Would a man think me strange?


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SarahAnne is offline SarahAnne Post #1  February 6,2012, 4:42am
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I'm a 37 year old woman who has never really ever dated. There are many reasons for my being isolated for so long including growing up in a cult with my family. Getting away from that life took 25+ years as well as dealing with severe abuse in all forms.
It took many years to deal with all of this but I'm okay now.
I will be starting work and school soon as I build a life for myself.
How does a someone such as myself handle dating when there will inevitably be a conversation about why I have never dated and why I have never had sex? Do I actually say "never had consensual sex?" Not to mention questions as to why I had not attended school or held a job. It's not that I dwell on this but this is my life and who I am. I can not avoid the conversation nor would I lie about it.
I have gotten various advice to these questions. However I need advice from others here.
Obviously I know this is not a first date conversation. However what do men think of someone like me?
Any advice from men or women out there?
I'd rather know if I am just too odd to bother pursuing the idea of dating or a relationship.
How would you handle this as a woman?
How would you react as a man? Would this be the crawl out of the bathroom window when she's not looking type situation? Yes I have good sense of humor but I'm also seriously wondering also.
Thank you for your advice.
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #2  February 6,2012, 10:34am
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I'm sorry for the difficulties you have experienced.
I've got to believe that there are people who escape from various cults as adults al of the time- do you have any friends or know any other people in a similar situation to you? Others, men and women, that have faced what you are facing may have some good advice for you- I'm sure there are some groups online.
In answer to your question, no I don't think you are too odd to have a relationship. There are some unique challenges to be sure, but they certainly are surmountable. I wish you the best of luck!
 
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KikiAZ is offline KikiAZ Post #3  February 6,2012, 11:16am
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You are certainly not the only person to have gone through this. Every person I know of who was raised under such circumstances needed extensive counseling both to get back a sense of self/boundaries and to gain an appreciation of what healthy relationships of all types look like. After therapy, there is no reason you can't move on.

Best.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #4  February 6,2012, 12:44pm
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Focus as much as you can on the life you have now. That you are dating, what you are going to school for and your work. men want to date who you are now......That is to your advantage. Men will see who you are now in front of them....that is what they will think.....Good Luck...
SarahAnne wrote :
I'm a 37 year old woman who has never really ever dated. There are many reasons for my being isolated for so long including growing up in a cult
However what do men think of someone like me?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #5  February 6,2012, 4:39pm
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I agree with Wiseman2.

I think you should omit any mention of anything weird from your profile, any pre-meeting communication, and your early face-to-face conversation.

Odd background - and especially any weirdness presented as an excuse - leads healthy people to bail, while making you vulnerable to creeps.

I never ask about my partners' backgrounds, and I don't care to have it volunteered ... keep the conversation fun, keep it in the present, and keep it moving. Don't blather about yourself and his background; talk about ideas, concepts, current events - learn how to interact before getting personal.

***

If by "never had consensual sex," you mean something other than "never had sex," I suggest you do not, under any circumstance, open this can of worms.

At close to middle age, I think many good guys will bail, some bad guys will smell blood, and that doesn't leave enough compassionate guys for you to sort through (to say nothing of the skill-sets necessary to do so.)

***

I hate to advocate lying, but this is the first time I am tempted to.

If you have to justify being 37 and never worked, you might spin it as you were caring for an ill or elderly family member.
 
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Lenci2525 is offline Lenci2525 Post #6  February 7,2012, 7:28am
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Not first date conversation material but you should tell the guy before it gets to the point where you would consider getting intimate. Trust me when I tell you that everyone has SOMETHING odd about them so this doesn't make you another level of odd. None of it was your fault since you were a child and that was all you knew, I'm glad that you got out and are able to function in life even though you went through a lot of trauma. Go slowly with whoever you date and when you feel that it's going to turn into something more than casual then confess to him, if he judges you for it then he's not the guy that you should be with anyway. Best of luck.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #7  February 7,2012, 7:50am
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Most people have quirks some would consider strange. That's okay. The right man for you will not think you're strange, or at the very least will value your strangeness.

SarahAnne wrote :
How does a someone such as myself handle dating when there will inevitably be a conversation about why I have never dated and why I have never had sex? Do I actually say "never had consensual sex?"
In general, have fun on your dates. You shouldn't be discussing past abuses because, well, it's not very fun! If you need therapy, see a therapist. Don't use dates as therapy sessions. Many divorcees or career women have little dating experience--it's not so unusual. I'd also suggest that revealing your vulnerabilities too early, especially your inexperience when it comes to sex or your abusive past, may leave you vulnerable to predators.

wrote :
Not to mention questions as to why I had not attended school or held a job. It's not that I dwell on this but this is my life and who I am.
We're dating who you are now, not who you once were. If you don't have a degree now, that's a negative, but many men also don't have degrees, so it's not hopeless or anything. Going to school? Have a job now? If not, get one! If you don't like who you are today, do something! Be who you'd like to be.

wrote :
However what do men think of someone like me?
I happen to have a close friend who was in an unusual religious sect. I wouldn't hold what you did as a child against you, but you own the choices you made as an adult. I would want to see that you took responsibility for your decisions and had grown beyond making similar choices in the future. I would also want to see that you don't harbor too many "strange" values that you learned during your time as a member of that religious cult.
Last edited by shapeShifter79; February 7,2012 at 7:54am.
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #8  February 7,2012, 10:22pm
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i wish Ann_The_Bold were still around. she was an ex-nun and wrote about her situation occasionally. (Ex-nun in the dating pool and needs some water wings!!!) you might search for her posts and see what she had to say.
 
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meanminicooper is offline meanminicooper Post #9  February 8,2012, 5:59pm
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I would locate a meetup in your area for shy people or people who might have limited dating experience. Each person in your age range, who is socially timid or has issues dating is likely to have their own history and will be sympathetic to yours.
 
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tink333 is online now tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  February 8,2012, 8:39pm
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Wiseman2 wrote :
Focus as much as you can on the life you have now. That you are dating, what you are going to school for and your work. men want to date who you are now......That is to your advantage. Men will see who you are now in front of them....that is what they will think.....Good Luck...
I agree with this. Men will want to know who you are now. As you develop a deepening relationship, issues of your past will come up in conversation, and while I don't agree that you should lie about them, there are ways to put a positive spin on how they have caused you to seek better for yourself.

Congratulations on getting yourself out of a bad situation and for taking control of your future well-being.
 
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