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lada lada is offline
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lada hello? hello? ios this fphone still working?

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I, too, catalogue the proportion of time spent in conversation (on phone). I can carry on a conversation, but when I feel that I am having to interject, I lose interest. most of the matches I have conversed with have spoken the majority of words, usually about themselves. I also make note of what is NOT said, glossed over, avoided. And how they respond to my input.


as to your shy friend...I have had similar things happen to me. I found a video tape this weekend of my buddy jump, that was done as part of a psych experiment. I was wearing a Holter monitor (that counts heart rates). Everyone else that jumped increased their heart rate...I slowed down, to 50./ On the tape, people are asking before the jump isf I am alright, because I was so quiet. In stress situations: I become hypervigilatnt, and speak less. Much less. I am more interested in the other. Perhaps something like this happens to your date, too. It seems to be a controlled form of panic attack.
- September 23rd, 2008, 08:35 am
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pinz is away for a bit ... HAVE FUN.

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p.s. It's been said that 'opposites attract'.


I'm not 100% sure about that. But it has been said.
- September 23rd, 2008, 08:41 am
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This is a great question to ask! I would follow last12c's advice and get the guy to state why he's so quiet. Perhaps there might be something which causes him to seem not interested in you. I haven't dated much in my life and I've discovered several reasons why things don't go well when I do go out on dates with women. One of these things is the way I communicate to women. I'm usually not the first one to initiate the conversation. I mostly stay quiet, but I do send non-verbal signals to others that I'm still interested in their conversations. If people bring up an engaging subject such as travel or spiritual issues, I get excited and want to get involved in contributing to the conversation. I am diligently working on not just my communication skills, but other issues as well - issues which are also critical for a healthy relationship.
- September 23rd, 2008, 09:39 am
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Gr8Guyn2008 Gr8Guyn2008 is offline
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I am quite and shyand on a date nervous and scared. But I can open up and carry on a conversation with the right person, someone who can draw me out, it really is not dificult. I don't know exactly what it is that make it work for me but some people work with me and some don't. If I am with someone who is not "good" at keeping up the conversation then there will be a lot of silence. I have been on quite a few dates where the conversation lasted for hours.


Also if I am with a chatterbox that asks questions and won't wait for me to answer I will finally just ask them if they want to shut up and let me answer a question or two tey have asked. They usually will shut up for a little bit.
- September 23rd, 2008, 09:51 am
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I haven't "dated" much, but have met the shy, quiet people. If I like them (or want to like them) I'll really try to ask question that force something more than a yes-no answer and I do give them time to answer. But honestly, while I'm not a life-of-the-party type of extrovert, I DO like lively conversation, even if it's meaningless. When I'm together with my friends it's nonstop talk, people talking over other people, having to say "SHUT UP I'M TRYING TO TELL A STORY HERE" (and no offense taken by any). I honestly think I wouldn't last too long in a relationship with someone who couldn't interact like that (given time to become more comfortable with me, of course). I just couldn't be with someone who couldn't be around OTHERS, no matter how great the conversations might be when we were alone. He would have to be gently relegated to a "friends" category.
- September 23rd, 2008, 10:11 am
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I should probably clarify that the gentleman that I saw wasn't totally devoid of communication skills. I definitely gave him time to answer questions and add anything if he liked. It's just that after answering the question it would just lull into silence. Then I would ask another question or add things, and when it came to me talking he didn't really nod his head, didn't give me a lot of eye contact, nor would he ask any follow up questions. So it again would lull into silence.
No ebb and flow type of conversation. I can liken it to starting up a motor, going a few feet and then the engine stopping, then starting up the engine again, etc. At least we shared a few laughs, but that can't hold a conversation up either.
I have a feeling there will not be a second date, but I'll keep you posted.
- September 23rd, 2008, 02:18 pm
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Jester V Jester V is offline
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I am one of the quieter of the quiet types. Added to that is the fact that I am one who must wiegh his responses before giving them. I'm usually sitting there mulling over how the conversation is going to progress: "If I say this, then they'll say this." "But, if I say this, then they'll say this." The dolt that I am, I'm considering several different directions the conversation could take before my tongue ever gets out the gate. I'm thinking, "If I say it this way, she'll take it that way." "If I say it that way, she'll take it this way."


I tend to slow down a lot of conversations. It's not that I can't think quickly on my feet. It's that I'm thinking too quickly. I've got several scenarios running through my head and I have to slow the gears down a little so I can choose one of the scenarios.


And I'll find myself saying something like, "If you'll give me just a second, I want to make sure I phrase this just right so you won't get the wrong idea or impression." Or, "I want to say this so you'll not misunderstand what I mean." And then after I said it, I usually ask, "Does that make sense?" Not because I think they're too dense to grasp it, but because I'm not sure I said it right.


I've been in situations where I've just blurted something out and they tried to stab me with a fork, and I'm thinking, "What did I say?" Two days later I'll be replaying the conversation and it'll hit me, and I'll say to myself, "Oh. Wow. I guess I should have phrased that a little differently."
- September 23rd, 2008, 03:24 pm
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AUSshyRick AUSshyRick is offline
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I apolagise if I may seem alittle rude saying this but, I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that a few of the replys to this thread were gairly rude.
Just because we are quiet people it doesn't mean where disfunctional. Where people to and maybe this guy was having a bad week and needed someone to talk to but didn't know how.

I don't see why some of your replys have to be so criticising. Where human too, we have feelings, its people like you who can be so careless towards anothers feelings that cause most of us to be so hush.

Some people just find it easier to be the listener and rather give another person someone to talk to. Have you ever talked to a brickwall? I havnt, but I'm sure if you were confused and you spoke your thoughts out loud receiving no reply you will still get somewhere with your problem. If any of that made sense to you guys it should be easier for yous to find some comfort in our company
Peace
- July 20th, 2009, 01:52 pm
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A little shyness, especially at parties where the person doesn't know anyone...is understandable. But one on one dating...sure people can get nervous a little, but they should be able to still hold their own in a conversation.

In these cases, if you think there's potential with a shy guy or girl, then turn the conversation to things they are interested in. People tend to love to talk about their favorite hobbies or a recent exciting trip they took. Even the most introverted person will open up on the right topic.
- July 20th, 2009, 04:45 pm
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Wootz Wootz is offline
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Believe it or not (for those that know me…) I am horrendously shy. Really, really quiet in public, most of the time. I listen a lot and try to weigh my responses because, sort of like Jester V, if I blurt something out, things usually turn out bad. There are as many reasons to be quiet as there are quiet people, obviously, but some that I don’t think haven’t been mentioned are…

Are you really, smokingly, kick-the-lid-off-your-coffin gorgeous? There’s a girl at my bookstore like this. Brown hair, big brown eyes, beautiful smile… unfathomably beautiful, I can’t do her justice in print. She’s also rather quiet, so there is a lot of silence when we speak… personally, because I can’t get my tongue unglued from the roof of my mouth long enough to speak, or maybe that’s getting enough blood to my brain to complete an English sentence without drawn out "uhhh" or "ahhh" coming into play. If you are really that hawt, then give the poor guy time to reboot his brain. Trust me, it may take a while, but it can be worth the wait…

His brain is somewhere else. Not always "I had a *really* bad week," it can be a lot of things. Some personal issue he doesn’t feel close enough to share with you… yet. Generally, this would be a "postpone date" moment for me- I wouldn’t want to put anyone through this- but people do it.

He want’s to say something, but doesn’t know how, or if he even should. Ok, so that’s kind of like Last12C’s spinach in the teeth- great way to inject humour, there! But this is like the above. It may not be time to say something just yet.

The easiest, best, most surefire way to draw out us shy introverts is somehow winkle out what drives us. If there is nothing that does, flee! But usually, we have interests just like everybody else. Some of us have very weird interests, like dancing in parking lots… *grin* Getting these things out in the open can lead to some great conversations. I’ve had some awesome philosophical discussions like this, and it is a good way to get to know how another person thinks, and how that fits with you. Very useful, if you’re headed for the long term… *grin*

I try to really think things out before I speak, which is great for online message boards where I can take my time *grin* but can cause some long silences in real life. Especially when arguing- I tend to measure my responses very carefully then. I think, for the right person, this would be very worth it. Someone who is also a thinker might enjoy this kind of shyness. *grin* Good luck to all you effortlessly social people when dealing with "my kind-" just be patient and attentive- like you would be with anyone else, just more the former in this case.
- July 20th, 2009, 05:48 pm
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