Do I ask or should I tell?


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
softwhisper is offline softwhisper Post #1  March 14,2009, 8:38am
softwhisper's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Jun 2008

Canada

Posts: 86

See profile

I have found myself in a situation that I have never encountered before and although I know what the next step is I don’t know how to accomplish it. For fans of the short-lived series Pushing Daisies: The facts are these:

6 months, 2 weeks and 4 days ago I reconnected with an old friend right in the middle of a huge lifestyle change for me. We spend a lot of time together, seeing each other once or twice a week. Everything from movies, theatre and evenings on the couch watching DVD’s. Initially I was confused that after 3 or 4 occasions that nothing physical has happened. No kissing, holding hands, etc. although each time we see each other we hug goodbye. In the last six months I have had several family emergencies which coupled with my big lifestyle change had me on an emotional rollercoaster so I just accepted how things were between us as I didn’t have the emotional energy to figure out if I wanted more than friendship.

Now that my life has settled down, I know that I want more than friendship with this man and realize that we need to have a conversation about it. This will either move us into the direction of a relationship or put quite a twist into our friendship (which I may not like but have accepted the risk). So now to my question: Do I ask him how he is feeling or do I tell him how I feel?

I toss the phrases ‘Are you attracted to me’, ‘How do you feel about us/me’ or ‘I am starting to feel more for you than friendship’ and ‘I want you to become more than a friend in my life’ around in my head at a dizzing speed. I have never had to have this kind of conversation before and I am honestly at a loss as to how to start it. I would be interested to know from the men in the EH Advice verse if you have ever had a woman start this kind of conversation with you and if you would rather hear about how the woman feels or be asked how you feel.
If you have made it to the end of this post, thank you. Any and all thoughts would be appreciated.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  March 14,2009, 8:51am
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,659

See profile



You tell him.


This is totally clear: being vague and passive is the turn-off … “oh, like, do you, you know, like me?” Don’t even think about it.


Two choices, one, you state your intent; two, you act without stating, such as by kissing.
 
  Reply With Quote
softwhisper is offline softwhisper Post #3  March 14,2009, 9:22am
softwhisper's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Jun 2008

Canada

Posts: 86

See profile

D_Lion,529575 wrote :

You tell him.


This is totally clear: being vague and passive is the turn-off … “oh, like, do you, you know, like me?” Don’t even think about it.


Two choices, one, you state your intent; two, you act without stating, such as by kissing.
Well, laying a big wet one on him certainly isn't vague is it!
 
  Reply With Quote
DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  March 14,2009, 9:33am
DancingFool's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 5,744

See profile



Definitely you tell him rather than asking him. Of course you can always chose the non-verbal route. :P However, I would first ascertain that he is not interested in anyone else before doing either.
 
  Reply With Quote
zenmerlin is offline zenmerlin Post #5  March 14,2009, 9:40am
zenmerlin's Avatar

Has gone walkabout

Enthusiast

Joined: Jul 2008

Lansing, MI

Posts: 680

See profile

The next time that you see him, just sit down and tell him how you feel. The two of you haven’t actedas anything otherthan friends. So just keep it that way he should be able to tell you how he honestly feels about you. Respect his boundaries and allow him to tell you where he is at. This way if he wishes to remain your friend and not start relationship things will not be awkward between the two of you.


I was in the opposite situation, I told my friend how I felt about her and she told me that she viewed me more like a brother and she didn’t want to pursue a relationship with me. I was cool with that, I was proud to be her brother and we remained friends for a very long time
 
  Reply With Quote
Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  March 14,2009, 9:48am
Gr8Guyn2008's Avatar

I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

Sage

Joined: Jan 2008

Orlando, FL

Posts: 19,670

See profile



Since you are the one that is having the feelings to move beyond friendship (at least you are the one asking) you should tell him your feelings towards him. After you have told him your feelings you can ask him if he feels similarly.


You should be prepared for the very real fact that he may not have the same feelings toward you and that he will run for the hills (screaming). Another thing that I see in your post is that you should also consider that while he gives you a goodbye hug, he may not be an overly touchy feely romantic type if this is something that is important to you.


Now I definitely have to put my DISCLAIMER on this post. I don't know anything about anything. And in this case I am certainly not even qualified to offer an opinion. However that has never stopped me before as I have an opion on everything and I like to share. So use this advice at your own risk, YMMV.
 
  Reply With Quote
SierraMountainAir is offline SierraMountainAir Post #7  March 14,2009, 9:54am
SierraMountai…'s Avatar

The Doctor just called. Your test results are in.

Power Poster

Joined: Apr 2008

California, but NORTHERN California

Posts: 6,025

See profile



Kiss him as though you mean it, and you should certainly get your answer from that, after 6 months!!





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Once he drew





With one long kiss my whole soul thro'





My lips, as sunlight drinketh dew.





~~Tenneyson





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





"Kissing is like drinking salted water; you drink, and your thirst increases"





~~Chinese proverb





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





Is not a kiss the very autograph of love? ~Henry Finck





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





How did it happen that their lips came together? How does it happen that birds sing, that snow melts, that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens behind the stark shapes of trees on the quivering summit of the hill? A kiss, and all was said. ~Victor Hugo

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





kisses are a better fate
than wisdom.
~e.e. cummings





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


She kissed me, and my mouth wrote a poem of welcome to her lips. ~Ward Elliot Hour


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





See! the mountains kiss high heaven,
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister flower would be forgiven
If it disdained its brother;
And the sunlight clasps the earth,
And the moonbeams kiss the sea: -
What are all these kissings worth,
If thou kiss not me?
~Percy Bysshe Shelley, Love's Philosophy





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~














A kiss is a lovely trick





Designed by nature to stop speech





When words become superfluous





~~Ingrid Bergman.





~~~~~~~~~~
 
  Reply With Quote
softwhisper is offline softwhisper Post #8  March 14,2009, 10:15am
softwhisper's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Jun 2008

Canada

Posts: 86

See profile

zenmerlin,529669 wrote :

I was in the opposite situation, I told my friend how I felt about her and she told me that she viewed me more like a brother and she didn’t want to pursue a relationship with me. I was cool with that, I was proud to be her brother and we remained friends for a very long time
Thanks. It's good to know that if it doesn't go the way I want that there is hope that the friendship can continue since he is such an important part of my life.
 
  Reply With Quote
softwhisper is offline softwhisper Post #9  March 14,2009, 10:18am
softwhisper's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Jun 2008

Canada

Posts: 86

See profile

Gr8Guyn2008,529682 wrote :

Since you are the one that is having the feelings to move beyond friendship (at least you are the one asking) you should tell him your feelings towards him. After you have told him your feelings you can ask him if he feels similarly.


You should be prepared for the very real fact that he may not have the same feelings toward you and that he will run for the hills (screaming). Another thing that I see in your post is that you should also consider that while he gives you a goodbye hug, he may not be an overly touchy feely romantic type if this is something that is important to you.


Now I definitely have to put my DISCLAIMER on this post. I don't know anything about anything. And in this case I am certainly not even qualified to offer an opinion. However that has never stopped me before as I have an opion on everything and I like to share. So use this advice at your own risk, YMMV.
Good point that since I am the one with the feelings I should be telling him not asking. I have seen your sage advice on the boards and no need for a disclaimer! Thoughtful and to the point, thanks.
 
  Reply With Quote
j2 is offline j2 Post #10  March 14,2009, 10:40am
j2's Avatar

is pure grade A eeeeeevil... bwahahahahahahahah!

Enthusiast

Joined: Jan 2008

Posts: 680

See profile



don't tell him about your 'feelings '. odds are good he won't really get it. tell him what you want . most men are objective orientated. if you tell me how much you care for me, how important i am to you, odds are i will think 'of course we are friends after all.' if you tell me you want a romantic relationship with me? not much room for miscomunication. also most men natively view talking about problems as problem solving sessions. your feelings give us nothing to work on, but we can work on how to get you what you want.


edit: obviously in talking about what you want your feelings will come up, this is fine. but you need to be clear about what you want... and by that i don't mean the white picket fence with 2.5 kids, i mean more what you want in the next week(don't specify time frame as that makes it an ultimatum).
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« You will know I love you if..... | Dating | how do I find someone who wants to be there for the long term? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“The guy who wrote the Tao of dating is kind of interesting. I'd check him out if you're looking for a coach. Seems like a lot of the advice he has is good for other areas of life, too.” –  nightling

Join the “So I've been thinking about getting a coach.” discussion

“ Snob. It is a board game, as is Candy Land, and it is no more important. Hah! Yeah, but...my chess board is two-tone onyx; doesn't fold in half. So I forgot about it being a "board" ... ” –  j0hn8andy

Join the “Favorite Board Game” discussion

“So, I just heard from the Matchmaker. Apparently Bill had time to call her from the road. lol She said, in so many words, that he started by enumerating the qualities he loved in me (looks, ... ” –  123noname789

Join the “My first "Matchmaker" date” discussion

“I think women who are fabulous don't need to say so on a date, and as a result come across as comfortable in their own skin.I think women who are fabulous also generally understand that making the ... ” –  nightling

Join the “What do you mean I'm not fabulous?” discussion

“ That's the impression I've gotten.” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Hold on, hold on, hold on!” discussion

“Recent advertisement for EH got me to wondering, will there be a way to tell if someone is just on for the free weekend? With people signing up just for the weekend how will paying members know ... ” –  ItsOkayToLook

Join the “Free Communication Weekend” discussion

“Thanks to you people, today I have "Crazy Penguin Catapult."” –  D_Lion

Join the “What kind of add you see on this board?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 7:24pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0