Leaving a child with a mentally-ill ex

I've had this happen a few times and am curious about others' perspectives.


Let me first say that I appreciate that no outsider should/can fairly judge how things work out for a divorcing couple and their custody decisions. Sometimes thing happen in custody battles that are beyond a well-meaning parent's control.


I have however met some guys that tell you that they left town because their ex was an alcoholic, bipolar, depressed, addicted or otherwise ill.


And the ex has custody of their child. So they see the kid as often as they can, they miss him/her daily but they can't live in the same town as the ex.


I understand that some of these men would have liked to have custody and were denied, but I've also talked to those who said "Yeah well she drinks, but she's a good Mom". (!!??!)


Here are my questions.


1. If you as an adult can't live with their addiction/mental illness, is it fair to expect a child to cope with it on their own, while you are in a different city and only available occassionally to that child?


2. Should you not at least stay close to the child and use the standard visitation available to you to provide some modicum of stability in their lives?


What am I missing?

There is a sense of frustration with courts who put adults' needs over those of children. My ex is mentally ill and abused my children to the point the child protective services stepped in. When he asked for unsupervised visitation, the courts merely said he had his rights and so it was granted. There's obviously more here, but I can understand their frustration and desire to be away from it. Every time you leave you child with a seriously unstable ex, you worry about the outcome. Moving away may ease some of the pain for these guys and help them get their sanity back but hopefully, it's not a permanent solution. In any event, it sounds like these men have some healing to do of their own and probably are not ready for a relationship with someone else.

My late wife was diagnosed bipolar and would not take her meds when my kids were young. You didn't need a psychic to know how the end would come, but we -- my kids and I -- did not leave, and I can tell you that it was right for us to stay, despite my wife's catastrophic death. They're grown now and are great people with a strength uncommon in many their age. We hide nothing; we move on. I think the old expression is "richer or poorer, in sickness and in health."


My lawyer reminded me of that when I talked to him about my options. If you're married to a molester or your spouse or partner seems a threat to harm you or your kids, then you might decide differently. My wife had an illness. She was not the illness.