Should You Date a Former Cheater?

Should You Date a Former Cheater?

This discussion is based on an Advice article:
Should You Date a Former Cheater?


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
thewinner_in_this_one is offline thewinner_in_this_one Post #181  November 7,2008, 5:29pm
thewinner_in_…'s Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Nov 2008

Posts: 1

See profile



I was married for 23 years (with the coward for 26 years). He had a drinking problem and a major problem with selfishness or being spoiled as a child. He moved from his parents home into our home and had never been on his own prior to being married. Mommy did evertying for him. Needless to say, I totally and completely trusted my husband, even though we had become very settled and more like friends. He was never one for deep conversation and he always kept to himself. I fought with him over his drinking, which he claimed was what made him comfortable with people. At the end of our marriage, he really started drinking a lot more than the already excessive drinking he'd done for years. I started to catchhim in lies that were minor and unrelated to anything important, but lies just the same. Three years prior to the end of our marriage he started"playing cards" with some guys from work. It was very rare and he always came home early the nextday. Never the night he played cards because he was unable to attend any function or activity without drinking until there was nothing left to drink. So, of course, I figured he was always far to intoxicated to drive home and prefered that he stay at his friends house if he was drunk.FAST FORWARD:Toward my 50th birthday I realized that I couldn't deal with an alcoholicanymore and I wanted to have my life back. He had claimed to have stopped drinking and was attending AA meetings, but I could tell he was drinking more than ever and he couldn't tell the truth and didn't want to discuss anything. Finally when I told him he needed to leave or go get help, he confessed that he had beenhaving an affair for three years (the evenings he said he was playing cards).Heagreed to go to rehab and get help for his drinking at this point because he thought he was killing himself (with guilt - hiswords). Ironically, he had comments for yearsabout other he knew were cheating and how little respect he had for them. The evening I found out about his affair, I told him he needed to go be with his "girlfriend".Hehad the audacity to call her fromour home and confess to her that he had finally told me of their affair and asked her if she was ready to "take care of him". I was in total shock that he had so little respect for me and our son. His next words to her were: "I will never stop loving you, the only thing that would make me stop loving you is if you Cheated on me". Fine words to be coming from a cheating cowards mouth.


Funny that thingsdidn't work out for him. I sent him off to rehab and set him free to be with his already cheating girlfriend (being an ex-P.I., I did some research of my own on his girlfriend). I gave him the news I had found and told him I wished him well and it was now time for me to live my life with honesty, pride and integrity. Told him he could be with his lovely girlfriend and let her work and her family know that she had been seeing a married man for three years and that he wasn't the first or only married alcoholic she had been seeing. He was offended that "I would bring her into our mess". I reminded him it wasn't my mess at all, but his mess. He questioned me about what I had found abouther and he toldme it really made a big difference if I was telling him the truth about her or not. Told him I had no reason to lie to himbecause he and I were over. He couldn't deal with being cheated on and she didn't want to be with an available man.


I truly believe if a person is coward enough and selfish enough to carry on an affairand cheat once, they will never change their ways. In our situation, it was all about him. Whenwas good for a moment thinking he could go right to her and that I took it well. Once he realized she didn't want him and I didn't want him he was lost. He let me know what a wonderful wife I had been and he proclaimed his deepest apologies to me and blamed things on his drinking (realizing it was the drinking that caused him to do this, not him personally), although he would consciously and soberly make plans to see her (or play cardsif you will) weeks or days in advance with ample time to see the evil of his ways.


When it's a cheater that hurts it's a different story - but it doesn'tchange theirgame.


Glad to say he is alonelivingina room in his mother's basement and I am happily seeing someone thathas an occasional drink and engages in conversation without the aid of alcohol.


Once a liar always a liar, once a cheater always a cheater. Steer clear.
 
  Reply With Quote
wat_gos_round_cums_round is offline wat_gos_round_cums_round Post #182  November 15,2008, 3:00pm
wat_gos_round…'s Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Nov 2008

Posts: 1

See profile



ok i must say something being both cheated on and divorcedx2. my first husband cheated on me we had 2 children. my 2nd husbands 1st wife cheated on him. we agreed we would never do that to each other cuz it hurt 2 much. if we ever found our selves wanting to B with someone else we would give the other the respect they deserved, tell them and leave. he ended up with his 3 kids i had the 2 while we dated i took care of all 5 kids for 16yrs. we were married 8 out of that 16. i worked at our marriage i went to counseling by myself for 3 yrs he refused to go. he cheated on me with a women (if U want 2 call her that) who has 2 children and one grandchild. she so happened to be married x2. cheated on both husbands one was with my husband. she has done this with the people she has dated inbetween which i understand you would need to borrow someone elses hands and may B their feet to count them all on. anyway i worked at my marriage i tried to stick by my vows and my commitment so other thanbeing trustful, commited what does that make me? i say what goes around comes around and they are both doomed. i just feel bad for all the kids! and what those 3 cheating people put them through. what are they teaching them to be future cheaters of America?
 
  Reply With Quote
Eximio is offline Eximio Post #183  December 6,2008, 11:14pm
Eximio's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2008

Posts: 1

See profile



You'd have to be utterly nuts to date a former cheater. Often, these people have personality disorders of some type. Not long ago, I dated a woman for a year. We even bought a house together. Not long after purchasing the house, I learned that she was still messing around with her supposed "ex" boyfriend. Who knows what other men she was with.


She was a nymphomaniac. A healthy libido is a good thing. But she was over the top. That should have been my first warning sign. But, of course, I ignored it because I thought I was in love.


After I got out of the relationship, she stalked me for more than a year. YES, women stalk. In fact, research shows that they do it more often than men do. That was very creepy.


During that time, I started reading a lot and learned about personality disorders. If you don't what these are, google them. Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Hystrionic Personality Disorder, and there are some others. Learn to look for the signs of people with these major psychological problems. Actually, a fairly large percentage of people have them. And these are the sort of people that will cheat and not have remorse, or will blame you for their cheating, and that sort of thing.


The strange thing about people with these personality disorders is that they don't actually surfer that much from their problems. It's the people around them that suffer. Especially their partners. And, you cannot fix them or help them. You should never make excuses for them. Once you spot them, run as fast as you can. There are plenty of wonderful and loving people our there with whom to share a great relationship. Let the people with personality disorders date and marry each other!
 
  Reply With Quote
Sweetlips2 is offline Sweetlips2 Post #184  December 19,2008, 8:55am

Unregistered

Joined: Dec 2008

Go Phillies!

Posts: 71

See profile



It really takes time to get to know someone. People used to rely on family and friends and even then it didn't always work. We may not all have been trained to deal with stress in a healthy manner. The funny thing is thatwhen presented with an alternative,people may not choose to leave the unhealthy but comfortable way of emoting. They are unhappily stuck. And no matter what you say or do to help them, they have their own ideas about how it is.That's just human. The gift of fire can burn. Soonward!


Aaaaarrggh. I need some fresh air andI want to feel the wind in my hair!
 
  Reply With Quote
rkeathw is offline rkeathw Post #185  December 19,2008, 2:16pm

Unregistered

Joined: Dec 2008

Portland, OR

Posts: 24

See profile



Sorry - but once a cheater, always a cheater - it is in the psychology. You are always taking a chance with these kinds and the behavior is a symptom of something darker and deeper. Plenty of people out there that don't cheat - ever.
 
  Reply With Quote
tyeflash is offline tyeflash Post #186  December 19,2008, 4:04pm
tyeflash's Avatar

I'm learning to have fun.It's time to let go and have fun!!!

Quick Study

Joined: Nov 2008

Idalou,tx

Posts: 59

See profile

Gr8Guyn2008,283512 wrote :

Cheating is an integrity issue. Once a cheater always a cheater.
I agree.I found out the hard way.my ex cheated On her boyfriend when we first went out and didnt tell him till it had been over a month since we started dating! we were together over ten years b4 I caught her hanging out with guys while i was gone.we're divorced but stayed together four years earlier that was a mistake on my part!!!
 
  Reply With Quote
ALLattitude is offline ALLattitude Post #187  December 19,2008, 7:09pm
ALLattitude's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2008

Posts: 13

See profile



If your taking the chance of dating a former cheater then make sure you can handle the results beingpositive or negativeof how itmay effect you too. A lot of cheaters are open minded people who are curious about sex or life in general. If your not a jealous person than try swinging with your partner. Then you won't have to worry about cheating.
 
  Reply With Quote
KentuckyBlue is offline KentuckyBlue Post #188  January 1,2009, 10:02am
KentuckyBlue's Avatar

is leaving for awhile.

Newbie

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 4

See profile

yours_truly1973,288638 wrote :

I personally believe that people do change; they also make mistakes that theylater regret. I believe the variables are more important than the acts themselves. First of all, I would like to start by saying that I have never cheated. My spirit just won't allow me to. I would be so troubled thatIwouldn't be able to perform the act itself. One thing that should be taken in to consideraton is: was this a one time mistake? Have they come to realize the beauty of a committed relationship? Or is sex justa physical act for them? I don't understand cheaters and don't care to get involved with them. To me they are trouble, and they will dampen your spirit everytime their infidelity is brought up or thought about. In a perfect world cheaters would date other cheaters; at least that way they would both get what they deserve. Now about this marriage thang. I was married for about eight years. At the time I was working full time and going to college full time. Unfortunately, my ex wife was gettinghooked on drugs while I was away. She eventually go so bad, she began to lie, cheat, and steal. I tried everything I could to speak sensibly to her; but in the end it simply wasn't enough. I could no longer take the lying and stealing (she even pawned her wedding ring for God's sake). When she got caught stealing from my mom that was the final straw--I just couldn't accept her anymore. Since she has been gone, she has been in and out of jail; hasn't seen her children in two years, and has never once paid child support or remembered them on their birthdays. Meanwhile I work desperately to be their everything. So to consider me as a marriage risk is a little unfair. I was never adulterous, abusive, nor was I unaffectionate. I tried everything but sometimes people change for the worse and there is nothing you can do about it. I will admit, it has really changed my opinion about marriage, I am no longer convinced that I will ever marry again; but with God's grace all things are possible--please pray for me!Thank you, I could really use a soul mate right now.
Hey, I am new here and I just happen to come across what you wrote. I don't know where you are in your life since you wrote this, but I was in the same boat as you were with your ex. It is a very hard thing to go through, and it does leavea lotof deep wounds, but in time God will heal those and will bring that someone special into your life, if that is his plan. I truely believe that, and pray the same for me, until then, enjoy what is given to you, it may not be what you want at this time, but it may be what God thinks you need. I take one day at a time, because we are never promised tomorrow, and we should be thankful for what we have and not what we want. As it is said, All good things come to you, through him. Keep up your faith in him. People are human, they make mistakes, that is why God gave us forgiveness, and they may not ask it of you, but you still can give it to them and know that you are a better person for that. That is what being a Christian is all about. Faith, Family, Friends and Freedom.
 
  Reply With Quote
Sassy72_00 is offline Sassy72_00 Post #189  January 1,2009, 10:52am
Sassy72_00's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2008

Chicago

Posts: 37

See profile



abnoba,283723 wrote :


noseyparker,283707 wrote :


abnoba,283667 wrote :


Ciao_eh,283626 wrote :


what does divorce have to do with cheating? What does the duration of the marriage have to do with cheating? I am confused as to what the linkage is here...


The way I see it there is no difference at all between a divorcee and a cheater. They both screwed up and both can change and both should be forgiven and given another chance.


Not all divorced persons are the cause of their divorce. They do not all require forgiveness.


Not all cheaters are the cause of their cheating, either. The conditions, causes, etc. that lead to either cheating or divorce are specific to that relationship and have no bearing, in my estimation, on the next relationship.


"Not all cheaters are the cause of their cheating, either." HUH?





There is NEVER a good reason to cheat, EVER. There is always a monet before you do something you KNOW is wrong where you can CHOOSE not to do it. Have I ever cheated, no. Have I been cheated on, yes.


So, yes I believe once a cheater, always a cheater. Am I friends with the ex that cheated? Yes, we were friends before the relationship. The cheating was not about me, cheating rarely is about the person being cheated on. Do I think cheaters are bad people? No. Just people that are making bad choices.
 
  Reply With Quote
Sassy72_00 is offline Sassy72_00 Post #190  January 1,2009, 10:57am
Sassy72_00's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Dec 2008

Chicago

Posts: 37

See profile

jewldimaondintherough,326718 wrote :

is asking someone for phone sex cheating? is posting a picture of him and another girl cheating? how about him posting on the girls page she is hot as hell cheating?
Phone sex is cheating, cybersex is cheating, sex of any kind is cheating and lusting after other women and/or men is just wrong and disrespectful to your partner.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Post First Date Email | Dating | I want to be exclusive & he's not ready...need some advice! »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“It's important to understand the way a site works. Rigidly assuming / insisting that eH works likes all the others you're used to isn't utilizing the site functions to your best advantage. No.... ... ” –  Wiseman2

Join the “First contact on eHarmony, smile, questions, email?” discussion

“ If you have yet to meet, you don't know him or whether you two will form a connection. Connections formed over e-mail tend to be fantasies. You will see this echoed over and over by experienced ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “How do i recoonect with him again?” discussion

“ Then it's a bit premature to worry about being friend-zoned. The first step is to go out on dates! What specific steps did you try? How many women did you ask out in person? Did you buy a ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “For women to answer: How to avoid the friend zone” discussion

“ This is an old thread. She asked this in 2010. By now they are likely very exclusive or very over. ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “is there a reason to ask if we're exclusive?” discussion

“ I'm sure he wouldn't get that. And I can't be sure that was the actual message. But it sems kind of likely to me.” –  boomer_gal

Join the “Why am I not successful?” discussion

“Hi eccemuliere and welcome to eHA.On an internet forum like eHA, you're going to get a wide variety of responses; some you'll like and some you won't. It's best to focus on the ones that speak to ... ” –  Sassafras54

Join the “Being blown off, or something else?” discussion

“ Although I have ignored my gut at times, in hindsight it's always been right, in terms of recognizing bad choices. QUOTE] But once we realize our past mistakes, we can use our reason to clue us ... ” –  eccemuliere

Join the “Is Your Gut Leading - or Misleading You?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 6:39am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0