I think that the problem a lot of us have with feminists is well described in Hoff Sommer's book "Who Stole Femism?", as I have discussed before. She defines two types of feminists - "Gender Feminists" and "Equity Feminists".


Gender feminists tend to be the stereotypical "radicals" who seek to eliminate any traditional gender roles and who view society as dominated by patriarchal structures that they believe need to be destroyed. Gender feminists tend to be quite misandric and are the ones who seek legalpreference for women (or "womyn" as they might prefer) in areas of employment, chil custody, divorce, etc., and are the ones who will object to male only organizations while promoting female only organizations. It always amazes me how these women will consider a "men only" gym as sexist and they'll protest and picket the place but then they will promote "women only" gyms at the same time. In my own company I took issue with the sexism inherent in an educational offering titled "Authentic Leadership for Women", open only to women, while not offering any equivalent course for men. In fact, when I asked for an equivalent course -- because there are legitimate issues that males need to deal with -- the department head that handles this area, a woman, was rather irritated with me and indicated that there were other leadership classes available but, of course, none that were specific to men, of course. The general sense, from a "gender feminist" idea is that men don't need this kind of help because of the natural advantage that they have in the world.


Gender feminists tend to see gender differences as learned, not innate (though in my view it's probably a combination of the two), there is a conspiratorial "patriarchy" of all men seeking to subjugate all women (and the corollary that men are inherently violent and need to be suppressed) and that all women are victims. Gender feminism dominates academia and "women's studies" courses are typically the best example of this sort of thinking; there was recently a controversy at one of the universities here in Boston about a women's studies professor that refuses to allow male students to take her classes.


"Equity feminists", as defined by Sommers, are where the vast majority of us fit in. This form seeks civil and legal equality for women rather than an elimination of traditional gender roles or a superior role for women. The feminist movement began this way and equity feminists would recognize that motherhood and family are honorable and fulfilling choices for women, for example, rather than subjugation by the patriarchy.


For the OP, the thing to be aware of is that when you state to a date that you are a strong feminist, the first view is what people think of. As a man who definitely is an equity feminist, if I sit down to dinner with a potential partner and she starts going off on this, I'm going to imagine that I'm going to hear a lot of man hating and devaluation of my role as a man. That's not something that I'm going to find attractive at all and I'm going to very quickly lose interest in being involved with you. Most men are going to feel the same way...just as you would if you sat down for a drink with me and I started spouting off about how I believe in male superiority and women need to learn their place and stay barefoot and pregnant and at home taking care of the kids and cooking dinner for me. You'd (rightly) call me a misogynist for that kind of thinking...and a lot of the activist feminists are plainly nothing more than misandrists, the flip side of that coin.


I'd stay off the subject at first, if I were you. Once we get to know each other a bit I think it would be great to talk about your thoughts and mine on the subject...we'd be beyond making snap, stereotypical assumptions based on labels and realize that we had a lot of common ground to work from. But if you come at me right up front about being a strong feminist, I'm seeing "gender feminist" written all over your (attractive) face and I'm just not interested in hearing anymore in how my gender is the root of all that is evil in this world.