How best to tell your match you have herpes.


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midwestseniorman is offline midwestseniorman Post #1  March 22,2008, 8:30pm
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i have met my perfect match, and the feeling seems to be very much mutual; she has told me how comfortable she feels with me, and i with her, after going through all the e.h. routines, and have had several dates. we have both vowed to be totally honest with each other, no mind games or half truths. i am 69 and she is 66, going on 56!!!! we've both been divorced, and both been widowed; she hasn't been with a man for ten years, nor have i with a woman for 4 1/2 years, in a previous long term relationship, so to cut to the chase, i have forgotten how i went about telling the previous partner about genital herpes, which i have had for 21 years, with only maybe one mild outbreak of 3 to 4 days, in a period of a year or 15 months apart.

if i remember correctly, i gathered all the up to date info. i could from current books and articles, explained how it's not a 'death sentence' but more a bothersome inconvenience, and with prudent precautions, have never given it to anyone in relationships during that 21 years, one of which was with a registered nurse. my question to those of you out there with herpes, should i just gather current materials, sit down with her and tell her calmly that i'm one of every 6 people in the u.s. who have herpes and many don't even know it, and go over the material with her and hope she is as understanding a person as i think she is??? in fisherman's language, this lady is very definitely a "keeper" and i would like input from as many people as possible how they have dealt with this. i certainly don't want to wait until the topic of making love comes up before telling her!!!

let me hear from those of you in a similar situation and how you have dealt with it. thanks>
 
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movingalong is offline movingalong Post #2  March 24,2008, 1:37pm
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I've never been in your situation. But as a woman, I would prefer that information be shared early, andin a non-sexual context ( like not when we're making out as that would definitely put a quash on the proceedings). Maybe you can mention it at some point when you are have a discussion about the status of your relationship. If she is as understanding as you think she is, this shouldn't be a problem.
 
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freeadvice is offline freeadvice Post #3  June 19,2008, 11:08pm
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I would suggest you do what you have done in the past, if it has worked for you. If she wants more information on it then you can propose to research it together or just her on her own. It is also important tolet her know that the internet doesn't always have reputable sites. Things can be verydistorted when researching hsv2 via the net. I want to know how it turns out for you. I have only had the virus for close to 2 years now and the one person I did tell (he was an anesthesiologist) did his research, was initially ok with moving forward, but one month later (without sex) decided he couldn't deal and told me it was the "deal breaker". It was more like the heart breaker. I had known/dated him for 3 months before telling him. I honestly don't think there is ever a "right" time. I think much of it is based on the person's fears/understanding. Good luck. let us know how it goes (or went).
 
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lkellyr is offline lkellyr Post #4  June 20,2008, 7:01am
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I think the process you've outlined sounds great. Please let us know how it goes.
 
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innybellybutton is offline innybellybutton Post #5  October 22,2008, 10:22pm
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I remember telling my new partner that it was very common. More people have it than you realize and that condoms are a good use of protection. We could even research it if needed. I went to research on the net and it basically state do not have sex..so that is discouraging. I think for me it is going to be a deal breaker when he looks up the info on his own..
 
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Emme is offline Emme Post #6  October 23,2008, 8:04am

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I have had matches on eH put it in their profiles. I have also been told by email, over the phone and in person. I am not freaked out by herpes as it is totally common. I don't have genital herpes, though I have had one oral outbreak in my life that I always disclose before any sexual activity takes place since oral herpes can be transmitted to someone's genitals through oral sex. When I disclose it I just tell him straight out. Most are surprised I'd even mention it since it's so common, but many people don't realize that oral herpes can become genital herpes. They think the viruses are unrelated when in fact you can be infected by HSVI (the usual oral kind) or HSVII (the usual genital kind) either orally or genitally. Most people don't seem to realize you can get either strain of the virus in either place. They also don't realize that millions are silent carriers of these viruses and have never had a symptom, yet they have the virus. That's the main reason I'm not freaked. Besides, it's not a death sentence. I'd rather not have it, so I protect myself as best I can (regardless of any claims he may make about being STD free since he may not know) but if I end up infected... oh well. Life goes on.


I think if you are not alarmist about it and just explain you have it and have information she can read if she wants it, that's the best you can do. You could also suggest she read up on it online on her own, or speak to her own doctor about it. Unfortunately, some people will be completely undone by the prospect of a partner with herpes, and others will think the relationship is so wonderful that it is worth any risk that might be involved. What I wouldn't do is pressure her to read the material you have gathered, or expect her to answer right away. She may well need some time to sit with the information and to sort through the facts and her feelings for a bit. I hope she turns out to be what you hope she is, and that this does not freak her out.
 
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Glider_Pilot is offline Glider_Pilot Post #7  October 23,2008, 8:17am
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I've been on the receiving end of this conversation. The woman handled it very well, despite being very afraid of what I might say. Some guys had horribly rejected her in the past when she told them.


In our case, we had been dating for a few weeks, and things had been going spectacularly well. Really compatible. But I could tell that she was holding back physically for some reason, and most of you know me well enough to know that I wasn't pushing the point - I'd just let her talk to me about it when she was ready.


She did, and sat me down on the couch and just told me. Very important: she asked for my questions. She turned it into a discussion, so that we both could be engaged in the process from the beginning. I thought she handled it very well. Was I concerned about her carrying the virus? Of course. After the date where she told me, I immediately went and did a bunch of research on the subject. Then we talked some more.


Fact is, I ended up dating her for about three years. We were very careful about the safe-s*x practices and she took her Valtrex religiously. I tested via the most accurate, sensitive test method three months after we broke up and came back negative. She did not pass it on to me. So having a relationship with someone who has herpes is completely possible and can be great, provided you talk about it openly right from the beginning. The person receiving the information is going to be a little scared and concerned. Respect that, and you should be fine.
 
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ThePriestess is online now ThePriestess Post #8  October 23,2008, 8:32am
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Show them a PowerPoint Presentation.
 
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Glider_Pilot is offline Glider_Pilot Post #9  October 23,2008, 8:43am
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ThePriestess,305248 wrote :

Show them a PowerPoint Presentation.
Rackin' up the old posts total, eh Priestess?
 
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ThePriestess is online now ThePriestess Post #10  October 23,2008, 8:50am
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Glider_Pilot,305261 wrote :

Rackin' up the old posts total, eh Priestess?
"Wow, you guys talk like grown-ups!" - Tai, Clueless
 
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