Should You Date a Former Cheater?

Should You Date a Former Cheater?

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Should You Date a Former Cheater?


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Jacquesne is offline Jacquesne Post #101  October 7,2008, 1:16pm
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Huh. Interesting. You're right; I don't understand. Any time a relationship has started becoming abusive I've always cut it off. It's never easy. I wasn't trying to accuse you of cheating; I was curious as to how it could be seen as anything other than having sex with someone other than your commited relationship. I guess you could be looking for strength in the bond with someone else. I suppose cheating would give you the ability to weaken the bond between you and the bad relationship.


I guess I've just never been that attached to another person where I had to force myself to "break free." I'm very independent by nature and have always been perfectly happy being by myself with virtually no human contact. I enjoy being with others as well but the distinction between being "alone" or "with others" has never been that big for me.


I guess if I became more afraid of losing the relationship than my own suffering it would be easy to act in ways I wouldn't normally consider. My logical brain finds no purpose to cheating and is repulsed by the thought. I've always been taught the Golden Rule is the best way to live and I would hate being cheated on. Therefore I wouldn't do it to others. I simply couldn't hate someone enough to cheat on them. All my relationships have ended relatively mutually; I've never broken up with someone through anger. It's always been a gradual decline and then finally a simple understanding that it simply isn't going to work. If I was in a relationship where I wanted to get back at them for hurting me but didn't know how cheating would be a great way to inflict that pain.


I still think it's a cowardly way to solve a problem. But I guess I can see how it could be used as something other than simple lack of self-control.


It bears some thinking about. Thanks!


Jacquesne
 
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tooblunt is offline tooblunt Post #102  October 7,2008, 2:25pm

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Jacquesne,285752 wrote :


Huh. Interesting. You're right; I don't understand. Any time a relationship has started becoming abusive I've always cut it off. It's never easy. I wasn't trying to accuse you of cheating; I was curious as to how it could be seen as anything other than having sex with someone other than your commited relationship. I guess you could be looking for strength in the bond with someone else. I suppose cheating would give you the ability to weaken the bond between you and the bad relationship.


I guess I've just never been that attached to another person where I had to force myself to "break free." I'm very independent by nature and have always been perfectly happy being by myself with virtually no human contact. I enjoy being with others as well but the distinction between being "alone" or "with others" has never been that big for me.


I guess if I became more afraid of losing the relationship than my own suffering it would be easy to act in ways I wouldn't normally consider. My logical brain finds no purpose to cheating and is repulsed by the thought. I've always been taught the Golden Rule is the best way to live and I would hate being cheated on. Therefore I wouldn't do it to others. I simply couldn't hate someone enough to cheat on them. All my relationships have ended relatively mutually; I've never broken up with someone through anger. It's always been a gradual decline and then finally a simple understanding that it simply isn't going to work. If I was in a relationship where I wanted to get back at them for hurting me but didn't know how cheating would be a great way to inflict that pain.


I still think it's a cowardly way to solve a problem. But I guess I can see how it could be used as something other than simple lack of self-control.


It bears some thinking about. Thanks!


Jacquesne


I am continually impressed with your postings.......





You don't happen to be interested in older women who live hundreds of miles away by any chance.....?
 
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HarleyGrrl is offline HarleyGrrl Post #103  October 7,2008, 4:07pm
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Well, Jacquesne, all I can say is mom & dad sure must be proud of you. Seems they did an exceptional job.





Brilliant postings. You might be just 24, but you certainly seem to have a grasp on life and a genuine compassion for others. You are years ahead in wisdom compared to many.





Thank you for your non-judgemental words and for not assuming to know what's best for everyone else. It's nice to have you here.





=)
 
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writergurl is offline writergurl Post #104  October 7,2008, 5:14pm
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Jacquesne,285752 wrote :

Huh. Interesting. You're right; I don't understand. Any time a relationship has started becoming abusive I've always cut it off. It's never easy. I wasn't trying to accuse you of cheating; I was curious as to how it could be seen as anything other than having sex with someone other than your commited relationship. I guess you could be looking for strength in the bond with someone else. I suppose cheating would give you the ability to weaken the bond between you and the bad relationship.


I guess I've just never been that attached to another person where I had to force myself to "break free." I'm very independent by nature and have always been perfectly happy being by myself with virtually no human contact. I enjoy being with others as well but the distinction between being "alone" or "with others" has never been that big for me.


I guess if I became more afraid of losing the relationship than my own suffering it would be easy to act in ways I wouldn't normally consider. My logical brain finds no purpose to cheating and is repulsed by the thought. I've always been taught the Golden Rule is the best way to live and I would hate being cheated on. Therefore I wouldn't do it to others. I simply couldn't hate someone enough to cheat on them. All my relationships have ended relatively mutually; I've never broken up with someone through anger. It's always been a gradual decline and then finally a simple understanding that it simply isn't going to work. If I was in a relationship where I wanted to get back at them for hurting me but didn't know how cheating would be a great way to inflict that pain.


I still think it's a cowardly way to solve a problem. But I guess I can see how it could be used as something other than simple lack of self-control.


It bears some thinking about. Thanks!


Jacquesne
Jacquesne,


I can't speak for other peoples' experiences, except to say that I thinkabuse is never rational. And it is notalways obvious, and when it's not, it's very insidious.


There are many reasons why a person might not want to leave a relationship. They might be afraid of hurting their kids, they might not have the practical means to leave, they might not want to give up the dream of having a happy family. They might be afraid of what will happen. They might believe that they will never get free, that their abuser will torment them until the end of time. These are all valid fears and concerns, and can be overwhelming rationally. The intellect doesn't always know how to solve big emotional problems, in which case the spirit may step in to push things along. That's the gist of what I'm saying, anyway. I don't really want to get any further into this.


Thanks for being open-minded and interested in learning.
 
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Ravenvulture is offline Ravenvulture Post #105  October 8,2008, 11:28am
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My wife cheated on me 15 years ago and I finally buried it and put it behind me, but it wasn't easy and it took months; maybe a year. Now she's done it again. I don't think it can be stopped once someone starts and the spouse's suspicion will forever endure and taint the relationship always. If I know someone has this tendency I won't be interested. It's poison in a relationship.
 
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FaeryLady is offline FaeryLady Post #106  October 8,2008, 3:28pm
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Gr8Guyn2008,283512 wrote :

Cheating is an integrity issue. Once a cheater always a cheater.
That is my Moto. Once a cheater always a cheater.
 
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FaeryLady is offline FaeryLady Post #107  October 8,2008, 3:48pm
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abnoba,284293 wrote :

HarleyGrrl,283735 wrote :


abnoba,283723 wrote :


noseyparker,283707 wrote :


abnoba,283667 wrote :


Ciao_eh,283626 wrote :


what does divorce have to do with cheating? What does the duration of the marriage have to do with cheating? I am confused as to what the linkage is here...


The way I see it there is no difference at all between a divorcee and a cheater. They both screwed up and both can change and both should be forgiven and given another chance.


Not all divorced persons are the cause of their divorce. They do not all require forgiveness.


Not all cheaters are the cause of their cheating, either. The conditions, causes, etc. that lead to either cheating or divorce are specific to that relationship and have no bearing, in my estimation, on the next relationship.


Wow...I've heard it all now.





Not all cheaters are the cause of their cheating? OK. So here's where we don't hold someone responsible for their actions. We point the finger at everyone else. Got it.





That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. No one, or nothing MAKES someone cheat. It's a choice. A choice they make and have to live with. It's selfish and it's a cowardly act. They hurt others with their CHOICE to cheat...spouse, kids, families, etc.





I was married to a cheater, and I knew before I said "I do" that he cheated on his first wife. But I so wanted to think I'd be different...just like he said I was. Cheaters do tend to lie at times, you see, to get what they want.





He cheated on me once, I forgave him and kept trucking on. The second time he cheated on me, I figured it was my self-respect or my marriage. I chose my self-respect.





It is an insult to anyone who has lived with infidelity, for you to say not all cheaters are the causeof their cheating. A cheater knows the difference between right and wrong, and they choose to do wrong, regardless of who or what they destroy while they cheat.. They are highly lacking in integrity, character, and morals.





However, if you'd like to marry one and get him off the market, you go right ahead. The rest of us thank you.


No I don't suppose you want to hear what I am saying. I am sure it is more comforting to clothe oneself in the garb of victim. I seem to know many people who are divorced or are going through divorce. They all have one thing in common. They are all convinced that it was not their fault. It was the fault of their former husband or former wife. It all depends on who is telling me their story.


Like it or not, it took two people to fall in love. Two people to make a committment to the marriage, for better or worse, forever. It took two people for the marriage to dissolve. So divorce in ny opinion, if it reflects any character flaws, is a reflecton on both parties. No one is blame free in a divorce and no one is blame free when a husband or wife seeks the company of another outside of marriage.


It take two people to fall in love and two people to fall out of love. It takes two people to create the conditions within a marriage that leads to cheating.


I know that the role of victim is more fun and most of you will continue to play it. But you have no backing for such a role in terms of the behavioral sciences.
the comments were not made to the divorced argument. They are made to the choices that a CHEATER has. You are missing the point, not us.
 
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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #108  October 8,2008, 8:31pm
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Cheating is done for a lot of reason for numerous reasons, but most of the time it is done either out of the thrill, or the cheater takes what they can get, but is always looking for something better.


The fact is: someone who has cheated has already proven to me to be untrustworthy. Trust is a key component in a relationship. If I know already I cannot trust someone, there is no point in starting a relationship with them.
 
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yours_truly1973 is offline yours_truly1973 Post #109  October 9,2008, 10:03pm
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I personally believe that people do change; they also make mistakes that theylater regret. I believe the variables are more important than the acts themselves. First of all, I would like to start by saying that I have never cheated. My spirit just won't allow me to. I would be so troubled thatIwouldn't be able to perform the act itself. One thing that should be taken in to consideraton is: was this a one time mistake? Have they come to realize the beauty of a committed relationship? Or is sex justa physical act for them? I don't understand cheaters and don't care to get involved with them. To me they are trouble, and they will dampen your spirit everytime their infidelity is brought up or thought about. In a perfect world cheaters would date other cheaters; at least that way they would both get what they deserve. Now about this marriage thang. I was married for about eight years. At the time I was working full time and going to college full time. Unfortunately, my ex wife was gettinghooked on drugs while I was away. She eventually go so bad, she began to lie, cheat, and steal. I tried everything I could to speak sensibly to her; but in the end it simply wasn't enough. I could no longer take the lying and stealing (she even pawned her wedding ring for God's sake). When she got caught stealing from my mom that was the final straw--I just couldn't accept her anymore. Since she has been gone, she has been in and out of jail; hasn't seen her children in two years, and has never once paid child support or remembered them on their birthdays. Meanwhile I work desperately to be their everything. So to consider me as a marriage risk is a little unfair. I was never adulterous, abusive, nor was I unaffectionate. I tried everything but sometimes people change for the worse and there is nothing you can do about it. I will admit, it has really changed my opinion about marriage, I am no longer convinced that I will ever marry again; but with God's grace all things are possible--please pray for me!Thank you, I could really use a soul mate right now.
 
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RitzBitz is offline RitzBitz Post #110  October 10,2008, 9:14pm
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abnoba,284674 wrote :

PosiTiv65,284643 wrote :


abnoba,284509 wrote :


PosiTiv65,284504 wrote :


To compare to someone starving and stealing foodis not logical. It's no where near the same thing.


This is where rather than merely trying to win debating points you should reflect more deeply on the real relationshp between the "morality" of the starving man and cheating man. If you did take this time to explore the similarities you may come to realize that as a rule of thumb when we seek to make moral judgments on behavior x or y that we usually do so based on ignorance of the conditons that to these decisions, either an inadvertent or deliberate ignorance.


Not trying to win anything.....I place no "point value" on any conversation here. My prior point in this thread was simply that cheating is in fact a CHOICE. Just like stealing or not stealing is a CHOICE. The reasons you make those choices are varied and complex - yes, but they are still choices. To say that we are not responsible for ourchoices is something I simply don't beleive in.


By now you know why I think you are deluding yourself. I have raiseed more than enough points to cause someone like yourself to at least begin question her certainties and her conviction that cheating is simply a question of moral choice. It is no where near as simple as you would like it to be, no where near as black and white, good and evil. But I also recognize that for someone like yourself to look at this from a larger perspective is too much to ask of you. For now, at least, being the victim offers more comfort to you. So be it.
Hey abnoba, it feels like you’ve taken one too many classes in evolutionary psychology or free will at college, that you think that it is ok to belittle other people’s viewpoints and opinions, with your "enlightened thinking". Your pseudo-intellectual reasoning aside…let’s tackle this logically shall we?

Free will – we could debate this till the cows come home, but we’d get nowhere. There are proponents of both sides who hold on to their views dearly. Let’s assume for a moment that you’re right and that there is no free will…no modicum of free thinking…that we all act and react in response to external stimuli completely beyond our control. Then by your logic, we should not blame the murderers or the rapists or the child molesters. After all they all act in response to external influences, don’t they? Let’s take this down a notch…talking about cheaters. You say that 1) cheaters are born in a failing marriage, and 2) that if conditions were ripe everyone would cheat? Well then why do I see from the majority of posters on this thread, that only one of the partners cheated? According to your theory, that should be impossible…Shall we say that theory is safely debunked?

Moving on to your ad hoc assessment that all cheaters are the product of a failing marriage…Have you ever met people who you think should never marry? Like wife beaters…I know some people who really shouldn’t even be in a committed relationship, but can’t bear to let him/her go, because he/she makes them so happy, but yet they cheat, because they need to scratch that itch…I was told this by a classmate who was describing his little cheating-spree, when his live-in girlfriend had gone to visit the family…Anecdotes aside, I think you’re making an overgeneralization by stating that only failed marriages cause cheating…sometimes cheating can be the cause of failed marriages…

Predictability – everything is predictable to a certain degree (And yes, that does imply that the world is not entirely given over to free will…but I suggest that we all have some measure of free will operating in a world largely controlled by the actions of others). If someone robbed a house down the street, I would damn well be afraid to get to know them. That person’s a thief. I may be wrong in assessing this person’s character… Once a thief may not always be the thief…Hey, but that’s a risk I will not take. It’s my head or theirs, and I’ll keep mine, thank you very much. Similarly with cheaters…Is it wrong to say that every cheater will cheat again? Absolutely!! But would you give the relationship a go on the off chance that they may not cheat with you?

I think it all depends on what your understanding of cheating is…I believe cheating is about some deep insecurity and selfishness. It’s the “me first” mentality at its best. And you’re wrong… cheaters pretend to be the victims, not the other spouse. "They did not fulfill me…what could I do?" "They didn’t understand me…would could I do?" I know a guy would tell every subsequent girlfriend how terrible his immediate ex was…instant sympathy. Yes, people like that exist…

Coming back to your scientific theories… you of all people should know how dogmatic science has now become…ever worked in a biology lab? The Salem Witch Hunt begins to pale by comparison. It’s nice to try to categorize and delineate people and behaviour, but even science does not purport to understand or explain everything…Humans really are more complex than you suggest…try to fill the gaps in your scientific understanding by incorporating some real experiences into your life…at least then you would have some compassion for other people’s issues and treat them with some respect…

Oh and by the way, it’s Hindu…not HINDOO!! That you very much…
 
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