What should I do? Getting major mixxed signals.


Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
jn1983 is offline jn1983 Post #1  November 10,2008, 2:50pm
jn1983's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Sep 2008

Posts: 28

See profile



Quick background:


Me: 25, live on my own, good job, no kids.


Her: 24, lives at home, 1kid.


I started dating this woman about a month ago. The first 2 1/2 weeks went great. We'd see each other a couple times a week, have fun, laugh etc...then she started cancelling plans at the last minute.


In the last week and a half I've seen her once. Every time plans were made, about an hour or so beforehand i'd get a text (not call) saying either the kid won't go to bed (i've already met the kid), she wasn't feeling well, tired or just busy.


Now, common sense tells me to end this relationship because whenever we'vespent time together,I've had to go to her house or meet her out. She's been to my place ONCE and that was for an hour before we went to a movie. I asked why and she said she wasn't comfortable. Ok, if I had tried ANYTHING beyond a hug or kiss I could understand this.


I've spent time at length with her, her and her kid and her and her family already. She's made a comment here and there that she is interested in me and not dating anyone else, but her actions show entirely the opposite. How is it okay for me to spend a day with her, the kid and parents, yet it's not okay to sit on my couch and cuddle up with a movie? I've been a complete gentlemen the entire time (Hands stay in appropriate places, no excessive contact, no pressure for anything, etc).


I understand she's dated a lot of jerks, but it's getting annoying (and insulting) at this point being compared to every guy she dated before me at every turn and hearing "I'm not comfortable" with nearly every activity outside of the safety of her parents' watchful eye.


I think I'd bewasting my time continuing this any further. Am I reading into this too much, or just flat out wrong?
 
  Reply With Quote
Glider_Pilot is offline Glider_Pilot Post #2  November 10,2008, 3:10pm
Glider_Pilot's Avatar

Out there. Somewhere.

Veteran

Joined: May 2008

Orange County, CA

Posts: 2,409

See profile

jn1983, wrote :

... I understand she's dated a lot of jerks, but it's getting annoying (and insulting) at this point being compared to every guy she dated before me at every turn and hearing "I'm not comfortable" with nearly every activity outside of the safety of her parents' watchful eye.


I think I'd bewasting my time continuing this any further. Am I reading into this too much, or just flat out wrong?
Let's bottom-line this, okay?


Are you getting what you want out of this budding relationship?


Based solely upon this post, it looks like you're twisting yourself into pretzel shapes to make sure this woman feels comfortable, and what it's getting you is that she's moving farther away from you. Is that what you want?


If the answer is "no" (and to my mind, it should be), it's time to move on. She's holding you at a long arm's length - she'll go out with you, but she doesn't want to start getting close. Dating a lot of jerks is a terrible thing for her to have to go through, but ultimately, it was her choice to date them in the first place, and you shouldn't have to pay for what some other guy did. Or it could simply be that she's interested in going out with guys (meaning you), but not interested in anything 'romantic', and she's conveniently (for her) neglected to mention that little fact to you.


Find a woman that is willing to meet you at least half-way. This one isn't, and since she's already headed out of your life of her own accord, it should be an easy matter to cut your losses and move on.


BTW - In future, don't go too far in "never tried anything, I've been a perfect gentleman every time". While you should always respect a woman's wishes (take "no" for an answer), they expect you to lead in the matter of 'getting physical' as with other aspects of dating. If you've literally tried nothing, including giving her a kiss, the girl will eventually come to the conclusion that you're not interested in her romantically. You can't buy affection by being a "perfect gentleman" to the point of not showing your interest. It's not up to her to make the first move. It's up to you. That doesn't apply with this girl you're dating now, because she's explicitly excluded seeing you in any situation where you'd have had an opportunity to even kiss her, from the sound of things.
 
  Reply With Quote
Molarmechanic is offline Molarmechanic Post #3  November 10,2008, 3:59pm
Molarmechanic's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Nov 2008

Vancouver

Posts: 23

See profile



I have to agree with the previous poster. She probably just like getting the attention from somebody and leaving the house occasionally, but when it appears that she has little interest in moving this relationship further. Perhaps she's afraid of you turning into a jerk that she dated before, but that's no excuse to not do anything outside her parents' supervision. I'd say cut this woman loose and move on.
 
  Reply With Quote
siren is offline siren Post #4  November 10,2008, 5:00pm
siren's Avatar

This wheel's on fire, rolling down the road

Enthusiast

Joined: Mar 2008

northern CA

Posts: 877

See profile



Hi, Have to be the dissenter. Generally sensible women will not enter a man's house if they are not ready for intimacy. Cuddling on the couch can get hot pretty fast, and guys can't turn down the heat as well as women. This lady has a kid, so she's aware of the power of men's sex drives. which I am all for but when I'm ready. Being in a guy's space says to most guys, she wants me. And from a legal perspective, if the cuddling on the couch got out of control, and she got date raped, no DA in any county would prosecute. I speak from professional experience. they don't take cases they can't win. So I think she's just being cautious and really likes you. what is wrong with taking it a little slower. Just 100 yrs ago, women couldn't see men w/o chaperones cause of just this problem. The sexes are different, in terms of when they see sex as appropriate. You may be a gentleman, but not everyone is, and her common sense is trying to protect her from the guys that aren't.Best of luck, Siren
 
  Reply With Quote
Glider_Pilot is offline Glider_Pilot Post #5  November 10,2008, 5:07pm
Glider_Pilot's Avatar

Out there. Somewhere.

Veteran

Joined: May 2008

Orange County, CA

Posts: 2,409

See profile

siren,335254 wrote :

Hi, Have to be the dissenter. Generally sensible women will not enter a man's house if they are not ready for intimacy. Cuddling on the couch can get hot pretty fast, and guys can't turn down the heat as well as women. This lady has a kid, so she's aware of the power of men's sex drives. which I am all for but when I'm ready. Being in a guy's space says to most guys, she wants me. And from a legal perspective, if the cuddling on the couch got out of control, and she got date raped, no DA in any county would prosecute. I speak from professional experience. they don't take cases they can't win. So I think she's just being cautious and really likes you. what is wrong with taking it a little slower. Just 100 yrs ago, women couldn't see men w/o chaperones cause of just this problem. The sexes are different, in terms of when they see sex as appropriate. You may be a gentleman, but not everyone is, and her common sense is trying to protect her from the guys that aren't.Best of luck, Siren
I'd agree with you but for the fact that she's hardly talking to the guy any more (big change in contact frequency) and he's (by his own account) been the exact opposite of someone who would 'put moves' on her. If anything, I'd suggest that the guy has been too much of a gentleman, except that she's made sure that there's no opportunity for him to even give her a kiss, from the sound of things.


If she was just saying, "Hey, I'm not comfortable going over to your place yet", I'd be in total agreement of what you've said. But the fact is, she's only seeing the guy when they've got a chaparone, and now she's not talking with him nearly as much as she was before.


She doesn't want to get closer, and in fact she's moving away.
 
  Reply With Quote
Glider_Pilot is offline Glider_Pilot Post #6  November 10,2008, 5:09pm
Glider_Pilot's Avatar

Out there. Somewhere.

Veteran

Joined: May 2008

Orange County, CA

Posts: 2,409

See profile

siren,335254 wrote :

Hi, Have to be the dissenter. Generally sensible women will not enter a man's house if they are not ready for intimacy. Cuddling on the couch can get hot pretty fast, and guys can't turn down the heat as well as women. This lady has a kid, so she's aware of the power of men's sex drives. which I am all for but when I'm ready. Being in a guy's space says to most guys, she wants me. And from a legal perspective, if the cuddling on the couch got out of control, and she got date raped, no DA in any county would prosecute. I speak from professional experience. they don't take cases they can't win. So I think she's just being cautious and really likes you. what is wrong with taking it a little slower. Just 100 yrs ago, women couldn't see men w/o chaperones cause of just this problem. The sexes are different, in terms of when they see sex as appropriate. You may be a gentleman, but not everyone is, and her common sense is trying to protect her from the guys that aren't.Best of luck, Siren
I'd agree with you but for the fact that she's hardly talking to the guy any more (big change in contact frequency) and he's (by his own account) been the exact opposite of someone who would 'put moves' on her. If anything, I'd suggest that the guy has been too much of a gentleman, except that she's made sure that there's no opportunity for him to even give her a kiss, from the sound of things.


If she was just saying, "Hey, I'm not comfortable going over to your place yet", I'd be in total agreement of what you've said. But the fact is, she's only seeing the guy when they've got a chaparone, and now she's not talking with him nearly as much as she was before.


She doesn't want to get closer, and in fact she's moving away.
 
  Reply With Quote
treatmesweetly is offline treatmesweetly Post #7  November 10,2008, 6:32pm
treatmesweetl…'s Avatar

Veteran

Joined: May 2008

Farmington Hills, MI

Posts: 1,052

See profile



Sorry OP, I actually agree with both Siren and Glider_Pilot...


I live alone, and a year ago Iinviteda maninto my home and made it very plainly clear that there would be no sex of any kind. He said, "Of course not." We started watching the movie and he put his arm around me and pulled me closer. A few minutes laterhe gave me a little kiss. A few minutes after that I was pushing him off me, reminding him that there would be no sex of any kind. He looked at me surprised and said, "But you invited me in?"... WTF?Aremenlike vampires; once you invite them in, you're powerless to stop them?! Jeeshh!


Yes, I know, that guy was a cretin. It doesn't mean that you are. You just want some alone-time where you both can talk and get to the comfort level she needs for more physical intimacy. I think the problem is that she doesn't appear to want physical intimacy with you. She enjoys the companionship of a man; she enjoys your company. Women can do that without sex. You have to ask yourself (and most likely her) two questions: 1) Will she ever want any level of physical intimacy with you? 2) If not, are you okay with being just friends??


Good luck!
 
  Reply With Quote
Songryder is offline Songryder Post #8  November 10,2008, 7:26pm
Songryder's Avatar

A smile is worth singing for!

Virtuoso

Joined: Jun 2008

California

Posts: 2,501

See profile

jn1983, wrote :

Quick background:


Me: 25, live on my own, good job, no kids.


Her: 24, lives at home, 1kid.


I started dating this woman about a month ago. The first 2 1/2 weeks went great. We'd see each other a couple times a week, have fun, laugh etc...then she started cancelling plans at the last minute.


In the last week and a half I've seen her once. Every time plans were made, about an hour or so beforehand i'd get a text (not call) saying either the kid won't go to bed (i've already met the kid), she wasn't feeling well, tired or just busy.


Now, common sense tells me to end this relationship because whenever we'vespent time together,I've had to go to her house or meet her out. She's been to my place ONCE and that was for an hour before we went to a movie. I asked why and she said she wasn't comfortable. Ok, if I had tried ANYTHING beyond a hug or kiss I could understand this.


I've spent time at length with her, her and her kid and her and her family already. She's made a comment here and there that she is interested in me and not dating anyone else, but her actions show entirely the opposite. How is it okay for me to spend a day with her, the kid and parents, yet it's not okay to sit on my couch and cuddle up with a movie? I've been a complete gentlemen the entire time (Hands stay in appropriate places, no excessive contact, no pressure for anything, etc).


I understand she's dated a lot of jerks, but it's getting annoying (and insulting) at this point being compared to every guy she dated before me at every turn and hearing "I'm not comfortable" with nearly every activity outside of the safety of her parents' watchful eye.


I think I'd bewasting my time continuing this any further. Am I reading into this too much, or just flat out wrong?
She's not ready. . . it's just that simple. I believe her when she says she's tired or her kid is in need of attention. It's parenting and kids take first position. . . and she's a single parent. . . it's damned hard, even if she's living with her parents, so I'd cut her a little slack on that end but if she's still complaining about all the other guys who have messed with her head, then she's not emotionally ready to trust any man, even if he's a good guy.


She's scared and unsure and still angry. You can sit her down and lay your cards on the table about this and tell her it's insulting to be compared to idiots, but she seriously needs some time on her own to calm down and find herself again. She can't be there for you and her child and her job and everything else if she's living with anger and resentment.


These aren't mixed messages. These are very clear communications that she's just not ready for a LTR much less dating.
 
  Reply With Quote
jn1983 is offline jn1983 Post #9  November 10,2008, 7:28pm
jn1983's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Sep 2008

Posts: 28

See profile



Ok, first off... why does everyone seem to focus on sex? It's starting to get annoying. Even the women I know in person zone in on sex...the guys I know ask the other questions (Like Glider Pilot).


Physically, here's what's happened. We've kissed a couple times (never in front of her parents), usually when we went downstairs to watch a movie. We have cuddled. But, I've been a gentlemen at every turn. My hands stay in appropriate places. Her parents could walk in at any random time (and they have) and we'd have nothing to worry about. When we're in the presence of her parents, we make almost no physical contact.


As far as cuddling on the couch getting hot fast... I've shown repeatedly that when I say "Let's " i mean it quite literally. Every time I suggested cuddling on the couch...it was my arm around her shoulder...that's it. Even the one time she has been at my place, I behaved myself completely.


As it sits now, we talk and text, but when it comes to spending time together...it seems to be nearly impossible to keep a date with her. This isn't 100 years ago, and I've never given her any reason to suspect I would take advantage of her, disrespect her or do anything to impose my will upon her.
 
  Reply With Quote
astar32 is offline astar32 Post #10  November 10,2008, 8:09pm
astar32's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Nov 2008

Posts: 1

See profile



Really, it's only been a few weeks, I don't think you should be so intent on figuring it out right away. She may feel that things were starting to move too fast, and wants to slow things down a bit. Not everyone is very good at expressing what they feel, so she may just be giving you signals that, although they seem mixed, are supposed to keep you interested, but not have the relationship go too fast. ANd I don't mean sex here. I mean relationship.


She is a single mom afterall. That is tough, especially when you live with your parents. She really should be confident that she wants to be with you before she gets too involved. It's not just her either, she has a kid as well. I don't know how old he/she is, but as a parent you don't want your child to get too attached to someone and not have it work out. So it is advisable for her (and you) to take it slow.


If it ends up being a good relationship, you'll be glad you didn't rush anything. If it doesn't end up working out, you'll be glad you didn't jump in to a serious relationship where you get an instant family. So take your time! It's only been a short time afterall!


This is just my two cents.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3


« Girls why would you do this? | Dating | Rememberance Day »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“ ...90%????? I'd say it's more like 60 to 70 percent of women who say they offer to pay on the first and subsequent dates, and/or have no problem with going dutch. I'm in the pool of women who ... ” –  legend29

Join the “who pays?” discussion

“I think you were there when he was hurting, and she was there when he wanted fun. He chose fun as a long term partner. That's understandable. The posters who've said you might be a reminder of the ... ” –  lynntlb78

Join the “Reuniting with EX” discussion

“ I know exactly where you are coming from. I went in thinking "man, it is just an email. Fire off a response, yeah or nay. What is the big deal?" but the truth is a little more complicated. Plus, I ... ” –  Freezepop

Join the “Guided Communication VS Email” discussion

“ I believe you and I got confused for a second. I didn't hit the Police officer. I hit the lady in front of me and then someone reported the accident and he came to check it out. That's how I met ... ” –  LadyVee

Join the “Confusing Man (LONG STORY)” discussion

“My bf just gave me advice about an adult child. I was in shock. He's never done that before. I didn't think he cared at all. The advice was really good too. It was supportive and I could see ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Off -Topic” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 5:12pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0