She Makes More Money--and I Can't Handle it


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saminreallife is offline saminreallife Post #1  March 20,2008, 3:59pm
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I was matched with a wonderful woman on eH...we have been seeing eachother for a few weeks. It became apparent that she makes way more money than me as a designer/architect then I do working as a clerk and it's beginning to create some problems. I am embarrassed of my life style, the choices of restaurants and bars I go to--even my friends to some extent.She also has pretty expensive taste and why shouldn't she? She can afford it. Anyway, I am sabotaging our relationship on purpose because of this. I haven't called her in a couple of days and am not returning her emails. I want to end our relationship for good because of this. I know I am insecure but I can't handle the imbalance. What should I say/do? Thanks for any advice you can give.
 
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lm124 is offline lm124 Post #2  March 20,2008, 4:14pm
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saminreallife,

She must have enjoyed your time together if she's contacting you!

Are you sure you want to walk away from her without furtherdiscussion?Please think about having an honest discussion with her, see if you can work through it together.

Good luck to you!
 
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jordan614 is offline jordan614 Post #3  March 20,2008, 4:31pm
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saminreallife, wrote :

I was matched with a wonderful woman on eH...we have been seeing eachother for a few weeks. It became apparent that she makes way more money than me as a designer/architect then I do working as a clerk and it's beginning to create some problems. I am embarrassed of my life style, the choices of restaurants and bars I go to--even my friends to some extent.She also has pretty expensive taste and why shouldn't she? She can afford it. Anyway, I am sabotaging our relationship on purpose because of this. I haven't called her in a couple of days and am not returning her emails. I want to end our relationship for good because of this. I know I am insecure but I can't handle the imbalance. What should I say/do? Thanks for any advice you can give.
How 'bout you send me her email address so she can take care of me instead . Seriously though, as men, we're simply raised with the idea that we should make more money than our women. If we don't get those signals from our parents, we get them from society in general. However, I think you can overcome this insecurity by getting yourself involved in things outside of the work environmentthat make you feel good about yourself. Go to a gym, do volunteer work, take up a hobby, etc.Also, realize that it's ok to be the sort of person who doesn't have any great career ambition. Some of us, myself included, simply aspire to a "job."I figure anyone who does honest work is ok in my book. That said,it may take time and some more living before you're comfortable with this sort of relationship, so be honest with yourself and let her go if you think it willjust be too stressful right now. Relationships are supposed to be fun, and sometime we just have to give in to our hang-ups. On the other hand,if you really like her and she seems to like you, this might be a great opportunity for you to lose the hang-up. So how's that for a bunch of rambling and no definitive answer? Sometime I really enjoy NOT being in a relationship.
 
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chrlesmd is offline chrlesmd Post #4  March 20,2008, 4:47pm
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There's nothing wrong with wanting to let it go...or not being interested in her because of the difference in incomes. However, be adult about it. At least shoot her an email and explain how you feel. Just because you're insecure about this doesn't mean you can't be an adult and give her an explanation.
 
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BILLGOLF is offline BILLGOLF Post #5  March 20,2008, 5:10pm
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SAM, Oftentimes money is like water, it seeks it's own level. It appears you are like the person, in an old saying ,trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole. An exercise of utter frustration. Most people are happy around people and circumstances they are comfortable with. It is one thing if you are unhappy with your lifestyle and have the desire and means to change it as you would like. From your posting here I think you are happy with your current friends and lifestyle. This is, in my opinion, not the right woman for you. I think you owe her the courtesy of a phone call, or better yet, meeting in person, to say while she is (whatever your feelings dictate) your lifestyles are imcompatible. We all want to meet the partner who makes us feel good by being ourselves. You cannot be yourself with this woman. Have some patience in finding the person you can't live without, not the person that makes you uncomfortable.I am quite sure some of the other, better spoken people than me, on this site, can give you some advice here, in fewer words. Bill.
 
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Emme is offline Emme Post #6  March 20,2008, 6:10pm

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I guess it depends. That you posted about this says to me that you're a little ambivalent about ending it over money. If that's the case, have you talked to her about the differences in your incomes and how you feel about it? I'm sad that you feel embarrassed about your friends and places you like to go to. I don't think you should feel embarrassed at all! It's entirely possible and maybe even likely that she has not made any such judgments about your friends and lifestyle. I often earn more than the men I date and it doesn't bother me at all so long as he's responsible with the money he does have. I don't have expensive tastes, though, and am quite happy doing very simple things.

If you really want out of this relationship because of the income disparity, my advice would be to be honest with her. Tell her you're uncomfortable about the differences in your lifestyles and you don't think it's something you will be able to get past, even though you have really enjoyed your time together. Or, if you aren't comfortable being that direct, you can simply tell her the relationship is not working out for you and you think it best that you stop seeing each other.
 
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Im So Money is offline Im So Money Post #7  March 20,2008, 6:15pm
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Is she saying/doing things that you are reacting to with embarrassment, or are you now beginning to feelembarrassed about these things? For example, is she saying "oh my god, your friends are so immature" or are you thinking "wow, I just realized my friends are really immature"? Is she saying "I can't believe you come to places like this" or are you thinking "wow, I can't believe I brought her to a place like this"? Instead of breaking it off with her because you're feeling insecure about your financial status, why don't you take the megative feelings and turn them into an opportunity to improve what you'd like to change about yourself? Or, why don't you talk to her about how there's a big difference in your incomes, and you'd like to be able to provide everything you think she desires, but you know you won't be able to financially? Despite there being a lot of gold-diggers out there, I think most women just want a man who can hold his own.



PS - Money doesn't equal expensive taste. Taking a dollar for granted equals expensive taste. I got a new job a few months ago and am making more money than I ever have in my life... I still bargain shop and check the clearance racks.
 
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argytunes is offline argytunes Post #8  March 20,2008, 7:04pm
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saminreallife...

I think I'd feel a little 'put out' if the primary conversation between YOU and THE RICH LADY focused around who makes what and how much? The concept is similar to a couple of children trying to compare the amount of candy the Easter Bunny brought them...and both of them trying to convince the other that he (or she) has the bigger share?

Tell me honestly....aren't you putting more of an emphasis on the cash than on the lady who is carrying it in her purse? Do you like this womanregardless of her high financial status and her ability to earn more money than yourself?

I think most of us would be very content to go through life without a single worry when it comes to how to pay our bills...along with an occasional luxury? But as tough as those challenges can be, I think it's even tougher (at times)to go through life COMPLETELY ALONE?

Especially when it comes toa partner's desire to care for...love...and trust another human being!

You might want to RETHINK your decision to let this lady go?

argytunes
 
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Englishredhead34 is offline Englishredhead34 Post #9  March 20,2008, 11:44pm
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Hi Sam,

I have been on the otherside of that, as a woman earning more, and I am pretty sure it will be an issue for her too, of not now then in the future. Probably, now, though, but she won't let herself think about it just yet.

Women have been brought up with ideas about money between partners, and she will have them too even if they are unconscious. I think it will affect you both sooner or later.

Meanwhile, if you are happy in your lifestyle, friends and hang out places, find someone who appreciates simple pleasures and makes you feel good about what you have to offer her. There are lots of women out there who will make you feel good about yourself.

I'm sorry if this is an unconventional, oldfashioned repsponse, just coming from epxerience.
 
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brutalhonestyguy is offline brutalhonestyguy Post #10  March 21,2008, 7:25am

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Who has the gold makes the rules, this is why most guys(including myself) want to always make more then our mates. Since she has more money she has more power over the relationship. If you can live with this fact and are happy then you should follow your heart.
 
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