Should I (and how to) break it off with "nice guy" ?


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99bluemustangs is offline 99bluemustangs Post #1  December 11,2008, 12:38pm
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Ok - here's the problem. Been dating a very nice guy I met on e-H for about 6 weeks now. I'm not feeling the magic, but he is. Is it fair to keep dating him or should I break it off? I enjoy his company and we have quite a few common interests, but I'm just not feeling the sparks.


We both have busy work schedules & other social obligations that don't involve each other, and we both work out about 3 nights a week at our respective gyms. So, we only go out once, maybe twice a week, and he always has wonderful dates planned. We go to plays, concerts, dinner theater, wine tastings, nice restaurantsor whatever. I have no problems with him other than, I just don't feel any intense physical attraction to him. He's nice looking enough, it's just the whole chemistry part that's missing.


I don't want to lead him on and I'm polite enough, (thanks for nice evening) but not super-encouraging (that was the best time I've everhad, when can we do it again?)


So am I wronging him by continuing to see him? And if I break it off, then what do I say? "Let's just be friends" seems so trite and overused.


So - this is mostly a question for the guys.What are the words I should use that hurt the least?I don't want to hurt this guy at all and am afraid if I continue to see him he will become far more emotionally involved than he is now. He tells me that he thinks about me all the time, and frankly,I think about him when it's time to get ready for the date.


If it makes any difference, I'm 51 and he's 54. I've been married twice for a total of 27 years and he's never been married. Normally I would not date a man that old who has never been married. He's been the exception because he really is such a nice guy. But I'm not willing to settle for relationship without "the magic".


Suggestions?
 
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PY is offline PY Post #2  December 11,2008, 12:43pm

Sometimes...just be a bigger person and take the high road.

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Would you be able to be more specifics on the chemistry part? What is it about him specifically that makes you both lack chemistry? Things he said/not say? Things he does/doesn't do? Different interests? Different values?


If you said he's nice looking...but you're not attracted to him, how different is he from your own idea of 'perfect' guy?
 
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99bluemustangs is offline 99bluemustangs Post #3  December 11,2008, 1:20pm
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Has nothing to do with looking for a "perfect guy".


I'm naturally a physically affectionate person and Ifrankly justdon't get that feeling of wanting tomake love to this guy. We cuddle. We neck. I just don't get anydesire to go any further with him. It's hard to explain - but I have no feelings of physically desiringthis guy.That's what I call "chemistry". Maybe no pheromones?
 
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LonelyStarState is offline LonelyStarState Post #4  December 11,2008, 1:21pm

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i think this guy can give you that magic you're looking for in your life
 
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hbgirl66 is offline hbgirl66 Post #5  December 11,2008, 1:26pm
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Hey 99, I feel for you. I, too, have been in this situation. I won't offer any advice, cuz I handled mine very badly. I don't envy your position, and I wish you luck. Let us know how it goes, and give us pointers if you can.
 
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Songryder is offline Songryder Post #6  December 11,2008, 1:33pm
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99bluemustangs, wrote :

Ok - here's the problem. Been dating a very nice guy I met on e-H for about 6 weeks now. I'm not feeling the magic, but he is. Is it fair to keep dating him or should I break it off? I enjoy his company and we have quite a few common interests, but I'm just not feeling the sparks.


We both have busy work schedules & other social obligations that don't involve each other, and we both work out about 3 nights a week at our respective gyms. So, we only go out once, maybe twice a week, and he always has wonderful dates planned. We go to plays, concerts, dinner theater, wine tastings, nice restaurantsor whatever. I have no problems with him other than, I just don't feel any intense physical attraction to him. He's nice looking enough, it's just the whole chemistry part that's missing.


I don't want to lead him on and I'm polite enough, (thanks for nice evening) but not super-encouraging (that was the best time I've everhad, when can we do it again?)


So am I wronging him by continuing to see him? And if I break it off, then what do I say? "Let's just be friends" seems so trite and overused.


So - this is mostly a question for the guys.What are the words I should use that hurt the least?I don't want to hurt this guy at all and am afraid if I continue to see him he will become far more emotionally involved than he is now. He tells me that he thinks about me all the time, and frankly,I think about him when it's time to get ready for the date.


If it makes any difference, I'm 51 and he's 54. I've been married twice for a total of 27 years and he's never been married. Normally I would not date a man that old who has never been married. He's been the exception because he really is such a nice guy. But I'm not willing to settle for relationship without "the magic".


Suggestions?

Well, it's going to hurt anyway, but of course you don't want to be cruel. Just tell him the truth. He's feeling the spark, but unfortunately you aren't, but you are willing to remain friends if he's up to that. He won't like it in the beginning . . . no one likes rejection, but as time goes by it may be he'll become a good friend.


It is clearly best to let someone know you're not interested as soon as you do. Don't hang on because it just makes it worse if they continue to think you're as interested as they are. It's unfair to them when they need to move on and find someone that will feel the same way.


The other thing is, is what do you consider "magic" and would it be stepping outside that realm of expectation to perhaps "feel" something else like comfort instead of the hormonal rush of being lustily attracted to someone? Just a question. I'm finding more and more that I'm not looking for that kind of initial "wow" factor because it doesn't last. It's nice if it's there but I've stopped basing my selections of men on that first initial spark. Good luck!
 
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PY is offline PY Post #7  December 11,2008, 2:16pm

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OK my only 'advice' is that...don't mention the word 'friend' unless you really mean it. IF you did, please be clear that you are better off as friends without any future expectations of possibly growing into something more and sincerely wish him the best.
 
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sabete2002 is offline sabete2002 Post #8  December 11,2008, 2:23pm
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PY's advice is spot on. It's a tough one but the longer you continue the more he is going to get the impression that you want a relationship with him. It is hard when the guy is that nice yet there is something missing but if it is not right for you, it's not right.
 
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Glider_Pilot is offline Glider_Pilot Post #9  December 11,2008, 2:50pm
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99bluemustangs, wrote :

Ok - here's the problem. ... What are the words I should use that hurt the least?I don't want to hurt this guy at all and am afraid if I continue to see him he will become far more emotionally involved than he is now....
Okay, here's an answer:


Stop seeing him. Right now. If you have honestly determined that there is no 'chemistry' between you - that you see him as a friend and nothing more - you should give him the respect of allowing him to go find someone who is interested in him romantically. Continuing to see him may keep you from being lonely on date-night, but that's not a very nice thing to do to him.


As you suspect, if you continue to see him, he's going to attach more significance to the relationship than you're giving it, and that will hurt him far more in the long run than something that broke up relatively early.


As for what will hurt him "the least": Be polite, direct, and respectful of his feelings. There are no magic words you can use that will make it painless for him, but hinting instead of being direct will hurt him a lot more than anything you could actualy say. It's kind of like taking off a Band-Aid: quick hurts a bit more in the moment, but in the long-run, it hurts a lot less.


Simply tell him that, while you've enjoyed the time the two of you have spent together, you've decided that the two of you really aren't a good long-term match, and that you wish him luck in his search for the right person.


Any more, or any less, just opens the door to more pain for both of you.
 
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Manderava is offline Manderava Post #10  December 11,2008, 3:19pm
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I know that you're asking the guys, but in my experience you need to be truthful and kind to him. Tell him something honest like,


'I think you're fantastic, you're so kind to me and I really value the time that we've been spending together, but I don't feel the kind of romantic chemistry with you that I'm really longing for. I can't explain why, and I do wish it was there, because as I said I think you're fantastic. You're going to make someone so happy, but I just don't think I'm the right woman for you.'


How does that sound?
 
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