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User4780 is offline User4780 Post #1  February 9,2012, 1:56pm
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So here I my dilemma. I am a person (male) that has never been in a relationship, and as far as I can figure, will never manage to find one. I have done everything within my power to find a romantic partner, but no matter what I try, it just doesn't happen.

Starting last year in May, I decided to give eharmony a try, cause what did I have to lose? Well apparently I had plenty to lose, because so far the list is: loss of sleep, loss of emotional control, loss of self respect, and loss of faith in myself. All this because in my 7 months with eharmony, I received nothing in the way of real communication. I managed to get 1 person to the email communication, and it dropped off soon after. No dates, not even the chance to discuss one.

Somehow, by the grace of God, I was able to convince the customer service manager that I spoke to that I needed to freeze my account, because the feelings of failure were mounting so high, I wasn't able to stand it any longer. But in the end, this has done me no good, because I am still stuck in the same place, alone and unhappy. The idea is that I will return to eharmony when I am able to withstand the feeling of failure I get when I send communication requests to women, and either receive nothing, or a swift close to the match.

Now on to my question. How do I accept the fact that no matter what I try, I will never get a girlfriend hug, never a real kiss from someone, never get to hold them close to me while watching a silly movie. Never get to take someone out for a night on the town, or to a fancy dinner somewhere. That I will always have to go on vacations with friends that have spouses, and I am all by myself as we watch the sunset?

That is the advice I need from this site, and I think that the money I have given to eharmony more than pays for these answers? If anyone actually has them.

I appreciate you taking the time to read this, and any answers/advice you may have.

User4780
 
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barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #2  February 9,2012, 2:38pm
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User4780 wrote :
So here I my dilemma. I am a person (male) that has never been in a relationship, and as far as I can figure, will never manage to find one. I have done everything within my power to find a romantic partner, but no matter what I try, it just doesn't happen.

Starting last year in May, I decided to give eharmony a try, cause what did I have to lose? Well apparently I had plenty to lose, because so far the list is: loss of sleep, loss of emotional control, loss of self respect, and loss of faith in myself. All this because in my 7 months with eharmony, I received nothing in the way of real communication. I managed to get 1 person to the email communication, and it dropped off soon after. No dates, not even the chance to discuss one.

Somehow, by the grace of God, I was able to convince the customer service manager that I spoke to that I needed to freeze my account, because the feelings of failure were mounting so high, I wasn't able to stand it any longer. But in the end, this has done me no good, because I am still stuck in the same place, alone and unhappy. The idea is that I will return to eharmony when I am able to withstand the feeling of failure I get when I send communication requests to women, and either receive nothing, or a swift close to the match.

Now on to my question. How do I accept the fact that no matter what I try, I will never get a girlfriend hug, never a real kiss from someone, never get to hold them close to me while watching a silly movie. Never get to take someone out for a night on the town, or to a fancy dinner somewhere. That I will always have to go on vacations with friends that have spouses, and I am all by myself as we watch the sunset?

That is the advice I need from this site, and I think that the money I have given to eharmony more than pays for these answers? If anyone actually has them.

I appreciate you taking the time to read this, and any answers/advice you may have.

User4780
You are very articulate and well-spoken, at least in writing. I think it would help to know a bit more about you. How old are you? Are you physically attractive? What's your fitness level, and how tall are you? What has your experience been in meeting women in real life and asking them on dates?

Do you consider yourself shy, reserved, or socially awkward? Do you have friends? What do you like to do in your free time? Are your activities and interests primarily solitary, or do you do activities that involve other people?

If you asked one of your friends to describe you, what would he or she say? Would you agree with that person's assessment? Why or why not?

I can already point to the pessimism in your post as one thing that is not going to help you: Saying you'll be alone forever has a funny way of working out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think there must be something else at play, though, and that's what I'm trying to elicit.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #3  February 9,2012, 2:40pm
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I'd venture a guess that either your profile, your photos, or both were unattractive. But until you post them for critique, it's only a guess. To answer your question, "How do I accept the fact.....?", .... I don't have that answer. Probably nobody does. Instead, you should quit feeling sorry for yourself and work on making yourself more appealing.
 
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User4780 is offline User4780 Post #4  February 9,2012, 3:55pm
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In response to barbarella_42:
I am in my early 30's, moderate fitness level but still overweight (just in belly really). Nearly 6 foot tall, and as for physically attractive, I am the wrong person to ask. I don't find myself to be good looking, but the old ladies that I see during my day on the job think I am.

I feel beyond out of place in any social situation, have my whole life, and as such whenever I try to approach a woman I feel like I am bothering her. That, or as I heard in junior high school: "I don't want YOU to feel that way about me." As such, I hardly ever approach women in real life, and when I manage to , the response tends to be one of ignoring me. Which is why I tried eharmony. I thought it might be different, get rid of the 'face to face' anxiety on both sides part, might make for more free-flowing communication. Turns out that the response is the exact same, I tend to be ignore either by not returning communication and it sits in my communicating window, or they close me without even a response.

Most of my leisure activities tend to be solo-based, or if a group tends to be with other male-type activities, because I can am more comfortable around other guys.

I do have friends, and they are some of the best people in the world because they have managed to stick with me through all this. They tend to describe me as funny, fun to be around, genuine, intelligent, friendly, things of that nature. However, I can't recall them ever saying that I was attractive, and when prompted to respond to that they tend to go back to the aforementioned attributes. As for whether I agree, that is a current point of contention between us. I understand where they get that from and will usually see it, but nobody has been able to explain why someone with all the positives that I have still can't manage to attract anyone.

The pessimism statement I understand, but I would counter with is it pessimism or an honest observation of the situation? Everything I spoke of is true, limited to the situation regarding eharmony. I don't think the rest of my baggage really belongs in this discussion forum (as it is eharmony related), plus it all wouldn't fit.

In response to tweet37:
I do not know if I still have access to my account info, since it is frozen in a state that they usually do not put it into, since it is actually not using billed time at the moment. I am saving the last 5 months I have available to me for when I can stand it. However I will check and if I can get the info, I will post it later in this thread. As for the pictures, they are me, for better or worse. Despite my desire to find pictures of attractive people to put there, I wanted to maintain honesty.

As for quitting feeling sorry for myself, please understand that I have tried, with everything I am, to not feel sorry for myself, as that is a trait in people that drives me crazy. However, I have noticed that it is something I do in spades and wish like nothing else that i could stop.

And as for making myself more appealing, since I have no concrete idea on what is 'wrong' with me that people can tell in photos or my limited eharmony profile, I have nothing to fix. Especially since every customer service rep I have spoken to that has looked at it says that it looks just fine.
 
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Ingytravel is online now Ingytravel Post #5  February 9,2012, 4:21pm
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It's another one of those times that I would recommend counseling....You are living a self fulfilling prophecy here...

You have low self esteem...complain because your friends haven't complimented your looks, and say that you will "Never find someone"....

If you don't love yourself, how do you expect anyone else to? Seriously....a healthy relationship is about two WHOLE people coming together...not about filling in this missing hole that you have...

A good counselor can help you build up your self esteem...Getting out of "yourself" is always a great thing to do...Something tells me you are now in desperate mode and are trying way too hard...Women will smell this desperation in a second....Find activities to get out and do just for fun and to interact and flirt with women...Biking or hiking clubs...a cooking class..photography class...dance lessons...etc...

Even do some volunteer work with organizations that you believe in...this will help you focus on others...

A person who is confident, and fun to be around...someone who you can tell enjoys life and is happy with who he is...THIS is the type of man that women want to be around...

Taking a break from this for a moment to rebuild your own life and self esteem back up...will make it much easier to get out there and flirt and date...And don't forget....online dating should be one small way that you meet women...They are everywhere from the gym, the grocery store..and all the places I mentioned...Practice flirting first...move to asking people out once you get yourself in a good place...

Good luck..
 
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barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #6  February 9,2012, 4:38pm
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User4780 wrote :
In response to barbarella_42:
I am in my early 30's, moderate fitness level but still overweight (just in belly really). Nearly 6 foot tall, and as for physically attractive, I am the wrong person to ask. I don't find myself to be good looking, but the old ladies that I see during my day on the job think I am.

I feel beyond out of place in any social situation, have my whole life, and as such whenever I try to approach a woman I feel like I am bothering her. That, or as I heard in junior high school: "I don't want YOU to feel that way about me." As such, I hardly ever approach women in real life, and when I manage to , the response tends to be one of ignoring me. Which is why I tried eharmony. I thought it might be different, get rid of the 'face to face' anxiety on both sides part, might make for more free-flowing communication. Turns out that the response is the exact same, I tend to be ignore either by not returning communication and it sits in my communicating window, or they close me without even a response.

Most of my leisure activities tend to be solo-based, or if a group tends to be with other male-type activities, because I can am more comfortable around other guys.

I do have friends, and they are some of the best people in the world because they have managed to stick with me through all this. They tend to describe me as funny, fun to be around, genuine, intelligent, friendly, things of that nature. However, I can't recall them ever saying that I was attractive, and when prompted to respond to that they tend to go back to the aforementioned attributes. As for whether I agree, that is a current point of contention between us. I understand where they get that from and will usually see it, but nobody has been able to explain why someone with all the positives that I have still can't manage to attract anyone.

The pessimism statement I understand, but I would counter with is it pessimism or an honest observation of the situation? Everything I spoke of is true, limited to the situation regarding eharmony. I don't think the rest of my baggage really belongs in this discussion forum (as it is eharmony related), plus it all wouldn't fit.

In response to tweet37:
I do not know if I still have access to my account info, since it is frozen in a state that they usually do not put it into, since it is actually not using billed time at the moment. I am saving the last 5 months I have available to me for when I can stand it. However I will check and if I can get the info, I will post it later in this thread. As for the pictures, they are me, for better or worse. Despite my desire to find pictures of attractive people to put there, I wanted to maintain honesty.

As for quitting feeling sorry for myself, please understand that I have tried, with everything I am, to not feel sorry for myself, as that is a trait in people that drives me crazy. However, I have noticed that it is something I do in spades and wish like nothing else that i could stop.

And as for making myself more appealing, since I have no concrete idea on what is 'wrong' with me that people can tell in photos or my limited eharmony profile, I have nothing to fix. Especially since every customer service rep I have spoken to that has looked at it says that it looks just fine.
OK, this is a start. I think the extra weight may be a contributing factor; it's hard to tell. Fitness will never serve you badly, either in the dating department or in helping perpetuate self-esteem, self-confidence, and a general feeling of well-being. If you're not in the habit of working out, it would be a good one to start. If you work out now, you might consider amping up or changing your routine so that you get the extra weight off.

The main issues sound like they come down to very poor self-esteem and lack of confidence around women, and I wonder if there's some clinginess as well. Those are attributes that will certainly drive potential partners away.

I'm very glad to hear that you have a strong social network. Have you ever tried asking one of your trusted friends to tell you point-blank and in all honesty what it is that makes women not show interest in you? Feedback like that can be hard to hear, but if you open yourself to receiving it, it'll give you a place to start in fixing whatever is holding you back.

Regarding online dating specifically, tweet is right: If women are closing you or not responding, then something in your photos or profile is turning them off. If you can gain access to your profile, you can post it for review and feedback. As far as photos go, use the very best ones you can get. Dating, and online dating in particular, is basically marketing and you are the product. If you want to find a buyer, you have to package the product attractively, right? Also, it sounds like online rejection has hit you hard. You can't let it hurt: People see incompatibilities for all kinds of reasons, and most of the time you'll never understand why. You really have to be able to let it roll off without hurting. Since it doesn't seem like that's possible right now, I think you're wise to take a break from it.

You mentioned that you have other baggage as well. It may very well be playing into the challenges you have in finding a partner. Doesn't mean you have to disclose it here if you don't want to, but understand that it may not be as neatly packed as you think it is.

Regarding pessimism versus honest assessment of the situation: An honest assessment is the statement that you've never had a relationship. Pessimism is the statement that you never WILL have a relationship. The first is factual, and it's something you can work with. The second is an outlook in which you're already closing off possibilities for yourself, and that's how statements like that become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Hope that helps as a start. It's all meant with kindness.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #7  February 9,2012, 4:42pm
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- If you're 30 and have to "freeze" your eHahaha because you care about the cost, you need a better job and not a girlfriend (though the former will also attract the latter.)

- Can you add at least one interest to your life that tends to involve more women than men?

- Can you take one interest you currently have, which never introduces you to women, and either eliminate it or cut back sharply?

- Each time you see a woman (no matter where), follow the Golden Rule: She would be much cuter if she laughed. Then make it happen.

- Don't worry about a date. Just make her laugh. Step two is asking her name, and step three is asking her out.
 
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User4780 is offline User4780 Post #8  February 9,2012, 7:22pm
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First thanks to everyone that has given advice so far, some I have heard before, some is new, I just need to figure out how to use it most effectively. To those that wanted to see profile, here it is:


The one thing I am most passionate about:
One thing I enjoy doing is getting in my car and taking a drive. Finding a sunny day, dropping the convertible top down, and driving to the ocean or up over the pass makes my day. It reminds me why I live in Washington, we have some of the best places to go and see.

The most important thing I am looking for in a person is:
Someone who is willing to join me in my adventures. Someone who can add fun to the spice of life with energy and the ability to trade off on picking which direction we go for the next day/weekend/journey.

About Me
Basic Information

Occupation: Physical Therapist Assistant
Age: 31
Height: 5' 11"
Wants Kids: Maybe
Kids at Home: No
Ethnicity: White, non-Hispanic
Religion: Christian
Drinks: A few times a year
Smokes: Never
In my own words

The most influential person in my life has been:

When I was young it was definitely my brother. He always made time to help me with my schoolwork and make sure that I understood it, not just got the right answer. As I have gotten older my close friends who have been with me through it all, and are still there to offer the words I need to hear.

The three things which I am most thankful for:

The wonderful co-workers I have where we treat each other like family.
The job that I have where I get to help people.
The friends I have that are always willing to help me, and know that I am there to help them

Three of my best life-skills are:

Using humor to make friends laugh
Being a good friend and companion
Managing my finances

The things I can't live without are:

Books
Friends
Music
Sports
Discovery/History Channel

The first thing people notice about me:

That I am a person full of energy that is trying to make sure that they are having a good time.

My interests
I typically spend my leisure time:

Lately my leisure time has been spent at the gym, getting back in shape and preparing to run some 5k's next year. Other than that it is getting together with friends and going out, I especially like to go to small venue live music. If spending time alone I like to read or watch movies.

The last book I read and enjoyed:

The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown. Amazing fictional book that uses rarely known but true American history to tell a story that grips your imagination throughout. One of the best stories I have read in quite a while.

According to my friends:
My friends describe me as:

Funny
Kind
Optimistic
Intelligent
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #9  February 9,2012, 11:56pm
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Hi User4780 and welcome to eHA.

You might want to copy this post and start a thread over in the Using eHarmony forum titled "profile review please" or something like that. People who like to review profiles look for them over there.
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suzyblueeyes is offline suzyblueeyes Post #10  February 10,2012, 6:29am
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User4780 wrote :
As for quitting feeling sorry for myself, please understand that I have tried, with everything I am, to not feel sorry for myself, as that is a trait in people that drives me crazy. However, I have noticed that it is something I do in spades and wish like nothing else that i could stop.
You have created a self-fulfilling prophecy. You see yourself as someone who can't get a woman, and so you don't get one. You find excuses about how dejected you are, blah blah blah. The above is just the excuse that you tell yourself so that you don't actually have to put in the work to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Stop wishing that you could stop, and start actively trying to replace the negative scripts you run through your mind with positive/action-oriented ones.

About your profile. It is well written although extremely bland. I really don't get a sense of who you are from it at all. The only thing that stands out as a definite to change is the whole "Maybe" to children. If you would like to have kids, put yes as it will make you much more attractive to your average 20-something to early 30's woman.

If you really want help taking different actions that are going to get better results, you need to get specific about things:

1) Your profile (which you have posted, that is a good first step)
2) Your photos - if you don't want to post them on the internet, then you need to get the opinions of women you trust as to whether or not they are helping or hurting you
3) What percentage of woman did you initiate communication with on eharmony?
4) What percentage responded to you?
5) Was there any specific part of communication that people stopped communicating with you during?
6) Were/are you on other dating sites? How was that experience?
 
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