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cakewalk cakewalk is offline
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cakewalk the world is so cold that im the bold sent to keep it warm

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how do you let go of someone who you spent the last 2 years with and in love with who that person was but then have to give it up when they began to change and wanted other things
- August 5th, 2008, 08:26 am
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irishbrian irishbrian is offline
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What comes to mind here are the 5 stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Where are you at? I mean this sincerely.


I myself spent nearly two years of my life being quite emotionally-involved with a woman. We dated on-and-off during those two years, but were always together. I finally ended it a few months ago and it was quite rough at first, but I'm at peace with that decision now and harbor no hard feelings toward her and wish her only the best. However, we no longer associate at all and it's best that way (but we are civil when we encounter each other publicly). I'm much happier now. It took me 3 months to move through the 5 stages. It's important as men to openly acknowledge our feelings, validate them in a masculine way, and then remain grounded in the fact that we shouldn't tether our self-esteem too closely to others. My self-esteem was so closely associated with her that I was crushed whenever the relationship started to go south. Yes, it's natural when you make yourself vulnerable. However, there's an enormous difference between vulnerability and co-dependency. I learned my lesson well!


So, no wise or comforting words here, brother. You just have to grieve and the pain will diminish over time.
- August 5th, 2008, 08:47 am
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katiebird04 katiebird04 is offline
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Hi cakewalk,


I read your profile and your comment here. Interesting because I am going thru the same things just about. I was seeing a man and then in the course of about 2 weeks, something happened. Things changed and when we finally "had it out" so to speak (because he didn't want to talk about anything), he said he just felt different and wanted time alone. Could be another woman, could be he fear of commitment (that he told me he had), could be me. I don't know, he won't tell me.


It's been a tough couple of months.


I agree with irish brian but they come in different times.


Fear of not getting them back or of being alone.


Love as in still loving them even though they are not with you anymore and you look back and remember the good times.


Anger: because after you remember the love, you get angry at them for doing this to you or that you are in this situation.


Depressionis a normal part of my life, so I don't think of that as being a "stage" but I guess it is for most people.


I have been thru all of these again and again. They are like a circle that you keep going thru. It's been 3 months and I am just starting to recover and have reached "acceptance". Some what anyhow. I still have questions. I still want to know if it was something I did wrong. If it was, he isn't going to tell me. I still like him but the other feelings are slipping away. I'm glad for that. It is making life easier.


My only advice would be: leave them alone as much as possible. If your always running to them to try toget them to take you back, they go quicker in the other direction.


Learn from it. Feel the pain when it comes and then try to put it away for awhile. An hour, a day. whatever. As time goes on it will be more...a week or a month.


Good luck cakewalk. Life isn't a cakewalk when you feel like this. It will get better someday. Soon I hope.


Hi cakewalk,


I read your profile and youe comment here. Interesting becuase I am going thru the same things just about. I was seeing a man and then in the course of about 2 weeks, something happened. Things changed and when we finally "had it out" so to speak (becuase he didn't want to talk about anything), he said he just felt different and wanted time alone. Could be another woman, could be he fear of committment (that he told me he had), could be me. I don't know, he won't tell me.


It's been a tough couple of months.


I agree with irish brian but they come in different times.


Fear of not getting them back or of being alone.


Love as in still loving them even though they are not with you anymore and you look back and remember the good times.


Anger: because after you remember the love, you get angry at them for doing this to you or that you are in this situation.


Depressionis a normal part of my life, so I don't think of that as being a "stage" but I guess it is for most people.


I have been thru all of these again and again. They are like a circle that you keep going thru. It's been 3 months and I am just starting to recover and have reached "acceptance". Some what anyhow. I still have questions. I still want to know if it was something I did wrong. If it was, he isn't going to tell me. I still like him but the other feelings are slipping away. I'm glad for that. It is making life easier.


My only advice would be: leave them alone as much as possible. If your always running to them to try toget them to take you back, they go quicker in the other direction.


Learn from it. Feel the pain when it comes and then try to put it away for awhile. An hour, a day. whatever. As time goes on it will be more...a week or a month.


Good luck cakewalk. Lofe isn't a cakewalk when you feel like this. It will get better someday. Soon I hope.








Katiebird04





- August 5th, 2008, 09:36 am
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SORRY THAT DOUBLED. I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
- August 5th, 2008, 09:40 am
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jamesdpay jamesdpay is offline
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irishbrian wrote :

What comes to mind here are the 5 stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Where are you at? I mean this sincerely.


I myself spent nearly two years of my life being quite emotionally-involved with a woman. We dated on-and-off during those two years, but were always together. I finally ended it a few months ago and it was quite rough at first, but I'm at peace with that decision now and harbor no hard feelings toward her and wish her only the best. However, we no longer associate at all and it's best that way (but we are civil when we encounter each other publicly). I'm much happier now. It took me 3 months to move through the 5 stages. It's important as men to openly acknowledge our feelings, validate them in a masculine way, and then remain grounded in the fact that we shouldn't tether our self-esteem too closely to others. My self-esteem was so closely associated with her that I was crushed whenever the relationship started to go south. Yes, it's natural when you make yourself vulnerable. However, there's an enormous difference between vulnerability and co-dependency. I learned my lesson well!


So, no wise or comforting words here, brother. You just have to grieve and the pain will diminish over time.*
Wow just looking in on here for some advice on how to stop the one I'm in love with from leaving she took "A Break" to figure out what shes feeling and I think shes great but she really a nice girl the type tha doesn't like hurting feelings so I think this is her way of saying goodbye your advice has helped me just in case it is goodbye your advice I will certainly use- Well Written
- August 5th, 2008, 09:41 am
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jamesdpay jamesdpay is offline
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irishbrian wrote :

What comes to mind here are the 5 stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Where are you at? I mean this sincerely.


I myself spent nearly two years of my life being quite emotionally-involved with a woman. We dated on-and-off during those two years, but were always together. I finally ended it a few months ago and it was quite rough at first, but I'm at peace with that decision now and harbor no hard feelings toward her and wish her only the best. However, we no longer associate at all and it's best that way (but we are civil when we encounter each other publicly). I'm much happier now. It took me 3 months to move through the 5 stages. It's important as men to openly acknowledge our feelings, validate them in a masculine way, and then remain grounded in the fact that we shouldn't tether our self-esteem too closely to others. My self-esteem was so closely associated with her that I was crushed whenever the relationship started to go south. Yes, it's natural when you make yourself vulnerable. However, there's an enormous difference between vulnerability and co-dependency. I learned my lesson well!


So, no wise or comforting words here, brother. You just have to grieve and the pain will diminish over time.*
Wow just looking in on here for some advice on how to stop the one I'm in love with from leaving she took "A Break" to figure out what shes feeling and I think shes great but she really a nice girl the type tha doesn't like hurting feelings so I think this is her way of saying goodbye your advice has helped me just in case it is goodbye your advice I will certainly use- Well Written
- August 5th, 2008, 09:43 am
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jamesdpay jamesdpay is offline
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irishbrian wrote :

What comes to mind here are the 5 stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Where are you at? I mean this sincerely.


I myself spent nearly two years of my life being quite emotionally-involved with a woman. We dated on-and-off during those two years, but were always together. I finally ended it a few months ago and it was quite rough at first, but I'm at peace with that decision now and harbor no hard feelings toward her and wish her only the best. However, we no longer associate at all and it's best that way (but we are civil when we encounter each other publicly). I'm much happier now. It took me 3 months to move through the 5 stages. It's important as men to openly acknowledge our feelings, validate them in a masculine way, and then remain grounded in the fact that we shouldn't tether our self-esteem too closely to others. My self-esteem was so closely associated with her that I was crushed whenever the relationship started to go south. Yes, it's natural when you make yourself vulnerable. However, there's an enormous difference between vulnerability and co-dependency. I learned my lesson well!


So, no wise or comforting words here, brother. You just have to grieve and the pain will diminish over time.*
Wow just looking in on here for some advice on how to stop the one I'm in love with from leaving she took "A Break" to figure out what shes feeling and I think shes great but she really a nice girl the type tha doesn't like hurting feelings so I think this is her way of saying goodbye your advice has helped me just in case it is goodbye your advice I will certainly use- Well Written
- August 5th, 2008, 09:43 am
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MagyarSHU MagyarSHU is offline
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My best friend was in a similar relationship where he had been in a relationship for nearly two years with a woman he loved. She also broke it off because she changed (basically didn't know what she wanted anymore and panicked). This happened last summer. My friend was heartbroken, but he said he figured that if he didn't totally disattach himself from her, he wouldn't have been able to function and complete his final year in college or get commissioned (physics major and ROTC). He went through the grieving process very quickly because he realized that there was nothing he could to change the situation. Instead of spending his time worrying about something that was, he threw himself into his studies and the ROTC program and chose let go of her very quickly. He said it was tough, but it was the only way he could pass his classes.


His emotional health is inspiring. To this day, he will still defend her decision if anyone asks him about it. Ironically, it took her more time to get over the break up and still struggles with it occaisionally.
- August 5th, 2008, 09:56 am
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Dafearon Dafearon is offline
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I was in a similar position as you. In my case, it was a 14 year old relationship where we were best friends and it culiminated into a wondeful loving relationship that I never knew could exist in my life. As fate would have it, this relationship ended abruptly after a year and a half together. It just came out of nowhere.


So i lost an almost 16 year relationship with a best friend as well as our romantic involvement. Why it happened is a long story, but it took me years before i could successfully date again. I threw myself in my work as i had just started a new job so I didn't want to disappoint there. I worked weekends because I didn't want to be caught drifting in thought. It took many months before I could even be social again.


You need to deal with the pain. You need to find yourself. Take as much time as you need. When you've been in a long term relationship, its hard to focus on yourself when for so long it was always an "us" kind of deal where now its "you". Find things you like to do and do it. Slowly meet people, but not to date, but to be social. Don't date until you feel you are really ready to love someone else. Otherwise, it would never be fair to your date. Give your date the best you that you can manage. Not just a shadow of yourself while you pine for your ex.
- August 5th, 2008, 10:36 am
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I went through a break up from a guy I was dating for 2 years, too. Wow, how "ironical" for all of us. It started out fine, but more and more he would get agitated over little things like putting the laundry in a spot he didn't want it, or losing his glasses and me not helping him find them quick enough. He got to the point where anything would set him off and the belittling lasted for hours and hours. He would follow me from room to room until 3 in the morning and I had to be up at 5 for work. Even when I would hide in the corner and cry he wouldn't let up. I finally got to the point where I would go for a drive so he couldn't find me and cry because I didn't understand what I'd done so horribly wrong. After 2 years of this, I finally went for a drive and didn't come back. I guess I went through all of those stages of grief while I was still with him so leaving was the acceptance part. After begging him for2 years to go to counciling and get some help, he says he's going now. It took me leaving for him to get help. I wish he had listened to me earlier before my "heart gave out" ontrusting him anymore. It's still not easy, but I can't in good conscience go back to someone that would never hear me until it was too late to salvage anything. I do still have pangs of missing the man I fell in love with, though. I wish I knew for sure if the help that he's getting now will even change anything. He wasn't willing to do it for 2 years and I think now he's only doing as a way to "get me to come back to him" so I don't really believe that it will not change anything. Still it's hard to let go when I remember how happy we were for a while. I miss that....being happy with someone again. It's been a long time.
- August 5th, 2008, 10:55 am
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