communication areas.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #5  March 27,2009, 6:56am
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Do you really want to work this hard?


Everybody goes through cycles of emotional distance. Even in the best of relationships. But, if his cycle includes being not just unresponsive but negatively reactive to you asking for a bit more attention...it seems like that's just what he does.


You can sit down with him and have a good talk. It is almost certainly going to be viewed as an ultimatim or an attempt to change him. Best to just state your needs honestly and straighforwardly and then let him show you his response. If it's more of the same, you have to decide if you can live with it or not.


Good luck.
 
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tasmanian is offline tasmanian Post #6  March 27,2009, 7:00am
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hasta la vista !

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sounds like he may be emotionaly unavailableor maybe getting cold feet so to speak. he may be into you in a big way , but just affraid to show it, and affraid of being hurt down the road if he let's his feelings go. ask him point blank, what's up? and if you don't like the answer cut him loose, life is to short to put up with that kind of thing. just be prepared for the answer you may get and do it. good luck
 
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glassonlyhalffull_fillit is offline glassonlyhalffull_fillit Post #7  March 27,2009, 7:03am
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Dear OP,


Communicating your feelings is not wrong, as long as you do so in a NON-confrontational way, which from your post you have. You've even commented lightheartedly ................ A couple of days ago, I told him that it would be nice if he called me once in awhile just to say that he is thinking about me and jokingly said that 'women like that'........in an attempt to get your point across, but even that hasn't worked..........He hasn't called for 3 days.....


I have to ask you, have you had the 'exclusive' chitchat? .......You said......I honestly don't know that I'm on his radar.....from that, I don't think you have? However, if you are in an exclusive relationship with him, it SOUNDS like he may be experiencing fear of commitment.Times are good when together, but when apart, he doesn't call you, and this has made you wonder and question his intentions towards you. He may honestly not know EXACTLY how he feels about you OR he is the type that just doesn't know how to convey his feelings OR he may feel everything is moving along just fine.(for him) lol


He may simply be the type that doesn't call anyone in his life. There are people who never initiate. It's up to you to figure this out about him, and decide if you're okay with it. I suggest, when you tell him how you feel, or that you would like him to take the initiative to make plans, have him parrot you(ensures he really HEARD you). Sometimes people listen to us, but don't hear us!


He may be emotionally unavailable in general(per BB's post)....OP, you said he....has a very hard time telling me how he feels about me. Are you able to cope with that type? I doubt it.


Lastly, next time you see him, tell him something along the lines of ...I've told you how I wish you'd call me, so, I'll leave it up to you to make plans to see me.........BUT mean it!


Good luck!


edit for an after thought:


1) things seemed wonderful and our time together was fantastic.......what was the difference if you say he has a hard time telling you how he feels? Sounds a tad contradictive


2) I think it's important to note that I NEVER talk about the future together ....OP, more importantly, nor has he!
 
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constantseeker is offline constantseeker Post #8  March 27,2009, 10:52am
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I don't know about this guy. He sounds emotionally unavailable, committment phobic, controlling, withholding, all of those bad things. You've gotten good advice here (from the top advice givers I might add).


The only thing I would contribute is that how about next time he calls, don't initiate the next date (difficult, I know but maybe you've established a pattern that hehas become comfortable with). I'd be friendly, but let him make thenext face-to-face plan.


Good luck!
 
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abba61 is offline abba61 Post #9  March 28,2009, 3:44am
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Thank you all. Sad truths are hard to swallow.
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #10  March 28,2009, 4:17am
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glassonlyhalffull_fillit,550828 wrote :

Dear OP,


Communicating your feelings is not wrong, as long as you do so in a NON-confrontational way, which from your post you have. You've even commented lightheartedly ................ A couple of days ago, I told him that it would be nice if he called me once in awhile just to say that he is thinking about me and jokingly said that 'women like that'........in an attempt to get your point across, but even that hasn't worked..........He hasn't called for 3 days.....


I have to ask you, have you had the 'exclusive' chitchat? .......You said......I honestly don't know that I'm on his radar.....from that, I don't think you have? However, if you are in an exclusive relationship with him, it SOUNDS like he may be experiencing fear of commitment.Times are good when together, but when apart, he doesn't call you, and this has made you wonder and question his intentions towards you. He may honestly not know EXACTLY how he feels about you OR he is the type that just doesn't know how to convey his feelings OR he may feel everything is moving along just fine.(for him) lol


He may simply be the type that doesn't call anyone in his life. There are people who never initiate. It's up to you to figure this out about him, and decide if you're okay with it. I suggest, when you tell him how you feel, or that you would like him to take the initiative to make plans, have him parrot you(ensures he really HEARD you). Sometimes people listen to us, but don't hear us!


He may be emotionally unavailable in general(per BB's post)....OP, you said he....has a very hard time telling me how he feels about me. Are you able to cope with that type? I doubt it.


Lastly, next time you see him, tell him something along the lines of ...I've told you how I wish you'd call me, so, I'll leave it up to you to make plans to see me.........BUT mean it!


Good luck!


edit for an after thought:


1) things seemed wonderful and our time together was fantastic.......what was the difference if you say he has a hard time telling you how he feels? Sounds a tad contradictive


2) I think it's important to note that I NEVER talk about the future together ....OP, more importantly, nor has he!

Words to live by...great post!!!!
 
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