Resolved: "Nice Guys" are not nice.

I didn't say they whine.

... And it's why I now look for good men rather than nice guys - men with a strong moral compass, men with integrity and consistency, men with clear and healthy boundaris, men who are capable of feeling, men who are able to give freely, and who are respectful of themselves and others. There is a huge difference between the two. And it's a difference that you can feel when you're around them, even though on the surface it maight look similar. One gives off a vibe of 'please like me'. The other gives off a vibe of quiet and respectful confidence. They don't have to do anything to 'make you like them.' Who they are is likeable.

That's a perfect description of my ex-husband!! :P


I thought I was smarter than everyone else by marrying the 'nice guy' that everyone else just put in the friend zone. Boy did I learn my lesson.


In my experience, 'nice guys' are frequently people pleasers, and the traits you describe are essentially traits of people-pleasers. 'Nice guys' are the male equivalent of women 'martyrs'. In both cases, they can be 'boring' and 'lifeless' because they've been preoccupied with gaining approval from others and haven't taken the time to actually define who they are, and to develop their own ineterests and personality. They end up being dishonest, because they are overly motivated by what others think, rather than an internal moral barometer, and so what they think and who they are will change depending on who they are around. They are 'shapeshifters' of sorts, and lack consistency and integrity.


They are smothering because their sense of self is dependent on others rather than themselves. Actually, smothering might not be the best term - a friend of mine who used to be a 'nice guy' now refers to his people-pleasing past as 'approval sucking'. So maybe it's more accurate to say they are suckers/emotional leeches rather than smotherers.


That's been my experience anyway. And it's why I now look for good men rather than nice guys - men with a strong moral compass, men with integrity and consistency, men with clear and healthy boundaris, men who are capable of feeling, men who are able to give freely, and who are respectful of themselves and others. There is a huge difference between the two. And it's a difference that you can feel when you're around them, even though on the surface it maight look similar. One gives off a vibe of 'please like me'. The other gives off a vibe of quiet and respectful confidence. They don't have to do anything to 'make you like them.' Who they are is likeable.

After reading (and participating) in other "nice guy" threads. I decided to start my own. Women say they want nice guys. They ask "Where are all the nice guys?" Meanwhile, the so-called "nice guys" complain that women only want to be their friends. They complain about women saying that they want nice guys, but then date "jerks". So, what gives? My premise is that so-called "nice guys" are NOT "nice". They are not nice because they have the following bad traits:


1. They are manipulative.


2. They are fundamentally dishonest.


3. They are weak.


4. They are smothering.


5. They are boring.


6. They are lifeless.


Any comments?

That's a perfect description of my ex-husband!! :P


I thought I was smarter than everyone else by marrying the 'nice guy' that everyone else just put in the friend zone. Boy did I learn my lesson.


In my experience, 'nice guys' are frequently people pleasers, and the traits you describe are essentially traits of people-pleasers. 'Nice guys' are the male equivalent of women 'martyrs'. In both cases, they can be 'boring' and 'lifeless' because they've been preoccupied with gaining approval from others and haven't taken the time to actually define who they are, and to develop their own ineterests and personality. They end up being dishonest, because they are overly motivated by what others think, rather than an internal moral barometer, and so what they think and who they are will change depending on who they are around. They are 'shapeshifters' of sorts, and lack consistency and integrity.


They are smothering because their sense of self is dependent on others rather than themselves. Actually, smothering might not be the best term - a friend of mine who used to be a 'nice guy' now refers to his people-pleasing past as 'approval sucking'. So maybe it's more accurate to say they are suckers/emotional leeches rather than smotherers.


That's been my experience anyway. And it's why I now look for good men rather than nice guys - men with a strong moral compass, men with integrity and consistency, men with clear and healthy boundaris, men who are capable of feeling, men who are able to give freely, and who are respectful of themselves and others. There is a huge difference between the two. And it's a difference that you can feel when you're around them, even though on the surface it maight look similar. One gives off a vibe of 'please like me'. The other gives off a vibe of quiet and respectful confidence. They don't have to do anything to 'make you like them.' Who they are is likeable.

I have a comment.


I'm one of the "nice" guys, and the only attribute I have of those that you listed is that I'm boring.


But, I'm not one of the "nice" guys that whine a lot. So maybe you're just drawing your conclusions from listening to whiners.

yeah, I have no idea what women are talking about when they say "nice guy". But for whatever definition they use, they seem to not want to be around them.

I love the new ignore feature. It works well with the report abuse feature.

Rob, you may be closer to being a good man than a nice guy. I'd say work on the boring and you're all set

Of course it's always possible that I have the "dishonest" attribute, and I lied about the rest