Leaving a child with a mentally-ill ex


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vlnman is offline vlnman Post #11  January 17,2009, 1:45pm
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There is not a whole lot of detail around your comments. If these men initiated the divorcefor their own selfish reasons and then left their children and wives I would seriously question their responsibility as fathers. If they ended up in divorce as a result of an affair on their part then again these are not men with character to begin with


On the flip side....in general men face a significant challenge in the "family" court system. Gender bias against men is fact so don't take my comments out of persepctive. A man goes into the process with the scales tipped 90% against him.The wife can initiate a divorce, commit adultery, be a prostitute, be a drunk, etc and have the upper hand. The divorce court is the one area of law we have where justice is not part of the legal proceedings. A large number of men give up and allow themselves to be beat into submission. I spent countless sleepless nights and fortified my legal positionto go to war to protect my children. I did not allow my ex, her lawyer, nor the system to intimidate me.


During my own nightmare Ibeagn communicating with other men facing terrible situations. Many of them were accused of abusing their own children....this is a tactic often used because due process is ignored, these men are presumed guilty...at least in the family court system. The purpose of course is to gain money as a result of custody. The term thrown around is "best interest of the children". This is a ridiculous statement to make in light of the fact that parentswho destroy a marriage ( outside of legitimate abuse issues) have only their own interest at heart...not the children. Many men are forced into poverty and put into a situation where they are only "allowed" to see their children on a limited basis and live in fear of continued legal and vindictive attacks from the wayward ex.


A very common practice is that the wayward parent turns the children against the mother or father.The saddest thing I have ever experienced in life was to hear a fatherstruggle with thoughtsof commiting suicide. His wife divorced so she could continue an affair....they had two small children. She did everything possible to destroy his life. The children became weapons and our legal system was the enabler.He considered life worthless without his kids. He was forced to move to survive. I lost contact so nowI simply pray for him and especially his children
 
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JoeJoe is offline JoeJoe Post #12  January 17,2009, 2:56pm
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cameracollector,436478 wrote :

JoeJoe,436385 wrote :


My late wife was diagnosed bipolar and would not take her meds when my kids were young. You didn't need a psychic to know how the end would come, but we -- my kids and I -- did not leave, and I can tell you that it was right for us to stay, despite my wife's catastrophic death. They're grown now and are great people with a strength uncommon in many their age. We hide nothing; we move on. I think the old expression is "richer or poorer, in sickness and in health."


My lawyer reminded me of that when I talked to him about my options. If you're married to a molester or your spouse or partner seems a threat to harm you or your kids, then you might decide differently. My wife had an illness. She was not the illness.


JoeJoe, I'm sorry to hear about your ex-wife, though I certainly appreciate your last two sentences.


I have been diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. I have to say, it's been my love for, and commitment to, my daughters that has pulled me through some rough spells and that keeps me med-compliant even when I don't want to be (the side effects of psychotropic medication can really suck). I may have been a danger to myself at some points but I was never a danger to them.


The girls are mostly grown now but we had joint custody when they were younger. Ironically, even in the times when I was not doing well and asked my ex to take the girls for additional timeso I could get back on my feet, he didn't/wouldn't do so (possibly because his new wife thought I was playing victim in a ploy for his continued attention. yeah, right.).


Then again, I sometimes wonder if, had I had someone like JoeJoe who I knew would hold things together and take care of the kids, I might have been more tempted to succumb to the seduction of bipolar mania. So maybe, sometimes, leaving the kids with the mentally-ill ex is ultimately a constructive act.
cameracollector, that's something I never thought about -- the seduction of the mania. My wifehad rapid-cycling and mixed states -- same drill every week for the last nearly two years of her life.


In retrospect, I remember how much she enjoyed the power and grandiosity of the mania. It was the next step, into depressed anger, that was so painful to see.


Thank you for making me think. I'm glad your situation is good.
 
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cameracollector is offline cameracollector Post #13  January 17,2009, 3:36pm
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JoeJoe,436600 wrote :

cameracollector, that's something I never thought about -- the seduction of the mania. My wifehad rapid-cycling and mixed states -- same drill every week for the last nearly two years of her life.


In retrospect, I remember how much she enjoyed the power and grandiosity of the mania. It was the next step, into depressed anger, that was so painful to see.


Thank you for making me think. I'm glad your situation is good.

oh, I forgot about the mixed states. I get those too, sometimes. They are truly awful.


But the mania is why most bipolars refuse to medicate. It's amazing. You feel otherworldly; I wouldn't be at all surprised to discover that in a mania all the pleasure receptors in the brain are lit up like the proverbial Christmas tree. It's (truly) better than sex - and sex is even more amazing when you're manic. You're bigger and better than ordinary mortals. You're incredibly creative - making associations and stretches of imagination that seem impossible when you're "normal." I wrote my Ph.D. dissertation in an SSRI-induced hypomania (before we knew that Paxil and other drugs would induce [hypo]mania in people who were undiagnosed bipolar). It's still the most-often-cited thing I've written, even over a decade later.


In a way, I'm guessing it's not unlike an addiction. And I wonder, sometimes, if the depression isn't a little bit like childbirth - meaning that wedon't reallyrememberhow painful it is.


I can't begin to imagine how hard it must have been for your wife and your family in those last couple of years, if she was rapid-cyclingthat frequently and living in mixed states.


But again, bless you for standing by her and being there for your children - and I hope the universe brings good things to you in future.
 
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StatGamer is offline StatGamer Post #14  January 17,2009, 6:06pm
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What I love about the eha boards is that we get to benefit from different perspectives. Corky, BikerBeagle and lil_lamb gave me a lot to think about, and offered perspectives I hadn't considered.


I went on a date with one of those guys tonight and probed gently about his decision to leave his child behind. His ex was officially diagnosed and he is training to be a clinician so understands DSM diagnoses.


I must say, I was unable to relate to his reasons. Not judging his choices, but it's not a good fit for me, esp since his child often calls him crying and upset.


I'm just blessed I didn't have to deal with that type of choice/situation.
 
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