Can someone help me understand him?


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churumbeque is offline churumbeque Post #1  March 21,2009, 11:06am
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Welcome to the world of dating. 1st of all if he can't figure out that if you were living with your husband you probably wouldn't be able to talk on the phone for hours every night. And I hate to pass judgement but I am suprised that with a child that you would have that much time to talk on the phone. Your child should benumber one. Why waste so much energy on a man that cannot communicate and still lives with his mommy at 38? Get your priorities straight woman and find your self as a person not as someone who jumps from a marraige into a relationship. When you get him out of your system you can be in control and not let him back in. Get some independance.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #2  March 21,2009, 11:08am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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It sounds like part of why he stopped communication with you is because you are not actually divorced (apparently with some lies told to him about you thrown in). If this is the case stop trying to prove to him that you are really going to get divorced....and actually do it. That should be your priority anyway.


You say you're in the process of getting a divroce...and that you've been talking to him since October 2008. Apparently you've been telling him you are going through a divorce and that it would be finalized shortly....for almost a year and a half. If I were him I'd be doubtful about whether you were actually getting a divorce, even without having heard any lies from someone else. I think whetheryou calm down or be patient is irrelevant. I don't think you need advice on how to convince a man that you truly are going to get a divorce, you just need to do it.


Edit: you started by saying you've been talking to him for 6 months....and then later wrote you've been talking to him since Oct. 2008.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  March 21,2009, 11:16am
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What you are doing is exactly what you need to be doing - cut him off permanently and cut him out of your life. He is a coward and sounds like a bit of a loser too. Time to look inward and re-learn how to live on your own without a spouse and rediscover the fun girl in you. So enjoy, heal and don't let losers into your life - you don't need them.
 
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Rahainia is offline Rahainia Post #4  March 21,2009, 11:16am
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There are so many variables in the relationship, it's difficult to know where to begin. However, here's a few to consider:


1. The fact that your divorce is not yet finalized, may upset him. Some people can not deal with not being the first, the only...KWIM?


2. Your child - while I'm sure is a perfect angel - well, same reason as #1.


3. He's a wuss...let's do a recap, shall we? He lives with Mommy and Daddy at 38 years of age. Unless they are 100% reliant on him, it's time for the apron strings to be cut. And, to top it all off, he's apparently willing to listen to your mutual friend's evil whisperings about you. if he cared he would have defended you and/or talked with you first before going all silent.


Look, he might be a guy who falls under the Friend category - for that, I wouldn't ignore his calls. But keep it at friendship...nothing more. You have your own issues to resolve...and it sounds like he does, too.
 
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blondeplusabmw is offline blondeplusabmw Post #5  March 21,2009, 11:29am
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I am going through a divorce and it will be finalized shortly. I have 1 child as well. I have been talking to a man on the phone for about 6 months. I met him through a mutual friend and discovered that we went to the same school. I remembered him since he is older than me.

When we first started talking, I told him my martial status, that I have a child etc. and he was fine with it. We would talk on the phone for hours almost everyday. I felt a connection and thought we would be compatible. He said that I "was a nice girl, he enjoyed speaking to me and that he would love to take me out." This hasn't happened yet. First, he was busy with work, then he had to travel, then it was something else. I was patient and didn't push.

Unfortunately, I had a falling out with our mutual friend and she apparently told him some falsehoods about me. She said I was a liar, selfish, scheming and still living with my ex. He immediately decided to cut me off without question. I knew something was wrong when he stopped calling after 3 weeks. I called him and left messages and texts. He ignored them and turned off his phone if I called. I became angry and felt I deserved an explanation on what happened. I left him a message and wanted to know what happened and said he was a coward for avoiding me. As soon as he got the message, he called me and we fought. I told him that he should have addressed the issues with me. He said that I was right but never apologized. He thought we were "good."


Well, ever since this "information" was told to him, he has backed off. His calls have become less frequent and he is distant. I have tried everything to reassure him of things (I offered to show him my lawyer bills, court documents, come into my home and see I live with my daughter) He said he wasn't like that and he claims that we are "good." I don't believe him and finally asked if he still wanted to talk and pursue something. He said, "You're a nice girl, I enjoy talking to you and I'd love to take you out." He has utilized this exact phrase on 4 -5 occasions.


I understand that he wants to be cautious but his mind has been tainted. About a month ago, I decided that I was tired of the wishy-washiness and stopped calling. A month later, he calls me and wondered if I was mad. He again used used his favorite phrase about me being a nice girl...


This is a 38 year old man. He lives with his parents still, has a business and only had like 2 major relationships (that I know of). He is so indecisive and I have never dealt with this before. I get him out of my system and he appears again, we seem to connect and then he retreats.


I am so angry with him and his behavior. I have never been treated like this before. I have decided to cease all contact with him. I will not return his calls nor offer him an explanation for this. I don't think he'll care anyway.


Am I being too harsh or should I try to calm down and be patient?


Please help!
 
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Jato87 is offline Jato87 Post #6  March 21,2009, 11:54am
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blondeplusabmw, wrote :

This is a 38 year old man. He lives with his parents still, has a business and only had like 2 major relationships (that I know of). He is so indecisive and I have never dealt with this before. I get him out of my system and he appears again, we seem to connect and then he retreats.




You asked for help in understanding him; I think theanswer is in your own paragraph above. He's not matured even to the point of moving away from mommy. I think that his repeating several times that he thinks you're nice and he'd like to take you out, without making any effort to doso, further verifies this. Even if you did go out, do you think he could manage the next step?
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #7  March 21,2009, 12:02pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Jato87,541843 wrote :

You asked for help in understanding him; I think theanswer is in your own paragraph above. He's not matured even to the point of moving away from mommy. I think that his repeating several times that he thinks you're nice and he'd like to take you out, without making any effort to doso, further verifies this. Even if you did go out, do you think he could manage the next step?
I don't see why any man would be thinking about a 'next step' with a woman who is still married. A next step would be appropriate when, or if, she is legally divorced. Not before.
 
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Doctora2012 is offline Doctora2012 Post #8  March 21,2009, 12:10pm
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"Am I being too harsh or should I try to calm down and be patient?"


Yikes....in the past, you called and texted him numerous times, called him a coward, offered to show him lawyer bills and court papers......sorry, but all of this would raise red flags for me if I were the guy. Love yourself; don't demean yourself by going to these extreme measures to convince a guy that you're worth getting to know and taking out.


I think you should simply move on. There's really no reason to be angrywith him. This may sound harsh, but he really has no obligation to explain or apologize for his behavior. You are not in a relationship and it doesn't seem as though he intended to establish one with you. If he chose to believe the lies that your former friend told him, then this obviously says something about him -- he didn't take the time to get to know the real you, and is therefore not worth your time and effort.


It seems as though he has a lot of control over you --- he callsyou, and all of a sudden you're "good" again; he then withdraws, comes back, and you're "good" again. Don't give him this power. Move on, forget about him, and invest your time and energy intoraising your daughter and dealing with the divorce.





.....Best wishes
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #9  March 21,2009, 12:12pm
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jayjay,541857 wrote :

Jato87,541843 wrote :


You asked for help in understanding him; I think theanswer is in your own paragraph above. He's not matured even to the point of moving away from mommy. I think that his repeating several times that he thinks you're nice and he'd like to take you out, without making any effort to doso, further verifies this. Even if you did go out, do you think he could manage the next step?


I don't see why any man would be thinking about a 'next step' with a woman who is still married. A next step would be appropriate when, or if, she is legally divorced. Not before.
Agreed. Neither side has unclean hands here.
 
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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #10  March 21,2009, 12:15pm
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Perhaps you should clarify: What is his living situation. Does he live in his parents' house, or do they live in his? Is he taking care of them? Before everyone rips on this guy, do note that she is posting this out of anger and frustration. I have serious doubts that this woman would bother to give this guy a chance if there weren't a circumstance that she conviently left out, due to her venting and frustration. After all, does it really make sense that a woman with a BMW would be at all interested in a 38 year old who lived with their parents out of immaturity? She said he owns his own business. She said he was busy with work and travel.


What happened that caused you and your friend to have the fallingout? And when she spilled the beans to him, was it really falsehoods, or was it half-truths?


Whether it is fair or not, you should just let the guy go. Your extreme attempts to try to prove yourself to him only make him MORE suspicious.
 
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