itsbits is offline itsbits Post #1  January 27,2009, 9:55am
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I've asked the question as to why people don't try to get to know a match in Open Communication for any period prior to just wanting to meet. The responses from the men came back that they want to see if there is live chemistry and that too many people hide themselves in email.


And maybe this is the real issue. I do use the Open Communication as a weeding process. If the person isn't able to talk anything about themselves, doesn't respond in a timely matter (and even business associates reply within 48 hours), or just writes these fluffy little notes, then I see them as not interested. I guess from there, I ask myself, "why do I want to even bother to meet someone in person that can't handle the dating tasks within eHarmony"? I mean if all I wanted to do was go on blind dates, I'd have my friends fix me up with somebody (and those are usually not the best matches). So, if nobody feels the eharmony process has value, why are we doing it? Why are we bothering to use this site if we/no one believes in it's processes? Why are you guys spending the money?
 
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PrettyPisces is offline PrettyPisces Post #2  January 27,2009, 10:00am
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I'm not spending the money.


My personal belief is that I can go on gut feeling. Its different for everyone. Just because you think one way doesn't mean that everyone does and I can't speak for everyone but, for me, I don't get a good idea of who someone is based on reading answers to questions like "what do you fear the most" etc. I get a good idea of who someone is by talking to them.


And their zodiac sign.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  January 27,2009, 10:02am
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I feel both ways about this. Like you, I feel that with the OC process I can weed out a number of people that aren't right for me. However, I also need another 'weeding out' process in person. I don't thinkI'd call it 'chemistry' that I'm trying to determine in person, but it regards getting to know more what the person is really like.


Because of this I don't want to stay too long in OC. With a week or two of OC I've most likely weeded out whoever I can at this stage. Spending more than a month in OC is likely to just end up as wasted time once we've met in person and determined it's not going to work.
 
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metamucilmuffin is offline metamucilmuffin Post #4  January 27,2009, 10:22am
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In communications,much more info is conveyed by non-verbal cues than verbal. So eye contact, body language, posture are all important. And of course guys are interested in knowing what you really look like. And if you believe in pheromones, they come into play, too. And of course we're lazy, and we assume eHarmony has done all the prelim work by just selecting the matches. Why spend days texting and e-mailing when a quick meeting over coffee can accomplish the same thing in 5 minutes?
 
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athenagirl is offline athenagirl Post #5  January 27,2009, 10:25am
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Ain't nothing like the real thing, baby!!! Meeting in person is soo much better. It's genuine and you can get the true feel for what someone is like. OC should be a brief process that one can use as a evaluation period because you know that if you can't get along on line then forget ever meeting in person. However if you get on well then you have an "in" to your first date. OC is just part of the process. I never thought of it as a bother.....Just phase 1.
 
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WaterHound is offline WaterHound Post #6  January 27,2009, 10:28am
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itsbits, wrote :


And maybe this is the real issue. I do use the Open Communication as a weeding process. If the person isn't able to talk anything about themselves, doesn't respond in a timely matter (and even business associates reply within 48 hours), or just writes these fluffy little notes, then I see them as not interested. I guess from there, I ask myself, "why do I want to even bother to meet someone in person that can't handle the dating tasks within eHarmony"? I mean if all I wanted to do was go on blind dates, I'd have my friends fix me up with somebody (and those are usually not the best matches). So, if nobody feels the eharmony process has value, why are we doing it? Why are we bothering to use this site if we/no one believes in it's processes? Why are you guys spending the money?


Don't mistake that that he isnt interested because his process is different than eH. eH is a service. We have to subscribe to all of the elements, but as independently minded and mature adults may have a better way for ourselves than use their entire process. Firstly, its a pool of potential SOs where ya gotta pay to swim. We pay to dive in. The service also includes tools to help the sifting process, including communication aids. Many of us prefer to not use some of those tools. Everybody's sifting process is different and if your "must haves" list for your next guy includes the ability for him to adhere to the entire eH process, including respecting and using their tools, then that's your standard. But, don't confuse his differing process as a signal of disinterest. Others, myself included, find some of the service useful (introduction to "compatibles") and other parts (communication aids) a waste of time.


On an intellectual note, the profile one posts and the answers to these canned questions usually paints a picture of the person they want to be, not who they really are. Only through meeting are we able to see who you really are. BTW, it takes alot of energy, time and introspection to narrow that gap between who you want to be and who you really are. We want to dispense with the canned answer tools of eH because some of us don't have the time to waste on people who dont know the difference.


The eH process en toto is good for some, but not all members. Respect others processes as you wish yours to be respected and I bet you'll get much further within the eH community.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  January 27,2009, 11:26am
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PrettyPisces,455913 wrote :

I'm not spending the money.


My personal belief is that I can go on gut feeling. Its different for everyone. Just because you think one way doesn't mean that everyone does and I can't speak for everyone but, for me, I don't get a good idea of who someone is based on reading answers to questions like "what do you fear the most" etc. I get a good idea of who someone is by talking to them.


And their zodiac sign.
Scorpio Scorpio and Pisces are compatible signs
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  January 27,2009, 11:45am
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Well I think that the basic question you are asking is why am I on eHarmony.


I use eHarmony as a tool to meet new people who should have similar interests and values. If I was to rely on meeting people through face to face activities then I would be limited to meeting only those who frequent the same places that I frequent and then only at the time that we would both be at the same place. This makes for a very small number of possible matches.
 
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PrettyPisces is offline PrettyPisces Post #9  January 27,2009, 11:54am
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Gr8Guyn2008,456042 wrote :

PrettyPisces,455913 wrote :


And their zodiac sign.


Scorpio Scorpio and Pisces are compatible signs
Scorpio and Pisces are indeed a perfect match! Send me a PM right effing now!
 
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sillymama is offline sillymama Post #10  January 27,2009, 12:06pm
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I think the thing to think about here is that women can get very emotionally attached by "getting to know someone" through email text or on the phone. The first time you do that and then meet someone who has completely mis-represented themselves it can be a HUGE let down if you believe you made a connection.


I'm not saying it is that way for everyone or that everyone misrepresents themself, however about 60% of dates I have gone on with someone I have met online (not just eH) have not only misrepresented themself they have flat out lied.


I prefer to meet for a quick coffee within a few e-mails so I can weed people out further. Last eH date was still married (in process of divorce but still married). Sometimes people tell you more in person in the natural flow of conversation, don't have the ability to edit themself or send it to 5 friends to make sure it sounds good.


The longer someone goes without wanting to meet I just assume (maybe unjustly) that they have something to hide and are trying to build a strong connection so maybe I will overlook whatever the lie may be. Not saying I am right, it has just been my experience.


Good luck to you and you may want to state upfront if someone wants to meet you right away, that you will agree to that but would still like to communicate through e-mail after a quick meeting if you both still feel the connection. I would not be at all offended if someone wanted to take things slow, but not wanting to meet scares me a little.


Best of luck either way!
 
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