The closer we get, the more he backs away


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Tyym is offline Tyym Post #11  March 28,2009, 7:56am
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abba61, wrote :

I have been dating a guy for 7 months. We are both in our 40s and divorced. We broke up for a month over Christmas (He was being emotionally distant). Now that we are back together things seemed wonderful and our time together was fantastic. Now after a few months back together, he is pulling away again. It seems that the better things get, the more he starts to pull away. He only calls every few days and it is mostly me that has to suggest getting together - although when we do, it's fantastic. He has never told me that he loves me (which is fine) and has a very hard time telling me how he feels about me. I honestly don't know that I'm on his radar. I think it's important to note that I NEVER talk about the future together or pressure him in any way (I feel)


A couple of days ago, I told him that it would be nice if he called me once in awhile just to say that he is thinking about me and jokingly said that 'women like that'. He hasn't called for 3 days.


Do you think it's wrong to ask for what you want in a relationship?


What is going on here?

Hi Abba...


I can't tell you what to do or think, but maybe I can offer another perspective.


Maybe, try not to concern you with the 'what' so much as the 'why'. What he is doing and the way he is acting is not so important when you consider the why of it. Of course what he is doing is important (especially if it's abusive), but in this case, what he's doing causes me to wonder why he is acting this way, withdrawing, harbouring andnot communicating.


Probably the most important thing to me in my 'list' of things I look for in a partner starts with this.... "It just shouldn't be that hard". Relationships take reciprocal, honest, considered and considerate work. Obviously,it takes two unique and distinct individuals, but they both have to be available to communicate in a way that works for them.... one of them frequently withdrawing into themselves or making themselves unavailable is not going to promote confidence in the health of the relationship.


Another why question is, "why are you pursuing this?" I understand that when things are great, they seem wonderful, but what is causing you to endure this benaviour? What purpose does it serve for you. From your post, it would seem that it is causing you to doubt yourself or at very least, the relationship. Also... you've already had one separation from him (in 7 months).... why? Sometimes, a time apart is necessary, but when you return, it should be beacuse of some form of resolution and growth.


Consider this too.... we are all responsible for ourselves... if he can't take care of his own emotional health, how can you do it for him. Some people need time to themselves and that's just fine, but withdrawing from a relationship frequently causes me to wonder why that behaviour persists... and more... in that light, why would you go back for more?


To answer your question.... I think it's essential to ask your partner what you want or expectfrom a relationship... how else is your partner supposed to know what is important to you? But when you do, and they don't reciprocate, or if they act in a way that is contrary to your value system.... why continue? I'm not advocating, giving up easily, but the same kind of behaviour without change is usually telling of something that may be unhealthy in the long run.


You have to do what you feel is best for yourself, but I hope you'll ask yourself these questions.... at least you'll know how YOU feel... you can then better decide what to do about how he's acting or his 'why'.


I wish you the very best of luck!


Tim
 
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dnnmllr is offline dnnmllr Post #12  March 28,2009, 9:49am
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abba61, wrote :

I have been dating a guy for 7 months. We are both in our 40s and divorced. We broke up for a month over Christmas (He was being emotionally distant). Now that we are back together things seemed wonderful and our time together was fantastic. Now after a few months back together, he is pulling away again. It seems that the better things get, the more he starts to pull away. He only calls every few days and it is mostly me that has to suggest getting together - although when we do, it's fantastic. He has never told me that he loves me (which is fine) and has a very hard time telling me how he feels about me. I honestly don't know that I'm on his radar. I think it's important to note that I NEVER talk about the future together or pressure him in any way (I feel)


A couple of days ago, I told him that it would be nice if he called me once in awhile just to say that he is thinking about me and jokingly said that 'women like that'. He hasn't called for 3 days.


Do you think it's wrong to ask for what you want in a relationship?


What is going on here?

If your thread title is true, ......The closer we get, the more he backs away.....then I am thinking @ something I read by a licensed professional: "Men are like rubber bands".....and if/when he comes back your relationship (should) will be stronger.....(Some "witty" truth: Please do not "stretch" context here.)


I wish you well.
 
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shellyg is offline shellyg Post #13  March 29,2009, 5:26am
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BikerBeagle,550805 wrote :

It's called being "emotionally unavailable" ...and, honestly, he's probably not going to change. Don't expect that he is one day going to open his eyes to you. He's obviously happy with the way things are ...you aren't. You have to decide if this is the kind of relationship you want and, if not, don't waste any more of your time on it.
This time I agree with BikerBeagle. These types of men are difficult to reach and often times do not know how to respond to your being emotional. As boys, most menare conditioned to supress their emotions. Those that did not were thought of as 'sissy boys'.When they become men and enter the world of relationships with women they are clueless when she starts talking about what she wants. He might want to respond but may not know how to articulate what he is feeling inside. Make no mistake that he has emotions but you have to ask yourself if you are willing to figure out how to get him to express them to you.
 
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