long-distance matches and the inevitable question about visiting


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goldengirl7676 is offline goldengirl7676 Post #1  March 13,2009, 6:22am
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An eH match and I have been communicating for awhile now and the inevitable question has come up about when am I going to come visit him. We live in different states, so of course travel will be involved somehow if the two of us are to meet in person.


So far, we have gotten along well and he seems like a genuinely nice guy (and yes, I have done some Internet research to verify he really is who he says he is and all of that). I guess I am just a bit bothered by the fact that the same situation that's happened several times before appears to be playing out again. Why don't these guys ever offer to come visit me the first time around or suggest that we meet in a neutral location? I just don't get it. And in all cases, including this one, it has been the guy who has initiated communication in the first place. To me, I think it would be better if they suggested a neutral location or perhaps came here to visit the first time. As a young woman, I feel a bit uncomfortable traveling to a strange city where I know no one and will be meeting a guy I've never met before. Call me paranoid, but I am concerned about mywell-being and am reminded about all of those safety lecturesabout women traveling alone to unfamiliar cities.


Any thoughts?
 
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Jayvee is offline Jayvee Post #2  March 13,2009, 6:59am
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goldengirl7676, wrote :

An eH match and I have been communicating for awhile now and the inevitable question has come up about when am I going to come visit him. We live in different states, so of course travel will be involved somehow if the two of us are to meet in person.


So far, we have gotten along well and he seems like a genuinely nice guy (and yes, I have done some Internet research to verify he really is who he says he is and all of that). I guess I am just a bit bothered by the fact that the same situation that's happened several times before appears to be playing out again. Why don't these guys ever offer to come visit me the first time around or suggest that we meet in a neutral location? I just don't get it. And in all cases, including this one, it has been the guy who has initiated communication in the first place. To me, I think it would be better if they suggested a neutral location or perhaps came here to visit the first time. As a young woman, I feel a bit uncomfortable traveling to a strange city where I know no one and will be meeting a guy I've never met before. Call me paranoid, but I am concerned about mywell-being and am reminded about all of those safety lecturesabout women traveling alone to unfamiliar cities.


Any thoughts?
Hi goldengirl7676


DON'T DO IT. If I were a woman I wouldn't even meet him half way! It is far safer for him to travel to you, especially for the first meeting. If he is interested he will make the trip. You might even offer to pay half the expenses. If you find out he is a jerk you at least will be at home where you have more options if things go bad.


On a positive note, If heisthe man of your dreams (I hope so) and things go well you will feel more comfortable traveling to see him.


If he doesn't want to make the trip, I think you should just move on. Good luck!
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  March 13,2009, 8:54am
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Personally, I'll always pick a neutral place that I know well (usually a touristy, highly public and well populated at all times of day andnight sort of area)and have a clear idea of what we will do with our time. It works well in terms of safety and in terms of meeting and actually having fun things to do without pressure. This is truly the one time where I will plan the date and not leave it up to the guy. If you meet and everything is great and sparks fly, terrific. If you meet and the chemistry is not there, well you can still have a nice time together. If you sense something is not quite right, you are completely free to walk away immediately - no obligations.


I do not like the idea of the guy coming to where I live at all. It puts me in the position of the hostess and if things are not going well, it's a bit difficult to tell the guy to get back on the plane and go home. Likewise, the idea of going to his hometown does not thrill me either.
 
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JMWTurnerFan is offline JMWTurnerFan Post #4  March 13,2009, 9:18am
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Jayvee,527974 wrote :

goldengirl7676, wrote :


An eH match and I have been communicating for awhile now and the inevitable question has come up about when am I going to come visit him. We live in different states, so of course travel will be involved somehow if the two of us are to meet in person.


So far, we have gotten along well and he seems like a genuinely nice guy (and yes, I have done some Internet research to verify he really is who he says he is and all of that). I guess I am just a bit bothered by the fact that the same situation that's happened several times before appears to be playing out again. Why don't these guys ever offer to come visit me the first time around or suggest that we meet in a neutral location? I just don't get it. And in all cases, including this one, it has been the guy who has initiated communication in the first place. To me, I think it would be better if they suggested a neutral location or perhaps came here to visit the first time. As a young woman, I feel a bit uncomfortable traveling to a strange city where I know no one and will be meeting a guy I've never met before. Call me paranoid, but I am concerned about mywell-being and am reminded about all of those safety lecturesabout women traveling alone to unfamiliar cities.


Any thoughts?


Hi goldengirl7676


DON'T DO IT. If I were a woman I wouldn't even meet him half way! It is far safer for him to travel to you, especially for the first meeting. If he is interested he will make the trip. You might even offer to pay half the expenses. If you find out he is a jerk you at least will be at home where you have more options if things go bad.


On a positive note, If heisthe man of your dreams (I hope so) and things go well you will feel more comfortable traveling to see him.


If he doesn't want to make the trip, I think you should just move on. Good luck!

Seconded. He should know that it's better for him to travel to you. Mention your concerns to him; they're natural ones to have. Definitely don't go meet him there; meet at your town or somewhere neutral.
 
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SierraMountainAir is offline SierraMountainAir Post #5  March 13,2009, 10:10am
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I would do it,if I were that guy. I would fly to the citywhere you live.








And I will tell you something else: I would come with NO expectations, that I felt "OWED" a kiss... or more. You need to start out as friends first (in MY dating playbook.) Anything more needs to be built on a foundation of friendship. True anywhere...





The likely perfect person for you could *indeed* live far away from you.Don't you agree?





I had met someone recentlyon an onlinedating site that sounded perfect but I totally had overlooked something in her profile thatmentioned she was looking for someone in her town.





She refused to meet, and she was VERY adament. I only lived 50 miles away and I would have happily made the first, and every later trip. She only wanted to meet guys inside her city limits,and while perhaps she was not really interested, and used that for an excuse, it mattered not.








I was disappointed at that rigidity at first (she said Long Distance dating did not work for her in the past, (and I did not want to pay for the sins of others in her past either) but when it was clear she would not change her mind I immediately moved on.....








I understand that long distance destroys spontaneous moments, like a quick meeting to walk in the park, or going for an ice cream or coffee or to walk the dog, and long distance dating certainlykills that chance, but I have the time and wherewithal to make some of those kind of trips, and while I never flew for one (yet) I would CERTAINLY not rule it out.





I "DO" do distance in this state (and its a big state) but people from time to time seem skeptical, but I like to drive so it doesn't matter too muchmatter. I had a 9 month relationship last year with someone from EH that lived 175 miles away and I ALWAYS drove (ended it for other reasons).








The BIG question of course, is when it got really serious,one or theother would have to relocate if it got serious. (I think women more than men, accept this fact, which ultimately could not be ignored. It's even harder to address when minor children reside at home, I think.)








In your case the guy should meet you whereever YOU specify, as HE initiated, and he knew where you are when he initiated.





Also I am traditional in that the guy should pick her up on the first date, which means at her house or where she asked him to.





I think you are correct in your questioning things, he should come to you the first several times, till you feel comfortable going where he lives.











And it would give you the opportunity to play tour guide (and gracious hostess, as mentioned above) also.
 
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ANWmo1 is offline ANWmo1 Post #6  March 16,2009, 8:46pm
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JMWTurnerFan,528113 wrote :

Jayvee,527974 wrote :


goldengirl7676, wrote :


An eH match and I have been communicating for awhile now and the inevitable question has come up about when am I going to come visit him. We live in different states, so of course travel will be involved somehow if the two of us are to meet in person.


So far, we have gotten along well and he seems like a genuinely nice guy (and yes, I have done some Internet research to verify he really is who he says he is and all of that). I guess I am just a bit bothered by the fact that the same situation that's happened several times before appears to be playing out again. Why don't these guys ever offer to come visit me the first time around or suggest that we meet in a neutral location? I just don't get it. And in all cases, including this one, it has been the guy who has initiated communication in the first place. To me, I think it would be better if they suggested a neutral location or perhaps came here to visit the first time. As a young woman, I feel a bit uncomfortable traveling to a strange city where I know no one and will be meeting a guy I've never met before. Call me paranoid, but I am concerned about mywell-being and am reminded about all of those safety lecturesabout women traveling alone to unfamiliar cities.


Any thoughts?


Hi goldengirl7676


DON'T DO IT. If I were a woman I wouldn't even meet him half way! It is far safer for him to travel to you, especially for the first meeting. If he is interested he will make the trip. You might even offer to pay half the expenses. If you find out he is a jerk you at least will be at home where you have more options if things go bad.


On a positive note, If heisthe man of your dreams (I hope so) and things go well you will feel more comfortable traveling to see him.


If he doesn't want to make the trip, I think you should just move on. Good luck!





Seconded. He should know that it's better for him to travel to you. Mention your concerns to him; they're natural ones to have. Definitely don't go meet him there; meet at your town or somewhere neutral.
I third this! If a guy is really into you he'll come to you. I think it is okay for you to say "You know, I think you should come see me". If says no then say bye bye. It doesn't matter what the reasoning is, just say good bye.
 
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Vibrant is offline Vibrant Post #7  April 14,2009, 7:51am
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I know this is an old tread, but I have a related question:


I met a guy about 3 hours away. I live in a large Metro area where there are a LOT of things to do, whereas he is in a very small town. I like to invite him to a concert, which will end very late, thus not likely he will want to drive home that late and we are likely to have a drink or two at the concert.Is it ok to expect the guy to rent a hotel room and not expect me to stay over with him?


Please help...the concert is this Friday!!!


Vibrant
 
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jet2there is offline jet2there Post #8  April 14,2009, 7:57am
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Jayvee,527974 wrote :

goldengirl7676, wrote :


An eH match and I have been communicating for awhile now and the inevitable question has come up about when am I going to come visit him. We live in different states, so of course travel will be involved somehow if the two of us are to meet in person.


So far, we have gotten along well and he seems like a genuinely nice guy (and yes, I have done some Internet research to verify he really is who he says he is and all of that). I guess I am just a bit bothered by the fact that the same situation that's happened several times before appears to be playing out again. Why don't these guys ever offer to come visit me the first time around or suggest that we meet in a neutral location? I just don't get it. And in all cases, including this one, it has been the guy who has initiated communication in the first place. To me, I think it would be better if they suggested a neutral location or perhaps came here to visit the first time. As a young woman, I feel a bit uncomfortable traveling to a strange city where I know no one and will be meeting a guy I've never met before. Call me paranoid, but I am concerned about mywell-being and am reminded about all of those safety lecturesabout women traveling alone to unfamiliar cities.


Any thoughts?


Hi goldengirl7676


DON'T DO IT. If I were a woman I wouldn't even meet him half way! It is far safer for him to travel to you, especially for the first meeting. If he is interested he will make the trip. You might even offer to pay half the expenses. If you find out he is a jerk you at least will be at home where you have more options if things go bad.


On a positive note, If heisthe man of your dreams (I hope so) and things go well you will feel more comfortable traveling to see him.


If he doesn't want to make the trip, I think you should just move on. Good luck!

I totally agree with the safety of women traveling alone to meet a complete stranger. And like you, I've communicated with guys who lived in other states, and they always seem to ask me to go come to THEM! What's up with this???!! Guys, feel free to jump in. It's not that I wouldn't be willing to travel to be with someone I really cared about...but the first 'meeting' is a safety factor for a woman. Maybe a neutral place would be ok, if you bring a friend along. But home is better. Just be sure, that if he comes to you, he doesn't know where you actually live...not even the vicinity. I recently experienced a stalker, and it was very scary. Be careful!


On a more positive note, best of luck to you if this does turn out to be something wonderful! I know that some people have crossed thousands of miles for their great loves of their lives, and if it works that way, then I think it's very romantic!
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #9  April 14,2009, 7:57am
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@Vibrant


Have you met before? If the answer is no, then this is probably not a great initial meeting plan.


If you have met before, then just talk to him about it straight out. Say that the concert is getting over late, probably too late to drive home, but that you are not yet confortable having him stay at your place.
 
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musmusculus is offline musmusculus Post #10  April 14,2009, 8:24am
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Vibrant,577547 wrote :

I know this is an old tread, but I have a related question:


I met a guy about 3 hours away. I live in a large Metro area where there are a LOT of things to do, whereas he is in a very small town. I like to invite him to a concert, which will end very late, thus not likely he will want to drive home that late and we are likely to have a drink or two at the concert.Is it ok to expect the guy to rent a hotel room and not expect me to stay over with him?


Please help...the concert is this Friday!!!


Vibrant
Is this the first meeting in person? If so, a concert probably isn't the best choice. You would be better off with a quieter environment where you could both talk in peace. Maybe you could do dinner together before the show if you both have your hearts set on the concert.


Regardless, it would be very presumptuous for him NOT to get a hotel room for himself and even more so for him to expect you to share it with him. Make sure that he is crystal clear about your wishes. Well before the concert, ask him where he will be staying and ask for the hotel number so you can call the next morning to wish him a safe trip home.
 
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