bonzi is offline bonzi Post #1  February 7,2012, 2:53pm
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I'm very active today bc I'm upset that I may have blown it with a woman I just started dating. Perhaps I'm too open and truthful. Thread "New lady and VD combo" has the story.
I don't know anything going on from her btw. This is all spinning from me. Since our Sat. nite date the frequency and tone of her texts has shifted. We were talking about "police contact" from our pasts and I don't know where it came from. Then arrests... Yes I had been arrested without any charges ever being filed. I had one previous date, a while back, with a different woman that quizzed me on a date. She had done a background check on me and a RO came up from close to 3 years ago. I wasn't prepaired to talk about it. This past gf had RO'ed her last four bfs. and she told me that. I didn't think anything at the time.
So I did share that a woman had dropped a RO on me, supporting it with the arrest report. I didn't fight it bc I would never talk with this person again. I wasn't concerned about my new lady checking up on me, I was concerned that a family or friend would search. Being proactive I told my new woman the story, trying to avoid her hearing it from another. I'm not shy about what happened bc I didn't do anything except call her bluff about calling 911. To the point, she called, they came and determined I was the aggressor bc she called. Off I go. Then she tore up my house and stole car keys and some documents. In my efforts to request my keys and stuff back she claimed I was harrasing her and threating her. She denied the vandelisum. Then came the RO.
Today, I'm feeling my new lady is running from this past experience I shared with her Sat. night. I guess I may find out tonight when I call her. Should I have been open and proactive about this ugly event concidering the internets' intrusive nature to open up ones' past? I truely wanted to be strait up and now I may be strait out.....
Last edited by bonzi; February 7,2012 at 3:02pm.
 
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Ingytravel is online now Ingytravel Post #2  February 7,2012, 3:03pm
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I think you have an uphill battle with your past issues....The RO as well as the "close call" that you had with attempting to take your own life...

Just breaking up with a woman who treated you terribly for 18 months and jumping into dating....Reading all your posts....I will keep suggesting that you get back into counseling...

You even admitted just a week or so ago that your self esteem was shot....but yet, here you are trying to date right now?

I will say it a thousand times even if it keeps falling on deaf ears....Until you get yourself happy and whole, you will continue to choose women who are not good for you, as well as allow yourself to stay in unhealthy relationships to the point of your own downfall.

You are the common denominator in these women that you choose. You can say it's all "them" and they are just crazy or blame them for all the ups/downs....but one day need to take responsibility for some of this and realize that you have had choices all along...

I would be more turned off that at 51, you do not find your own emotional health more important to seek counseling to get back on track, and are just way too desperate to be dating someone...anyone....That is why you stayed 18 months with someone who you should have walked away from after a few dates...

I really do wish you well, but until you recognize that a lot of this is about your lack of self esteem and especially with your past, it's crucial to be focusing on getting and staying emotionally healthy....I fear without that, you will keep going down the same path..
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #3  February 7,2012, 3:06pm
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bonzi wrote :
I'm very active today bc I'm upset that I may have blown it with a woman I just started dating. Perhaps I'm too open and truthful.
LoL! I doubt you were too truthful. Rarely are people dumped for that. Too open? That's quite possible! That's usually a sign that someone has baggage they need to work over.

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I didn't do anything except call her bluff about calling 911. To the point, she called, they came and determined I was the aggressor bc she called. Off I go.
Did you feed her this line of BS too? I can see your date being skeptical. That there was any "aggressor" at all implies there was some physical violence scuffling, and the fact that you "called her bluff(?!)" means she gave you an opportunity to leave the situation and you lacked the good sense to do so. Now you live with the consequences of your choices.

Why did you volunteer all of this two weeks into a relationship? That's not very smart unless she asked you point blank if you had any ROs against you, and if she felt the need to ask you this so early, that's a sign you're not giving off the best vibes.
 
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bonzi is offline bonzi Post #4  February 7,2012, 3:10pm
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I am back at counseling and I am the common denominator. Like I wrote, I wanted her to hear it from me not someone else. She too shared some of her past mis-deeds in the short time together. I am responsible for these past events and I did walk away from that confrontation. She still called as I walked away and out of the house. The life attempt was one of those moments where people "snap". No one in this world knows that unless you've been right up against that window. If you've ever "lost it", even for a moment, it's terrifying and isolating.
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  February 7,2012, 3:38pm
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If I was told some drama story early on, involving ROs, cops being called, car keys and other items being stole, etc, I would back off too. It's too much too soon. While it is something that she might need to know, she doesn't really need to know it (right) now.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #6  February 7,2012, 3:47pm
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Bonzi, be honest, but do not volunteer negative facts that have no bearing on your current relationship. So what if she heard it from someone else or from a background check website?

By the way, many of us have been there before. Jumping back into dating too soon, the tmi trap. You end up burning through some good potential partners. Give yourself a bit more time to get over your last relationship and you'll do just fine.
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bonzi is offline bonzi Post #7  February 7,2012, 4:00pm
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OK... tmi to early. How would any of you feel if a family/friend did a background check on someones date and told her what they found? That's the only thing in the report. Wouldn't any of you like to know about that from the source? And if need be
produce the police report to back it up? I did and I can. My lesson today: TMI to soon.
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  February 7,2012, 4:10pm
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Dear Lord! Do you read what is posted? Come on, bonzi... common sense should prevail in this! You aren't using yours!

I DO NOT want to know that my family did a background search (beyond Google) on a dating partner of mine. It's NONE of their business and anything they found out I would most likely toss in the trash. The ONLY reason they should ever step in is if there was a legitimate reason (physical violence, stealing, etc) and THEN they could do a BG search.

Your lesson today is not JUST TMI too soon, it is focusing on things that really don't matter for this relationship!
 
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EccentricAmbiguity is online now EccentricAmbiguity Post #9  February 7,2012, 4:17pm
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Yes, tmi too soon. Sorry, I've been there as well. While some people can weigh it all out, some people get freaked out easier than others. And while a restraining order does not define you, when there is little else to go on at this point, it may have dampened her feelings for you.
 
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Mike74 is offline Mike74 Post #10  February 7,2012, 5:09pm
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bonzi wrote :
I'm very active today bc I'm upset that I may have blown it with a woman I just started dating. Perhaps I'm too open and truthful. Thread "New lady and VD combo" has the story.
I don't know anything going on from her btw. This is all spinning from me. Since our Sat. nite date the frequency and tone of her texts has shifted. We were talking about "police contact" from our pasts and I don't know where it came from. Then arrests... Yes I had been arrested without any charges ever being filed. I had one previous date, a while back, with a different woman that quizzed me on a date. She had done a background check on me and a RO came up from close to 3 years ago. I wasn't prepaired to talk about it. This past gf had RO'ed her last four bfs. and she told me that. I didn't think anything at the time.
That's the biggest, brightest, reddest flag I've ever heard of right there. No way would I continue dating a woman who told me that.
 
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