Should You Date a Former Cheater?

Should You Date a Former Cheater?

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Should You Date a Former Cheater?


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Rundontwalk is offline Rundontwalk Post #161  November 1,2008, 12:32pm
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Blackberry Addict and Jacquenes should hook up.
 
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BlackberryAddict is offline BlackberryAddict Post #162  November 1,2008, 12:39pm
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still has the conceal carry license ;-) LOL

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Jacquesne,285579 wrote :

Life experience and age are not necessarily correlated =). There are plenty of 50-year-olds who know crap about life and plenty of 18-year-olds who have gone to war and come back with more life experiences than most of us will ever have.


Of course, cheating is a character flaw, always. I rarely speak in absolutes but this is one of them. I cannot think of a case where cheating is not a character flaw and I wouldn't trust someone who cheated with virtually anything. Integrity is one of the most important virtues I believe in. Cheating is an integrity violation. Divorce has nothing to do with it. You can get a divorce for a million reasons. My father got a divorce from his first wife because she ran off with his RIO (guy in the rear of a fighter jet) while he was at war in Vietnam. He married my mother and they've been married over 30 years. His integrity was not lost. Would you say a woman loses integrity by divorcing a man who beats her?


Cheating is a choice to have sex. Unless you are forced you always have a choice to have sex. It really is that simple. To "accidentally" do so shows a weakness of character. Period. Can your character be improved over time? Sure. Someone can eventually learn how to take control of their own behavior. Saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" is the same as saying "once an addict, always an addict." People can, and do, get over their character flaws. I'm not saying that a cheater will always be weak in character. I am saying that cheating always indicates a character flaw. Nobody with a strong character cheats.


I understand why people cheat. It's an easy escape from a problem. It makes you feel better and it distances you from the problem. It's like taking drugs or drinking yourself to oblivion. A short term solution that ends up destroying you.


Could I date a former cheater? I don't know. Not if they cheated on me...I have enough of the "well, it didn't happen to me " human mentality that I might risk it. It would certainly make it harder to trust the person. Honestly, and this is probably selfish and stupid, I'd rather not know if someone cheated before. If they've corrected whatever character flaw that caused them to cheat then I'd just rather not even find out about it. If they still have the problem I'll probably discover it eventually. Maybe not because they cheat (or because I find out about it) but because I see the flaw in other ways. It can be hard to tell with someone you're emotionally involved with but eventually it comes out. If they're over the weakness I may never find out. I'm OK with that. I don't mind leaving the past in the past as long it is truly in the past.


Would I ever cheat? No. It's really that simple. I will never smoke a cigarrette or chew tobacco. I will never do illegal drugs. I will never get a tatoo. These are things I've decided for myself and will not break on them. Do I really have any moral problem with those things? Not really. Mostly just the cheating. If others do them that's their choice and I'm OK with that. I just don't want them. The tatoos is purely cosmetic...I don't like how they look and would not put them on my body. Do I think someone is a bad person if they have tatoos? Of course not. Most of my friends have tatoos (Marines...).


I would have trouble trusting my friends if they cheated on someone else, male or female, regardless of the "reason." If the relationship is bad just break it off. Get a divorce. There is a way to do it. Trusting someone with my heart who has cheated would be virtually impossible. If my heart is closed off the relationship probably won't last long.


But hey, what do I know? I'm only 24 =).


Jacquesne
This is a great post. You are a perfect example of age not reflecting the depth of wisdom. Sadly, abnoda's posts show her lack of life experience and chooses not to learn anything from people with more knowledge.


Keepan open mind,listen to others and watch to learn from their mistakes. I learned very young thisgreat way to gather knowledge without having to make those same mistakes myself... I make enough mistakes on my own!!
 
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BlackberryAddict is offline BlackberryAddict Post #163  November 1,2008, 12:50pm
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still has the conceal carry license ;-) LOL

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Rundontwalk,317902 wrote :

Blackberry Addict and Jacquenes should hook up.
{mumbling} Don't I wish!


They might have to start a group "Jacquesne Admiration Club" and invite all us old ladies who drool over him on here ;-)
Besides, he must bea plant from eH, he's just too perfect!
 
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BlackberryAddict is offline BlackberryAddict Post #164  November 1,2008, 1:19pm
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still has the conceal carry license ;-) LOL

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writergurl,284053 wrote :

The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran, says something about adultery. It says "do not judge the adultress, until you have looked into the character of her husband." or something like that. I think that's really true. Cheating can be the sign of a weak character, or it can be the sign of a really bad relationship. We can't be so quick to judge people.
This my last post (finally read everything)


Sorry to burst your bubble but this is for those who rationalize a bad relationship as an 'excuse' to cheat. A good woman (or man) does not bed hop but stands on their own two feet and ends one relationship before going on to the next. The bed hoppers are people who are afraid to be alone; they do not make good life partners.


As for the comments by abnoba, her comments kept getting more and more outrageous so it's obvious she has either very little real people and life experience or she's just trolling (maybe a bit of both). When cornered on the cheating issue she reverted to divorced people, then to stealing. Last time I checked sex wasn't a life sustaining activity (though it sure feels that way sometimes ROFL!!).


She made the comment (copy/paste) "Bottom line it takes two people to make a marriage and two to destroy it. I fail to see any value in assigning more blame on party than another."
I agree with this, but this was her way of AGAIN diverting attention away from the subject at hand which is 'cheaters' and trying to confuse the issue with 'divorce'. Two separate issues. She sees that, but she knows she's wrong about the cheaters so tried to get someone/anyone to agree with her by changing the focus. I do not agree there is a reason for cheating.


I do subscribe to once a cheater always a cheater, but I also believe there can be cheaters who reform. Just like an alcoholic is always an alcoholic, or a drug addict is always a drug addict. You can be reformed but you KNOW this is a riskybehaviour, you must always be alert for signs.
An alcoholic cannot be in a bar, a drug addict cannot be hanging with those old friends, and a cheater must not ever put him/her self in a compromising situation.
If you know you have this character flaw,then you must CHOOSE to protect yourself, and those around you, from this behaviour. It is a matter of choice.


We'll never convince her and she'll never convince us so agree to disagree and sit back. She'll learn soon enough on her own :-(


The topic here should have been Should You Date A Reformed Cheater? People might have been more split on that. I do believe people can learn from things they've done, but having been through a marriage with a cheater I would not do it again. And just for the record, Jacquesne is right about the character flaw thing because ex lost my respect for other things he did that were notrightlong before he lost my love for cheating.


Something I've noticed... serial cheaters (my first ex was/is one) a lot of times have other 'addictions' too (he was/is an alcoholic). I don't know if this is an indication of weak character/will. I didn't know about the cheating until after marriagebut I knew about the alcoholism because he went through rehab right after we met. But in my ignorance I married him... I had never known an alcoholic so had no idea he wasn't 'fixed'. Don't we feel stupid when we look back? I was 16yo and thought I had a handle on it all.


Oh, I've learned something from this thread... my guy friends are always talking about how their wives/GFs don't 'fight fair', that they change the subject or bring up old stuff etc when fussing. NOW, seeing how abnoba kept throwing other things in the mix, I have more understanding of what they're talking about LOL!
I don't like fussing, I usually give in when it's not important to me and expect the same in return from my partner so have never really had a relationship where there were 'arguments'.
I missed out on that womanly art of 'winning' arguments LOL!
 
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JRG68 is offline JRG68 Post #165  November 5,2008, 8:59am
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Maybe Jesus said it best....when you look upon another with lust, you've committed adultry. I won't cast the first stone. We are wired and chemically endowed to experience "feelings" and urges...set off by any number of criteria, it's called being human. I do not believe that there isa person in historywho has not experienced the feelings of lust that may be triggered at even the most minute of glimpse or thought of the opposite sex (or same sex...if so inclined) in any number of circumstances that somehow "fire off"their personal lust reaction. This includes each of us, andour partners....again, this is only human and completely in line with our physical makeup, and rest assured, if the situation is exactly right,we personally can get caught up in it, regardless how against it we believe weare. As much as we would all like to believe otherwise, we do not exist in a vacuum with everything being absolute. Most any pyschologist or pyschiatrist will tell you that under the right circumstances....human beings are capable of doing any act.


Rationality / moralitysets us apart from the animal kingdom, and can override the base instincts of physical attraction and lustful feelings. Cheating is a choice, cut and dried. The cheater alone (male or female) is solelyand ultimately responsible for the cheating behavior, regardless their partner or circumstances.The individualmakes the decision and acts on it. It is ultimately always a matter of personal integrity and ultimate choice, regardless the rationalization.


Can a cheater change??....of course they can, just like we all change and grow with knowledge and understanding and critical evaluation of our own characters. However, if a personhas made that choice to cheat once, they should very much be aware of that character and integrity deficiency within themselves and always watch it, just as a reformed alcoholic or drug addict must watch them selves......they are always an addict.


My own personal take on it all is that if your relationship is not working, and you are inclined to cheat, then you need to be open and forthright with yourself first, and your mate second. Quit the relationship if you cannot or will not fix it and accept it, or yourself as you are at that point in time, because only you are responsible for changing it or yourself. If married, you made a vow before God and to the other person. You owe it to both to deal with the situation honestly instead of acting out and swimming in excuses or rationalizations. This is a definite betrayal....to God....to you ....to your partner. All deserve better. Personally, I would want nothing to do relationshipwise with a cheater. If two people made the committment to be mutually exclusive, then so be it. If either breaks that pact, then it is either time to go, or committ to righting the situation. It can be forgiven...but never forgotten.


There are those of both sex who are habitual cheaters, and rationalize that they "love" their partner, but needs or desires are not being met. Many would not dream of leaving their partner. To me this is the height of narcissism, and a completely dishonest participation in a marriage or committed relationship. This is a character flaw, and they should get some help....or have the common decency to allow their partner to seek personal fulfillment without them. Of course they won't, because again, this condition is a basic character flaw, and they will never acknowledge it as such. It is always about them and their own needs. Me Me Me.....all the time.....like a bad radio station. These are the obvious people we should all avoid.


"Know thyself" and the Golden rule are excellent admonitions. You have no ultimate control of another....they got with you of their own volition...for their own reasons....they carry their own flaws as you do yourself. Be honest and try to be the best you can for the other, and ultimately yourself. All people come into your life path for a "reason, season or lifetime". None are flawless. You must decide which flaws you can and cannot accept...and place yourself under the same criteria for the other person.
 
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winymure is offline winymure Post #166  November 5,2008, 11:42am
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First of all, someone cheats because they are thinking of themselves and not their partner. And to JRG68's comments, it is ridiculous to say no one is above cheating. Some people would rather lose a limb than betray the person they love. Personally I have never cheated and never will. The reason I say this, is because I was in an unhappy relationship, very passionless and sexless and I am a highly sexual person. However my partner was a chronic negative force in the relationship. At the times I was sure I would break up with her, I was also in positions where it would be thought impossible to resist for any man. And I mean it when I say it was tempting, but not even a posibility. People cheat because they are selfish and have issues and low self esteem. True everyone has issues and self esteem problems, but by that same logic everyone could be serial killers or rapist because we are wired for aggression and so forth. It comes down to how much do you care about the other person, and how loyal of a person are you. And the worst part of all of this is, after everything I put up with, she cheated on me. And she lied continuously to me throughout the relationship which I came to find out later. So no not everyone is capable of cheating unless they just want to, there is no situation too over powering or person so tempting that cannot be ignored if you choose to. And if you are going to cheat on someone, why lie to them, just break up. And once a cheater, always a cheater. It may not happen in every case, but the day comes when they are stressed or mad at you and they now can cross a once unthinkable barrier easier each time they do it. Do not date a cheater, unless your definition of what they did was not cheating.
 
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idahochick is offline idahochick Post #167  November 5,2008, 2:32pm
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I was married for almost 25 years to the same man. I never cheated in all that time. But I caught him and he even admitted to me that it wasnt the first time he had cheated on me. He destroyed everything that we had built together including our kids(teenager & grown kids). I believe in marriage. But I have no desire to get burned again. I can't forgive him nor do his kids look at him the same, they lost most of the respect that they had for him and it is well deserved, he wasnt a very nice father to them either. He and his cheating partner and she knew he was married, are together. I know he will cheat on her too, its just a matter of time. I knew before I married him that he had cheated on his first wife but she cheated on him too. Crazy! I guess the cheater will get what they deserve in the end, not a very happy life!!! Once a cheater always a cheater!
 
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InsGenius is offline InsGenius Post #168  November 5,2008, 2:56pm
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Unfortunately, once a cheater, always a cheater. I should know; I was married to a 'serial' cheater who even went so far as to have a one or two night stand with a married woman and had a child with that person when our second child was only 17 months old - try that on for size! I also had other children 8 & 12 whom I had to explain this to - NICE! I would steer clear if someone shared that with me; in my opinion, there is no 'good' reason for cheating. Just get out of the relationship if it's not working for you in lieu of putting your family through that CRAP.
 
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Uncle Apple is offline Uncle Apple Post #169  November 5,2008, 5:14pm
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Only if the former part is true. Everyone deserves a chance to start over, a second chance, and to be allowed to refcorm, at any pace. Only those who are inspired to change, And to quote a movie- only the inspired see it.
 
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free100507 is offline free100507 Post #170  November 5,2008, 5:30pm
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I will not date anyone that has cheated before. I was married for 17 years and my ex got caught cheating 6 years into the marriage. He committed adultery the final and last time a couple of years ago with a married woman. It is a selfish act.People like that totally disregard other peoples feelings. I know one person who cheated once and not again, but the odds are once a cheater always a cheater. When these 2 cheaters got together now neither one trust the other. This is not the way I want to live.
 
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