Dating and Cold Sores


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jimstevens is offline jimstevens Post #1  April 16,2008, 7:44pm
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I'm a 33 year old single guy. After my last relationship I noticed that I started getting cold sores around my mouth. After doing some reading I found that this is caused by the Herpes virus and cannot be cured although the majority of the population has it. My dilemma is I've met someone I like and have been on a few dates but haven't kissed her and I think she might be thinking I'm not interested. I'm hesitant because I feel like I should disclose this to her before kissing but both my doctor and my med student friend said not to worry about it - I don't tell them I have the cold virus (which is incurable as well). Its just that everyone talks about herpes the STD and how bad it is but never about Herpes the cold sore - it's like everyone treats it as two completely different viruses. I wanted to get feedback from everyone - should I disclose (and kill the romance over something that most people have) or not disclose (and have her resent me for not being up front and giving her something to remember me by)? Further, what about oral sex? (Don't worry this is much farther down the line - just thought I'd ask at the same time) It seems to me that's a no brainer, right? Since the risk that I could transfer it below the belt is likely it seems to me I'd want to hold off until we had a chance to discuss? But essentially at that point we'd have to decide whether to wait until she has the virus before venturing below the belt or use some type of protection - neither choice sounds that great...

Thanks in advance!
 
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Nad is offline Nad Post #2  April 19,2008, 2:32am
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I've dated a guy that had that... it's been 5 years since then.. and I've never got it!! We didn't kiss while he was having it though... About disclosing... Honestly, I'd prefer to know in advance, and advancemeaning not acouple seconds before the kiss... (Hementionedit in a conversation, and we had a small discussion about it).But I have to say it depends on the person and how much she's interested in you... On the other hand, it seems that your ex didn't really worry aboutwhether to tell you or not....Good luck in either way!
 
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NiqueGirl is offline NiqueGirl Post #3  April 19,2008, 3:02am
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Cold sores and herpes are not the same thing - they're two different strains of the Herpes complex. And STD is a disease you get specifically from sex - you can get a cold sorefrom drinking from someone else's glass or kissing your mom,not the same thing. I get cold sores and don't consider this an STD so don't "disclose" anything. If I have a sore, I don't kiss people or have oral sex, no big deal. You can feel them coming on so you don't infect people.You're making amuch bigger deal of this than it needs to be and you're going to scare your dates away.When I had a cold sore, mythen boyfriend dind't freak out or break up with me because of it, it was a non-issue.
 
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NiqueGirl is offline NiqueGirl Post #4  April 19,2008, 3:03am
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Oh, one more thing, you can't give someone the sore unless you actually have the sore on your mouth so if you kiss someone and you don't have the sore, you're not going to give them cold sores.
 
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yarn1754 is offline yarn1754 Post #5  April 19,2008, 3:56am
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In regards to oral sex, you can transmit Herpes 1 (or Herpes 2, I don't remember which is which), just like you can get Herpes 2, the STD, on your face. So, if you have an open sore on your face, don't go down on her. It is true, that Herpes 1, unlike Herpes 2, can only be transmitted when you have a sore. I wouldn't worry about it.
 
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Emme is offline Emme Post #6  April 19,2008, 5:43am

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Actually, you CAN give someone herpes when you don't have an outbreak. I read somewhere that the majority of people who have herpes got it when their partner wasn't having an outbreak. Also, you can get cold sores from the strain of herpes virus that usually causes genital herpes, which is HSV II. You can have HSV II orally, though it usually causes fewer outbreaks. So unless you have your herpes typed, you can't know if your oral herpes is caused by HSV I, which causes most oral outbreaks and to which most people have been exposed, or HSV II, which causes most genital herpes outbreaks. Herpes is not limited to just mouths and exact genitalia, either. Some people have outbreaks on their thighs or buttocks, so even if you don' t have sex, or use a condom when you have sex, there is no guarantee that you're not transmitting the virus because you have no outbreak on your actual genitalia. So yes, genital herpes is considered an STI, but it's not limited to transmission by actual intercourse, and condoms do not provide 100% protection.

Jim, I have had one oral herpes outbreak in my life and it was many years ago. It has never recurred, but I have no idea if I shed the virus when I'm not having an outbreak. For this reason I tend to tell people about this before anything more happens than a simple peck of a kiss. I do NOT want to accidentally transmit this to some unsuspecting person, either by kissing or oral sex or whatever. I don't think it is my right to make that decision for someone else. I would be devastated if I knew I gave this virus to some unsuspecting person. So unlike Nique above, I do feel the need to tell people about this and I do disclose it. Most people don't even blink about it since cold sores are so incredibly prevalent and just about everyone has been exposed to HSV I (although I have no idea if that's strain I have). Even if it's a dealbreaker for someone, I would feel much better having told them than if I didn't. And since most people don't blink when I tell them, it's generally a non-issue. But I always feel much better for having been upfront.
 
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goldenslover is offline goldenslover Post #7  April 19,2008, 7:36am
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Some articles...

http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/cold-sores

http://www.webmd.com/genital-herpes/guide/herpes-std-you-already-have
 
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NEW AGE WISE GUY is offline NEW AGE WISE GUY Post #8  April 22,2008, 12:53am
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JIM,when you say,after my last girlfriend or relationship, how do YOU think you got it? Thats right,you went down on her,shame on her for not telling you.The word HERPES is and should be scarry to everyone,It's stories like this that keep this virus spreading. I feel bad for you and would only hope that people, reading your story with this virus will truly go deep in their soul and find the true meaning of HONESTY,thats where it's kept and ment to be shared............N.A.W.G.
 
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jimstevens is offline jimstevens Post #9  April 22,2008, 9:25am
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NiqueGirl,85604 wrote :

Cold sores and herpes are not the same thing - they're two different strains of the Herpes complex. And STD is a disease you get specifically from sex - you can get a cold sore from drinking from someone else's glass or kissing your mom, not the same thing. I get cold sores and don't consider this an STD so don't "disclose" anything. If I have a sore, I don't kiss people or have oral sex, no big deal. You can feel them coming on so you don't infect people. You're making a much bigger deal of this than it needs to be and you're going to scare your dates away. When I had a cold sore, my then boyfriend dind't freak out or break up with me because of it, it was a non-issue.
NiqueGirl - I think you may have your facts a little off. Cold sores is herpes. Cold sores are caused by the Herpes Simplex Virus (HSV) - typically the HSV-I strain. Genital Herpes is also caused by HSV - generally HSV-II although the rate of HSV-I genitally is rising (some report this due to teen perceptions that oral sex is not sex and you can't catch anything that way).

There was a lot more to my story than what I disclosed just because I wanted to keep it simple. My ex had HSV-I genitally. I tested positive over a year after she tested positive. So I know from first hand experience that you can get HSV-I in either place (I only have outbreaks orally and statistically is near impossible to have it in both places).

As for ONLY being able to get it while an active sore is present...that is completely false. My ex and I never engaged in any risky behaviour while she had an outbreak - she only had one while we were dating. So I also know firsthand you can get them while no outward symptoms are present - this is called asymptomatic shedding. Asymptomatic shedding varies based on frequency of outbreaks, location of infection, how recent the virus was acquired, etc.

The reality is that if you have HSV orally you can give it to your partner when symptoms are or are not present. Further, you can give it orally or genitally regardless of your infection site. Statistically its less likely to occur in different scenarios - female to male, genital to oral, etc but it can happen. It is a risk. I'm trying to understand how people manage those risks and also how they manage perceptions. How they communicate that risk to new or potential partners. Because the reality is also that HSV is just annoying - it doesn't cause birth defects, premature death, cancer etc etc.

I hope this clarifies some misunderstandings about the disease. Let me know if you'd like references as I certainly have a few in the research I've done. Unfortunately there isn't a lot out there on social interactions!
 
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jimstevens is offline jimstevens Post #10  April 22,2008, 10:05am
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NEW AGE WISE GUY,87387 wrote :
JIM,when you say,after my last girlfriend or relationship, how do YOU think you got it? Thats right,you went down on her,shame on her for not telling you.The word HERPES is and should be scarry to everyone,It's stories like this that keep this virus spreading. I feel bad for you and would only hope that people, reading your story with this virus will truly go deep in their soul and find the true meaning of HONESTY,thats where it's kept and ment to be shared............N.A.W.G.
NAWG - I would like to point out (since I just posted a more detailed response to NiqueGirl) that I did not disclose that I got it from "going down on her" (although I did).

It's important to understand that nearly half of those with oral herpes got it while they were kids from adults. It is most commonly spread through kissing. The reason it keeps spreading is several reasons - 1) people don't know they have it 2) people know and don't tell 3) people don't know the facts (like thinking you can only get if from "going down" on someone) 4) the medical community plays down cold sores and plays up genital herpes (going back to my original comment about treating like two different infections)

Also, I would like to know whether you ask your partners if they have the virus before you kiss them. THAT is how it spreads. I think you see this a little too black and white. You go to the door after having a great night, the chemistry is there, you gaze into their eyes, you feel the intensity...and then? Statistically, 7 out of every 10 dates you go on has cold sores. So...do you ask her if she has it? Hug her and bring it up later? Kiss her because she probably has it anyway and you have no tingling, no outbreaks in the past year, and the passion meter is through the roof?
 
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