Dating someone twice your age


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sugar_coated is offline sugar_coated Post #1  January 22,2009, 8:54pm
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I've recently started talking to a guy that I work with. He's a really great guy, and I like him a lot. Unfortuately, he is twice my age.


Initially, I wasn't bothered by the age difference. However, I have a friend [who also works with me] who seems to think that our forming a relationship outside of work is a very bad idea. 1. She thinks it is disgusting that someone his age would be interested in someone my age, [especially when I look a good5-6 years younger than my actual age]2. She thinks it's a very bad idea to date someone that you work with. Now, I know dating someone you work with isn't the smartest idea, but I think he is someone worth getting to know, co-worker or not. And while it may be frowned upon, co-worker relationships aren't forbidden at our place of work.


I know a lot of people have preconceived notions about younger girls and older guys dating. But I think both of us just genuinely like one another. However, I am the type of person who invests way too much into what other people think. I'm afraid of what people will think if they see us out together.


So I am wondering, what do you think when you see a couple with a large age gap? Acceptable? Unacceptable?
 
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MollyCoddles is offline MollyCoddles Post #2  January 22,2009, 10:32pm
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Well, 1) you don't list your age, so assuming you are both over 18, the fact that it seems to bother you is reason enough to reconsider. What has attracted you to him? Do you have a lot to talk about? What makes you attractive to him? Is it just physical on his part? Think about these and answer them to yourself.


2) Your friend is right. Dating a co-worker is a bad idea for many reasons (what happens when you break up, no lovey-dovey at the work place, etc).


Good luck. One of my friends is married to a man 20 years her senior, and another is married to a man 10 years her junior -- and both seem to have great marriages! The older you get the less age seems to matter, and the opinions of others start to matter even less!
 
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Ndfrspd is offline Ndfrspd Post #3  January 22,2009, 10:42pm
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Acceptable, Go with your Heart and your own mind. Listen to others advicebut filter it with your own values. And check out the previous posts about dateing Older Men. I wish I could remember the Abbot and Costello routine about just such a dilemma.....somehow the routine had the younger person actually catching up and surpassing the older one in age!!
 
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bravethestorm is offline bravethestorm Post #4  January 22,2009, 10:42pm
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When the age gap is or looks like the younger could be a child...this will lead to many negative opinions. It will also mean people might treat you like a child or not seriously in this relationship. For instance, people might approach to date him thinking you are the child, neice, etc.


Your friend has a good reason for the co-worker statement as if it goes wrong...one of you will need to change jobs. Unless you really hate your job...it's a risky choice.


Success depends on the individuals...it could work and it might not. You do need to know what you want and vice versa. If you're not confidant of the relationship...neither will anyone else.


Personally I've tried a 13 year difference with an older guy and wouldn't do it again. Plus you do need to realize that even in a great relationship...the odds are you will out live him.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #5  January 22,2009, 11:00pm
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I don't care if this is socially'acceptable' or not. However, there are some practical issues. Not the least of which is if you formed a permanent relationship with this man you'll almost certainly be taking care ofhim into his old age and then being a widow while you're still a relatively young woman.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #6  January 23,2009, 2:23am
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I wouldn't even worry about the age difference ...you should be way more concerned that he's a coworker.
 
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Lindac7 is offline Lindac7 Post #7  January 23,2009, 2:26am
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When I was 22, I dated a man who was 44. That's the biggest age difference I've personally experienced (you never would have known he was that old, either - he looked and acted like he was in his early 30s).


There's no way I'd consider dating a man now who is twice my age - if he's managed to make it to 102, his days are numbered. Now, if he wanted to marry me and leave everything to me in his will . . . JUST KIDDING!


At 51, I won't date someone older than 65, and even that is pushing it for me. I prefer someone younger.
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #8  January 23,2009, 2:57am
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Dear Sugar_Coated,


Welcome to these eHarmony Advice Boards and thanks for posting. It is something people wonder about.


Listen to your friend. She cares for you and is giving you very good advice. Sometimes, people let liking someone blind them to things they really should not ignore and your friend is a true friend who really is looking out for you and your well-being.


I've known people with big age differences such as 20 years, and quite frankly, it just doesn't work out in the long-run. Many divorce and you wouldn't want that for yourself. There's always a few exceptions, of course, but that's not how these things tend to go.


You see, you and he have some huge generational differences by as much as two generations.


Perhaps you are a child coming of age this century and he is a child of the last century in the 1970's. That's very, very different including cultural differences, music differences, and just about every difference you can imagine. The 70's were a very unique generation in particular. Think of it like your very own father dating someone your age. Do you and your dad have cultural things in common? Is he into twittering and all the stuff you are? Are you into all his stuff? Most likely not.


It may not seem like such a big deal to you and your young age, but you really haven't experienced life that much whereas this person has. You may like each other, but other than possibly a few things, you really don't have that much in common. What on earth would you talk about after the first few topics were exhausted? How would you even begin to understand his experiences and he your's? They're of two different times in history!


Also, usually there's things like differences in energy levels between the different generatons, friend differences, and all sorts of things that create difficulties. If he's in his 40's and you're in your 20's would you want to hang with his friends? Would they want to hand with you? Would he want to hang with a bunch of 20 somethings? Would they think he was an old fogy? Would your friends be gossiping about you all behind your backs?


Though he may seem very youthful right now to you, that will not always be so. As men age, many start to have prostate issues besides other health problems that affect sexual issues. Women have different problems as they age. When you're with a man your own age, then you're the same age when health problems may start in one's 40's or 50's and it isn't as big a deal to the other person because you're both experiencing things around the same time.


What will it be like for you when you're 50 and he's 75 or whatever the age difference is? He'll have slowed down considerably compared to you. Also, would you and he have children? If so, would he even be around to see his children grow up? Enjoy any grandchildren?


Though he may genuinely like you, you're also a trophy to him. Older men are very flattered to have a younger, not to mention much younger, lady on their arm. It's a sort of status symbol if you will. It helps the man reaffirm his virility, that he can still attract a young, pretty thing, and helps him mitigate his mid-life crisis.


This man you like is probably going through mid-life crisis and your attentions to him helps him feel young and youthful once again. Most everyone wants to re-capture those feelings and you're his venue for doing so.


You wonder what people will think when you're out together? Well, most likely that he's "robbed the cradle" as it's known and if he has any money, some people might think you're a "gold-digger" as it's also known - particuarly in those situations with much older men and younger women.


Usually, much older men can get the younger ones because they're rich, famous, powerful or have some status of some sort that the woman wants in exchange for which she gives him her youth, beauty, and body.


Also, though you know the issues about dating someone from work, it will create a lot of gossip and you really need to understand that and all the implications. Are you up to that? How about the man? You won't be able to keep it hidden. People always know. I worked in a large organizaton and there was always some sort of gossip by others around the water cooler about whom was sleeping with whom. It will come out that you're seeing each other, even if you try to hide it.


Usually such relationships end and then it becomes quite awkward for the people at work and their co-workers. That's one of many reasons employers frown on those types of things because it tends to lower morale, causes lost productivity, and such. It's a very bad idea. There's a saying, "Don't get your honey where you get your money?" Another is, "Don't make hay where you get your pay." They've both very valid. Usually these sayings come about because of their truisms.


You know, this is not the only man you can choose to like. What if he weren't around? You'd find someone else to like. You're not captive to your feelings of liking him.


In this case, it's so much better to think with your head, not with your heart. That's what your friend is able to do and she sees all the pitfalls and is trying to protect you from hurt, because it will most likely end in hurt and, usually, it the women who is the one hurt. Also, do you really want to be a subject of gossip and people eyeing you at work? I'd think not.


Keep in mind a person's feelings are unreliable, go up and down on any given day, and really can't be trusted.


Keep work at work and don't date someone from work. Even if you and he were not at work, he's not a candidate for you to date as the age gap is just too great and even though you think it will work between you now, many years down the road, when you're older and wiser, I truly think you will regret your decision.


Find a man your own age away from work and enjoy getting to know him. That's a much better choice for you to make with your head. People's hearts change and that's why you need to listen to your head in this matter and see it through your good friend's eyes. Avoid this man and don't even play or toy with the idea of getting to know him further. It's not a wise decision.


So, "Unacceptable" it is for you for YOUR own best interests.


Wishing us well and let us know your decision.


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BGood is offline BGood Post #9  January 23,2009, 3:45am
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I think that you should follow your heart. I also think that he would be a very lucky man to have you. You seem very sweet and open minded. I don't think that you should worry about what other people may think of you. This man could be the love of your life. I think you should give him a chance. You have nothing to lose.
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #10  January 23,2009, 4:08am
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BGood,446948 wrote :

I think that you should follow your heart. I also think that he would be a very lucky man to have you. You seem very sweet and open minded. I don't think that you should worry about what other people may think of you. This man could be the love of your life. I think you should give him a chance. You have nothing to lose.
OK, BGood! Your profile page says you're 36 years old! There's a 60 year old woman waiting for you somewhere to love you and marry you! Maybe even at your workplace!


Don't overlook them just because they're 20 some years older than you! After all, this is if one follows your advice! She would be a very lucky lady to have you as you are open-minded! She, too, could be the love of your life and I think you should give her a chance. You have nothing to lose either! It works both ways or is there a double-standard? Would your advice be the same if the situation were reversed like I've made it here? What would you and she have in common?


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