After the first date questions.


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AnnaLeigh is offline AnnaLeigh Post #1  December 13,2008, 9:55am
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I'm sure this has already been addressed, but I don't want to sift through all the topics. So, I had a first date and it seemed to go well. I sent a simple thank you note the following morning. Nothing. Nada. Given I totally buy into the "He's just not that into you philosophy" how long doI go before I send an email of goodbye? (We don't have one another's phone numbers.) Men: How long do you typically wait? And I am NOT going to contact him because my thank you note should be "enough."


It's not that I am desperate or pessimistic. I'm just very aware of cues. I'm thinkin' the hug, though nice, in lieu of a kiss, is not a good sign. Or is this actually charming and I'm just too use tobeinggropped, man-handled...(What have y'all experienced?) And a "I'll be in touch" followed quickly by him walking away, is another not good sign.


In addition, what do y'all think about dating someone who hasbeen divorced barely three months? I've learned so much about myself and have "changed" within the year I've been divorced that I wonder if it wouldn't be prudent to date someone so "new" to the Single World.


Thanks for the advice!
 
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SierraMountainAir is offline SierraMountainAir Post #2  December 13,2008, 10:09am
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You neglected to say how long it has been since this happened.





If it has been a week, and nothing from him, you could contact him again





Since you know him already, you only have to go to him on ONE knee........instead of on TWO!!!


mua hahahahaahahahaahahahahahaaha!!!











Seriously: NEXT !!!!!! ---- If he was into you even a little, and wanted to see you again, he would have called in a week. Doesn't sound like he is, as a Hug AND "i'll be in touch" are CLASSIC blow off moves.
 
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AnnaLeigh is offline AnnaLeigh Post #3  December 13,2008, 10:19am
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6dle899,378731 wrote :


You neglected to say how long it has been since this happened.





If it has been a week, and nothing from him, you could contact him again





Since you know him already, you only have to go to him on ONE knee........instead of on TWO!!!


mua hahahahaahahahaahahahahahaaha!!!











Seriously: NEXT !!!!!! ---- If he was into you even a little, and wanted to see you again, he would have called in a week. Doesn't sound like he is, as a Hug AND "i'll be in touch" are CLASSIC blow off moves.


Thank you for your honesty about the classic move! Okay, I'll tell you how long it's been, but no rolling of the eyes. I'm merely just wondering -- planning ahead. Okay, so today is Saturday. The date was this past Thursday night. I sent the email Friday morning (yes, only yesterday). I know he was having a busy day at workFriday but I don't want to start giving excuses for no contact. I'm just curious about the norm. I'm not contacting him again. I don't want to make him uncomfortable. I realize it hasn't been that long....I'm just wondering....do guys typically call within a couple of days if they are interested??
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #4  December 13,2008, 10:21am

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anna I think you answered all your own questions, right on target. dont question yourself....I think your right to the very last sentence. Hes too new....


dont call or say goodbye, just let it fade and that leaves the door open if he does decide to get back to you. I dont think you really NEED closure after just one date. you have done all you can do!
 
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maple2 is offline maple2 Post #5  December 13,2008, 10:43am
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A comment about "he's only been divorced for 3 months". What was his situation 3 months ago? Was he living with her? How longhas he been separated? Did he have much contact with her while separated etc.? These are questions I would want the answers to sometime before I commit emotionally. I know you would not 'interview' him regarding any of these esepcially on the first date, but I would keep my ears open. I went out with someone who had been divorced for 6 months and on the 3rd date, not sure how he blurted out that he had been seeing the ex, going out to dinner with her even while separated. That was ared flag for me he was not ready for me.
 
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Tyym is offline Tyym Post #6  December 13,2008, 10:44am
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AnnaLeigh, wrote :

I'm sure this has already been addressed, but I don't want to sift through all the topics. So, I had a first date and it seemed to go well. I sent a simple thank you note the following morning. Nothing. Nada. Given I totally buy into the "He's just not that into you philosophy" how long doI go before I send an email of goodbye? (We don't have one another's phone numbers.) Men: How long do you typically wait? And I am NOT going to contact him because my thank you note should be "enough."


It's not that I am desperate or pessimistic. I'm just very aware of cues. I'm thinkin' the hug, though nice, in lieu of a kiss, is not a good sign. Or is this actually charming and I'm just too use tobeinggropped, man-handled...(What have y'all experienced?) And a "I'll be in touch" followed quickly by him walking away, is another not good sign.


In addition, what do y'all think about dating someone who hasbeen divorced barely three months? I've learned so much about myself and have "changed" within the year I've been divorced that I wonder if it wouldn't be prudent to date someone so "new" to the Single World.


Thanks for the advice!

You know... I think we're all getting pretty hung up on perceived dating rules. I always advocate being yourself... if someone doesn't receive you well or misunderstands you (if you've been clear) then they are likely not the one for you. If I like someone, I'm not afraid to show it... if it makes me look needy to them... they are not the one for me and that's that! I had a very great date last night and emailed when I got home as the road conditions were horrible! She emailed when she got home too. What you describe sounds a little discourteous, but then again... maybe he's not a big one on email. I am and would have responded! You're right about not sending another.. the ball is definately in his court and it is his to respond. You never know what happens after the conclusion of a date... any number of things could occur that would preclude his ability to respond, but I would say a week is more than reasonable. You could say goodbye in a nice way, but leave it open in case someting actually did happen. Just be honest and yourself. This 2 day rule thing really grinds my backside!


Just remember we're all different and have different comfort levels. I'm always sensitive to my date... some are more and some are less physical as far as the kiss/hug question goes. It just takes time, understanding, attention and patience. I can tell you that I watch for signs that it's ok to lean in for a kiss... I try to be very respectful when it comes to breaking the physical boundary.... maybe your guy feels likewise. It's ok for you to kiss too you know!


From what you describe... I would think that he's not feeling it. If I'm into a woman... I end the date with... would you like to do this again... if the answer is yes... then I askwhen or will let her know I'll be calling her very soon to find out. First date.. is likely to be a hug unless there is huge chemistry, but I'll show definate interest in getting together again and likely soon. For me... if I ended a date with I'll be in touch and a quick exit... well I would'nt do that, but I can tell you that I agree it's not a good sign.


Divorced only three months is not a big deal if he's been separated for more than a year. If it's a very short term split, he needs time to reconcile his relationship, learn from it and choose his new life's path. If he's not done that yet, he should not be out there in the dating world.


In the end... thereare plenty of great men out there for you to choose from... to me... it sounds like you should be making the choice here. If I'd had your date and based on your description... it would be cyal8tr.


Good luck and Merry Christmas
 
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rogerlee5 is offline rogerlee5 Post #7  December 13,2008, 11:46am
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AnnaLeigh, wrote :

I'm sure this has already been addressed, but I don't want to sift through all the topics. So, I had a first date and it seemed to go well. I sent a simple thank you note the following morning.* Nothing. Nada.* Given I totally buy into the "He's just not that into you philosophy" how long do*I go before I send an email of goodbye? (We don't have one another's phone numbers.)* Men: How long do you typically wait? And I am NOT going to contact him because my thank you note should be "enough."


It's not that I am desperate or pessimistic. I'm just very aware of cues. I'm thinkin' the hug, though nice, in lieu of a kiss, is not a good sign.* Or is this actually charming and I'm just too use to*being*gropped, man-handled...*(What have y'all experienced?)* And a "I'll be in touch" followed quickly by him walking away, is another not good sign.


In addition, what do y'all think about dating someone who has*been divorced barely three months? I've learned so much about myself and have "changed" within the year I've been divorced that I wonder if it wouldn't be prudent to date someone so "new" to the Single World.


Thanks for the advice!


*
Hello Anna..



You are right, this has been discussed a myriad of times.. Usually under the topic of "poof" or "what happened?" and the advice is generally what you are seeing.. (ie dump the bum)



Allow me to present a slightly different perspective..



Something I notice about myself and in reading the threads, I think is common in many people... When I am sending somebody a note, and I analyze every word to make sure it conveys just the right amount of humor, suaveness, (if that is a word) debonairity, (I know that one isn't) and sincerity, and I complete my masterpiece, proudly give it the final editorial read and push the send button,,,, I want an answer, and I want it NOW... Patience certainly would be a virtue in this arena, but, when you are waiting for that reply that says, "Here I am, I accept you..", waiting is tough, and a couple of days can seem to be a long time..



One thing I have noticed, in my comms with women in the 50 to 55 age bracket, is that before I appeared, they had lives.. Usually very full lives with grown children, parents, friends and careers.. They don't have a lot of time for a new relationship, although they profess to want one.. Sometimes it can be a couple of days or a week, before I hear back.. I used to write them off as, "If they expect me to chase them, they are barking up the wrong tree." I have changed my approach as of late...



Allow me to offer advice in the form of what I would do in your situation.. If it was someone I was really into, and wanted to push it a little?? (Rather than rewrite it all) Go to page 3 and read "Prunes.."



But, more often, I am being more casual about it.. If I sent the last comms?? I don't send another.. They are the ones that may be "poofing" and.. Oh well.. Often, after a couple of days, or a week, they send an email apologizing for the delay, but everything has been hectic/very busy/etc., and they seem to desire more communication.. Then, it is no harm/no foul and I write back.. If we begin to find a true affection for each other, we both will begin to rearrange our schedules to accommodate more of each other.. It will happen naturally, or it won't happen at all.. This is how I currently feel about the email/phone/first or second date..



If it was months into comms, and many dates, (nothing has progressed that far as of late for me) and the "poof" represented a change in behavior, without extraordinary circumstances and prior notification, such as "Sorry, I ain't gonna be around for a while, I will call as soon as I get back.." then, I would send the "It was fun, see ya around" email..



I wouldn't over analyze or put too much stock in "cues"... I see that getting done a lot in the threads, and, at best, it is guessing..



As to Divorce?? It depends on the circumstances and the people.. Some people have been separated for years before the divorce was final, and have had time to adjust their lives already.. Some people have more control of the feelings and attitudes than others and heal more readily.. This may be a more appropriate venue for watching the cues, and stepping back and being objective and, always, by protecting yourself first.. There are a lot of people that behave erratically around divorce time..



In a nutshell?? Don't call him.. Use your energy to pursue more matches.. If he calls next week, and it sounds like fun to you, see him again.. If not, he will be gone from your memory, and you may be in the middle of something much better.. Don't lose the dream, but back up and be objective about seeing the "now" as it really is..
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #8  December 13,2008, 12:13pm
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I sent a simple thank you note the following morning. [/b]
Perfect, in my opinion.
how long do I go before I send an email of goodbye? (We don't have one another's phone numbers.) Men: How long do you typically wait? And I am NOT going to contact him because my thank you note should be "enough."[/b]
Also correct. I don’t really “wait,” but probably went right to sleep after a date, then work the next day. I would allow several days, though I think you’ll usually get a communication from a man sooner if things will progress.
It's not that I am desperate or pessimistic. I'm just very aware of cues. I'm thinkin' the hug, though nice, in lieu of a kiss, is not a good sign. Or is this actually charming and I'm just too use to being gropped, man-handled... (What have y'all experienced?) [/b]
I was too afraid I would offend or scare off a woman to hug, much less kiss. I wish I was better at this. I’ve taken to raising this in an e-mail before meeting … “how do you like to be greeted.”
And a "I'll be in touch" followed quickly by him walking away, is another not good sign.[/b]
Oh, but neither is an endless goodbye (and, if I am accustomed to being asleep at 10:00, and here I am still at your house with an hour’s drive home &hellip
In addition, what do y'all think about dating someone who has been divorced barely three months? I've learned so much about myself and have "changed" within the year I've been divorced that I wonder if it wouldn't be prudent to date someone so "new" to the Single World.[/b]
Probably you are right to be concerned, but keep in mind that some people are emotionally over their relationship and / or separated long before divorce.
Taking preemptive action to send an e-mail rejecting someone seems a foolish strategy. He likes you or he doesn’t, but it costs you nothing to give him the chance. Longer term you can negotiate his frequency / style of communication. Just don’t put your hopes on him; see others.
 
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AnnaLeigh is offline AnnaLeigh Post #9  December 13,2008, 4:29pm
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maple2,378759 wrote :

A comment about "he's only been divorced for 3 months". What was his situation 3 months ago? Was he living with her? How longhas he been separated? Did he have much contact with her while separated etc.? These are questions I would want the answers to sometime before I commit emotionally. I know you would not 'interview' him regarding any of these esepcially on the first date, but I would keep my ears open. I went out with someone who had been divorced for 6 months and on the 3rd date, not sure how he blurted out that he had been seeing the ex, going out to dinner with her even while separated. That was ared flag for me he was not ready for me.
He had left about nine months ago. I still think it's all pretty fresh. I think as CP30 suggested, I'll just let this fade out... It's okay (I tell myself) it was a very nice evening and that's that (most likely). I am sorry your date waved such a big red flag. I guess this is just part of a journey and, for me, I am just happy I hadn't immediately thought I could "help" him through the first year of divorce. Now that's progress!
 
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AnnaLeigh is offline AnnaLeigh Post #10  December 13,2008, 4:33pm
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Tyym,378761 wrote :

AnnaLeigh, wrote :


I'm sure this has already been addressed, but I don't want to sift through all the topics. So, I had a first date and it seemed to go well. I sent a simple thank you note the following morning. Nothing. Nada. Given I totally buy into the "He's just not that into you philosophy" how long doI go before I send an email of goodbye? (We don't have one another's phone numbers.) Men: How long do you typically wait? And I am NOT going to contact him because my thank you note should be "enough."


It's not that I am desperate or pessimistic. I'm just very aware of cues. I'm thinkin' the hug, though nice, in lieu of a kiss, is not a good sign. Or is this actually charming and I'm just too use tobeinggropped, man-handled...(What have y'all experienced?) And a "I'll be in touch" followed quickly by him walking away, is another not good sign.


In addition, what do y'all think about dating someone who hasbeen divorced barely three months? I've learned so much about myself and have "changed" within the year I've been divorced that I wonder if it wouldn't be prudent to date someone so "new" to the Single World.


Thanks for the advice!





You know... I think we're all getting pretty hung up on perceived dating rules. I always advocate being yourself... if someone doesn't receive you well or misunderstands you (if you've been clear) then they are likely not the one for you. If I like someone, I'm not afraid to show it... if it makes me look needy to them... they are not the one for me and that's that! I had a very great date last night and emailed when I got home as the road conditions were horrible! She emailed when she got home too. What you describe sounds a little discourteous, but then again... maybe he's not a big one on email. I am and would have responded! You're right about not sending another.. the ball is definately in his court and it is his to respond. You never know what happens after the conclusion of a date... any number of things could occur that would preclude his ability to respond, but I would say a week is more than reasonable. You could say goodbye in a nice way, but leave it open in case someting actually did happen. Just be honest and yourself. This 2 day rule thing really grinds my backside!


Just remember we're all different and have different comfort levels. I'm always sensitive to my date... some are more and some are less physical as far as the kiss/hug question goes. It just takes time, understanding, attention and patience. I can tell you that I watch for signs that it's ok to lean in for a kiss... I try to be very respectful when it comes to breaking the physical boundary.... maybe your guy feels likewise. It's ok for you to kiss too you know!


From what you describe... I would think that he's not feeling it. If I'm into a woman... I end the date with... would you like to do this again... if the answer is yes... then I askwhen or will let her know I'll be calling her very soon to find out. First date.. is likely to be a hug unless there is huge chemistry, but I'll show definate interest in getting together again and likely soon. For me... if I ended a date with I'll be in touch and a quick exit... well I would'nt do that, but I can tell you that I agree it's not a good sign.


Divorced only three months is not a big deal if he's been separated for more than a year. If it's a very short term split, he needs time to reconcile his relationship, learn from it and choose his new life's path. If he's not done that yet, he should not be out there in the dating world.


In the end... thereare plenty of great men out there for you to choose from... to me... it sounds like you should be making the choice here. If I'd had your date and based on your description... it would be cyal8tr.


Good luck and Merry Christmas
Thanks, Ty. I greatly appreciate your sharing! It is very good reinforcement for what I'm thinking, and I do appreciate the male perspective. Merry Christmas to you too!
 
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