My my my, how our standards change when we're online


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saulgoode is offline saulgoode Post #1  November 25,2008, 11:07am
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You know, I'm not into guys or anything, but yesterday I was talking with this guy at work, and thinking that he's probably a good guy, I bet he has a cute-arse wife, and he's friendly and approachable. You could tell he works out, makes good money, responsible, smart, witty...


"But," methinks to meself, "he'd get clipped out and dropped on the editing-room floor for purt nearninety percent of the women online."


Because he's a smoker, stepped outside to "burn one down," he said.


Because he's not a professional. I bet he earns +$80k, but doesn't have what most folks consider a professional job.


Anyway, it got me to thinking about the women I date in real life v. the ones I meet online. It got me to pondering my own online resume.


I dated a woman who was a high school dropout with horrid grammar. I wouldnever have met her online.


I dated a woman who was a smoker. A few, actually.I would never havemet them online.


I've dated several women who were taller than me. Iwould never havemet them online.


I married and made a beautiful son with a (beautiful)woman who would've described her body type as, "A few extra pounds." I would never have met her online.


I'm short, punching out a robust 5'7" on my toes.None of these women would've met me online.


What the hell, eh. I see some online success stories, but they're just the opposite:matches online are between people who never would've met in real life!


For instance, my ex is living with a guy who is well below her league. He makes about 1/3 her money, has no degree (she's a CPA), and is far less attractive and mature than her --but he's tall and loves her college team. She met him online.


I could go on, but you get the picture.


Just seems that we have far different standards online and in real life.


It got me to thinking, "My my my, how our standards change when we're online."


- Saul
 
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curious_girl is offline curious_girl Post #2  November 25,2008, 11:24am
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Saul; you are a cutie, you are intelligent and thoughtful; and you will meet the right woman; wether in real life or on eH I don't know. You do raise a valid point though; I've noticed it myself. Maybe we are trying to find our ideal; and we don't think anyone outside of our ideal is worth investing in eH for? Or the energy in getting to know them or meet them in person?
 
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Lindac7 is offline Lindac7 Post #3  November 25,2008, 11:35am
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I don't know, Saul, I think you have a valid general point, but I know lots of people who have 'settled' for some of these less than stellar attributes you've listed with someone they met online. I've also met a number of men online who didn't fit the ridiculously high standards you touch on here.


You sound almost like you're becoming so jaded by the process that you're thinking of quitting. I hope you don't. That would be a travesty, because I see you as having a lot to offer the right woman.


I believe all of us need to be more open to possibilities with people who may not be 'exactly' what we think we want. The true test of a good relationship is the quality of the emotional bond, not the outward appearances and things that so many people focus on instead.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  November 25,2008, 11:38am
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I don't know if you are correct or not, but it does not work that way for me.


I would not meet/date a smoker online or offline.


At my robust 5'4" I consider you to be tall. 5'6" girls will go out with you but would shoot me down online or offline.


I could go on, but you get the picture.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #5  November 25,2008, 11:42am
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I would not date a smoker I met out in the real world or on-line. That one has so many issues around it that make it a deal-breaker for many people (smell, dangers of second hand smoke, watching family and friends who smoked and got cancer/emphysema, and so on).


You are right about the grocery list of wonderful qualities we are looking for on-line. My big issue is with the Must Haves/Can't Stands here. There are things that I see on that list and naturally check off as, yes he must be this, and I would never choose to date someone with this horrible character flaw (do we really only get to pick 10 Can't Stands?), yet it might be something I would be willing to overlook if I met someone in person. In fact, I found it hard to pick 10 Must Haves, because I consider a lot of the qualities there moreof a wish-list than a necessity, yet that is maybe a necessary evil of setting up a computer algorithm for matching and guided communication.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #6  November 25,2008, 11:46am
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Saul makes good points. People's standards definitely go up online. I think that we really trust eH and some of these other dating sites that their methods will find us the person we truly want. Often, when we meet people conventionally, we sometimes settle for less than what we want. Online dating services make promises to find us what we really want. I don't think they're largely successful, but they have the right idea. Many of the qualities they discuss are definitely qualities that we should be looking for.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #7  November 25,2008, 11:52am
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tbesq,358632 wrote :

Saul makes good points. People's standards definitely go up online. I think that we really trust eH and some of these other dating sites that their methods will find us the person we truly want. Often, when we meet people conventionally, we sometimes settle for less than what we want. Online dating services make promises to find us what we really want. I don't think they're largely successful, but they have the right idea. Many of the qualities they discuss are definitely qualities that we should be looking for.
That's very insightful. I think you are right that the "promise" that we will find someonethat has all the right boxes ticked off (as marketedby this type ofservice) might encourage us to narrow our search a little more that we might be otherwise inclined to do.
 
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PY is offline PY Post #8  November 25,2008, 11:52am

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saulgoode, wrote :

You know, I'm not into guys or anything, but yesterday I was talking with this guy at work, and thinking that he's probably a good guy, I bet he has a cute-arse wife, and he's friendly and approachable. You could tell he works out, makes good money, responsible, smart, witty...


"But," methinks to meself, "he'd get clipped out and dropped on the editing-room floor for purt nearninety percent of the women online."


Because he's a smoker, stepped outside to "burn one down," he said.


Because he's not a professional. I bet he earns +$80k, but doesn't have what most folks consider a professional job.


Anyway, it got me to thinking about the women I date in real life v. the ones I meet online. It got me to pondering my own online resume.


I dated a woman who was a high school dropout with horrid grammar. I wouldnever have met her online.


I dated a woman who was a smoker. A few, actually.I would never havemet them online.


I've dated several women who were taller than me. Iwould never havemet them online.


I married and made a beautiful son with a (beautiful)woman who would've described her body type as, "A few extra pounds." I would never have met her online.


I'm short, punching out a robust 5'7" on my toes.None of these women would've met me online.


What the hell, eh. I see some online success stories, but they're just the opposite:matches online are between people who never would've met in real life!


For instance, my ex is living with a guy who is well below her league. He makes about 1/3 her money, has no degree (she's a CPA), and is far less attractive and mature than her --but he's tall and loves her college team. She met him online.


I could go on, but you get the picture.


Just seems that we have far different standards online and in real life.


It got me to thinking, "My my my, how our standards change when we're online."


- Saul
Goode one, Saul (ok that was cheesy).


I think a lot of people assume that paying $24.99 (or whatever EH charges) per month will immediately have some miracles in finding that perfect someone. Sure, you meet the height, looks, profile criteria, but you answered 'wrong' on the 2nd set of questions...so there's that 'better one is around the corner' mentality. Some women would say 'ok, he's alright, why not...go out and see where it goes', some will say 'no he doesn't make me warm and fuzzy and all other feelings inside' i'm not gonna even try.


If we're already this picky...I cannot imagine those people who joined another dating service (just lunch I think is the name)...paying a whole lot higher than we're paying now...their standard must've been astronomically high, like they would not even consider talking to you if you sneezed the wrong way.
 
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pinz is offline pinz Post #9  November 25,2008, 11:53am
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The simple truth is - everyone farts. That's REAL LIFE.


Follow your HEART, not your HEAD ....
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #10  November 25,2008, 12:05pm

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tbesq,358632 wrote :

Saul makes good points. People's standards definitely go up online. I think that we really trust eH and some of these other dating sites that their methods will find us the person we truly want. Often, when we meet people conventionally, we sometimes settle for less than what we want. Online dating services make promises to find us what we really want. I don't think they're largely successful, but they have the right idea. Many of the qualities they discuss are definitely qualities that we should be looking for.
I think Saul really brought up an interesting topic and very true. I would not call it settling or even refer to it as having different standards.


Look - out in the real world, someone catches our eye because of some unquantifiable reason. We notice someone and find them interesting and attractive enough to go out with so we get to know the person better.


But in the online world, we do not get that chance to have the subsurface reaction to somone so instead we have this list of criteria that we would like to see in someone. But like Saul says, we could be closing our chances of meeting someone that we would have been interested in in real life....because of some list that we have come up with.


I do not know the solution except talking and meeting everyone you meet online...but that does not seem really feasible or even pleasant.


But definitely, a very interesting and very accurate post by Saul!
 
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