skiing is offline skiing Post #1  February 6,2012, 9:46pm
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I'm trying to decide whether or not to date someone with cancer. He recently had surgery and radiation to treat a malignant tumor in his brain; he has a low percentage of cancerous cells in his blood and bone marrow; and he just had a PET scan that showed two more malignant tumors - one on his spine and another on his hip bone. He received the PET scan results 3 days ago. I am a caregiver for two aging parents, one who has alzheimer's and three progressive, fatal and untreatable medical conditions. We have no other family member living on this continent to help with my parents and I'm not up to taking on being a caregiver for and losing a boyfriend as well. I know little about cancer and survival rates or what someone with cancer goes through during treatment so I really have no idea of what I'd be getting myself into where I to continue dating him. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #2  February 6,2012, 11:37pm
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Its hard to say survival rates without knowing more details of his case in what stage it is and how his genes are.

It seems based on what you are saying he had brain cancer that spread to elsewhere in his body....so this may be muc h more serious.

That said.....have you talked to him and asked him if he is expecting to have someone to take care of him or date him? Most people arent looking for someone to take care of them. Its unfair to him for you to imply that on him.
 
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jimmyh452 is online now jimmyh452 Post #3  February 7,2012, 8:29am
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well if tumors are showing up in distant parts of the body it sounds like stage IV cancer. Most cancers, once showing distant metastasis, have generally dismal prognoses.

I'd pass unless you want to get attached to someone who probably won't be here in 5 years.

I'm working on assumptions and limited info, but the primary tumor appears to be a brain tumor indicating one of many types of brain cancer:

Long term survival rates for those with brain cancer range from 10% to 32% depending on type of cancer and stage in which discovered. Given distant metastasis it appears to be stage IV and while I'm not a doctor I'd not be too optimistic of him living more than a handful of years, I'm sad to say.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #4  February 7,2012, 9:15am
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I'm not seeking a partner to nurse, and I wouldn't want to fall in-love with someone with a fairly high chance of dying soon, so I'd probably NEXT them. They'd have to have some seriously unique plusses to make-up for that deficit. If I felt they didn't have a personal network of friends I might offer some light assistance in a strictly-friends capacity. By the way, the recent DVD release 50/50 is in part about dating and cancer. Worth watching if you're considering this.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #5  February 7,2012, 9:19am
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ami1uwant wrote :
That said.....have you talked to him and asked him if he is expecting to have someone to take care of him or date him? Most people arent looking for someone to take care of them. Its unfair to him for you to imply that on him.
Whether they expected it or not, if I loved someone, I would do that for them. I think that's the nature of love.
 
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bonzi is offline bonzi Post #6  February 7,2012, 9:57am
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My last two gf used the fact of my MS as a bottom line for a break up. Sad. I function fine and you can't see it until I stress a bit. You need to gather facts and information. What if you were in their situation? I don't want to be "taken" care of, I want to be loved for who I am and embrace what time we have left. As far as cancer, well only you will decide. For me it's about loving someone and having their back. Depending on your involvement I would pass. Your focus needs to be on your folks right now.
 
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boschimsp is online now boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  February 7,2012, 12:49pm
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I agree with the others that if, cancer aside, you see potential in this person, I'd ask them more about their condition before jumping to conclusions. I would hope if they were actively choosing to date that they would be comfortable talking about it and my guess is that if you didn't ask the questions, someone else in your position would. From there you'll probably be able to better assess how it fits into your life. Or if you haven't even had a first date you may find out that there isn't even a connection there and that all this stressing was for nothing.
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #8  February 7,2012, 10:15pm
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you are never under any obligation to take on a strangers problems/baggage/illness as your own in a relationship. i'd think long and hard before i went this route. and then i probably would not do it.
 
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Cali42 is offline Cali42 Post #9  February 8,2012, 2:26pm
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I'm curious to know how much you have already dated. I had cancer a couple years ago and once I found out, I didn't let anything develop with anyone. I knew I had too much on my plate to deal with physically and emotionally (breast cancer). I would agree with finding out more info. If you haven’t invested that much into the relationship, maybe it’s time to transition it to friendship. If I were in the beginning stages of getting to know someone or date, and it came back again, I think I would “release” them so-to-speak. I would not expect them to hang in for the long haul, but at the same time, once it was over I don’t think that if they decided to have interest again that I could go there with them. With your own personal circumstances, I think it reasonable, that you have a lot on your plate and it is okay not to take on anymore. If you are looking for permission, or wondering what would people think… I personally think its okay not to date him anymore. Just treat him how you would like to be treated in the same circumstances.
 
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