Should You Date a Former Cheater?

Should You Date a Former Cheater?

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Should You Date a Former Cheater?


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teacherlady is offline teacherlady Post #21  October 5,2008, 4:46pm
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I think anyone can stop cheating--but most people don't.
 
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luvablefrog is offline luvablefrog Post #22  October 5,2008, 5:28pm
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HarleyGrrl,283735 wrote :

abnoba,283723 wrote :


noseyparker,283707 wrote :


abnoba,283667 wrote :


Ciao_eh,283626 wrote :


what does divorce have to do with cheating? What does the duration of the marriage have to do with cheating? I am confused as to what the linkage is here...


The way I see it there is no difference at all between a divorcee and a cheater. They both screwed up and both can change and both should be forgiven and given another chance.


Not all divorced persons are the cause of their divorce. They do not all require forgiveness.


Not all cheaters are the cause of their cheating, either. The conditions, causes, etc. that lead to either cheating or divorce are specific to that relationship and have no bearing, in my estimation, on the next relationship.


Wow...I've heard it all now.





Not all cheaters are the cause of their cheating? OK. So here's where we don't hold someone responsible for their actions. We point the finger at everyone else. Got it.





That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. No one, or nothing MAKES someone cheat. It's a choice. A choice they make and have to live with. It's selfish and it's a cowardly act. They hurt others with their CHOICE to cheat...spouse, kids, families, etc.





I was married to a cheater, and I knew before I said "I do" that he cheated on his first wife. But I so wanted to think I'd be different...just like he said I was. Cheaters do tend to lie at times, you see, to get what they want.





He cheated on me once, I forgave him and kept trucking on. The second time he cheated on me, I figured it was my self-respect or my marriage. I chose my self-respect.





It is an insult to anyone who has lived with infidelity, for you to say not all cheaters are the causeof their cheating. A cheater knows the difference between right and wrong, and they choose to do wrong, regardless of who or what they destroy while they cheat.. They are highly lacking in integrity, character, and morals.





However, if you'd like to marry one and get him off the market, you go right ahead. The rest of us thank you.
+1!!!!!


I agree that this is the stupidest, most inconsiderate thing I've EVER heard, and I've heard a ton of BS in my lifetime. I know I did nothing to cause my ex to cheat, he was a serial cheater, just as I do not and will not feel that it was in any way my fault that I am a divorcee. I did NOT "quit on the relationship", as one above poster put it. I quit on being emotionally abused and misused. Does that mean I'm "always a divorcee" or ineligible for remarriage or finding Mr. Right? NO!!! To imply otherwise is an indicator of a small mind, and even smaller heart. You can't expcet me to believe you don't have baggage of your own, otherwise, you wouldn't be single and looking on EH like the rest of us, now would you?
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #23  October 5,2008, 6:00pm
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HarleyGrrl,283735 wrote :

abnoba,283723 wrote :


noseyparker,283707 wrote :


abnoba,283667 wrote :


Ciao_eh,283626 wrote :


what does divorce have to do with cheating? What does the duration of the marriage have to do with cheating? I am confused as to what the linkage is here...


The way I see it there is no difference at all between a divorcee and a cheater. They both screwed up and both can change and both should be forgiven and given another chance.


Not all divorced persons are the cause of their divorce. They do not all require forgiveness.


Not all cheaters are the cause of their cheating, either. The conditions, causes, etc. that lead to either cheating or divorce are specific to that relationship and have no bearing, in my estimation, on the next relationship.


Wow...I've heard it all now.

Look at the age of the poster.
 
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zana is offline zana Post #24  October 5,2008, 6:00pm
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Songryder,283773 wrote :

eharmonyadvice, wrote :


They've cheated before -- but will they do it again? Find out what key factors could determine the dating success for this sensitive scenario.


There's no such thing as a "former cheater". It's like an addiction. Some do it to avoid issues in a committed relationship and the excuses range from loneliness to not being understood or they do it for rush of just being on the edge of being caught . . . kind of a "thrill seeker" thing only it hurts other people. Others a driven purely by hormonal impulses they claim they can't control. None of the above hold any kind of water in any well.
I do agree that if someone has cheated on several occasions then it's more likely that they will cheat in the future - past behaviour is often a good indicator of future behaviour.


But, byt the same token, if it was a one-off for whatever reason, that could be a different story and in that case it may be ok to date them, as long as they have taken responsibility for their actions and have learnt from it.


If, though that one-off cheating happened to you, while you were dating them, then it probably would be difficult to forgive for most people (and I include myself here as I would not be able to stop thinking about them being intimate with someone else and betraying my trust in that way)... but some people do forgive and the marriage/relationship is stronger and better for it. But, this scenario is only when the cheater is truly intent on not doing it again...


I have also read that the scenario above can work for people who are serial cheaters, but again, the onus is on them to prove that they will not cheat again and can work through the problems in them that are causing them to cheat. I admire their partners for being able to work through it with them, as I couldnt do that.


But in general, serial cheaters will continue on their merry way unless they decide they need work on their problem (and most dont) - and yes cheating is a problem in any relationship....
 
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope — Advice Member-Moderator Post #25  October 5,2008, 6:22pm
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I believe "once a cheater, always a cheater" because it's an indication of a *character flaw.* I called into a radio talk show one time on this topic, and they aired my comment. My ex-husband cheated with our married receptionist while I was pregnant, and he ended up marrying her. She now runs his office (I have my own office now, of course), and she does all the hiring of new staff. I've seen their receptionists: they're all much older than he is, very heavy, and quite unattractive.

I say that's a nice example of poetic justice.
 
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istillbelieve is offline istillbelieve Post #26  October 5,2008, 7:24pm
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HarleyGrrl,283735 wrote :

abnoba,283723 wrote :


noseyparker,283707 wrote :


abnoba,283667 wrote :


Ciao_eh,283626 wrote :


what does divorce have to do with cheating? What does the duration of the marriage have to do with cheating? I am confused as to what the linkage is here...


The way I see it there is no difference at all between a divorcee and a cheater. They both screwed up and both can change and both should be forgiven and given another chance.


Not all divorced persons are the cause of their divorce. They do not all require forgiveness.


Not all cheaters are the cause of their cheating, either. The conditions, causes, etc. that lead to either cheating or divorce are specific to that relationship and have no bearing, in my estimation, on the next relationship.


Wow...I've heard it all now.





Not all cheaters are the cause of their cheating? OK. So here's where we don't hold someone responsible for their actions. We point the finger at everyone else. Got it.





That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. No one, or nothing MAKES someone cheat. It's a choice. A choice they make and have to live with. It's selfish and it's a cowardly act. They hurt others with their CHOICE to cheat...spouse, kids, families, etc.





I was married to a cheater, and I knew before I said "I do" that he cheated on his first wife. But I so wanted to think I'd be different...just like he said I was. Cheaters do tend to lie at times, you see, to get what they want.





He cheated on me once, I forgave him and kept trucking on. The second time he cheated on me, I figured it was my self-respect or my marriage. I chose my self-respect.





It is an insult to anyone who has lived with infidelity, for you to say not all cheaters are the causeof their cheating. A cheater knows the difference between right and wrong, and they choose to do wrong, regardless of who or what they destroy while they cheat.. They are highly lacking in integrity, character, and morals.





However, if you'd like to marry one and get him off the market, you go right ahead. The rest of us thank you.
so well said Harleygrrl !!! ... sad part is the cheater will never be off of the market.
 
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istillbelieve is offline istillbelieve Post #27  October 5,2008, 7:25pm
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Linda,283691 wrote :

RRoland,283611 wrote :


I believe that once a divorcee always a divorcee. The stats bear this out. Second marriages have a much lower probability of success than the first. The longer someone was married before getting divorced the more suspect they are in my eyes.


I know what you mean by "the longer someone was married..."


I've dated quite a few men who had long marriages before getting divorced. Most of them had stories about how the last 10+ years they slept in separate bedrooms, they didn't have s* x for XX number of years, and on and on......
.....and you believed them ???
 
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marriah is offline marriah Post #28  October 5,2008, 8:16pm
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Okay, now I'm just angry!


To the people that "ass"ume that once divorced will always divorce is bunk. After working on my marriage of 14 years and being told how to be a better wife and me being made to believe that every trouble in the marriage was my fault, I had enough. I don't feel a wife should be expected to be treated like a doggie "do-it-all" then a man wonders why sex is such a chore! I shouldn't be expected to make up for a man's shortcomings, just because he feels inadquate and decides to ignore important things that need to be dealt with and therefore leaves it for the wife to deal with. Then when certain important events happen in life and he decides to pout and treat you badly and not be accountable for his actions is where I draw the line. This is one divorce I do not regret. You can bet that I am much more careful these days in choosing who I spend time with.


As for cheaters, I believe it's their way of avoiding conflict in their marriage-the cowards way out-temporary relief and it's wrong, but I also believe that it is a symptom of what is going on on both sides of the equation. I believe that marriage should be a give/take on both sides and if there is not intimate communication, it's both their faults. If it's only one of them not willing to talk, I believe that'sthe source of theproblem.
 
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writergurl is offline writergurl Post #29  October 5,2008, 9:30pm
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The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran, says something about adultery. It says "do not judge the adultress, until you have looked into the character of her husband." or something like that. I think that's really true. Cheating can be the sign of a weak character, or it can be the sign of a really bad relationship. We can't be so quick to judge people.
 
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noseyparker is offline noseyparker Post #30  October 5,2008, 9:37pm
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LonelyStarState,283579 wrote :


the rational side of me says 'once a cheater, always a cheater' however, the reality of it is that being human, we've all made bad choices before so, i think they deserve at least one chance.


after that, i'm taking her house, her car, the kids, the dog and cat


I assume the cat is a MUST HAVE
 
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