Resolved: "Nice Guys" are not nice.


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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #281  August 14,2009, 5:23am
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Mr_Right wrote :
You mean, any really nice, single, available, interested guys around here still?
Are you a mind reader now or did you have to consult the planets for that, Mr?
 
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FengShuiBlackBelt is offline FengShuiBlackBelt Post #282  August 14,2009, 7:08am
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glassonlyhalffull_fillit wrote :
We rely on your actions, for your actions speaks volumes.
That goes both ways, toots. I've found that women almost never want what they say they want in their profiles.
 
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VisualFX is offline VisualFX Post #283  August 14,2009, 10:39am
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FengShuiBlackBelt wrote :
That goes both ways, toots. I've found that women almost never want what they say they want in their profiles.
That has been my experience as well. They may say they want a "nice or good" guy, but there is a two-sided story to that. Women usually date the "mean" guys, because of their outward appearance. Guys who are built like a tank, great shape, and have muscles that look like they are taking steroids. And don't forget tons of tattoos, and being a piece of sh*t towards others.

I had this problem too until recently. I always considered myself a "good" guy. But still never had luck with dating. My matches were closing me out, based on my appearance and photos alone. So I joined a local gym, and got a personal trainer I work with twice a week. After getting in shape I now have women at the gym approaching me to go out on a date.

So ladies, please admit it...You would rather date a great looking hunk of a guy, that is a JERK, than date a "good" guy that has a rather average body or is slightly overweight.

It is really sad though, that most people on these dating websites in their 30's-40's still are making physical appearance their top priority. There are a lot of good guys out there, but they are not handsome as a Playgirl model. The chances you are going to find that is slim to none.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel — Advice Member-Moderator Post #284  August 14,2009, 11:45am
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VisualFX wrote :
That has been my experience as well. They may say they want a "nice or good" guy, but there is a two-sided story to that. Women usually date the "mean" guys, because of their outward appearance. Guys who are built like a tank, great shape, and have muscles that look like they are taking steroids. And don't forget tons of tattoos, and being a piece of sh*t towards others.

I had this problem too until recently. I always considered myself a "good" guy. But still never had luck with dating. My matches were closing me out, based on my appearance and photos alone. So I joined a local gym, and got a personal trainer I work with twice a week. After getting in shape I now have women at the gym approaching me to go out on a date.

So ladies, please admit it...You would rather date a great looking hunk of a guy, that is a JERK, than date a "good" guy that has a rather average body or is slightly overweight.

It is really sad though, that most people on these dating websites in their 30's-40's still are making physical appearance their top priority. There are a lot of good guys out there, but they are not handsome as a Playgirl model. The chances you are going to find that is slim to none.
You've made some pretty huge generalizations here. First, you assume that because a guy is better looking than you that he treats others poorly. Second, you assume that women like/will accept being treated poorly by a good looking man. Third, you assume that all women want to date men that are good looking and that's it.

How do you know that your matches were closing you out based on your appearance and photos alone? I don't remember this being an option for closing matches on eHarmony, but maybe it is on other sites that I don't use. However, if you are basing this merely on your eHarmony experience, could it be something else as well? Maybe some women were closing you out based on appearance, because there are women like that, but maybe some truly didn't feel that there was a connection there. Maybe they didn't feel you had anything in common. Maybe they didn't like something you said in your profile. Maybe it was a flexible match that was a little too flexible. There are a lot of "maybes" I could list here, but I think you can see where I'm coming from. It's not always about looks. As for the women approaching you at the gym, it could be because of your looks, but it could also be because of the fact that they've seen you around and feel more comfortable approaching someone who is vaguely familiar in some way to them, and knowing that you have something in common is a point in their favor.

Just because you have changed something about yourself doesn't mean it's the reason people have or haven't closed you, AND it's only your experience that you are speaking about. You aren't even talking about the same women and what their reaction is to you now. Quite frankly, I'd take a man with a quiet confidence, intelligence, a positive outlook on life, and who maybe is not so good looking but who truly is a nice guy, over a guy who is very good looking and has none of those other qualities any day. You see, looks don't last, and you had better have something to back yourself up when those looks fade or you're sunk. However, those other qualities, they stand the test of time, and in the long run, they actually mean something.

So, in actuality, no, I wouldn't rather date a hunky jerk, and when I look at my married friends, they didn't marry men like this, either. In fact, when I look at the men who can't maintain a relationship in my town, they tend to be the hunky jerks. What does that tell you about them? It tells me that while some women might find them to be fun for awhile, in the end, they aren't long-term or marriage material.
 
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happysunnybeach is offline happysunnybeach Post #285  June 25,2010, 3:59am
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Well I just read my way through this post, What an epic! I am a recovering nice guy, people pleaser martyr with low self esteem and a massive sense of entitlement.
.
For a year now I have been on a quest to sort out this neuroses. Thanks massively to a sunday times article on loveshyness , loveshy.com and the yahoo forum Dr Gilmartin and loveshyness.

A core belief of mine is that gentleness, kindness and niceness are strengths not a weaknesses. They are a light shining in the darkness.
But they can be perceived as weakness and exploited.

My own journey is leading me to keeping these values but adding some more, being strong and brave is needed AS well.

I think women need to be more honest, rather than saying things like oh your too nice lets just be friends, they should say what they actually mean, maybe in an indirect way, have you heard of no more mr nice guy? or loveshyness? maybe you should go check that out. Or even just point them to this forum.

But most women cop out by taking the easy route and abusing a word like nice which just confuses and muddies the waters.

And I think its also self preservation cos Mr Nice Guy turns into Mr Very Angry Guy very fast.

Just like most men dont bother telling women they are too flaky, drama queens, golddiggers or Miss Im desperate to have kids, they just move on as fast as possible.

Healthy people eventually find healthy people to hang out with. They dont hang around in the dating scene very long.

There are many damaged people out there who keep seeking out the damage and trying to damage healthy people.

A final bit of advice, Beware any man who call you princess and is super romantic. Its just the initial play of a jerk. And any woman who uses the word babe has no soul. :
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frontline is offline frontline Post #286  June 25,2010, 6:02am
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zal wrote :
After reading (and participating) in other "nice guy" threads. I decided to start my own. Women say they want nice guys. They ask "Where are all the nice guys?" Meanwhile, the so-called "nice guys" complain that women only want to be their friends. They complain about women saying that they want nice guys, but then date "jerks". So, what gives? My premise is that so-called "nice guys" are NOT "nice". They are not nice because they have the following bad traits:


1. They are manipulative.


2. They are fundamentally dishonest.


3. They are weak.


4. They are smothering.


5. They are boring.


6. They are lifeless.


Any comments?
little late for the game but as a card carrying nice guy i had a couple thoughts to share here.

1. They are manipulative. I can't think of any examples that i have been,

2. They are fundamentally dishonest. this is just flat out offensive i am Nothing if not honest, it's someone else problem if they don't trust me. this is the sort of thing that can and has sparked a Huge fight with me

3. They are weak. ?!? mentally or physically? i assure you i am neither

4. They are smothering. now that's laughable, i find it's the opposite problem

5. They are boring. i have a number of hobbies like working on cars motorcycles designing tattoos for myself and friends collecting first printings of a certian writer from the 1920's playing the piano and last thing i will list here i help out a friend who run's game and fish rehabilitation habitat for wild life, (the bobcats are my personal favorites)

6. They are lifeless. Ahahaah no...

it's pretty easy generalize people, i have had a couple of experiences with blonds being less than trustworthy, doesn't mean i expect every blond i meet to have the same flaws.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #287  June 25,2010, 6:06am
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this is actually a really old thread: out new conclusion is there are 2 types of nice guys- Nice Guys (bad) nice guys (good)

they are easy to tell apart because the Nice Guy reminds you how nice he is every five seconds.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #288  June 25,2010, 6:11am

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frontline wrote :
little late for the game but as a card carrying nice guy i had a couple thoughts to share here.

1. They are manipulative. I can't think of any examples that i have been,

2. They are fundamentally dishonest. this is just flat out offensive i am Nothing if not honest, it's someone else problem if they don't trust me. this is the sort of thing that can and has sparked a Huge fight with me

3. They are weak. ?!? mentally or physically? i assure you i am neither

4. They are smothering. now that's laughable, i find it's the opposite problem

5. They are boring. i have a number of hobbies like working on cars motorcycles designing tattoos for myself and friends collecting first printings of a certian writer from the 1920's playing the piano and last thing i will list here i help out a friend who run's game and fish rehabilitation habitat for wild life, (the bobcats are my personal favorites)

6. They are lifeless. Ahahaah no...

it's pretty easy generalize people, i have had a couple of experiences with blonds being less than trustworthy, doesn't mean i expect every blond i meet to have the same flaws.
I think Zal was referring to the guys who claim to be nice guys, not actual nice guys. Even perhaps the doormats who aren't really nice guys they are just unassertive. "Oh but I gave her everything she asked for." Err, yeah, cause like everyone else you can't say no to them.

I have never met a guy I thought was nice that had to actually spell it out for me. Passive unassertive guys do not get women, nice guys do.
 
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creativeonee is offline creativeonee Post #289  June 25,2010, 6:24am
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I think everyone of you have good points, and all any of us can do is learn by experience and try not to make the same mistakes again. Is this day and time dating as a whole is difficult. People nowadays have this perception that anything worth having does not require some form of work and it does. I asked a friend of mine how she and her husband continue to maintain there 20yr marriage and she told me that they still like each other just as much as they did when they first met. She went on to say that,"you can love somebody and not like them." Which was a valid point made.

I have learned in the dating game to take my time and just go with the flow. In the beginning everyone is trying to sell you on how good of a person they are,only time will truly tell. If you are a good person and your date is unable to appreciate the qualities that you possess then it's there loss,not yours. I have had a few girlfriends in my past comeback and apologize for their behavior and wish that we could get back together. I'm no ones second choice,so for the genuine good guy,stay who you are and remain patient. We all have our flaws,good or bad,and no one is any better then you,just equal. As long as you know that life will be great.
 
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creativeonee is offline creativeonee Post #290  June 25,2010, 6:28am
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What I do find funny,although many would say different. Is when the "Bad Guy"who is supposedly more exciting uses the good girl. Some choose to live for excitement knowing that the end result is going to be negative at some point,especially in a relationship. You reap what you sow...plan and simple.
 
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