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whatsgoingon whatsgoingon is offline
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Although I am only 30 years old (I say "only," but I feel ancient!) I have done many things with my life. I've lived in five different countries, have three BA's and two postgraduate degrees, and a recently returned to my hometown after living abroad for five years and working for a major company in my field. I now have a satisfying, well-paying job that has plenty of opportunity for advancement, I am independently earing a decent living, and I'm overall pretty satisfied with life.


Most people say that this is exactly what they are looking for in a partner, but many of the men that I meet are very focused on striving for "more." Of course it would be nice to make a bit more money, to eventually get that PhD, and to go on some fabulous vacations in the future. However, for now my wander lust is sated and I am just pretty content doing what I'm doing for the next few years. Honestly! I'm not un-ambitious - I've just already accomplished most of my professional and educational goals, and they were not small to begin with! (One of my postgraduate degrees is from a prestigious English university.)


Despite all of this, many dates make me feel like a bit of a failure because apparently it's not in vogue to just want to chill for the next few years. I'd like to focus on my personal life now - that's why I'm on eHarmony!


Has anyone else had this experience? Any advice on how to handle it? My dates are starting to seem more like job interviews!
- January 20th, 2009, 10:13 am
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eHA_Admin_Lori eHA_Admin_Lori is offline
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eHA_Admin_Lori Welcome to eHA! :-)

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This is an interesting question -- does contentment = lack of ambition when evaluating a potential partner. If so, why?


Am looking forward to seeing with other Community Members think!


Best regards,
-Lori
- January 27th, 2009, 11:12 am
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lada2 lada2 is offline
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lada2 maybe i should have not closed that door so hard, so quick

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the thing about being happy where you are, with who you are...is when you add another person into that equation, the picture changes. do you have to make enough money to keep him happy too? how will he (or she, give n the option) fit into this niche i can carve out? how big a niche am i willing to carve? isn't it easier to just start over together?


y'all feel free to chime in quickly with the correct answers, because i gotta turn this paper in for a grade before long.
- January 27th, 2009, 11:16 am
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littlebluemonkeymind littlebluemonkeymind is offline
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I think if you've figured out the things you have by 30 you might have to wait a few years for someone to catch up to where you are, emotionally. Most of us don't get there that early in life.


There are also a lot of people in the world who equate constant churning around with forward movement. This is not necessarily so.


There is some sadness to me in the constant striving for more...money, status, experience. Sometimes it's nice to just sit and be and enjoy. If I met a partner who was in this phase of their lives, it wouldn't prejudice me against them...but then I'm pretty much there myself, in the sense that I'd rather focus on enjoying where I am than rushing over there or grabbing for that.


You're just temporarily out of step with your peers. Enjoy what you've accomplished and enjoy where you are now. Someone will come along and notice your calm and your happiness and think...I wonder how she did that? I wonder if I could do that?
- January 27th, 2009, 11:24 am
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jayjay ...is relieved that the homebuyer's tax credit has been extended.

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I too have lived in a number of places in the U.S., as well as outside the U.S. I am also completing my Ph.D. What I've found is that these things have nothing to do with being happy or satisfied with life. If I am looking for 'more' in a woman this has nothing to do with how much 'experience' she has, how well travelled she is,or how much money she makes. These things wouldn't impress me in a woman either. What I"m looking for isquality ofcharacter. I realize that many men may differ with regard to this.
- January 27th, 2009, 11:30 am
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jayjay wrote :

I too have lived in a number of places in the U.S., as well as outside the U.S. I am also completing my Ph.D. What I've found is that these things have nothing to do with being happy or satisfied with life. If I am looking for 'more' in a woman this has nothing to do with how much 'experience' she has, how well travelled she is,or how much money she makes. These things wouldn't impress me in a woman either. What I"m looking for isquality ofcharacter. I realize that many men may differ with regard to this.
+1.
- January 27th, 2009, 11:37 am
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PY PY is offline
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PY Sometimes...just be a bigger person and take the high road.

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Contenment is not lack of ambition. Life is not always about getting 'more'. To be able to pull back, and enjoy what you have is a blessing. I know personally a few people who are extremely ambitious and very sucessful in ONE area of their life (mainly financial) but extremely struggling in different areas (marriage, life, friendship, health).


What is your end goal? What is the result? Have you reached a balance due to that ambition?


If you have multiple degrees, been to five countries and have a decent job, financially responsible (and healthy) you are way way way ahead of many people already. Don't mind those people who try to make you feel bad.I guarantee you either they have something to proof or they try to live vicariously through you that they can't achieve on their own.


And on that note, the peanut gallery is temporarily closed until next time.


- January 27th, 2009, 11:38 am
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PrettyPisces PrettyPisces is offline
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I think this is extremely situational.


One of the things I look for in a mate is ambition, or more significantly... drive. Is he goal oriented in some way or is he content w/ sitting on his haunches doing nothing and hating life?


If its the former, then there shouldn't be a problem... if its the latter well, I believe thats going to end up effecting his attitude towards both me and ultimately the relationship.


By the sound of your post, you're pretty content with your life and so must have a fairly good attitude about it. For all the hard work you've done, I'd assume its well worth the time and effort to sit back and relax and enjoy yourself and your life. It sounds like you owe it to yourself, tbqh.


If the girls you're seeing make you feel bad about what you're doing, then imo they're not worth your time. You shouldn't have to explain yourself to someone, especially as being as accomplished as you are.


- January 27th, 2009, 11:39 am
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lada2 lada2 is offline
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lada2 maybe i should have not closed that door so hard, so quick

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what if he is sitting on his haunches and LOVING life? what if he looks around and sees beauty in the sunrise? what if a little rust on an old chevy truck is good enough? then,, perhaps, it is not that it is not good enough FOR YOU, it is just that your perspective weights things differently. some need that sunrise from the balcony of a penthouse in Manhattan, some from a beaach in Bahamas, some from back porch in podunk. not the same sunrise, but it is the same sun. you just have to find someone who wants to share your view.
- January 27th, 2009, 11:44 am
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jayjay wrote :

I too have lived in a number of places in the U.S., as well as outside the U.S. I am also completing my Ph.D. What I've found is that these things have nothing to do with being happy or satisfied with life. If I am looking for 'more' in a woman this has nothing to do with how much 'experience' she has, how well travelled she is,or how much money she makes. These things wouldn't impress me in a woman either. What I"m looking for isquality ofcharacter. I realize that many men may differ with regard to this.
What he said
- January 27th, 2009, 11:54 am
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