How many times can you break up before it


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Tanker is offline Tanker Post #1  February 20,2008, 3:45pm
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I met a woman that I thought I wanted to marry but we have fought almost constantly. It over my kids or forgetting to call or something something minor it always seems. I moved away for a job and that caused allsorts of problems so I agreed to move back got a job and then we fought again and I turned the job down. I thought it was over and took the job and now she says the breakup is for real. I like to think we love each other so much is why we fight but I'm sure that's naive. Has anyone fought like crazy and finally reached some sort of peace once they understand each other. I've never cheated on her, abuse or anything but the fighting hurts alot of feelings and I wonder how much is too much damage. Am i just afraid to start over with someone else, is she? I'm 52 she's 39 and I think we both feel like we don't have all the time in the world
 
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SpringfieldMark is offline SpringfieldMark Post #2  February 21,2008, 10:27am
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If you are constantly fighting, then that is a red flag to me. No relationship is going to be perfect without a fight or two, but if you find yourself fighting more than anything else, especially over major issues, then perhaps it is time to move on. Also, based only on what you wrote, it seems like you are the only one making any changes to appease her. Relationships should go both ways with a little give and take on each side. If one is doing all the giving and the other is doing all the taking, then that will never change. She will always use you and you will always let her use her simply because you think you love her. While you may in fact love her, she needs to show that she loves you too by being flexible as well.
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #3  February 21,2008, 10:32am
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Tanker, I was in a 3 year, live-in relationship with a man whom I loved VERY much and who loved me very much. The fighting became non-stop. It was terrible. Hurtful, damaging, exhausting and really overshadowed every other aspect of our relationship, and to a great extent our lives. The breaking up and getting back together was continuous. Sound vaguely familiar??

I'm here to say that YES, eventually I did find a sense of peace. The more I embraced this new understanding and this inner peace the better all things became. HOWEVER, I only found this peace and understanding when I realized one important thing. He and I were not ever meant to be together. I loved him and he loved me, but love isn't always enough. LOVE doesn't necessarily make a relationship good, healthy, worthwhile or the "right" relationship.

Only you can determine for you if you are afraid of starting over. Look at the alternative though, what's more frightening - starting over and having fun doing it, opening yourself up to the possibility of something wonderful, OR keep on going with this kind of relationship??

It took months after I ended the relationship for my exbf to come to peace with things. Once he did, however, we were able to remain 'friendly' and still do talk occasionally. It is so much better now, and I realize that we are supposed to be in each others lives, though NOT in a romantic way whatsoever.

I've been so happy and feel so FREE since my realization and action. Only you know for yourself, but I wanted to share my experience with you in case there is something you can take from it. Good luck! :-)
 
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BSchorr is offline BSchorr Post #4  February 21,2008, 11:24am
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I think Lucky has it nailed - too much fighting is a definite red flag. Only you (and she) know if you'd rather be alone than have to deal with all the fighting. But the thing is, if you're hurting each other emotionally that doesn't sound like a very loving relationship.

I understand the fear of starting over. But when you finally DO find that person you're compatible with and can have a healthy, loving, happy relationship with you won't find yourself wishing you could have had two more fights with this lady.

-B-
 
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Sarah is offline Sarah Post #5  February 21,2008, 12:49pm
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I agree with everything that was said, but would just like to add a thought.Some people fight because they don't really know how to communicate. There are self helpbooks out there on fighting fair and better communication.I hear you say that you fight all of the time,but I'm wondering if it has to always come down to fighting. I also know that it takes two people to fight.

It does seem like you have made a lot of concessions inyour relationship in an effort to appease your lady love. However without knowing details, like how often do you forget to call, or what exactly are youfighting about concerningyour kids, it is hard to offer advise. I know there are three sides to a story, yours hers and the truth that lies in between.

People often fight out of frustration. I don't like to argue either, however if I'vetried to communicate with someone over an issue or concern and I'm repeatdely stonewalled, then I'll get frustrating and sometimes that would lead to an argument. What may seem minor to you, may not be minor to her. Did you all discussthe feasibility of thejob that youmoved away to take, before you took it? Why are you fighting now after you've back? I'm just not getting enough information to be able to offer any advise. It's not enough to say you're fighting all of the time and therefore you should move on. What is causing you to fight? What are you doing that is provoking her and what is she doing that is provoking you? What are the two of you doing that is constantly provoking both of you to argue constantly. I'm sure that isn't the first line of communication between you. Fighting is usually the last step. Is it habit?

If two people want to work on their relationship, which you've indicated that she is no longer interested, but if two people are interested, they can fix the figthing by learning how to communicate with each other more effectively.
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #6  February 21,2008, 1:24pm
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I like what BSchorr has to say,although my opinion of it is a bit... tweaked, I think isa good word. I would remove the (and she) part of the 2nd sentence.

I've learned that although a relationship takes compromise, among other things, it's the individuals within that relationship that must decideand KNOW for themselves what they need/want, works/doesn't work, etc. Too many things cannot be decided mutually.

So in this instance, I'd say itis solely and simply up to you Tanker.Would you rather be alone,than have the fighting?Or not be alone and take a chance the fighting continues and escalates? Which would work better for YOU?

Of course there is always the hope that the two of you can come together and learn ways to not only stop the fighting, but work toward rebuilding any damage that has been done. And again, that is something only YOU can decide for yourself.

I also think thatin 'starting over', it's first and foremost important to have and create a healthy, loving and happy relationship *with ourselves* in order to share that kind of relationship with another person.

 
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DianaInHouston is offline DianaInHouston Post #7  February 21,2008, 3:15pm
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Tanker, wrote :
I met a woman that I thought I wanted to marry but we have fought almost constantly. It over my kids or forgetting to call or something something minor it always seems. I moved away for a job and that caused allsorts of problems so I agreed to move back got a job and then we fought again and I turned the job down. I thought it was over and took the job and now she says the breakup is for real. I like to think we love each other so much is why we fight but I'm sure that's naive. Has anyone fought like crazy and finally reached some sort of peace once they understand each other. I've never cheated on her, abuse or anything but the fighting hurts alot of feelings and I wonder how much is too much damage. Am i just afraid to start over with someone else, is she? I'm 52 she's 39 and I think we both feel like we don't have all the time in the world
If you are fighting alot now I can only imagine how much you are going to fight once you get married. I would either seek couplescounseling or close that door for good.

Good luck!
 
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chrlesmd is offline chrlesmd Post #8  February 23,2008, 8:32pm
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Constant fighting isn't a good sign. It generally means that first, you're not resolving issues. They just keep resurfacing. Secondly, it may also mean that one or both of you don't know how to fight. Fighting is normal in relationships, but the ultimate goal of a fight or augument is to revolve it so it doesn't resurface. You have to look at it this way, a relationship is a mirror into your future with this person...if it's that bad now, it's not going to get better unless something changes. And "time" is no reason to get back into a bad relationship.
 
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chrlesmd is offline chrlesmd Post #9  February 23,2008, 8:42pm
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lucky173,62973 wrote :

I like what BSchorr has to say,although my opinion of it is a bit... tweaked, I think isa good word. I would remove the (and she) part of the 2nd sentence.

I've learned that although a relationship takes compromise, among other things, it's the individuals within that relationship that must decideand KNOW for themselves what they need/want, works/doesn't work, etc. Too many things cannot be decided mutually.

So in this instance, I'd say itis solely and simply up to you Tanker.Would you rather be alone,than have the fighting?Or not be alone and take a chance the fighting continues and escalates? Which would work better for YOU?

Of course there is always the hope that the two of you can come together and learn ways to not only stop the fighting, but work toward rebuilding any damage that has been done. And again, that is something only YOU can decide for yourself.

I also think thatin 'starting over', it's first and foremost important to have and create a healthy, loving and happy relationship *with ourselves* in order to share that kind of relationship with another person.
I think the "starting over" theory is a misnomer. You can't start over completely. You will always have those experiences and memories, good and bad,from the first go round. And to be honest, if you get back together, and you start fighting again, it's going to seem exactly the same as before. Just know that, if you're going to do this, it's going to take a lot of work...from both of you.



And lucky's right...you need to know what you want from a relationship and whether you can get those things from her and vice versa, whether you can give her what she needs. I've been in that sort of relationship before, where you have good chemistry and passion, but way too much fighting. Relationships do take work...and they require regular maintenance...but when it's right, they shouldn't take that much work.
 
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argytunes is offline argytunes Post #10  February 25,2008, 4:50am
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Just to take things from a slightly different direction...I think men and women who don't get along often need to take A TIME OUT! Eventually, one or both partners(once they've cooled down) will apologize or make an attempt to address the problem.

Most couples blow itwhen they ignorean issueand temporarily sweep it aside. Ultimately, the same problem(s) will come up again and again.

Like many others have indicated earlier...it's great when 2 people can work out their differences and come together. But the sad truth is: no matter how hard we may try for harmony...all matches AREN'T going to last forever....

argytunes
 
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