Edmondo is offline Edmondo Post #1  November 26,2008, 7:26pm
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This happened to me and still makes me wonder.

I am going out with a women with two kids. One is 12 and the other is 15. It was coming up to the fourth of July I asked what are they up to and she said she didn’t have plan and was going to stay home. So I asked how about finding something or do something and she agreed. So I found a town BBQ in the next town. When I showed up to go her oldest daughter didn’t want to go, so I said leave her but my GF insisted she comes. Well when we got to the BBQ the daughter refused to get out of the car. Actually she and her mother had a chat for a half a hour. So after the BBQ we went to a ice cream parlor and the daughter didn’t want ice cream but once again the mother pushed it on her. When we got back to her house the daughter went into her room. Her mother went into the room and talked for a while. A little while later my GF told me I had to leave because her daughter was in a bad.

At this point I am wondering who is the adult in her house.
 
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Breezy26 is offline Breezy26 Post #2  November 26,2008, 8:09pm
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I think dating a woman or man with kids isa challenge. Especially when they're preteens or teens. Because to them, you're Mom'snew boyfriendor Dad's new girlfriend. And you want them to like you and accept you and you want to like them, as well. However, kids also have feelings, moods, opinions. Sometimes, no matter what you do, they won't accept you because they don't see you as fit for Mom or Dad, they think that you are going to be a replacement for Mom or Dad, or they just don't like you for some other reason.


Perhaps she's not yet used to you. Not sure how long you've been dating this woman. It might just take some adjusting for her. Give it time.
 
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m8se69 is offline m8se69 Post #3  November 26,2008, 8:40pm
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Typically a 15 year old only cares about themselves and their friends, and what they are missing bybeing stuck with the parental units.


It sounds like you are in the middle of a mother trying to get through these teen years with her child. If you care for her, you'llaccept what she has to do. But there's nothing holding you there if you can't handle it.
 
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Tyym is offline Tyym Post #4  November 26,2008, 8:54pm
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Edmondo, wrote :
This happened to me and still makes me wonder.

I am going out with a women with two kids. One is 12 and the other is 15. It was coming up to the fourth of July I asked what are they up to and she said she didn’t have plan and was going to stay home. So I asked how about finding something or do something and she agreed. So I found a town BBQ in the next town. When I showed up to go her oldest daughter didn’t want to go, so I said leave her but my GF insisted she comes. Well when we got to the BBQ the daughter refused to get out of the car. Actually she and her mother had a chat for a half a hour. So after the BBQ we went to a ice cream parlor and the daughter didn’t want ice cream but once again the mother pushed it on her. When we got back to her house the daughter went into her room. Her mother went into the room and talked for a while. A little while later my GF told me I had to leave because her daughter was in a bad.

At this point I am wondering who is the adult in her house.
Speaking as as someone who is a step dad and has lived this... my advise is get used to it or get going! If you're going to date someone with kids... either pre-teen or teen... you're going to see this. There is a very good book you might want to read called 'stay out of my life, but first, can you give me and cheryl a ride to the mall'. It's by a Dr. Wolf and is an incredible insight into the mind of the teenager. It will help any parent or would be parent with the difficulties of dealing with and raising a teenager!


My 2 kids are wonderful and the lights of my life (they are steps) and I would not trade one second of the time I've spent both good and bad!


You might buy the book and read it with your girlfriend... we all have challenges dealing with teenagers and it's especially difficult to do alone. It can be very easy to allow yourself to get dragged into their world and it's easy to wonder who the 'adult' is... Teen's don't come with a manual... don't forget.. your Girlfriend would probably have enjoyed the day more if her daugter had behaved differently.. certainly in front of you. All I can say is.. it's not easy. Some people are better at it than others or catch on more quickly.


In the end it boils down to this... do you want to be a bystander or involved? Even if all you do is to provide support... are you in or out?


Good Luck
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #5  November 27,2008, 4:30am
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I think there's two issues here with the OP.


First one, it doesn't seem that the mother has clear boundaries with the kid on who the parent in the house is. The child hasn't learned the skills needed on how she handles her own bad moods. Refusal to get out of the car is basically a temper tantrum. Temper tantrums should have been nipped in the bud after the first one occured at what... 2 years of age?


Second one, without knowing the history of the OP this is only a guess. If a dating parent is continuously bringing new and different people around the children/the house and expecting the children to just accept that, enjoy that, fall into line with that, then any problems or negative feelings the kid has about it are going to be magnified. The child's needs and wants probably weren't taken into consideration. They're just expected to automatically like and immediately get along with the new 'date'. That's going to result in resentment, which will result in acting out.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #6  November 27,2008, 6:32am
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Frankly, if that had been my daughter, she would've found herself punished (grounded) for her rude and disrespectful behavior. I don't behave that way when she brings her friends over - some of which I don't care for - she doesn't get to treat my friends like that. Plain and simple.
 
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StatGamer is offline StatGamer Post #7  November 27,2008, 4:55pm
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If either of my kids had acted like that, they'd have been grounded for a while. BUT, I also would not force a child to hang out with a friend of mine they didn't like or were uncomfortable around or force them into a "fun" activity they didn't want. (not saying the daughter doesn't like you but clearly, she didn't want to go).


I also do not bring a lot of people around my kids though and I spent lots of time with them so they don't constantly need my reassurance and attention as it seems that little girl was wanting. I mean, something is off, that doesn't sound like good behavior to me.


I will caveat by saying I was blessed with happy flexible kids and even the teenager has been a joy, and I am also Indian so I raise my kids fairly strictly with respect to how we treat guests.


Still, I must admit I would have to think twice about dating someone whose kid acted like that. As another poster said, it's going to be like that for a while. So "either accept it or move on" may be your only choices.
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #8  November 27,2008, 10:05pm
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all good advice above. i do not tolerate that behavior in my children (g17/g15/b13). and if i dated a woman with a child and that child acted as you describe constantly , i'd end the relationship.


but what i want to know is, is this normal behaviour for this child? if it was just a bad day, i'd let it slide. but from the tone of your post, it sounds like an on-going problem. if you want to stay around- hold your tongue and DO NOT get between the two of them. but it is telling that this still bothers you FOUR MONTHS AFTER the event.
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #9  November 28,2008, 3:51am
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StatGamer - ""I will caveat by saying I was blessed with happy flexible kids and even the teenager has been a joy, and I am also Indian so I raise my kids fairly strictly with respect to how we treat guests.""


I'm not Indian, but have also raised my children fairly strict in terms of what's appropriate/inappropriate behavior. My children are also happy, flexible, social and very well adjusted. *Respect*is something that is taught through words and example daily. And they do know they havetheir own voice, andhave learned appropriate ways to use it. I can't even imagine one of my children behaving in the manner described above, to be honest. Nothing has remotely come close.


It's in the parenting. My .02c
 
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wildman is offline wildman Post #10  November 28,2008, 5:57am
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Having raised a couple of girls I know that girls of that age can have low self esteem and can be socially shy, especially if they are uncomfortable with their looks. Maybe they have had their faces break out or have a bad hair day, blah blah. I'm sure going to another town to a big shindig where she didn't know anyone there could be challenging. Then factor in her worries about what the boys would think of her or the other girls whose turf she had invaded. Add the factor of being actually seen with her family and you may have a child who would rather stay home that face the stress of the situation- whether it is just perceived or real. Sometimes it is just better to leave them at home ( depending on age - 15 yr old should have been fine ) then create all the stress and maybe ruin it for the rest of the family while trying to cope with her mood. In my opinion, grounding or otherwise punishing a child for being afraid or overly shy only creates resentment and bitterness because you are not trying to understand them or be sympathetic to their feelings or terrors.
 
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