That's a perfect description of my ex-husband!! :P


I thought I was smarter than everyone else by marrying the 'nice guy' that everyone else just put in the friend zone. Boy did I learn my lesson.


In my experience, 'nice guys' are frequently people pleasers, and the traits you describe are essentially traits of people-pleasers. 'Nice guys' are the male equivalent of women 'martyrs'. In both cases, they can be 'boring' and 'lifeless' because they've been preoccupied with gaining approval from others and haven't taken the time to actually define who they are, and to develop their own ineterests and personality. They end up being dishonest, because they are overly motivated by what others think, rather than an internal moral barometer, and so what they think and who they are will change depending on who they are around. They are 'shapeshifters' of sorts, and lack consistency and integrity.


They are smothering because their sense of self is dependent on others rather than themselves. Actually, smothering might not be the best term - a friend of mine who used to be a 'nice guy' now refers to his people-pleasing past as 'approval sucking'. So maybe it's more accurate to say they are suckers/emotional leeches rather than smotherers.


That's been my experience anyway. And it's why I now look for good men rather than nice guys - men with a strong moral compass, men with integrity and consistency, men with clear and healthy boundaris, men who are capable of feeling, men who are able to give freely, and who are respectful of themselves and others. There is a huge difference between the two. And it's a difference that you can feel when you're around them, even though on the surface it maight look similar. One gives off a vibe of 'please like me'. The other gives off a vibe of quiet and respectful confidence. They don't have to do anything to 'make you like them.' Who they are is likeable.