What to do? Let it go or confront him?


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yeoww is offline yeoww Post #41  December 21,2008, 7:14pm
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wishes you all the very best!

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My first instinct is always to get everything out in the open, have a sitdown and talk things out! That approach has failed dismally for me when it comes to romance though, which just doesn't lend itself to logic ;=/


Boy,did your post bring back memories for me. I had a very similar situation before I got married. I really though that this guy was The One, but after the Big Night came the Big Cooldown. I confronted and he just faded away. I never did find out whether it was the fact that he "scored" or whether he thought he didn't do well, or just what the situation was.


I'd suggest askingyour guyif he'd like to go out someplace public and fun and I'd never bring the subject of "it" up. Just let the evening play out and see where it takes you. You'll be able to tell soon enough if he's suffering from a case of nerves or if he's simply cooled off. The first scenario you can deal with and if he's a "hit and run" type guy you're better off without him anyway!


Let us know how it goes, OK?
 
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marylovesplaya is offline marylovesplaya Post #42  December 21,2008, 7:16pm
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is thinking too much!!!

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True, if it's just nerves and anxiety, he'll come around and relax. If not, then better to find out now.
 
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rogerlee5 is offline rogerlee5 Post #43  December 21,2008, 8:25pm
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just enjoys watching the sun come up.. or the clouds brighten..

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yeoww,389385 wrote :


I'd suggest asking*your guy*if he'd like to go out someplace public and fun and I'd never bring the subject of "it" up.*
I agree with yeoww on the public place, certainly someplace without a bedroom.. And also about broaching the subject..



One word of caution.. And I am not saying that you are obligated to do anything.. Since your relationship has already crossed the physical barrier, he may well be assuming (I know, that's a bad word) that the relationship will continue on from that point.. If you now wish to back up and stop the intimacy, that may well turn into a different drama.. Especially if he is in fact feeling like he let you down the first time..



Gosh, isn't dating fun..
 
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Doctora2012 is offline Doctora2012 Post #44  December 21,2008, 9:34pm
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I'd just move on.....Next!








....Best wishes
 
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Jato87 is offline Jato87 Post #45  December 22,2008, 11:22am
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last12C,389192 wrote :

In addition to all of the other good possibilities that havebeen mentionedfor what might be going on, I'd like to add that it ispossible that level of intimacy might have scared him a little bit and he needs time to pull back and assess his own feelings and vulnerabilities. If that is the case, giving him a bit of space, then moving forward without any huge expectations might be a good idea. Go back to doing things that were simply funin the beginning (the things that attracted him to you in the first place)for a while to take the pressure off. I don't think that physical intimacy necessarily means the same thing to a guy as it does to a gal. Don't assume that just because he shared thatwith you that he is moving closer toa significantly deeper level of commitment. If he senses that now you have more expectations of him you could scare him off if he is not ready for that step. Good luck!
I agree with last12c above. His withdrawal is so very typical. I think he realized that this was getting serious, and he's not REALLY certain that he's ready to move ahead, so he just backed off. It's awkward, but that's what we do, rather than stay on that fast-moving train that we’re not sure is headed where we want to be.And those who recommended having “THE TALK,” just don’t understand men at all. It's hard to explain your uncertainty without hurting her feelings.
I agree with giving him a no-pressurechance to continue a no-pressure dating relationship. But I'd also suggest spicing it up a bit by letting him know that there’s another guy in the wings who really wants you. Subtly let him know that you're interested in him, but that you have other really attractive opportunities to deal with. (Hopefully that’s true and you won’t have to make them up.) There's nothing like a little jealousy to move a guy off dead center when he realizes that other guys really want his girl.
 
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kayteedid is offline kayteedid Post #46  December 22,2008, 12:17pm
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I would agree with Yeoww's suggestion. Having had a similar experience myself her advice is spot on in my book.


I would like to add that you deserve better then okay. I had broken up with my SO and made the mistake of dating someone I wasn't excited over. He seemed like a nice guy, we had lots in common, etc. In fact he was everything my SO wasn't. Well when we went to that next level all I can say was I tried to convince myself it was better then it was. Technically it was fine, the problem was me. No connection, left me feeling very let down. Long story short he's the one who did the poof within 3 weeks. I didn't give him the satisfaction of hearing from me again. Let him wonder why I didn't care to even ask why. I'm back with my SO and believe me the chemistry is there!
 
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marylovesplaya is offline marylovesplaya Post #47  December 22,2008, 1:31pm
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I do have a couple of other options. I just was most invested in him; I really liked a lot about him. So, we'll see. Maybe it wouldn't hurt if he knew that. And even though it was just okay that time, I think it will get better. All other areas of the physical part of it are way more than okay. We'll see what happens.
 
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BobinFla is offline BobinFla Post #48  December 22,2008, 2:26pm
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Myself, I would just let it go even though knowing what happened would be nice. But pushing for an answer may take it where you have no intentions of it going. But letting it go may keep things positive for you.


Good luck in your search.
 
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Aussie_Devilette is offline Aussie_Devilette Post #49  December 22,2008, 2:53pm
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marylovesplaya,389247 wrote :
I agree that nobody is so busy they can't find a few minutes to call. We did talk; it just didn't feel the same to me. Maybe it was me reading more into it. I'm not sure. And I do value myself and I do value sex. I'm not slutty in any sense. If he feels a need to pull back, then he should tell me. If I felt like I needed to after being intimate with him, for whatever reason, I would tell him. I don't "give it up" easily. I think it's different for everyone. For some people, sex on the first date works. For me, I have to have some real mental connection. It was there. I didn't imagine it. And I don't chase him, and he doesn't chase me. It's been somewhat equal, though he is very gentlemanly and attentive when we go out. Maybe subconsciously I feel like I did sleep with him too soon (although on a conscious level I don't) and that's why I'm feeling a little antsy about it. Time will tell I guess.
Hi Mary,

This is the bit that I'm focussing on. "We did talk; it just didn't feel the same to me. Maybe it was me reading more into it. I'm not sure."

I have a feeling that once the physical intimacy takes place, women have a tendancy to expect something to change - I am not sure what - and I'm sure I'm as guilty as the next woman! I'm guessing that on some level men recognise this but that it mystifies them somewhat (feel free to speak up, guys).

So there ends up being a "settling period" for both parties. You wonder what he is going to do, and he is wondering what it is that you expect him to do now. Consequently neither feels comfortable - until you get together again and then it is OK, then tension falls away. This is assuming everying is OK of course! LOL But I haven't read anything in your posts to indicate everything is NOT OK, I'm just hearing the typical "well, what happens now" from both sides.

It is a shift in the dynamics of the relationship - it has stepped up a gear and that requires an adjustment of sorts on both sides.

I do think you are over analysing at this stage. Did the communication you had not feel the same as before, or did it not feel as you were EXPECTING it to feel because you had stepped up a gear? Only you can answer that.

Chill out a bit, have a nice glass of wine with him and relax. Possibly even not have another physical "encoutner" until you both feel more relaxed.

One other consideration. Men are VERY touchy about their performance. If he doesn't feel he performed well, he may be berating himself, feeling as if he "stuffed up" and that you won't now be interested. Men can be a LOT more insecure about this than women realise (even LSS, I am sure) so it may well be he actually needs reassurance from you.
 
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Aussie_Devilette is offline Aussie_Devilette Post #50  December 22,2008, 2:55pm
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Hi Mary, This is the bit that I'm focussing on. "We did talk; it just didn't feel the same to me. Maybe it was me reading more into it. I'm not sure."


I have a feeling that once the physical intimacy takes place, women have a tendancy to expect something to change - I am not sure what - and I'm sure I'm as guilty as the next woman! I'm guessing that on some level men recognise this but that it mystifies them somewhat (feel free to speak up, guys). So there ends up being a "settling period" for both parties. You wonder what he is going to do, and he is wondering what it is that you expect him to do now. Consequently neither feels comfortable - until you get together again and then it is OK, then tension falls away. This is assuming everying is OK of course! LOL But I haven't read anything in your posts to indicate everything is NOT OK,


I'm just hearing the typical "well, what happens now" from both sides. It is a shift in the dynamics of the relationship - it has stepped up a gear and that requires an adjustment of sorts on both sides. I do think you are over analysing at this stage. Did the communication you had not feel the same as before, or did it not feel as you were EXPECTING it to feel because you had stepped up a gear? Only you can answer that.


Chill out a bit, have a nice glass of wine with him and relax. Possibly even not have another physical "encoutner" until you both feel more relaxed.


One other consideration. Men are VERY touchy about their performance. If he doesn't feel he performed well, he may be berating himself, feeling as if he "stuffed up" and that you won't now be interested. Men can be a LOT more insecure about this than women realise (even LSS, I am sure) so it may well be he actually needs reassurance from you.
 
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