Should You Date a Former Cheater?

Should You Date a Former Cheater?

This discussion is based on an Advice article:
Should You Date a Former Cheater?


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Bizzy Girl is offline Bizzy Girl Post #191  January 1,2009, 12:26pm
Bizzy Girl's Avatar

is fabulous!!!

Quick Study

Joined: Feb 2008

Posts: 59

See profile



A friend and I had this very debate the other day. She was in a relationship that was completely devoid of passion that lasted two years before she finally asked for a divorce, but not before she had an indiscretion with someone who made her feel like a beautiful woman again.


We live in a society where we are expected to marry and have children (because if we choose to stay single and childless we are defective in some way), and often we are pressured to do so before we are truly ready. If we suffer from any kind of self-esteem issues and someone comes along who makes you feel wonderful I can understand how we can find ourselves in the rapturous arms of passion before we even know what is happening.


Personally I think you need to look at the entire situation surrounding the infidelity and go on a case-by-case basis, and not put all cheaters in a box.
 
  Reply With Quote
19years is offline 19years Post #192  January 1,2009, 2:18pm
19years's Avatar

off to play in the mountains

Quick Study

Joined: Dec 2008

Fort Collins, Colorado

Posts: 85

See profile

Bizzy Girl,406973 wrote :

A friend and I had this very debate the other day.* She was in a relationship that was completely devoid of passion that lasted two years before she finally asked for a divorce, but not before she had an indiscretion with someone who made her feel like a beautiful woman again.


We live in a society where we are expected to marry and have children (because if we choose to stay single and childless we are defective in some way), and often we are pressured to do so before we are truly ready.* If we suffer from any kind of self-esteem issues and someone comes along* who makes you feel wonderful I can understand how we can find ourselves in the rapturous arms of passion before we even know what is happening.


Personally I think you need to look at the entire situation surrounding the infidelity and go on a case-by-case basis, and not put all cheaters in a box.
well stated BGirl. ooh that doesn't sound good, sorry. As someone who stayed true to my wife for 8 years when she decided she didn't like sex anymore, I wish I had taken a lady or 2 up on their offers. It really messed with my head. I did have sex with a very nice lady when a girlfriend told me in a heated blowup that "it was over." When we later got back together, I was labeled as a "cheater" and punished in many and varied subtle and not so subtle ways, for years. I guess it depends on your definition of cheating. Just one of the many fascinating differences between the sexes.
 
  Reply With Quote
A_F is offline A_F Post #193  March 13,2009, 10:38am
A_F's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Mar 2009

Posts: 1

See profile



Cheating is unforgivible. But at the sametime because people cheat 4 different reasons, It's hard to say whether or not a relationship like that can continue. Being a cheater is hard to admit, especially if it's (I)being blamed on current relationship. I have chose that route before, under my circumstance I had no excuse, 4 I can't preach against sin's I agreed in the pastto commit. But it hurts so much when you find someone you truly want to be with (& have not cheated on her), and because of my past, she is not trusting of me. Tuch'e. It really comes back on you, hard. Even though I was true in this relationship, I struggle just to keep in touch w/this special someone. I tire of the emptiness of shortlived relationships, and honestly wanted to invest alot in this one. But unfortunately, it is apparent it's not in the cards, and I have crapped out. I miss you babe, sorry. Aaron(aandftrances)
 
  Reply With Quote
Yamman is offline Yamman Post #194  March 13,2009, 4:30pm
Yamman's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Mar 2009

Posts: 1

See profile

HarleyGrrl,283735 wrote :

abnoba,283723 wrote :


noseyparker,283707 wrote :


abnoba,283667 wrote :


Ciao_eh,283626 wrote :


what does divorce have to do with cheating? What does the duration of the marriage have to do with cheating? I am confused as to what the linkage is here...


The way I see it there is no difference at all between a divorcee and a cheater. They both screwed up and both can change and both should be forgiven and given another chance.


Not all divorced persons are the cause of their divorce. They do not all require forgiveness.


Not all cheaters are the cause of their cheating, either. The conditions, causes, etc. that lead to either cheating or divorce are specific to that relationship and have no bearing, in my estimation, on the next relationship.


Wow...I've heard it all now.





Not all cheaters are the cause of their cheating? OK. So here's where we don't hold someone responsible for their actions. We point the finger at everyone else. Got it.





That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. No one, or nothing MAKES someone cheat. It's a choice. A choice they make and have to live with. It's selfish and it's a cowardly act. They hurt others with their CHOICE to cheat...spouse, kids, families, etc.





I was married to a cheater, and I knew before I said "I do" that he cheated on his first wife. But I so wanted to think I'd be different...just like he said I was. Cheaters do tend to lie at times, you see, to get what they want.





He cheated on me once, I forgave him and kept trucking on. The second time he cheated on me, I figured it was my self-respect or my marriage. I chose my self-respect.





It is an insult to anyone who has lived with infidelity, for you to say not all cheaters are the causeof their cheating. A cheater knows the difference between right and wrong, and they choose to do wrong, regardless of who or what they destroy while they cheat.. They are highly lacking in integrity, character, and morals.





However, if you'd like to marry one and get him off the market, you go right ahead. The rest of us thank you.
Well to disagree with who is at fault...it is not always the fault of the one who cheats. when one spouse withholds sex,,affection and finanical support,,but threatens to take the children and half the net worth can anyone not find sympathy from someone else
 
  Reply With Quote
catty is offline catty Post #195  March 13,2009, 5:06pm
catty's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Jun 2008

Oregon

Posts: 55

See profile

Gr8Guyn2008,283512 wrote :

Cheating is an integrity issue. Once a cheater always a cheater.
I agree that it is a question of integrity, and that would be the final word for me personally. However, I do not think a person who has cheated will neccessarily always cheat.
 
  Reply With Quote
hope2see is offline hope2see Post #196  March 13,2009, 5:49pm
hope2see's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Mar 2009

Posts: 4

See profile



I married a man who was divorced for 10 years.When he asked me to marry him,he asked me why I thought he was still single?My reply was that I thought he just wanted to be single.Wrong answer.He said it was because he had not found the right kind of woman and that I was the type of woman he was looking for.We married. Many years later,he cheated.During those years,because of his previous marriage,he was always looking for me to cheat on him.I never have,but he did.I do not feel it is because of something I did or did not do,I think it has alot to do with his childhood meaning the relationship he saw his mother and father have,by the way from what I hear from knowing some of their friends,not a very trusting marriage.Then his first wife had some of the same problems with him as I have.She is not like me,so ending the first marriage was quick as she was not going to be punished. After being married to this man for many years I myself am sick of the drama and any excuse that might be given to me for cheating as I feel I have been faithful all this time and even at a late date I feel his feelings ,emotions will never change and I am now after wasting so much of my life with someone who is going to cheat no matter what I do,I am ready to call it quits. It is much deeper than what anyone seems to be able to do anything about.I feel it has to do with a persons behavior learned in early childhood.And by the way,I have bent over backwards to be a trustworthy person. Nothing works and I am sick of trying. Leave the cheater to his or her cheating ways and find someone who will not waste your precious time.Find someone like yourself who is not a cheater and be happy.I'm going to.I would rather be divorced and happy than unhappy with a person who is just a sad soul that refuses to get help and want to cheat on me to punish me for something someone else did in their past. I want a soulmate,not a heartache.By the way,finish one relationship before you get into another one,there is never an excuse to cheat.Be honest with the person you are with and if you can't hang or just don't want them anymore for whatever reason,be a real man or woman,get brave and let that person go instead of being a liar and a cheat.Give the other person some honestly instead of lies and grief. Tell them you want to end it-then go get somebody else if that's what you want.The problem I see is that the person that cheats wants to know that his or her other life is set up and waiting before they dump the one they are cheating on.Little do they know the problem is within themselves and they take the problem with them when they go.
 
  Reply With Quote
vlnman is offline vlnman Post #197  March 13,2009, 7:42pm
vlnman's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Nov 2008

Dayton, OH

Posts: 150

See profile

Yamman,528585 wrote :

HarleyGrrl,283735 wrote :


abnoba,283723 wrote :


noseyparker,283707 wrote :


abnoba,283667 wrote :


Ciao_eh,283626 wrote :


what does divorce have to do with cheating? What does the duration of the marriage have to do with cheating? I am confused as to what the linkage is here...


The way I see it there is no difference at all between a divorcee and a cheater. They both screwed up and both can change and both should be forgiven and given another chance.


Not all divorced persons are the cause of their divorce. They do not all require forgiveness.


Not all cheaters are the cause of their cheating, either. The conditions, causes, etc. that lead to either cheating or divorce are specific to that relationship and have no bearing, in my estimation, on the next relationship.


Wow...I've heard it all now.





Not all cheaters are the cause of their cheating? OK. So here's where we don't hold someone responsible for their actions. We point the finger at everyone else. Got it.





That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. No one, or nothing MAKES someone cheat. It's a choice. A choice they make and have to live with. It's selfish and it's a cowardly act. They hurt others with their CHOICE to cheat...spouse, kids, families, etc.





I was married to a cheater, and I knew before I said "I do" that he cheated on his first wife. But I so wanted to think I'd be different...just like he said I was. Cheaters do tend to lie at times, you see, to get what they want.





He cheated on me once, I forgave him and kept trucking on. The second time he cheated on me, I figured it was my self-respect or my marriage. I chose my self-respect.





It is an insult to anyone who has lived with infidelity, for you to say not all cheaters are the causeof their cheating. A cheater knows the difference between right and wrong, and they choose to do wrong, regardless of who or what they destroy while they cheat.. They are highly lacking in integrity, character, and morals.





However, if you'd like to marry one and get him off the market, you go right ahead. The rest of us thank you.


Well to disagree with who is at fault...it is not always the fault of the one who cheats. when one spouse withholds sex,,affection and finanical support,,but threatens to take the children and half the net worth can anyone not find sympathy from someone else
No disrespect to the poster..I don't know your situation. But - this is why our society is spiralling out of control in more ways than one.


Sympathy - I was unable to find any reference whatsoever that links the act of adultery with usage of this word.


So my spouse treats me like a stray dog....fails to engage in a reciprocal relationship, fails to provide.....whatever. My response should be to stand up to said spouse...tell said spouse to hit the road....tell said spouses attorney to grow up and get a life....and respectfully beat said spouse senseless with evidence and factsin front of a judge when they pull the divorce abuse


And along with all the things I do above - I do not become a poster child for the victim society. I do not commit adultery. I do not rationalize that my behavior is justified. I do not live in fantasy world with my equally immoral paramour


This is a great line < However, if you'd like to marry one and get him off the market, you go right ahead. The rest of us thank you. > but I actuallyhope we don't marry off mr and ms cheater ..... yet another marriage to fail, even more lives to be destroyed, finances ruined, heck let's add another foreclosure to the books. And you get to watch mr and ms cheater funda couple more divorce lawyer's vacation homes and yacht club dues.
 
  Reply With Quote
hope2see is offline hope2see Post #198  March 13,2009, 10:14pm
hope2see's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Mar 2009

Posts: 4

See profile



The question:Should You date a former cheater? Answer:--------NO. As someone I once knew told me and they were right. The saying goes- If he or she cheats on wife or husband to be with you,he or she will cheat on you to be with someone else too. If he or she cheats,he or she lies,if he or she lies,he or she will steal. Seems to be true. Cheaters live in a fantasy world always.Not reality. They don't want to commit to anything too long. Selfish.
 
  Reply With Quote
jayjay is offline jayjay Post #199  March 13,2009, 10:33pm
jayjay's Avatar

...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

Sage

Joined: Jun 2008

Brownsville, TX

Posts: 10,932

See profile

hope2see,528730 wrote :

Leave the cheater to his or her cheating ways and find someone who will not waste your precious time.Find someone like yourself who is not a cheater and be happy.I'm going to.
Sorry about your painful situation. I'd just point out, if it was as simple as "find someone who will not cheat" you'd have done this in the first place (as would everyone). People have personality issues, problems, do bad things etc. There's a mix of good and bad in everyone (including you and I)....and I don't think it's ever possible to enter a relationship without the risk of pain.
 
  Reply With Quote
inn is offline inn Post #200  March 13,2009, 11:41pm
inn's Avatar

is getting ready to travel again!

Pacesetter

Joined: Feb 2009

California

Posts: 490

See profile

Gr8Guyn2008,283512 wrote :

Cheating is an integrity issue. Once a cheater always a cheater.
Agree!
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Post First Date Email | Dating | I want to be exclusive & he's not ready...need some advice! »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“It's important to understand the way a site works. Rigidly assuming / insisting that eH works likes all the others you're used to isn't utilizing the site functions to your best advantage. No.... ... ” –  Wiseman2

Join the “First contact on eHarmony, smile, questions, email?” discussion

“ If you have yet to meet, you don't know him or whether you two will form a connection. Connections formed over e-mail tend to be fantasies. You will see this echoed over and over by experienced ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “How do i recoonect with him again?” discussion

“ Then it's a bit premature to worry about being friend-zoned. The first step is to go out on dates! What specific steps did you try? How many women did you ask out in person? Did you buy a ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “For women to answer: How to avoid the friend zone” discussion

“ This is an old thread. She asked this in 2010. By now they are likely very exclusive or very over. ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “is there a reason to ask if we're exclusive?” discussion

“ I'm sure he wouldn't get that. And I can't be sure that was the actual message. But it sems kind of likely to me.” –  boomer_gal

Join the “Why am I not successful?” discussion

“Hi eccemuliere and welcome to eHA.On an internet forum like eHA, you're going to get a wide variety of responses; some you'll like and some you won't. It's best to focus on the ones that speak to ... ” –  Sassafras54

Join the “Being blown off, or something else?” discussion

“ Although I have ignored my gut at times, in hindsight it's always been right, in terms of recognizing bad choices. QUOTE] But once we realize our past mistakes, we can use our reason to clue us ... ” –  eccemuliere

Join the “Is Your Gut Leading - or Misleading You?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 6:40am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0