Oakley is offline Oakley Post #11  July 15,2008, 6:58am
Oakley's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jun 2008

Kansas City

Posts: 13

See profile

japaneseblueeyes,171363 wrote :

Have you tried counselling?
I am asking for advice outside of my normal support group. If you can not provide constructive advice please do not leave a comment.
 
  Reply With Quote
japaneseblueeyes is offline japaneseblueeyes Post #12  July 18,2008, 10:33am
japanesebluee…'s Avatar

Kobe Umeda on FaceBook Prefers the ugly truth to beautiful lies.

Virtuoso

Joined: Jan 2008

On a farm on an island in the Orient

Posts: 3,087

See profile

Oakley,171377 wrote :

japaneseblueeyes,171363 wrote :


Have you tried counselling?


I am asking for advice outside of my normal support group. If you can not provide constructive advice please do not leave a comment.
I mean have you tried professional counselling to figure out why you are always the rebound guy? I think it will help you more in the long run since you seem to be in a cycle that you can not break out of. Good luck and keep us posted.
 
  Reply With Quote
Oakley is offline Oakley Post #13  July 18,2008, 10:40am
Oakley's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jun 2008

Kansas City

Posts: 13

See profile

japaneseblueeyes,176165 wrote :

Oakley,171377 wrote :


japaneseblueeyes,171363 wrote :


Have you tried counselling?


I am asking for advice outside of my normal support group. If you can not provide constructive advice please do not leave a comment.


I mean have you tried professional counselling to figure out why you are always the rebound guy? I think it will help you more in the long run since you seem to be in a cycle that you can not break out of. Good luck and keep us posted.
I am sorry for being defensive. Yes I am going to a counselor to break my cycle. The funny thing is. Since I lasted posted the women I was posting about has recontacted me and we could possibly start trying to work things out. Who knows? I just know where my boundaries are now and I hope to stick by them. Wish me luck.
 
  Reply With Quote
flocondeneige is offline flocondeneige Post #14  July 18,2008, 10:14pm
flocondeneige's Avatar

is striking out

Enthusiast

Joined: Mar 2008

Michigan

Posts: 973

See profile



Hhmm...if you're always trying to be the "knight in shining armor" and you like it, that tells me quite a lot about you, your ideas about relationships and the women you are likely to date. It suggests that you see yourself in a "savior" role, one that requires women to be either dependent on you, needy, or otherwise having some issue where they are not able to manage their own personal and mental well-being. Thus, you view women (or at least those you seek out) to be less than you, in other words, weak creatures who NEED you, who need to be saved and protected. Sure, many women end up in places such as this in the course of their lives. Unfortunately, its at those times that they really should not be dating.


Perhaps you need to reframe what it is you really like about yourself and value in a relationship. Now, it seems like you value relationships based on inequality, where you have the upper hand. I wonder if you were to re-think relationships and realize that healthy ones generally are based on equality and partnership (not saving someone), you might have better luck. Ask yourself what you really want out of a relationship. Also ask yourself why you think you only deserve relationships such as these. (I'm positive you deserve better!)


You may also want to ask yourself, what is it truly about seeing yourself as "knight in shining armour" that you particularly value. I'm going to guess that you like to be a caring, nice, compassionate person. That's great! Those are all great qualities to possess and excellent traits to bring to a relationship. However, you can be caring, nice, compassionate and wonderful without needing to be in relationships that require you to feel like you need to "save" the women. Of course they're going to leave you after awhile...as soon as they get their lives back together and you no longer have a role to fill as the "knight" not only will you start to feel unappreciated but they will not need or want that behavior any longer and likely get rid of you.


I think there is hope for you; don'tdespair Good luck finding that wonderful person!
 
  Reply With Quote
msnthebeach is offline msnthebeach Post #15  July 22,2008, 6:12pm
msnthebeach's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Nov 2007

Massachusetts

Posts: 10

See profile



I'd like to wish you luck and thanks for the question. Also it was nice to see how this played out here. I understand your feelings.
 
  Reply With Quote
nogoodonesleft is offline nogoodonesleft Post #16  July 23,2008, 11:39am
nogoodoneslef…'s Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jul 2008

Posts: 2

See profile

Oakley, wrote :

Ok, so after analyzing my recent choices in women I have noticed a surprising pattern. I am the rebound guy!! I would like a womens perspective on whatconstitutes a relationship with a guy when thewoman isgetting out of a marriage or long term relationship. Is it because they just want someone to have fun with? Is it that the rebound guy is just a phase?Whatmakes someone a rebound guy? Is it the sex? Is it the timing? Is it the care free nature of the relationship? Do women go back to the rebound guy after a period of time?


I want to know so I can recognize and avoid any further heartaches in the future.





I would like any open and honest advice that I can get about this matter. I am rather confused.[img]library/editor/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-undecided.gif[/img]




I'm replying to Oakley and Jerzee. Not every woman who has 'just left' a long term relationship is on the rebound. After 8 years (two good and 6 bad) Ileft the relationship. It had been non existent for so long thatI felt Ihad just been single and ready to find a real relationship. There are a few of us good ones out there, but I'm having a hard time finding a good one for me.
 
  Reply With Quote
Bn_thr_dn_that is offline Bn_thr_dn_that Post #17  July 23,2008, 1:57pm
Bn_thr_dn_tha…'s Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Mar 2008

Posts: 1

See profile

Oakley, wrote :

Ok, so after analyzing my recent choices in women I have noticed a surprising pattern. I am the rebound guy!! I would like a womens perspective on whatconstitutes a relationship with a guy when thewoman isgetting out of a marriage or long term relationship. Is it because they just want someone to have fun with? Is it that the rebound guy is just a phase?Whatmakes someone a rebound guy? Is it the sex? Is it the timing? Is it the care free nature of the relationship? Do women go back to the rebound guy after a period of time?


I want to know so I can recognize and avoid any further heartaches in the future.





I would like any open and honest advice that I can get about this matter. I am rather confused.[img]library/editor/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-undecided.gif[/img]




Oakley, I am sorry to hear your woes. Seeking perspective shows your awareness. The short answer is simple diversion.


You said you saw a pattern in your choices. Unless you want to be the rebound guy, ask prospects how long they have been OUT of a LTR (long term relationship). Loss requires a grieving process and without it baggage is born (packed) piled up!!! I think everyone is familiar with the term baggage. Baggage is filled with Blocked grief, unfinished business. Blocked grief has a way of clouding things and eventually will show it’s self. Check to see if you have any of your own


If a person doesn’t learn from their mistakes, which is what mistakes are designed for, they are destined to repeat them. You do not want to bear the burden of another person’s mistake, heck we all have enough of our own.


What may be more important for you is not what "they" want but what “you” want? Are you willing to wait for a girl who isn't on the rebound? Relating is a mirror. Your choices reflect something in yourself you may or may not be willing to look at. As I said at the beginning you show awareness and are open to information take it, go forth and choose the mirror that reflects the TRUE YOU. The one you are becoming.
 
  Reply With Quote
paz is offline paz Post #18  July 23,2008, 5:40pm
paz's Avatar

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

Quick Study

Joined: May 2008

USA

Posts: 196

See profile



You seem to have a nice group of people wishing you the best. Please hang in there...the one is out there! )
 
  Reply With Quote
Oakley is offline Oakley Post #19  July 23,2008, 8:15pm
Oakley's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jun 2008

Kansas City

Posts: 13

See profile

paz,184423 wrote :

You seem to have a nice group of people wishing you the best. Please hang in there...the one is out there! )

I am very overwhelmed by the amount of positive and uplifting feed back. I want to thank everyone so much for your input. It is nice to have a community like this to bounce ideas and thoughts off of.
 
  Reply With Quote
Tea is offline Tea Post #20  July 24,2008, 2:19pm
Tea's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jun 2008

Posts: 2

See profile



Thank you for sharing your dilemma. It's nice to know it's not just women that go through this stuff! This discussion brought to mind the book Wild at Heart by John Eldridge which I would recommend if you areseeking to work through issues with a Christian perspective. It sort of stereotypes people, but helped me understand myself. Itsuggests that men have one important question in life "Am I a real man and do I have what it takes?" and women "AmI beautiful and worthy?"The author talks about how both genders gowrong by trying to have that question answered by other people (because other people can never validate you ALL the time). The book premises that we must take our "question" to God because to Him the answer isyes.


I commend you for seeking counsel! I think everyone should have a check-up with a counselor once a year or at least for a solid period in their life! It is sooo healthy and unfortunately has had a stigma. I participated in counseling a few years ago after a break-up where my ex decided after 3 years and discussing marriage that he couldn't commit and rebounded right in the middle of us working through things. One of the things my counselor pointed out was that his rebound relationship would undoubtedly fail or be unhealthy because he clearly didn't have the skills to maturely end our relationship or work through the issues. This helped me a lot.


I do believe that there are some cases where people who are emotionally healthy that have been in a briefrelationship that didn't work can heal and go through the grieving process of that loss pretty quickly and be ready to move on. It seems to me like that is a rare situation though; dating would be so much less complicated if people looked inward (or to God) for their validation rather than other people. I do understand the validation that rebounding brings, but can't that come from loved ones and ourselves? Okay, sorry for the rant! I hope this helps you feel less alone.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 2 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3


« How Do We Keep the Passion? | Ask a Dating Expert | Why do men talk about sex before they've met you?? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“The tennis ball story is a good analogy, RD, and that's how I interpret "gut feeling" -- a conclusion/sense of something that's a thought, not a feeling; though it will have feelings associated with ... ” –  Sassafras54

Join the “Is Your Gut Leading - or Misleading You?” discussion

“Agree. Given where you are emotionally, I would cease all communication with Mr. Trade Show. You're vulnerable. He's up for a challenge. It's playing with fire. You'll be in a bad place in the ... ” –  emma_hazards

Join the “Received lovely email from former poofer” discussion

“How about phone calls, then?” –  barbarella_42

Join the “Advice on Response time” discussion

“I have never spoken to a woman like he has. Yeah, I have never spoken to a woman like that either. It is a hard call to whether he is just as jerk, or whether he is a player. Both are feasible ... ” –  ScottK

Join the “So, men. Explain this to me, please!” discussion

“I have come to this same conclusion. Thank you.” –  bibittyboo

Join the “Confused about date #2” discussion

“Harmonygirl, I do not usually make up my mind on blanket situations but instead would examine each one on it's own merits, so I cannot answer your question. However, just in the going about of daily ... ” –  Ephemera

Join the “Atheism, Religion and Tolerance” discussion

“I was ok until the kiss on the cheek part....That doesn't sound like your defenses were up at all... It's one thing for a guy to walk up and start with the cheesy lines....But as soon as I say, "no ... ” –  Ingytravel

Join the “So this guy walks into a bar . . .” discussion

“ No. It is not wise. You have to throw all your eggs into one basket for love to work at all. Relationships are inherently riskier than careers. You can't use the same rules. You might lose ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Becoming Exclusive” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 3:48pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0