should I give him another chance after he cheated? help


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bizzeebee is offline bizzeebee Post #1  March 24,2009, 11:15am
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Hi, I'm new to the advice board but I appreciate any and all info! Basically, I caught my boyfriend cheating. I called in sick one day and went to spend the day with him. While we were getting intimate, his ex-girlfriend came walking in the front door. We've been dating for 8 months but exclu. for 3 months. we all sit down to talk and I realize that they've been seeing each other for the past 5-6 months, they were planning a trip together (so were we) and she lives 4 doors down! He has apologized profusely, is willing to do anything in his power, suggested to move, change gyms (they workout at the same place) give me a key, etc. I told him I needed time. I m not sure if I can trust him, especially since she lives just a few doors down! I talked to her one-on-one and she did have it a little twisted in her mind the nature of their relationship. she doesnt have a house key, she just had it like that to walk in, he use to do the same. Should I give him another chance?
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  March 25,2009, 6:39pm
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This is a matter of your personal values to decide.


If he promised explicitly[/i] fidelity to you and breeched that promise, he is a liar and I would dump that person instantly. If no promise was made, and you made a faulty assumption, that is your[/i] error.


I can see myself keeping a partner who was unfaithful, though the circumstance under which I would is narrow.


I see the decision as, think about how you will feel, if you keep him and find he does this again?


Or, you dump him and take the chance the next guy is better – which is by no means certain.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  March 25,2009, 7:15pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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The good news is you've only invested 8 months (3 months exclusive) in him. It could have been a lot more. Be glad you haven't wasted more time and cut your losses, and him, loose.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #4  March 25,2009, 7:32pm
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If this was a longer-term relationship I might be inclined to consider the circumstances a bit further before ending things but this early on, if his eye is wandering and his behavior is bad, it's not going to get any better.


While there are exceptions, generally speaking, liars lie and cheaters cheat. People can and do change but usually not by getting caught in the act. What you're hearing is not remorse so much as desperation. Has he offered anything other than promises? Changing locations isn't going to change who he intrinsically is. There will be other temptations in other places. This is a factor of his character, which seems to be lacking in some key areas.


In the end, as D_Lion has said, you have to decide what you can and can't live with. But can you live with him without questioning where he is every time he's not with you?


Good luck.
 
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gr8guy is offline gr8guy Post #5  March 25,2009, 7:51pm
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bizzeebee, wrote :

Hi, I'm new to the advice board but I appreciate any and all info! Basically, I caught my boyfriend cheating. I called in sick one day and went to spend the day with him. While we were getting intimate, his ex-girlfriend came walking in the front door. We've been dating for 8 months but exclu. for 3 months. we all sit down to talk and I realize that they've been seeing each other for the past 5-6 months, they were planning a trip together (so were we) and she lives 4 doors down! He has apologized profusely, is willing to do anything in his power, suggested to move, change gyms (they workout at the same place) give me a key, etc. I told him I needed time. I m not sure if I can trust him, especially since she lives just a few doors down! I talked to her one-on-one and she did have it a little twisted in her mind the nature of their relationship. she doesnt have a house key, she just had it like that to walk in, he use to do the same. Should I give him another chance?
I'd say move on.


Here's why. Their lives are way too intwined to figure out where the do not cross line is. They live very close to each other, if you weren't that day I have no doubt that they would have gotten intimate with each other. She has a twisted idea of how things were/are. They go to the same gym.
 
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funnyhair09 is offline funnyhair09 Post #6  March 25,2009, 8:57pm
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I have to admit you are taking this awfully well. If this happened to me, I'd be devastated, much less wondering if I should give him another chance. I'm guessing the emotions are not running really deep here to begin with. Here is my version of what happened, he started dating you....missed sleeping with his ex....started having sex with her while dating you and maybe even sleeping with you too....kept stringing her along like they were back together (i.e. planning trips, etc.) just to keep the sex going...while dating and having sex with you.


So now the situation is in reverse, he is now stringing YOU along by saying he will move, join another gym, do anything in his power to fix this....on and on and on. Do you see the pattern here? Do you see what he is game is? Sometimes all it takes is taking a step back to see what is really going on.
 
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Benevolence32 is offline Benevolence32 Post #7  March 25,2009, 9:06pm
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Kick this loser to the curb, he's only sorry that he got caught. He's a total player.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #8  March 25,2009, 9:18pm
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Ditto. As if cheating on you weren't bad enough, he's doing it with a woman who lives only 4 doors down. He had to know that his chances of getting caught had to be pretty good, yet he was willing to take those chances anyway. Maybe I'm overanalyzing this, but that shows that his heart isn't truly into your relationship.
 
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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #9  March 25,2009, 9:52pm
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The guy is playing BOTH of you. I'm unclear about this: Was he cheating on you with her, or was he cheating on her with you?
 
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kat5560 is offline kat5560 Post #10  March 25,2009, 10:18pm
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i am so sorry for hurt. i dont think anyone can tell you what to do. the best advice i could think would be to follow what your heart is telling you. but in order to do that you have to listen to your heart clearly (and not let your mind or wishful thinking interfere). i can look back on many times in my life and realize now that if i had been listening to my heart and gut feeling that i would have madedifferent choices. if i were to give you my gut opinion based on what you tell us, i would tend to agree with the other posters for all the reasons they already gave you.


i have been through my own stuff with this, but the cercumstanses were entirely different,, and it got me to thinking,,(and this is a question to the readers out there). has anyone ever forgiven and stayed and had a really happy great outcome and happiness to follow. i read a book awhile ago that was titled "my husbands affair was the best thing that ever happened to me". they acually not only worked through it and became happy,, but also now run a country wide help group for people going through it (and they run this group together). in my mind cheating is not always having sex with another person. i think it can be emotional cheating or a betrayal of trust. i was just wondering if anyone that is reading this has ever really had a good out come or knew anyone else who did.
 
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