Elizabeth Bennett is offline Elizabeth Bennett Post #1  February 6,2012, 7:57am
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I have been seeing a lovely man for nearly 3 years who I love dearly. Last October I moved out because he did not want to get married. We have had a very up and down relationship, too many things to mention here, but I needed him to reflect so I took myself out of the home so that he would see what he was missing, well thats what I hoped. I must admit that I had sent him some very hostile texts about things that he had done over the past three years, but they were more out of frustration than anything else. A few weeks ago, my friend saw him on a dating site. When I quizzed him about this he spent 3 hours saying it wasnt him. Eventually he admitted it, but said he did it because he thought that I didnt want him. I was heart broken and really upset and spent the following days with him. My pictures are still up and many of my things still there, so I did question him about how did he think we were over!! But now I am reflecting and thinking if he really thought he was justified why did he lie to me about it and secondly when I thought I was losing him I ran back and vowed to try and make things better, but when faced with losing me he went on a dating site!!! What should I do?
 
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Dropdeadredtx is offline Dropdeadredtx Post #2  February 6,2012, 9:30am
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You moved out to 'show him what he was missing' and sent him very hostile texts, in your own words, and yet you are surprised he has moved on? You moved out 4 or 5 months ago, did you expect him to be sitting around waiting?
Let this go. Assess your relationship behaviors, and start fresh. Mature, adult behavior leads to mature, adult relationships.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #3  February 6,2012, 9:37am
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I'm not sure how you'd expect him to know if he was missing anything by losing you without dating other women and making comparisons. Can you explain that?

During the relationship, did he every say that being alone would be better than being with you, and that's what you were hoping he would try?
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #4  February 6,2012, 9:59am
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So, you moved in with him without benefit of marriage (or an explicit agreement to marry) and hung around in a quasi-committed relationship for three years, essentially saying with your actions, "Marriage isn't that important to me."

Then, you broke up with him (? - this part isn't clear) or at least moved out because he wouldn't marry you (which is reasonable if marriage was an explicit agreement in the beginning...and is your right whether or not this was so).

But in your mind (did you ever say it out loud?) you were just "teaching him a lesson" and he'd be so bereft he'd come begging you to marry him, right?

And when he didn't come running fast enough to suit you, you sent hostile texts (which, btw, not a great way to make someone miss you).

Why should he explain his dating actions to you? You moved out and broke up, right? Or did you move out assuming you were still in an exclusive relationship?

How many of these relationship expectations have you stated explicitly? How many has he agreed to?

It seems to me that you're sending mixed messages all over the place and then wondering why no one understands what you want.

ETA: If you want to marry and he doesn't - it's a compatibility dealbreaker, not an obstacle to be overcome, even if you were trying to overcome it with mature, reasonable actions rather than the drama. He may very well not want to marry - or he might just not want to marry you and doesn't want to have that particular conversation. All this really should have been on the table and agreed upon before you moved in unless you're comfortable with this conclusion being acceptable.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; February 6,2012 at 10:03am.
 
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Elizabeth Bennett is offline Elizabeth Bennett Post #5  February 6,2012, 10:17am
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Goodness so much to add here- He asked me to marry him several times over the past three years and has now decided that he is not the marrying kind. At the start of our relationship he dumped me for a previous girlfriend, but when it didnt work out he came back to me. I have had trust issues since, especially as I caught him texting this person again. But I loved him and he assured me he loved me so I moved in last year only to find text messages from this ex again. I said I would give him 6 months to prove to me I was important to him. But in those 6 months he wasnt able to, too many things to mention here as I have said previously, so I moved out. I said he really needed to think about what he wanted and I would only move back when he was sure. We kept in contact daily and I did see him at weekends. But I was angry and frustrated as to why we should be in this position and my texts were about how he has let me down. He continued to say how much he loves me, we text and spoke daily and as I said I went to see him at weekends. So when my friend saw him on a dating site you can imagine my dismay, but the worst part was he then spent 3 hours denying it was him. He eventually admitted it, but this is my problem, am I at fault here, or am I with someone who really doesnt love me enough.
I am concerned also that I am turning him into a liar. A couple should enhance eachother and bring out the best in eachother. For some reason I have bought out the worst in him, and he is turning me into someone who is synical and has zero trust.
Last edited by Elizabeth Bennett; February 6,2012 at 10:41am.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #6  February 6,2012, 10:57am
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Elizabeth Bennett wrote :
I am concerned also that I am turning him into a liar. A couple should enhance eachother and bring out the best in eachother. For some reason I have bought out the worst in him, and he is turning me into someone who is synical and has zero trust.
I actually do believe two people can bring out the worst in each other. Please note that his worst is lying and yours is simply accepting the fact that he lies.

That's because he is not a good person. You've lived with a bad person for three years.

I think you should end this. As soon as possible.
 
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Elizabeth Bennett is offline Elizabeth Bennett Post #7  February 6,2012, 11:05am
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harnomygirl wrote :
I actually do believe two people can bring out the worst in each other. Please note that his worst is lying and yours is simply accepting the fact that he lies.

That's because he is not a good person. You've lived with a bad person for three years.

I think you should end this. As soon as possible.
Do you believe that a true heart never lies, because that is what I have said to him. A person only lies when they know what they are doing is wrong. If he had the courage of his convictions he would have been truthful and be able to explain his reasons for going on a dating site straight away. The fact he lied for three hours tells me that he knew he was in the wrong..........do you agree.....or am I too synical ?
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #8  February 6,2012, 11:11am
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Sadly, he has strung you (and probably others simultaneously) His on /off, cat /mouse games has nothing to do with love or lack thereof for you...it's just how he is.

So the "test" of moving in only proved that he is who he is, and again.... nothing about whether he loves you or not.

Whether you live with him, break-up with him, make-up with him or marry him he may love you but...putting all his eggs in one basket is not his style...

You knew this and took him back after the ex thing ..so in his mind....you are OK with his.bouncing around.

He will be who he is ...and on /off move in / move out dramas will continue ...Good Luck.....

Elizabeth Bennett wrote :
He asked me to marry him several times over the past three years and has now decided that he is not the marrying kind.

At the start of our relationship he dumped me for a previous girlfriend, but when it didnt work out he came back to me.

I moved in last year only to find text messages from this ex again. I said I would give him 6 months to prove to me I was important to him.

I moved out. I said he really needed to think about what he wanted and I would only move back when he was sure. We kept in contact daily and I did see him at weekends. But I was angry and frustrated as to why we should be in this position and my texts were about how he has let me down. He continued to say how much he loves me, we text and spoke daily and as I said I went to see him at weekends. So when my friend saw him on a dating site you can imagine my dismay, but the worst part was he then spent 3 hours denying it was him. He eventually admitted it, but this is my problem, am I at fault here, or am I with someone who really doesnt love me enough.
I am concerned also that I am turning him into a liar. A couple should enhance eachother and bring out the best in eachother. For some reason I have bought out the worst in him, and he is turning me into someone who is synical and has zero trust.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #9  February 6,2012, 11:39am
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Elizabeth Bennett wrote :
Do you believe that a true heart never lies, because that is what I have said to him. A person only lies when they know what they are doing is wrong. If he had the courage of his convictions he would have been truthful and be able to explain his reasons for going on a dating site straight away. The fact he lied for three hours tells me that he knew he was in the wrong..........do you agree.....or am I too synical ?
I don't think it matters why a person lies. I would never try to teach an adult not to lie and I don't think you should either. Lying is usually the easiest way to get out of a hairy situation, and many people choose it. Fixing them is possible, I guess, but not worth it in this case.

You've said it's changing you negatively as a person. That's never good.

The only time I've ever seen someone improve in character is when they've been converted religiously. I don't know if that lasts forever either.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #10  February 6,2012, 11:42am
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Sounds to me like you've spent the past three years refusing to face a simple fact - he is just not that into you and not really over his ex. You've been on and off, you've moved in and moved out, you've demanded him to prove to you that he loves you and the one thing that you steadfastly refuse to accept is that he is not who you want him to be and your relationship has never been and never will be what you want it to be and THAT he as shown you plenty and often. At some point you have to accept facts and act accordingly.
 
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