Kevin_in_TO is offline Kevin_in_TO Post #1  February 5,2009, 12:31pm
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One of the stock questions on eHarmony is about chemistry in a relationship and I have always wondered how to answer that. I have had a few women who, after the first coffee "interview", have said that they did not feel the chemistry and broke off contact. This afternoon I read the following written on the Homemakers.com website (it was linked on the Hotmail site):


Don't invest in fireworks
There may be little or no connection on a first date. But, if sparks do fly, Gloria warns against being blinded by the flash; instant sparks do not guarantee success in a relationship. Diane, a 36-year-old executive assistant, recently dated a man who gave her that Oh-my-God feeling. "There was real chemistry at the beginning," she says. "But once we had been out a few times, I realized he didn't have all the other stuff I wanted. It was purely a physical attraction."

On the other hand, and contrary to popular myth, chemistry can grow. "Many women think that if there are no fireworks within the first few minutes of a date, there never will be," says Gloria. "But I know from personal experience that's not true. I didn't feel a spark until I'd had several dates with my husband, and now I'm crazy about him. I'm not saying there shouldn't be a physical attraction, but it's not necessarily instantaneous."


I am curious what people think. Does there have to be instant chemistry and sparks to get a second meeting?
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #2  February 5,2009, 12:32pm

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I agree with the article you quoted, that has been my experience as well. I think people generally put too much stock in first impression chemistry.
 
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PY is offline PY Post #3  February 5,2009, 12:39pm

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Very good article.
 
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glassonlyhalffull_fillit is offline glassonlyhalffull_fillit Post #4  February 5,2009, 1:01pm
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Enlightening article
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #5  February 5,2009, 1:01pm
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This is a great. I wholeheartedely agree with it.


I had a date where the first date as just magical. I hadn't felt this way in over 10 years about anyone. In fact, to this day, I still have get pangs of excitement just thinking about it. She was hot too. She had almost every physical aspect that got my engine revving. I went out with this woman 4 times. But after the fourth time, i realized something. She was mean. She was very closed about herself. I started to see that there would be huge hurdles if we were to become more serious. It became obvious that it was physical attraction with very little depth from there.


The woman i'm with now. First date. Meh, nothing for either of us. For me. "She's a bit heavier than i expected and well, she seems high maintenence and a bit of a snob". Her "Oh my god, can a guy be any more geekier, I can't believe i'm actually out with him".


We actually broke up for about 8 months and got back together in September. When we broke up, neither of us thought about getting back together. There just wasn't a chemistry there. Our relationship never really left the plateau of just being comfortable because we knew each other. There didn't seem to be any passion, neither of us professed our love for one another. It just seemed blah. We broke up amicably but remained friends. We joked that our relationship hadn't changed, we just stop having sex. She started dating other people before me. Before long, I started dating other people. The woman in the example was one i met while we were broken up. When my ex approached me about getting back together, I was very skeptical. I had to choose between her, and 3 other woman i was seeing at the time. Two of them were skirting the lines of exclusitvity including the one that had a hook in me somehow. Logically, I had to choose, and I chose my ex. It wasn't a rash decision, but i do not regret it. I analyzed the relationship possibilities of all three and my ex actually came out on top. She was the only one that was truly my friend as well as my partner. The others. Not so much. Our relationship has never been better. Now, if her cat would just stop attacking me, everything will be cool.
 
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marlieP is offline marlieP Post #6  February 5,2009, 4:52pm
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PY,472739 wrote :

Very good article.
I am seriously crushing on a guy i met over the summer in a group of friends. We have never dated, thought I hope we do. Anyway, when i first met him I was very disappointed. Now I can't stop thinking about him. Crazy right?
 
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vapsman88 is offline vapsman88 Post #7  February 5,2009, 5:15pm
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Personally I don't think Chemistry has to be fireworks on the first meeting. More than likely one or the other or both are nervous. Instant fireworks always burn out too fast anyway. Thats a symptom of today's society everyone is addicted to instant gratification.


Besides I always forget to bring my chemistry set.


Great article by the way, very insightful.
 
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wittyl is offline wittyl Post #8  February 5,2009, 5:40pm
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Instant chemistry is over rated!


My ex, yes my ex(lol) anyway when I first met him I thought OMG he is so rough around the edges and really was not to savvy in the impressing dept. As the evening wore on I found him very pleasant and funny and then we said are goodbyes.


The next day I found myself thinking about him and smiling at some of the things we talked about. He called me and asked me out again, I accepted. That evening I started to notice things that I had not on the prior date. His cute quirky smile, the way his eyes would squint when he laughed, the way he held my hand when he made a point to walk on the outside while strolling and how he opened the door and placed his hand on the small of my back as I passed through!


The more he called the more I was smitten and the more we spent time together the more my heart skipped a beat. By the time we had are first real kiss, my knees buckled. Now that's chemistry that was built on giving some one the chance to really know them. Oh yea the marriage lasted 15 years. Not bad for a date that had no chemistry with someone that I thought was a little rough around the edges. (lol)
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #9  February 5,2009, 6:44pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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I don't know as it was a matter of 'chemistry', but several times I've not felt a 'spark' with women I've dated....but I gave it a couple months of seeing them once of twice a week anyway. It's never turned into a 'spark'. However, the other side is also true. Just because I feel a 'spark' early on doesn't mean things are going to work out either.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #10  February 5,2009, 8:05pm
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I believe the article says it well.


However, I am very surprised by the other posters comments as the subject of chemistry has been well covered in many other threads on these boards. The consensus has always been overwhelming that if there is not an instant spark there won't be a second date. I even had one match tell me before ever meeting that she would know within the first 10 to 15 seconds.
 
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