Looking for Mr./Mrs. Perfect?


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ds1968 is offline ds1968 Post #1  December 20,2008, 7:42pm
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Hey there eHA users – I am fairly new to this site although I have been a eH user for a few years. I have been browsing through some posts and have made a few posts of my own. I think I am finally getting the hang of things around here. Well, here is the reason for this post – Are we all looking for Mr./Mrs. Perfect?


I read posts by all types of people commenting on the same thing – we all seem to not be finding what we are looking for because we are: to short, too tall, too heavy, too thin, too educated, too blue collar, too many kids (that’s me), no kids at all, too needy, too independent … well, you get the picture. I am just as guilty of this as the next person. I have so much going on in my own life that I find it overwhelming to add issues to the mix. I think most people feel that way. However, how many of us consider ourselves perfect?


I am an educated, 40 year old, career oriented woman with four wonderful intelligent children. I have responsibilities that must be tended to yet, I can have just as much fun as the next person. I have a lot to offer a relationship but don’t seem to be given a second look because of my children status. Yet, I have a tendency to do the same thing when I am matched with someone outside my comfort zone. Honesty guys, is it just me? Have I become so independent (not needing a man in my life and all) that I can not see past a few real life flaws to find Mr. 80% (quote from Dr. Phil). Do men have so many female options out there that they can not see what a single mom has to offer? What is wrong with too educated, too blue collar, too short? What has become of the traditional “for better or for worse” relationship?


Ok – maybe that was too long for a post question. Sorry! Bear with me. You guys seem to have a good community here and I was just wondering what your thoughts were on the subject. Thanks for your time!
 
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Vaire1967 is offline Vaire1967 Post #2  December 20,2008, 7:59pm
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Hi ds =) Welcome and well met.


Well said there, and i agree. Too much opportunity to shop around? i dunno, but i find myself learning constantly about myself , about myself in interaction with other, about all kinds of stuff in the process!
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  December 20,2008, 8:15pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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For me....being 'picky' about who I'll commit to isn't a matter of having so many options. For me it's a matter of how seriously I take the 'for better or for worse' vows. I have to feel deeply on an emotional level that I can be inspired to spend the rest of my life with a woman in order for me to be willing to start a relationship with her.


What you mention about being so independent that you aren't willing to settle for a Mr. 80% isn't necessarily a bad thing. Perhaps this will make you wait for a man with whom you'll really be willing to stick with for the long haul. About the difficulties associated with dating & finding a partner while having 4 children...I think it may just come down to some people being in a different stage of life than you. Because of their age, past relationship experience, having had children of their own etc. may make some men a good match for you and others not.


So.....yes, I think a lot of us aren't willing to settle for a Mr./Ms. 80%....but I actually think this may be a good thing....and will (hopefully) make it more likely that when we actually find Mr./Ms. 98% that the relationship will be even more meaningful and durable. Best wishes.
 
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hornet is offline hornet Post #4  December 20,2008, 8:39pm
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Well, all I can say is there is no rhyme or reason to anything that has to do with the dating world. Everyone has their preferences. I, myself, don't think I have sooooo many options that I can discriminate on so many "petty" type things. All we can do is hope for the best and eventually the "one" will happen. I have stopped trying so hard, and become quite patient. When it will, happen, it will. Bless you for being a wonderful, well rounded, single parent. You aren't in California, are you? wink wink
 
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ds1968 is offline ds1968 Post #5  December 20,2008, 8:42pm
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Thank-you all. I agree that I don't want to settle, however when does not settling become being too picky? I mean should we really be worried about the little things when there are so many larger issues that should be looked at?
 
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ds1968 is offline ds1968 Post #6  December 20,2008, 8:46pm
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why yes, I am in CA! It's a bit cold here now though. Doesn't feel much like sunny California this week. Thank-you!
 
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Shelby is offline Shelby Post #7  December 20,2008, 9:04pm
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said what she meant; meant what she said.

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I think the problem is that the Mr./ Ms. Perfect checklist is too long for some people. That said, there appears to be a quantum levels of compatibility that few matches can achieve because we have these relationship filters that we can't get through:


1. Attraction filter - physical appearance, wardrobe, car.


2. Dating filter - Vocabulary, manners, initial courting behavior, activity preferences


3. Success filter-profession/ career/ job, education, income,


4. Demographic filter - background, family information, kids, friends, location, etc.


5. Values filter - situational ethics, character, politics, financial habits, religion, sex, culture, emotional intelligence, communication, thought and decision-making processes.


I think if my match and I haven't filtered each other out by this point, we've reached that 80% critical success level for our relationship.


The remaining 20% would have to do with probably the more mundane, maybe nitpicky behaviors and habits (sloppy lifestyle, driving style, odd friends, for example.) These shouldn't be the reason to throw out the 80%.
 
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ds1968 is offline ds1968 Post #8  December 20,2008, 9:36pm
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I guess we all have our own filters.I agree with attraction (although carmay not be as important to me). I just wonder if some people have some of those mundane items in thier dealbreakers. I am just trying to figure out dating bahavior. Any maybe get some answers on why I am still single.
 
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gr8galmv is offline gr8galmv Post #9  December 20,2008, 9:36pm
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I stopped looking for the perfect person when I realized that life wasn't about pretending to have the fairytale and rather about understanding who you are as a person and the kind of man who I would want to share the rest of my life with faults and all. This happened around my mid 20s.
 
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Tantalus is offline Tantalus Post #10  December 20,2008, 9:37pm
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is apparently a narcotic to some people

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I might be too picky, but I really doubt it. I refuse to settle because I know I am worth more than what I am asking. That said, I don't really have criteria. Every time I try to come up with a list, I'll come across someone who is an exception to one of the things on the list. So, what it boils down to is that I look for chemistry. If it's there, hallelujah, and if it's not, I move on.
 
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