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SteveManchesterEngland is online now SteveManchesterEngland Post #11  February 10,2012, 6:52am
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is too happy

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The problem is - you are looking for someone to fix you, make you happy etc.

What have you got to offer?

Before you can do dating/relationships you need to ensure you have your mental health sorted - ie. a stable mindset.

I'd recommend you build up yourself to make yourself a better person. Evening classes, time in the gym and working on inner peace. And any involvement with women should start at the friendly level - e.g. make some friends when you're doing hobbies. Not the Xbox kind of hobbies but things like joining walking clubs.
 
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barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #12  February 10,2012, 7:30am
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SteveManchesterEngland wrote :
The problem is - you are looking for someone to fix you, make you happy etc.

What have you got to offer?

Before you can do dating/relationships you need to ensure you have your mental health sorted - ie. a stable mindset.

I'd recommend you build up yourself to make yourself a better person. Evening classes, time in the gym and working on inner peace. And any involvement with women should start at the friendly level - e.g. make some friends when you're doing hobbies. Not the Xbox kind of hobbies but things like joining walking clubs.
Steve brings up an excellent point: No one can make you happy except for you, and it's both unfair and unrealistic to expect a partner to take on that responsibility. Making your own life rich and fulfilling in its own right should really be your very first priority. If you do that, it'll greatly increase what you bring to a potential relationship.
 
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dovegirl is online now dovegirl — Advice Member-Moderator Post #13  February 10,2012, 7:52am
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I agree with the others who say you have to fix your own self image/ self worth before you will be able to have a relationship.

Look, I understand where you are coming from. I am a similar age to you, and around this age we start to see all of our friends getting married/having kids. Fewer and fewer people are "alone" and the ones who are are sometimes looked down upon by their peers. You feel like everyone has someone but you. Then you start to feel like you will NEVER find someone.

Ok, so what if you never do find someone? Then, you'd better make sure you know how to have fun on your own! Work on hobbies, pick up new ones. The only thing I would do in your case is focus on picking up one or two hobbies that require you to be more social. Have you ever tried MeetUp? I saw from your profile that you like to read, a book club might be a great thing to try for you (and, as an avid reader myself, I can tell you that a man who likes to read is a BIG turn on, at least for me).

And as far as the pessimistic view really being a more honest one...that just isn't true. Because the reality is, if you want something badly enough, then you can work hard enough to make it happen. Maybe you need to lose weight...so go to the gym. Maybe you aren't conventionally attractive....someone out there will find attractive things about you, trust me. But to say you will NEVER find someone, at 30, and honestly believe that just sounds defeatest, and is not going to attract anybody.
Last edited by dovegirl; February 10,2012 at 7:53am. Reason: sometimes I put the completely wrong word down for no reason
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #14  February 11,2012, 6:49am
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Online dating can be fairly brutal if you don't have a thick skin. If you've never been in a relationship and you don't have the confidence in yourself to withstand that brutality, it might not be the best venue for you.

Even those of us who've dated and been in long-term relationships sometimes go through periods of little or no response or initiation on dating sites. It's not like Amazon.com. Just because there are items in your cart that appeal to you doesn't mean it's as easy as selecting one and moving forward.

However, this is troubling: Despite my desire to find pictures of attractive people to put there, I wanted to maintain honesty.

Did you really consider posting fake pictures to attract someone? Because that speaks of something much deeper than poor self-esteem. That speaks to character, and the willingness to consider deceiving others in order to get what you want. That you wanted to 'maintain your honesty' is good. The fact that it was even a consideration is not.

If you're uncomfortable with yourself and with women it's going to come across - whether online or in real life. If you are unsure in your values or unstable in character - that will come across. The difference in online interaction is that it doesn't always get to the point of being a personal rejection (although you seem to take it personally). The solution is not to give up or to give in to negative thinking - it's to address those things so that you are comfortable with yourself (whether or not you are in a relationship), so that you are comfortable interacting with women (even just in normal social situations), and so that your values and character are so intrinsic that you don't have to talk yourself into maintaining your honesty.
 
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