satori_123 is offline satori_123 Post #1  March 4,2008, 5:27pm
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Okay, it's time to talk about a subject that even Dr. Phil couldn't solve in his dating book.What can a highly intelligent women do in order to get a second date? Here's the scenario: I'm female in my 40s, and dating again after my divorce. I am not trying to brag; I'm letting you know the following to explain my situation. My undergraduate degree in engineering is from one of the 10 most selective universities in the US. I had a very successful career in the tech industry for 20 years; at one point I managed a staff of up to 75 men. I decided to change careers, and am currently working on my doctorate in neuropsychology (studying the relationship between brain and behavior). It's embarrassing to admit this, but to put my situation in perspective, I dated a brain surgeon for a while, and one evening he said, "You're the first person I've ever met who was even smarter than I am." (I broke that relationship off when the ex-girlfriend who broke his heart two years earlier asked to re-enter his life, and he couldn't make up his mind, which told me he wasn't truly over her.)I've also traveled a LOT; it's a big requirement for my match to like to travel. By a lot, I mean I've spent a month in India, two weeks in Morocco, three weeks in Indonesia, etc. For example, I've had to had an extention put on my passport. I've been able to take care of myself financially for years. To top it off (no joke), I do things like teach adult Sunday School at my place of worship and do volunteer work at a domestic violence center. I love my life, and want to share it with someone.There are a lot of ways in which I would be consiered a catch if I was a male...but I'm not male So here's the question: when do I let a man who I really am, and how come so men can't deal with it when they find out? Many men seem to be intimidated when they find out about either the tech career or the doctorate, and to a lot of people, travel somewhere outside the US can also seem like I'm one-upping them (a belief that I think is untrue; my parents are also die-hard travelers and I grew up with it). I asked a number of my male friends why I was having problems, and their repeated response was, "You're the most competant women I know, and if I was a single man, I don't know where I'd fit in your life."I don't know if it's better to let a man know about my background up front, or to dribble it out over time. The latter is sort of like watching a tire deflate; over a few dates, any spark from the first date gets shut down. The former has garnered a lot of "Other" as the reason for shutting down a match on eHarmony, so I removed a lot of info about the "other things I want you to know" section to at least get to the open communication stage.I am not comfortable "acting dumb” the long run, because to me that would be misrepresenting myself, and I’d probably be pretty unhappy as well. At the same time, I don't like to brag about my accomplishments, but I can't hide them forever. Typically when someone asks why I am changing careers, I do mention being in the tech sector, which seems to start the cascade of problems. I don't want to be a "sugar mama" any more than most men want to be a "sugar daddy." I want to be in an equal partnership emotionally. So how do I find someone who is comfortable with my intellectual history?I'd really appreciate hearing thoughts from the gentlemen on this matter.Thanks!
 
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MarkInAustin is offline MarkInAustin Post #2  March 5,2008, 4:45pm
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If we got matched, I would go out with you in a second. I too am a 40 something engineer with a Ph.D. who travels a lot (I just got back from a 3 week trip SCUBA diving in Thailand). To answer your question, I think there aren’t enough of us around to find each other. You don’t happen to live in Austin, do you?
 
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Tigster is offline Tigster Post #3  March 5,2008, 6:35pm
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I think the second date depends on how you share your accomplishments with your date. Example: I have dated a couple woman who bothhave more education than I do.#1 used the words "highly educated" "I'm not trying to brag". #2 just simply told me about her education background and how she loved what she was doing and it was her job and nothing more. I wasn't intimidated by either one, but #1 didn't score any points with mebecause of the way she expressed herself. I told her I didn't think she was "highly educated", she just liked reading more than I do. (that might be why we didn't have a second date)

About the traveling, youassume they think you are one-upping them (did any dates every use that term?). Maybe they just can't leave for a month at a time like you can and they are unsure if you would settle for them going for a week or two and meeting back up when you returned. I know I would go for as long as I could and leave my camera with you when I left. When you returned you could share your experiences during the time I wasn't with you.

You also mentioned you are "not comfortable acting dumb" and don't want to "be a sugar momma". Arethese things your dates bring up or is it your conclusion after analyzing someone who didn't mentionthose things?

I think if you share more about your accomplishments in the beginning instead of how important an "equal partnership emotionally" means to you, they might be a little uncomfortable.

My opinion: tell me you have a degree and you are working on your doctorate, leave out the words "highly educated" I would almost think you assumed I was dumb if you felt the need to explain having a degree and getting a doctorate was "highly educated". If the topic comes up on a second date sharewhich one of the 10 mostselective universities you attended.Start by just mentioning the name of the university instead of "10 mostselective universities". Maybe they already know what 10 are most selective.

I don't know what you have in your profile so, I can only give my opinion about the way I think you might come across to men with what you posted here.

Good luck in your search :-)
 
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Red Sox Girl is offline Red Sox Girl Post #4  March 5,2008, 7:09pm

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Satori, I will be honest and say that my level of education is pretty much the same as yours. I have an undergraduate degree, a postgraduate degree and a professional degree, as well as an additional postgraduate board-specialty qualification. I will also be honest and say that although I absolutely want a partner who intellectually stimulates me, I don't go out to meet guys worrying about my own education level, nor about telling them what I have done with my life, education-wise. I just spend my time getting to know them & hope that they will intellectually challenge me as well as making me laugh (I actually value the latter as much as the former!).

I tend to end up dating professionals of some kind and nobody yet has ever seemingly lost interest in me due to my educational background. Naturally if they don't intellectually stimulate me then nothing is likely to develop, but I can pretty much tell that quite quickly. If education questions come up during dates, I usually address them by telling the truth - that they are just qualifications that help me do the job that I love. I don't live for my work, so don't expect anyone to be impressed by what I've done. Maybe you're worrying too much about broaching the subject and that may subconsciously affecting how you end up interacting with your dates? Just let your nice personality shine through and try not to glorify your education. And I agree, there's no requirement to dumb yourself down whatsoever! Good luck!
 
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dd12 is offline dd12 Post #5  March 5,2008, 11:00pm
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You should definitely be proud of your accomplishments and being one of the truly "independent women" in this world... a small but growing group of the elite. No doubt, this is a strength of yours.

However, for whatever reason, you have come across as overly focused on what you've done in your e-mail; it gives the impression that you might be somewhat arrogant or you might be trying to compensate for something lacking: poor self-esteem.

If you believe perception is everything, then a great way to avoid these labels would be to go over your accomplishments over time, and to save some mystery for him to find. Having a peace in who you are, with or without any of your above mentioned experiences, will shine through without saying a word. You really are a great person with or without any of that...

-D
 
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Matt77 is offline Matt77 Post #6  March 6,2008, 7:47am
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If you find the right person, he will respect and embrace your achievements. Anyone who is put off or intimidated is simply not right for you. I have an undergraduate degree, a couple of masters degrees. I am looking at starting my PhD this year, mainly because so many of the people I work with have them (I am a criminologist). The majority of people where I work are female.

I find working with these well educated, intelligent and often very widely travelled women stimulating and enjoyable. There are certainly some of the women I would happily date if the circumstances were right.

The point of this is that it is a matter of finding the right person, who has certain qualities that you need if you are going to find happiness together. Don't give up or try to dumb yourself down as that will simply make you more appealing to men you don't want to be with anyway. By all means be careful not to come across as arrogant or patronising, but don't deny the achievements you have every right to be proud of.
 
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woopsie is offline woopsie Post #7  March 6,2008, 9:03am
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I'm with you. Here's what I must admit, whetherI like it or not. In addition to my educational and professional accomplishements, I also like tomaintain control over myself in relation to others. Those who love me and whom I love back will tell me that it is difficult to enter the most intimate realms of who I am.Dates sense this too, and only very few of them are persistent enough to challenge me on that exact point. Only men who can see past my self-protective manners will push me outside my comfort zone. And it is only outside that zone that love can happen.
 
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MW77009 is offline MW77009 Post #8  March 6,2008, 9:05am
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I have a doctorate and am fairly worldly and world wise. I just lay it all out there up front. I think its important to allow your dates/matches to see who you are. As MarkinAustin points out, there are not a great many of us around. For me it is not necessarily yrs of education, the number of frequent flyer miles logged or the number of publications/grants, glories, lauds and honours as much as it is the degree of intellectual curiosity, quickness and desire to reach out beyond the friendly confines (by this I mean more than location). I have dated a lot over the past two years and found that an advanced degree does not necessarily guarantee this as I have sat across the table from matches with advanced degrees whom I could run circles around.
 
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BSchorr is offline BSchorr Post #9  March 6,2008, 9:24am
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Red Sox Girl,67151 wrote :

Satori, I will be honest and say that my level of education is pretty much the same as yours. I have an undergraduate degree, a postgraduate degree and a professional degree, as well as an additional postgraduate board-specialty qualification. I will also be honest and say that although I absolutely want a partner who intellectually stimulates me, I don't go out to meet guys worrying about my own education level, nor about telling them what I have done with my life, education-wise. I just spend my time getting to know them & hope that they will intellectually challenge me as well as making me laugh (I actually value the latter as much as the former!).

I tend to end up dating professionals of some kind and nobody yet has ever seemingly lost interest in me due to my educational background. Naturally if they don't intellectually stimulate me then nothing is likely to develop, but I can pretty much tell that quite quickly. If education questions come up during dates, I usually address them by telling the truth - that they are just qualifications that help me do the job that I love. I don't live for my work, so don't expect anyone to be impressed by what I've done. Maybe you're worrying too much about broaching the subject and that may subconsciously affecting how you end up interacting with your dates? Just let your nice personality shine through and try not to glorify your education. And I agree, there's no requirement to dumb yourself down whatsoever! Good luck!
I agree completely with what Red Sox Girl has written. I'd say relax and be yourself. The right guy won't be intimidated by you.

-B-
 
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zena is offline zena Post #10  March 6,2008, 9:34am
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woopsie,67267 wrote :
I'm with you. Here's what I must admit, whetherI like it or not. In addition to my educational and professional accomplishements, I also like tomaintain control over myself in relation to others. Those who love me and whom I love back will tell me that it is difficult to enter the most intimate realms of who I am.Dates sense this too, and only very few of them are persistent enough to challenge me on that exact point. Only men who can see past my self-protective manners will push me outside my comfort zone. And it is only outside that zone that love can happen.
Yep. That probably applies to me as well. I have a degree from Harvard Law and have succeeded in several careers. I am most comfortable working long hours and building up achievements. I believe there are men that are not intimidated by my profile but by my sometimes distant attitude. Which is due to shyness. Ye gods.
 
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