He drinks every night....should I be worried?


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tinydanzer is offline tinydanzer Post #1  August 30,2008, 7:36pm
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I've been talking to this guy I met online for the past month. He seems really nice and a great catch. We plan on meeting soon, hopefully. However he likes to drink, a lot. He says he has a drink every night before he goes to bed. He also gets together with friends and parties like it's college nearly every weekend.

Part of me is really turned off by this. Then again part of me thinks it might change when he gets settled into a relationship. Am I just being nieve (sp)? Or should I be worried?
 
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mtw is offline mtw Post #2  August 30,2008, 7:53pm
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Yes, you probably should be worried. If you are uncomfortable with that much drinking now, don't fool yourself- people mostly do not change when they are in a relationship. Even if you express concern about how much he drinks and he changes for you, he will hold it over your head that he did it and most likely will eventually go back to doing it again.








I was in a serious relationship with a man who said he did not have a drinking problem, I felt he did. When we were first talking (we met on another dating site, not EH) he said he liked to have a beer when grilling or watching sports on tv. The reality was that he drank a WHOLE LOT more than he told me at first. He was argumentative when he'd been drinking but refused to see any problem with his behaviour. Since I had told him I was concerned about it early on, every time I tried to bring up something he said while imbibing, his response was that I was just nitpicking because I "don't like drinking". (Yes, I do drink and I did back then just not every day or to excess).








Sorry but unless you want to party hearty along with him- he's probably not a good choice.
 
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Songryder is offline Songryder Post #3  August 31,2008, 3:16am
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tinydanzer, wrote :

I've been talking to this guy I met online for the past month. He seems really nice and a great catch. We plan on meeting soon, hopefully. However he likes to drink, a lot. He says he has a drink every night before he goes to bed. He also gets together with friends and parties like it's college nearly every weekend. Part of me is really turned off by this. Then again part of me thinks it might change when he gets settled into a relationship. Am I just being nieve (sp)? Or should I be worried?
Don't get caught in that trap . . . I did and ya know what? An alcoholic never changes unless "they" want to. I dated a guy for two years with the same isssues always thinking that maybe if I showed him that I was committed that he would settle down, but the truth is, it's not about settling down, it's about dealing with an addiction and nothing else matters to this guy . . . or anyone who gets in the way of the addiction. The guy I was with was amazingly charming, highly intelligent with a quick wit, very sophisticated and our attraction was very intense, but in the end, heturned out to bepompous and arrogant and had a very bad temper. . . as well as being in complete denial of the issue that was ruining the relationship in the first place. He was one way in public and quite another in private, so I'd take the red flag and run.


Don't go into this relationship thinking you're going to save him. He's bating you for that. It's classic alcoholic behavior. He's a blast to hang out with and he's probably very popular in social situations, but privately it could turn into your worst nightmare. I loved this man for the person I knew he was inside, but at the end of the day, I couldn't deal with his outward behavior and it infected every area of the relationship. Just a heads up here.
 
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Flyfishingbuffalo is offline Flyfishingbuffalo Post #4  August 31,2008, 4:40am
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tinydanzer, wrote :

I've been talking to this guy I met online for the past month. He seems really nice and a great catch. We plan on meeting soon, hopefully. However he likes to drink, a lot. He says he has a drink every night before he goes to bed. He also gets together with friends and parties like it's college nearly every weekend. Part of me is really turned off by this. Then again part of me thinks it might change when he gets settled into a relationship. Am I just being nieve (sp)? Or should I be worried?
My gut reaction would be to say, yes, you should be worried, but a little more information would be good. Does this guy live alone? Does he knock back 3 or 4 drinks at home by himself every night, or is he out with friends? Does he get together with friends for the sole purpose of partying, or is the partying part of something else? Do you communicate with him while he is drinking?, and if so, is he drunk?


When I was single I lived by myself, and worked second shift. Most nights I would stop off at a little bar, have a few beers, talk to friends, and shoot some pool before going home. It was nice to talk to people rather than go home to an empty house every night. My weekends often included a lot of drinking and partying as well, but most of the time it was secondary to something else. Like we would get together to help a friend with a major project around the house or yard, and there would be a lot of drinking going on too. When I met my wife, she wasn't much of a drinker, and neither were her family or friends. I seldom drank after we met. I look back on it and can see I had fallen into a pattern or lifestyle that involved a lot of drinking with out really realizing how much I was drinking. I didn't miss it at all.


So what you need to find out about this guy is has he fallen into a lifestyle that revolves around partying, or is he an alcoholic that won't be able to stop.
 
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nancymargrit is offline nancymargrit Post #5  August 31,2008, 5:08am

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I agree with everyone else here - you should be worried. I had two uncles who were alcoholics and they're never going to change. You're life is going to be miserable if you stick with this guy.
 
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tinydanzer is offline tinydanzer Post #6  August 31,2008, 5:27am
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Flyfishingbuffalo,240035 wrote :
tinydanzer, wrote :

I've been talking to this guy I met online for the past month. He seems really nice and a great catch. We plan on meeting soon, hopefully. However he likes to drink, a lot. He says he has a drink every night before he goes to bed. He also gets together with friends and parties like it's college nearly every weekend. Part of me is really turned off by this. Then again part of me thinks it might change when he gets settled into a relationship. Am I just being nieve (sp)? Or should I be worried?
My gut reaction would be to say, yes, you should be worried, but a little more information would be good. Does this guy live alone? Does he knock back 3 or 4 drinks at home by himself every night, or is he out with friends? Does he get together with friends for the sole purpose of partying, or is the partying part of something else? Do you communicate with him while he is drinking?, and if so, is he drunk?


When I was single I lived by myself, and worked second shift. Most nights I would stop off at a little bar, have a few beers, talk to friends, and shoot some pool before going home. It was nice to talk to people rather than go home to an empty house every night. My weekends often included a lot of drinking and partying as well, but most of the time it was secondary to something else. Like we would get together to help a friend with a major project around the house or yard, and there would be a lot of drinking going on too. When I met my wife, she wasn't much of a drinker, and neither were her family or friends. I seldom drank after we met. I look back on it and can see I had fallen into a pattern or lifestyle that involved a lot of drinking with out really realizing how much I was drinking. I didn't miss it at all.


So what you need to find out about this guy is has he fallen into a lifestyle that revolves around partying, or is he an alcoholic that won't be able to stop.
Well right now he is living with his folks, moving in with his brother next week. He seems to only drink excessively when he is around a big group of friends. Like a week ago he was at a wedding and drank a lot there. This week he was at a football game. He never talks to me when he is really really drunk, unless he hides it well. But he has talked to me when he has had a few drinks. I've told him about my lifestyle and how I don't drink much. He seems fine with it. The way things happened with you seem to be what I want to happen, flyfish. But who knows....
 
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noseyparker is offline noseyparker Post #7  August 31,2008, 9:36am
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I just ended a year plus long association with a man whose drinking habits bothered me. I discussed the situation with some men and women whose views I respect. They tell me its a sign of a fundamental flaw, and unlikely to change. His recent actions convinced me they were right.


Nevertheless, many women fear being alone. They rationalize staying in the relationship, hoping for a change, rather than accept their inability to change him.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #8  August 31,2008, 11:25am

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I would be worried, yes.
 
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Court10 is offline Court10 Post #9  August 31,2008, 6:13pm
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tinydanzer, wrote :

I've been talking to this guy I met online for the past month. He seems really nice and a great catch. We plan on meeting soon, hopefully. However he likes to drink, a lot. He says he has a drink every night before he goes to bed. He also gets together with friends and parties like it's college nearly every weekend. Part of me is really turned off by this. Then again part of me thinks it might change when he gets settled into a relationship. Am I just being nieve (sp)? Or should I be worried?
I was niave for two years and the more I brought it up, the worse it got. You can't fix him. Get out before you start dating an addiction.
 
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tinydanzer is offline tinydanzer Post #10  August 31,2008, 6:23pm
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thank you everyone for the advice!!
 
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