How to date a quiet and shy introvert?


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my5cents is offline my5cents Post #1  September 22,2008, 9:11pm
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I went on a date recently with the most quiet guy Iprobably have ever met. It was so uncomfortable and I felt like I carried on the whole conversation. Imagine speaking to a person who doesn't even nod their head, agree with you, or ask you any additional questions when you're talking or afterwards. Then after you ask him a question, he answers, and then silence. He answered fine, but for the most part they were pretty short answers.
At the same time one of the nicest guys I've met, but just no personality. Have you ever dated such a type, and after time does the shell break and the personality come forth?
I've met people who are quiet, but once you get them going they can talk for hours. I'm cool with that, it's just that with this guy there was nothing. I think he would have been content to sit in slience. [img]library/editor/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-undecided.gif[/img]


If you have dated this type, how has your experience been? If you are this type, what makes you start to open up?
 
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Songryder is offline Songryder Post #2  September 22,2008, 9:27pm
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my5cents, wrote :

I went on a date recently with the most quiet guy Iprobably have ever met. It was so uncomfortable and I felt like I carried on the whole conversation. Imagine speaking to a person who doesn't even nod their head, agree with you, or ask you any additional questions when you're talking or afterwards. Then after you ask him a question, he answers, and then silence. He answered fine, but for the most part they were pretty short answers.
At the same time one of the nicest guys I've met, but just no personality. Have you ever dated such a type, and after time does the shell break and the personality come forth?
I've met people who are quiet, but once you get them going they can talk for hours. I'm cool with that, it's just that with this guy there was nothing. I think he would have been content to sit in slience. [img]library/editor/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-undecided.gif[/img]


If you have dated this type, how has your experience been? If you are this type, what makes you start to open up?
Did you take his pulse? Cause ya know dead people act like that too.


I've never had that kind of experience datingbut I've been around people who are like that in social situations and you have to be a dentist cause it's like pulling teeth. Some people are just naturally shy and if he was that way to begin with, he was probably scared as well . . . not just nervous . . . scared.


I tend to want the other person to respond in some way . . . a nod, a nervous twitch. Did he even blink? I couldn't go on a second date with someone that unresponsive. I've dealth with shy guys that with a little coaxing relax and turn out to be funny and fun, but someone that just won't do anything . . . whew! Be interesting to see if he calls you again . . . but how would you know?
 
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last12C is offline last12C Post #3  September 22,2008, 9:29pm
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Try, "Are you always this quiet, or are you just nervous? Or are you so quiet because you're just not feelin' thechemistry here? Or maybe it's because I have spinach stuck in my teeth and you're too embarrassed to tell me. C'mon, the truth now!" Then give 'em a nice, big, sincere, friendly smile to encourage him to answer honestly.
 
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firenrain is offline firenrain Post #4  September 22,2008, 9:43pm
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I married a guy like this and by the time we divorced nine years later, I didn't know him any better than when we first met, it was awful! I still don't know the man- 20+ years later! Some people just don't know how to communicate and I tried everything I could think of, including a boatload of therapists (who were equally as frustrated that he wouldn't talk). I like quiet men, but this guy was not normal. In my experience with him, one day he just exploded and was full of rage that didn't go away for years (until I had to leave for my own and my kids' protection). Some people are just too broken to fix, in my opinion, and I hate to say that. That's just been my experience with someone as quiet as 5cents described. Again, I am very quiet at first, then you can't shut me up, so all introverts or shy people are not the same, but if you can't get someone to open up after a while, I'd say cut your losses and leave.
 
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propanekid is offline propanekid Post #5  September 22,2008, 10:25pm
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last12C,269076 wrote :

Or are you so quiet because you're just not feelin' thechemistry here?
Liked your other answers Last but not real sure about this one. Dated a girl for 3 months once that told about a guy that kept asking if she wanted to break up. Said she finally got tired of that question so she did.


I have to admit that I was getting that vibe from her as things progressed but since she told that story I wasn't going to ask that question. She wasn't very communicative either. Also my last OC+ didn't want to ask any questions and when she decided it wasn't going to work she said some of our conversations felt like interrogations to her.[img]library/editor/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-yell.gif[/img] They felt like that to me also and I hated it. Guess it is for the best though.


If you can't have a good conversation that is comfortable for both it just isn't going to work. The quiet ones just need a different match than the extroverts.


I will be interested to see how this thread progresses.


pk
 
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last12C is offline last12C Post #6  September 22,2008, 10:53pm
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propanekid,269100 wrote :

last12C,269076 wrote :


Or are you so quiet because you're just not feelin' thechemistry here?


Liked your other answers Last but not real sure about this one. Dated a girl for 3 months once that told about a guy that kept asking if she wanted to break up. Said she finally got tired of that question so she did.


I have to admit that I was getting that vibe from her as things progressed but since she told that story I wasn't going to ask that question. She wasn't very communicative either. Also my last OC+ didn't want to ask any questions and when she decided it wasn't going to work she said some of our conversations felt like interrogations to her.[img]library/editor/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-yell.gif[/img] They felt like that to me also and I hated it. Guess it is for the best though.


If you can't have a good conversation that is comfortable for both it just isn't going to work. The quiet ones just need a different match than the extroverts.


I will be interested to see how this thread progresses.


pk
I dunno. If there isn't any chemistry going on I kind of like to be the first to know - and the sooner the better. It's a no harm, no foul thing for me. I understand that for some guys I'm not their cup of tea and for others I'm liketheir favorite beverage :-) No reason to drag something on to a tortuous extent if it ain't gonna happen. You know?
 
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marthak is offline marthak Post #7  September 23,2008, 1:31am
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As a quiet person I have to ask, was the guy given a chance to talk? In my experience with extroverts they are so intent on filling every moment with conversation that they won't stop talking. If you think that trying to get an answer out of someone is like pulling teeth, try waiting patiently for someone to shut up!


I get this a lot, where the talker will ask a question and without giving me a chance to answer either start answering the question themselves by engaging in a guessing game and/or fly off and ask still more questions. This happens to me at work with the resident chatterbox. It can get so bad that I lose focus, stop listening to her, and, in awe, start counting her words. It's like watching a freak of nature.


When a talker first meets areally shy person, the periods of silence tend to cause them to become nervous, making them talk even more. And while the shy person is naturally more comfortable with a greater amount of silence, that silent period only gets bigger when they are nervous with a new date, and even bigger still when they sense that the other party is nervous.This could be part of the problem, both parties nervousness feeding the other's. Try to relax. Maybe order a meal or light snack then stuff something in your mouth after asking a question.


Given those considerations,and the suggestions of those before me, it could just be that this person is just TOO shy and introverted for you. Good luck getting a call for a second date; something tells me he will be too shy and embarrassed to call.
 
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livinagin is offline livinagin Post #8  September 23,2008, 4:08am
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It's gonna be one of those days when the site is down three times and it's only 8 am.


Anywho, I did kinda date a shy guy. I learned from him to be patient and just keep talking/asking questions until he got comfortable. We are fast friends. He is a better friend than some of my girlfriends. Definitely worth the wait.


On the other hand, I did have a relationship with a guy that never shut his pie whole (what gives here). Thing about these types is that being patient NEVER pays off.


My 2 cents.
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #9  September 23,2008, 4:45am
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Dear My5Cents,


This guy lacks proper social skills in knowing how to volley the conversation back and forth. It's sorta like talking to a child when one gets an adult like that.


For example:


"How was school today Johnny?"


"Fine."


"What did you do on your field trip?"


"Nothing."


"Well didn't you get to see the elephants and the new baby one?"


"Yeah."


That's kind of what you endured only with a few more words.


To anyone of those questions, Johnny could have said a whole lot more. He could have been taught as a childto learn the art of conversation.


For example, he could have said,


"Our field trip was awesome. The elephant had a new baby named Rosie that was saw being fed and their was a new babygiraffe too. It was6' tall when it was born. I got to hold asnake in the petting zoo and one of the parents took a picture of me with it around my shoulders. What'd you do today?"


Here, his answer gave lots of opportunities for the other person to pick up onany number of things and volley back.


Some people are naturallymore quiet than others. What's important with a quiet person is to ascertain what's going on . . . . Do they lack social skills?Are they shy? Are they being rude? Are they hiding great anger like was the case with FireNRain's spouse?


I've heard of quiet man who could really explode in great rages. It's like they hadDr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personalities. Under their seeming quietness was a cauldron of churning emotions just waiting like Mt. Vesvius to erupt and shower abuse over their relationship partner. Until that happened, the person didn't even know the quiet person could raise his or her voice!


It's up to you to figure out what's going on because the quiet person is not going to tell you. If someone is that quiet, how is that being nice? Mannerly?If you talked like atypical female - not over or under talking, than he should have stepped up as an adult male and behaved at least mannerly. What he did was rude.Being shy and / or quiet is no excuse forrudeness.


Dating is about getting to know the other person. Sometimes there will, and should be,times of companionable silence, but on the first few dates, extended silence is unmannerly. What were you all supposed to do? Still there in silence for hours looking at each other?


One person should not have to "carry" the conversation. It's interesting how you even got on a date in the first place - you don't mention.


Were you set up by friends and just showed up? Did he actually ask you out? That doesn't seem a likely scenario from what you've written.


It's hard to be with an adult who doesn't posses social skills and can't volley a conversation back and forth. That would grow old quickly.


Write and let us know if he asks you out again. It's charitable to think that he was nervous in addition to being shy in addition to being introverted. Have you ever noticed that such people tend to marry extroverted people who are not shy? The extrovert always wants to draw such a person out and the introvert, many times, likes that the other has those skills.


Personally, I would not be interested in someone who I had to really draw everything out of and who couldn't volley the conversation - even after efforts to help the person. Being married to such a person would not be fun - especially as communication is a HUGE part of any relationship. A person who simply cannot or will not communicate loses out on a lot of emotional intimacy in life and their partner tends to feel very cheated.


JavaJava5
 
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pinz is offline pinz Post #10  September 23,2008, 6:17am
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Ok, my two pinz.


I 'dated' an extremely shy guy for awhile ... On the surface seemingly 'timid' and very pleasing ie. "NICE". But after a while I started noticing some pretty strange behaviour. Most notable was that, in very simple terms, it was ALL about him. There were no fits of rage, no tantrums or explosive emotional outbursts, just a very STEADY and persistent 'attitude' that the world revolved around him. I CONCLUDED that he was a massively 'passive aggressive' EGOMANIAC and moved on ...


On the other hand, my mum is a natural chatterbox, my dad was the 'strong silent type'. When he did 'blow' it was with a quick and decisive anger, like he'd hit his limit of her yabbering ... She'd go dead quiet and tip toe around him for an hour or so. I often wondered about this aspect of their behaviour, cuz usually he loved her prattling away. This was very clear. She can be very funny and very entertaining. I do think she did, at times, deliberately 'push it' to just get 'a rise' or 'response' out of him. She'd sure get it alright. Then we saw the 'srong' man she married. (He was never 'mean', he just HIT HIS LIMIT, and that was it.)


From my own perspective it wasn't the BEST way, but it was their way and they managed for 57 years before he died.


So, in conclusion, shy and quiet does not mean TIMID or UNTHINKING. In fact, it CAN mean the complete converse.


In this instance for the OP, I'd say, proceed with caution. I personally like a bit more 'give & take', 'up & down', 'ebb & flow' when communicating with language ....
 
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