How long should I wait for chemistry?

How long should I wait for chemistry?

This discussion is based on an Advice article:
How long should I wait for chemistry?


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
eharmonyadvice is offline eharmonyadvice — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  October 19,2007, 8:30pm

Moderator

Joined: Oct 2007

Pasadena, CA

Posts: 848

See profile

Dear Dr. Warren,
I recently went out with an eHarmony match. I could go on and on listing his great traits, but I never felt a sense of chemistry. Will that come later?
 
  Reply With Quote
8806Sarah is offline 8806Sarah Post #2  October 25,2007, 1:04am
8806Sarah's Avatar

Unregistered

Joined: Oct 2007

(no location)

Posts: 1

See profile

I quite agree with Dr. Warren, if after dating someone a few times and there is no chemistry, then I'd move on. Chemistry is the drive that keeps you going, It's more than sexual chemistry it's that "oomph" that you feel when you think of that person and that person thinks of you. Chemistry is very individual but it's important. Like the old saying goes, You can't light a fire without a spark.
 
  Reply With Quote
8816gina is offline 8816gina Post #3  October 25,2007, 6:13am
8816gina's Avatar

Unregistered

Joined: Oct 2007

(no location)

Posts: 1

See profile

Great question!!!! and great answer. I have found myself in this situation before. You meet a great person, you have a great time, but nothing... I usually ask myself can I see myself kissing this person.... After 3 dates if I can't imagine it then I know there is no chemistry.
 
  Reply With Quote
8818ChristineThomforde is offline 8818ChristineThomforde Post #4  October 25,2007, 6:40am
8818Christine…'s Avatar

Unregistered

Joined: Oct 2007

(no location)

Posts: 1

See profile

Wow, Thank you. This is very helpful. I have been out on several dates with a wonderful match, but feel absolutely no pull toward him. I've also gone out with what seems like a very poor match, yet we feel like a magnet is pulling us together despite ourselves.
 
  Reply With Quote
8862Karen is offline 8862Karen Post #5  October 25,2007, 12:11pm
8862Karen's Avatar

Unregistered

Joined: Oct 2007

(no location)

Posts: 1

See profile

In response to Mandy's letter regarding chemistry, I would like to add an additional thought.
As men and women age, hormone levels such as thyroid, testoterone, estrogen, progesterone and so on, decrease. Stress, poor diet, over-all fatigue and emotional factors also deplete the body's ability to produce needed hormones. The result is a decreased sex drive resulting in a "lack of chemistry" problem.
Remember, women need testoterone as well as men and both should consult a specialist in age related maladies.
With the new awarness of this problem, partially helped by authors such as Susan Summer's and the aging baby boomers quest for quality of life, many doctors are becoming more educated in this area. If your m.d. is not keeping up with the times, a quick internet search should open new options for you.
It is a good idea to keep on top of this situation as these and many more hormones aren't just nessesary for sex drive. They are nessesary for "life" and the abundance of good health.
In my opinion,
Karen
 
  Reply With Quote
8867AmyK. is offline 8867AmyK. Post #6  October 25,2007, 1:19pm
8867AmyK.'s Avatar

Unregistered

Joined: Oct 2007

(no location)

Posts: 1

See profile

I think this may have been the answer to my question! I have been seeing a match for months and everything has been very comfortable. We get along amazingly well, but just seem to be hanging out. I'm not the type to initiate so although I felt something, I've been making all kinds of excuses for why nothing has happened. Apparently, it could just be that we're trying to keep going in the chance that something will spark? How to know when to just walk away?
 
  Reply With Quote
8878Sarah is offline 8878Sarah Post #7  October 25,2007, 2:42pm
8878Sarah's Avatar

Unregistered

Joined: Oct 2007

(no location)

Posts: 1

See profile

For Amy K,
I feel what you're saying. I decided to try to turn a friendship into a romantic relationship and it just didn't work because neither of us felt the "spark". We're still friends and things didn't progress into the physical, but I lacked the desire to kiss him, though, I rallied and did it and felt nothing. You said you're not the type to initiate, but you felt something, so perhaps you should initiate in this case especially if you're wondering if there will be a spark. If you walk away without trying, you'll always wonder. If this guy has proven to be good to you in many ways, it's worth it to take the initiative and try to light the fire. You don't have to sleep with the guy, but you can make some phsyical overtures. I've experienced both sides. I was in love with this guy and we had great chemistry, (though not initially), especially physical chemistry, but we had a connection as well, however that so-called "chemistry" was not enough for us to succeed because this guy was such an emotionally unhealthy man and one I wouldn't wish on any woman at least until he learned to "man up" which I doubt. So ladies, be cautious, chemistry alone is not a precursor to a good relationship. My advice is to read Dr. Bethany Marshall's book entitled "Deal Breakers". Just because you have good "chemistry" with a guy doesn't make you happy if he is lacking in other areas that count. If you're dating someone and you've initiated a spark in the hopes to develop that chemistry and you see it isn't happening on your end or his, then it is time to move on. However, don't end up with a jerk just because he makes your heart beat faster. Remember a chair cannot stand stable on 3 legs, all 4 legs have to be balanced. Chemistry is just one of the 4 "legs" in a relationship, while it is important, if that is the only thing your relationship has going for it and the other "legs" are wobbly, you're not much better off.
 
  Reply With Quote
8883Simone is offline 8883Simone Post #8  October 25,2007, 3:36pm
8883Simone's Avatar

Unregistered

Joined: Oct 2007

(no location)

Posts: 1

See profile

I absolutely agree, no chemistry, no future. I was seeing a guy for five months, I kept waiting for chemistry to kick in. It never did. You couldn't ask for a better person. sweet, thoughtful, understanding, but without chemisty it is like dating your brother. I didn't want to waste his time anymore, I had to break it off and walk away. He deserves someone who can return his affection. Both of you need to have the same attraction to each other.
 
  Reply With Quote
8884smilingeyes is offline 8884smilingeyes Post #9  October 25,2007, 3:37pm
8884smilingey…'s Avatar

Unregistered

Joined: Oct 2007

(no location)

Posts: 1

See profile

Wow ,all of the above is so real. I meet a guy on line, from the first date,we had chemistry,and it got better as months went on, exactly 5 months, we shared alot of our lives together until ,his passion for me stopped one day. His excuse was stress from work,and he ask me to support him and give him time if I had any feels, of which I indeed did,so I did,only to realize that our courtship was going overboard on his side. To end the courtship, as we say in the HISPANIC WORLD, he had realized that all was going to fast, and created an excuse of extreme hurt,humility towards me, with regards to my appearance and active life, I say after 5 months, this is a vary Heavy Rejection, but time heals, and I hope , no other woman has gone though this (hurt ,humility and sadness).

Till me , why do MEN hurt WOMEN, when their lives are changing for the better,and a single person does not want to change their world, but become apart of it.
 
  Reply With Quote
8894Mike is offline 8894Mike Post #10  October 25,2007, 4:10pm
8894Mike's Avatar

Unregistered

Joined: Oct 2007

(no location)

Posts: 1

See profile

Very interesting article. I've been wanting to know for some time exactly what "chemistry" is. I've only been in one (rather short) relationship, and in it, I enjoyed talking to the girl, looked forward to being with her, missed her when she was gone, and so on. It seemed to me that chemistry was there, but she felt I had little excitement for her... wasn't pursuing her. When I realized she was probably right, we broke it off. I'm still left wondering if that was the right decision. So I'd love to get some feedback on how you know when you're truly "excited" about someone, and if this is even important. Is excitement just a meaningless infatuation, or does a certain lack of excitement truly indicate that you're with the wrong person? And what *is* excitement anyway, if you seem to have at least some chemistry with the person?
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Good E-mail but No Spark | Ask a Dating Expert | How long should I wait for a girl? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“It's important to understand the way a site works. Rigidly assuming / insisting that eH works likes all the others you're used to isn't utilizing the site functions to your best advantage. No.... ... ” –  Wiseman2

Join the “First contact on eHarmony, smile, questions, email?” discussion

“ If you have yet to meet, you don't know him or whether you two will form a connection. Connections formed over e-mail tend to be fantasies. You will see this echoed over and over by experienced ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “How do i recoonect with him again?” discussion

“ Then it's a bit premature to worry about being friend-zoned. The first step is to go out on dates! What specific steps did you try? How many women did you ask out in person? Did you buy a ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “For women to answer: How to avoid the friend zone” discussion

“ This is an old thread. She asked this in 2010. By now they are likely very exclusive or very over. ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “is there a reason to ask if we're exclusive?” discussion

“ I'm sure he wouldn't get that. And I can't be sure that was the actual message. But it sems kind of likely to me.” –  boomer_gal

Join the “Why am I not successful?” discussion

“Hi eccemuliere and welcome to eHA.On an internet forum like eHA, you're going to get a wide variety of responses; some you'll like and some you won't. It's best to focus on the ones that speak to ... ” –  Sassafras54

Join the “Being blown off, or something else?” discussion

“ Although I have ignored my gut at times, in hindsight it's always been right, in terms of recognizing bad choices. QUOTE] But once we realize our past mistakes, we can use our reason to clue us ... ” –  eccemuliere

Join the “Is Your Gut Leading - or Misleading You?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 4:15am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0