When to ask if a man who has "Maybe" for "Wants children" is open to children?


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BookwormBeauty01 is offline BookwormBeauty01 Post #1  March 26,2009, 7:06pm
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I am a never-married 34-yr.-old woman who has decided in the past year that I would like to have 1-2 children. I have had a number of men in their late 30s and mid-40s who have "Maybe" indicated in the "Wants Children" field initiate communication. I feel like it is a time waster for me if a man (by that age) is not seriously interested in beginning a family after marriage. In most cases for this age bracket, does "Maybe" really mean "Maybe" or is it a politer way of indicating "Not really"? Will I appear desperate or agenda-driven if, during our first few open communication exchanges, I ask this directly? Should this not be brought up until a phone conversation or in-person date? I understand love involves some risks (and time), but I don't want my time unncessarily wasted. Thank you.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #2  March 26,2009, 7:12pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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I think if you phrase your question right it can be very appropriate. For example, you could simply ask what they mean by 'maybe'. If that's an important factor to you I'd ask it quite early, definitely before meeting someone in person. I ask questions right up front that some women might take as me being a bit of a jerk, but I think it's better to get these out of the way early. For example, when I've known that I would be moving at some point in the future I've asked in the first round of GC how they felt about relocating. As I also want to have children if a woman had 'maybe' listed for this I'd ask about this in OC if not before.
 
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Steve_Cam is offline Steve_Cam Post #3  March 26,2009, 7:20pm

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First date. Why waste your time if you two aren't inline with that goal?


-Steve Cam
 
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VB_Girl is offline VB_Girl Post #4  March 26,2009, 7:25pm
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Steve_Cam,550281 wrote :

First date. Why waste your time if you two aren't inline with that goal?


-Steve Cam
Congrats as to your status!
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #5  March 26,2009, 7:27pm

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Hey Bookworm - the maybe throws you - doesn't it??? That was probably one of my first questions ever on here with eha that I asked. Of course, you were much more polite than I was asking it here.


The good news from the responses that I received - maybe can oftentimes mean that men are more interested in finding a good mate and they will follow her lead on that.


The bad news - you just don't really know what maybe means for any of your particular matches. I am inclined to ask any of the questions that I have during the open communication phrase. I figure - that is what it is for, right? To get more insight into what someone is actually looking for.


I know what it is to hear that clock ticking. I am 35, never married and never had kids - not by choice but by circumstances. I want to have kids so I know the maybe can be a little scary.


I still do not quite understand the maybe. You would think people know if they want them or not but I guess when eharmony only gives you one word answers for that type of question - maybe is probably the right answer. It could be they already have kids and do not want any more, it could be that they really mean no but they did not want to say that because they would have more matches or it could be (I think this is an answer for a lot of guys) that they prefer to find a good partner and will have kids or not depending upon the lady's wants.


Hope that helps....MAYBE!!
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #6  March 26,2009, 7:34pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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When this topic has been discussed in previous threads it turned out there were a lot of people whose 'maybe' means they wanted to find a spouse first and would then want to have children. I'd have thought that people with this objective would just put 'yes' but they considered putting 'yes' to be 'putting the cart before the horse'.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #7  March 26,2009, 7:40pm

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It is hard (at least for me) because I think I want to find a man that wants kids. I do not really separate them - they are just kind of lumped together for me.


I did take heart from the previous threads because so many people did respond that they would have kids if their partner wanted them.
 
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Steve_Cam is offline Steve_Cam Post #8  March 26,2009, 7:52pm

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I have maybe, but that is because I am 36, and realize that the ideal situation may not play out for me in time to have children. I have also come to accept the fact that it may not happen, so it isn't a deal breaker if I meet a gal who can no longer have children. Most of the matches that I get along with are in their late 30's and are beyond wanting children(and/or ability), the matches under 30, I just havent got along withyet.


But if the ideal situation arises(she is wanting them, and is sane enough to have some), I'd jump all over the opportunity.


-Steve Cam
 
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Steve_Cam is offline Steve_Cam Post #9  March 26,2009, 7:53pm

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VB_Girl,550287 wrote :

Steve_Cam,550281 wrote :


First date. Why waste your time if you two aren't inline with that goal?


-Steve Cam


Congrats as to your status!
TY VB_Girl,,Visual Basic??? 29th makes 1 full year! Most that know me never imagined they would see the day happen.


-Steve Cam
 
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janissary is offline janissary Post #10  March 26,2009, 8:19pm
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Before your first date. Men are generally honest before they decide they want you. So if they don't want kids, they'll say it. And you can cut your losses and move on.


I would also ask again on your first date, but with an open ended question like "what are your career, family and personal goals in 5 years?" You can gauge how serious they are about kids based on how much they elaborate on that. Have they thought about parenthood and what it takes? Are they involved with their nieces and nephews? Etc.


Men are pretty straightforward in that if you ask a closed question "how many kids do you want", they'll just respond bluntly "2" without mentioning that that is maybe two kids maybe 10 years from now, after your eggs have expired.


If he hasn't thought about it or is undecided, he'll admit it too.
 
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