Please tell me what I'm doing wrong


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NotGettingYounger is offline NotGettingYounger Post #1  February 5,2012, 12:50pm
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A few months ago I decided if I was ever going to have more kids, and I want to, that I was going to have to put some serious effort into finding a significant other. While a family is my long term goal I recognize that you can't run a marathon without taking the first step. My initial goal was, and still is, to casually date women and hopefully find someone to try to take things further with.

I signed up on a free dating site, and more recently on EH, and began contacting women who I found attractive and whose profiles didn't paint them as a negative (or worse) person. While I am aiming a little high I am not looking for anything that I don't bring to the table: physically fit, no major mental illness, no drugs, and attractive to my eye. I am not shooting for an independently wealthy beauty queen who’s a gourmet cook and masseuse by hobby- I know that’s not going to happen. I realize that for a relationship to develop more criteria will come into play but to start out I am just trying to meet some people. In 3 months I contacted over 50 women (my age within about five years), most in my area, a few a little further away as time went on, with brief, polite notes expressing interest and noting a thing or two that we have in common and asking them to reply if they would be interested in further communication. I heard back from five, of which two seemed genuinely interested in trying to meet someone. One was “very interested” in talking further and then never replied to my next message, the other I took out to a nice dinner, she seemed to have a good time and then didn’t return my call. This was slightly disappointing but I understand that some people just aren’t going to be “into me” and that it is part of the process. Of much greater concern to me is the 90% of women who I contacted who didn’t write back, this strikes me as a huge failure rate from a pool of people who didn’t even have a chance to see whatever quirks I might have that would turn them off.

I recognize that women in particular have to be careful meeting men online and that some of these women have received lots of solicitations by men, some of which are less than polite.

While I realize that it is impossible to draw a perfect picture of myself in words here are a few concrete details that one could read or see looking at my profile. First the bad: I have a daughter which I am very upfront about. While I am not looking for a mother for her as she is 16 now I know this isn’t ideal to a woman who wants to start her own family or to someone who doesn’t like kids period. It also might paint me as a bad decision maker, but you can read my and my daughter’s ages and see that I had her while I was in high school- I was a stupid kid at the time! I am also candid that I am not too smooth with the ladies as I’ve been single most of my life and I am exceedingly logical, to a fault (Example: Why would I tell her she’s pretty? Every other guy has told her that, so she must know it, and be sick of hearing it.) Any other faults on my profile I am too biased to see.

On the other hand, to my biased eye, I bring a whole lot to the table: Fit, tall, full head of hair, hard-working, mentally and financially stable, don’t smoke, no drugs, highly educated, handy, clean, and polite. As far as my general appearance let’s assume no one would call me ugly. I have never been a big clothes person but I’m pretty sure I come across as normally dressed- if I go out to a restaurant I seem to be wearing about what most other guys my age are wearing.

So I am left to wonder: Are there tons of people on these sites who are just voyeurs, or who want to meet someone in theory but are too uncomfortable to do it in practice? If that’s not the case, what does it take? Do I have to be the lead singer of a famous rock group, third in line to the British crown, independently wealthy and with six pack abs? It doesn’t seem like a bad deal from a woman’s perspective: you pick an environment you’re comfortable with, I’ll pay, worst case scenario you lose an hour or two of your time. And that’s if we get to the first date, I can’t even get someone to write back! I’m getting exasperated and starting to think I may be better off working twelve hours a day and hoping my daughter gives me some grandkids one day.
Sorry if this comes across as negative and whiny, those are two things that I try not to be but I’ve hit a low point to have written this. Any feedback is appreciated.
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  February 5,2012, 1:09pm
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First, you can always post your profile (eH or otherwise) on here for members to review. Here are the instructions (PROFILE REVIEW INSTRUCTIONS AND GUIDELINES - updated 12/1/10) on how to post your eH profile. To post your other profiles (POF, Match, OKC) use the About You or Dating boards and just copy and paste into the thread. Please, leave out all personally identifying information (usernames, real names, etc).

Second, do not portray your teenage daughter as some sort of baggage. Even the slightest hint that you think your matches perceive you having a teenager as "bad" will not go over well. That kinda says you don't think much of your match. There are women who will welcome a step-child into their lives, no matter how young or old. If you walk in expecting them to have an issue with this, they'll catch on, and they won't like it.
 
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NotGettingYounger is offline NotGettingYounger Post #3  February 5,2012, 1:25pm
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Andie, thank you. Your point on my daughter is well-taken. As I said I'm very up front about the situation with my daughter, I'm just portraying it as "baggage" here because I can see that being a negative to some potential single women.
 
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Scotidragon is offline Scotidragon Post #4  February 5,2012, 1:50pm
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NotGettingYounger wrote :
Andie, thank you. Your point on my daughter is well-taken. As I said I'm very up front about the situation with my daughter, I'm just portraying it as "baggage" here because I can see that being a negative to some potential single women.
Always portray your children as an extention of you. Always be proud of them and always love them. Make sure you say that to any future dates you go on. Parenting isn't easy (I don't have kids yet, but I played one for eighteen years), but your daughter should always, always be a positive topic on any date. Keep in mind she's finding her own identity and the teen years are always the most stressful for any child. It doesn't matter what they do. Never lie about them, but keep in mind this is your flesh and blood you're talking about. Your date will take what you say about your kids to heart and carry it over in little scenarios inside the mind. What you say does have an effect on how you are perceived.
 
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Shelaw is offline Shelaw Post #5  February 5,2012, 3:24pm
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I would be happy to look at your profile and give you my honest opinion. Feel free to send me a message with your info. In the mean time, perhaps I can shed some light on SOME of the reasons women won't reply to you:

First, it is possible that the woman you've contacted is dating someone and wants to give the new relationship time to grow (or die) before talking to other matches. Take a look at how active she has been (top left, under her name). If she hasn't been active for a few days or weeks, move on.

Second, the Guided Communication designed by eHarmony has its merits. Use it. Don't jump straight to email. You will have better success. Some women refuse to communicate, in fact, if you jump ahead.

Third, stop assuming and stop apologizing.

Now, about the issue of being "exceedingly logical" ... You've actually demonstrated that you are not particularly using logic, in your example about telling a woman she is beautiful. Think about it: Is it your job to educate her about her beauty, or is it your job to compliment her on her appearance? If you believe she needs to be educated, you likely have a "superiority" issue that needs to be addressed. Of COURSE a pretty woman has likely been told many times that she is pretty. But your date wants to know if YOU think she is pretty. She wants to be complimented -- not educated. So, logic would dictate that the only way you can share your feelings about her appearance is to tell her.

You might want to evaluate whether you aren't possibly making this kind of a mistake in other ways; approaching issues backwards, or from a skewed perspective, that other people don't quite "get".

You qualify your lack of "smoothness" with women as a "fault." If you don't like this about yourself, perhaps you should take measures to change it. Frankly though, a woman doesn't necessarily like a "smooth" man. She likes an honest, intelligent, funny, and considerate man. (Telling her she is pretty, if you believe it, is considerate, for example). Still -- you might want to spend some time reading about the things women do and do not generally like. eHarm has tons of articles about these things, most of which are fairly good -- as are the comments that follow. Educate yourself.

You said that you are a newbie, yet you also say that you've contacted 50 women? That is, in my opinion, too many. I have a self-imposed "rule" to keep my list of matches down to 20. If it goes over that number, I force myself to archive or close however many matches it takes to get back to 20. Of those 20, I will not communicate online with any more than 5 at a time, and I will actually only date 2 at a time (so long as there is no intimacy involved; then the number drops to 1).

You should be carefully evaluating each match, looking closely to see if the woman is someone who genuinely interests you. If she doesn't, archive it and move to the next -- but keep your standards high and real. Don't even consider whether she will be interested in you; it's about whether you are interested in her. It's her job -- not yours -- to decide whether she'd like to get to know you.

Hopefully you answered your personality profile questions honestly instead of choosing the answers that you wish were true. If not, go back and re-do the questions. The eHarmony matching process only works if you've selected honest answers. In my case, at least, the first 2 men that I've met for dates were/are as "perfect" as it gets. This means that I am no longer communicating with anyone who sends me a note, at least not until I've given these first matches a chance to see where they lead. This means that when I don't answer someone's note, it's not because I'm not interested in him; I haven't even considered the question of interest or compatibility.

As for your daughter, aside from agreeing with the other comments, I'd like to add the obvious: Your profile indicates that you have a child. No need to comment specifically about her beyond that. ANY woman who will not even consider you because you have a kid won't be matched to you in the first place. If the odd match somehow gets through because the woman didnt' answer her questions honestly, and if she has no interest in a man with children, she won't communicate with you. But, again, remember: eHarmony will not match someone to you who doesn't want to even consider someone with kids. Period.

In your post, you point out the characteristics that you believe to be a positive about yourself. Notice, though, that you have said nothing whatsoever about your character, your values, or your feelings. With the exception of education, most everything you listed (full head of hair, handy, clean...) are secondary (at best) to the things a woman seeks.

Again, I invite you to send me a message so I can look at your profile. All the best to you! Hang in there.
 
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JGoodchocolate is offline JGoodchocolate Post #6  February 5,2012, 6:10pm
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First I agree with everything that has been posted (family always comes first) Second, I am a 26 year old women, thin, about average in looks but have an awesome personality. I am always willing to help others and enjoy being with friends and family. Bla bla either way in the long run I dont see anything wrong with me but I have suffered the same issues as you. I write dozens of emails and get very few replys. The few responses I get I will reply politely then never hear from them again So in the long run....dating sites just dont work out for some people! Yes sad I know but just know that loves always comes along when you are not looking for it. Good luck and if you do find an answer that fits....please fill me in
 
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myusernamehere is offline myusernamehere Post #7  February 5,2012, 6:17pm
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You have to keep in mind that men face an uphill battle on these dating sites. So getting 5 responses out of 50 is actually pretty good. You make a good point about the compliments. I'd advise against telling her she's pretty until you're dating her for a decent amount of time. It'll have more meaning than if you use it right away.
 
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NotGettingYounger is offline NotGettingYounger Post #8  February 5,2012, 7:49pm
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Shelaw wrote :
You might want to evaluate whether you aren't possibly making this kind of a mistake in other ways; approaching issues backwards, or from a skewed perspective, that other people don't quite "get".
I appreciate all the feedback and I look forward to learning more on these boards. The above quote probably strikes the heart of some of my problems- my mind seems to work "different" which is a blessing and a curse. Regardless, apparently I am just experiencing the same difficulties everyone else faces with online dating, I just didn't have any way of knowing it. I plan to spend a good amount of time reading through these forums over the next few days.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is online now SteveManchesterEngland Post #9  February 6,2012, 11:59am
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Ticking a box in your profile to indicate you have children will cause problems because it doesn't specify how many and what ages.

Some people wont want to get involved with someone who has a high number of children or very young ones.

In your profile put that you have a 16 year old daughter so the viewer is aware that you don't have a small child and that you only have the one.

"a have a 16 year old daughter who I am very proud of" is the sort of text I appreciated reading.

Your next problem is that you don't realise most profiles are time wasters. Either non subscribers or people who like to be pen pals or people who have an unrealistic expectation. Getting 1 or more dates within a pool of 50 is a good result.

Also work on your photos.
 
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eharmonyjc is online now eharmonyjc Post #10  February 6,2012, 3:06pm
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The 16 year old daughter would be a deal killer for me unfortunately. Maybe that's close-minded of me, but I would have no interest whatsoever in being stepmother to a 16 year old (I'm 29). That being said, I know there are plenty of women who are open to that. Have you been contacting women that are maybe a couple years older than you, or who also have children? Also, many women who are interested in having children will want to see that you have a good job and are financially stable (not rich, just responsible), especially since you had a child so young (many in that demographic do not do well financially). You didn't list that as part of your "features" but it's an important one to many women. I also agree w/ suggestions to post your profile for review in Using eHarmony, and the 5 responses out of 50 is actually pretty good.
 
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