He put me on the spot & I think he's married

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scandalous Post #1 February 3,2012, 6:14pm

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Ok, So I had a lunch date with a guy I met on-line, and after exchanging a few e-mails, we finally had time in our schedules to meet in-person. I had hoped that we could have met sooner, but my schedule is always crazy. We had some decent email conversations.

A few days prior to our "date", I gave him my cell number in an email, telling him if he needed to get a hold of me before the date to give me a call. He said in his reply email that he does not have a cell phone, but gave me his office number. Like who does not have a cell phone these days? And he also claimed to be self-employed, which I would think someone like that would have a cell phone.

I did not feel comfortable to call his office, and wondered why he could not just give me his home number (he did not say he lives at his office, so I would think he would have home number if he did not have a cell phone). And why was he not curious enough to want to call me just to say "hi". Anyway, I got busy so I did not try to over-analyze the whole thing. I figured if he "no showed" for the date, it was still at a place I eat at pretty frequently, so I would still go for lunch and enjoy the food with or without him.

We never had a chance to talk on the phone prior to meeting (and it was at least 5 days or so from the time I gave him my number), so when I figured out who I was meeting (his profile picture was not the best, so I had an "idea" what he looked like), and we actually talked, I decided that I do not like the sound of his voice. It's hard to describe what it was I don't like about it, but it's not something I think I could get used to.

I made it thru lunch with him, it was pleasant enough. But I decided that I was just not feeling it. I did not find him attractive (although he was not "ugly" or anything). It had more to do with other things. Mainly a couple of comments he made. First, we were speaking about Asian cultures (I am half-Asian, and he was well aware of this). He made a comment where he basically exclaimed, "I have found most Asian people to be very racist!"

I tried to hold my composure, and had to bite my tongue to keep from saying something really bad.

(he happens to be Caucasian, which is my other "half", but that is neither here nor there).

Second, when I asked him what his dating experiences have been like for him after a divorce (I am divorced, and he claimed to be), he was unable to really answer the question. He said he did not really have any dating experiences. This led me to believe that I would be his "rebound girl", which I don't prefer to be. I would rather that a guy has given himself sufficient time to heal and figure out what he wants after going thru a divorce, and not jump into dating right away.

And when he started to mention something about his kids, he referred to his (supposed ex)wife as his wife. This later got me thinking that maybe he is still married. He did not want to meet me in the town where he lives in (I used to live in the same town), and he wanted to meet in a different city that I was going to be at. After the lunch, I thanked him for the lunch (I also thanked him when he was paying), and he said he wanted to see me again if I had time. I reminded him that he had my number, but I did not really say anything definite then about seeing him.

Well, later that evening, I got home and was checking email. And he sent me an email, and I happened to notice the time it was sent, and it was in just the exact time that it would take him to drive back to his town and walk into his door.

In the email, he thanked me for taking the time to have lunch with him, and he asked me what did I think of him.

And then he said that he was seated for most of the time, so perhaps I did not have a chance to "check him out."

The thing is, I did "check him out", because when I approached the booth to ask him if he was "John" (not his real name), he stood up. I just happened to notice that he is tall, but much thinner than I prefer in man.

Why would he put me on the spot like that?

And ask what did I think of him? This does not happen to me very often, but when it does, it's very awkward.

It's almost like if a woman says to a guy "does this make me look fat?" I mean, what do they really want you to say? And if a woman really does look fat, does she want the truth? Like, if a woman is not attracted to a guy, does he really want her to say it? I don't think so!

I have always found, if you really like a person, the other person can usually tell, nothing really needs to be asked or said.

No, I did not hug or kiss him goodbye. I told him I don't like to be touched unless I know someone better and feel comfortable--this is true and I tell this to all my dates. And so he said, "I think it would be fun to give you a really big hug just to see what you would do."

He'd be getting a can of whoop-a**, but he was smart enough to not try.

And I noticed, he emailed me after the date, rather than call me, which I feel like if you have already met in person, you're kind of past the email stage, right? Which again, leads me to think that he is still married, and the divorce is not final....or he is simply married and looking to cheat. Married men are off-limits to me. I won't be the "other woman" either.

It looks like I am writing this one off either way.

Wiseman2 Post #2 February 4,2012, 2:37am

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There are so many detective TV show assumptions here...none of it has any basis except that it's a very poor match, for whom you have no respect or attraction.

It sounds as though you were looking for so much fault, because you are still incredible angry about some past situation. Dissecting this guy with all these unsavory theories? Is this making you feel superior?...

Why not date guys who make sense to you, whom you respect and are attracted to.... rather than pick apart every imaginable unknown and replace it with some conspiracy theory....Good Luck

jov27 Post #3 February 4,2012, 4:37am

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I agree with Wiseman. To me he basically sounds like a man you're not attracted to. That's enough.

I don't hear any strong evidence that he's still married. Could be. Could just be separated. Could be divorced. His not casually letting you know how long he's been divorced and saying he doesn't date much leaves all that open. I also would find the 'check me out' comment weird and off putting, but just weird and off putting, no other conclusion.

But it really doesn't matter since the number one thing is that you are not attracted to him. If he asks you out again, or emails and you don't want to lead him on, just thank him for the date and kindly let him know that you don't think you're a good fit. Don't go out with men you aren't interested in.

OlderButWiser0549 Post #4 February 4,2012, 4:37am

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scandalous wrote :

Why would he put me on the spot like that?

And ask what did I think of him? This does not happen to me very often, but when it does, it's very awkward.

My overall impression is this guy sounds insecure, inexperienced and timid, and that would explain why he'd make a boneheaded move like asking you what you think of him.

scandalous Post #5 February 4,2012, 5:35am

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Wiseman2 wrote :

Wiseman2,

Thank you for your input. No, I did not feel like I was looking for so much fault--as I said, he and I had quite a few decent email conversations, so I thought well enough to at least want to meet him in person.

I don't look to feel superior in any way. Normally, I am very relaxed and easy-going and I try my best not to be judgmental. I try to give everyone a chance.

You are right that I was incredibly angry. But not about anything from my past. I have dealt with my past and I am happy. I became angry about his comment about his belief regarding Asian people being racist. I mean seriously, if he really feels that Asian people are racist, WHY would he agree to go on a date with a woman (me) who he knows ahead of time that she is half-Asian?

So, I wasn't attracted to him once I saw him, this is true...but I wanted to at least give him the respect of sitting and having lunch with him, since we were both already there and exchanging hellos, etc. I could have been disrespectful and simply said good-bye and left without eating with him. He killed all of the respect I may have had for him, mainly with his comment about Asians, and then later saying he thinks it would be funny to give me a hug just to see what I would do, after I told him I don't like to be touched.

You are right, Wiseman, I won't ever really know if he is married or not, and I came to that conclusion based on all of those things I pieced together. I used to work in law enforcement, so that's where I tend to over-analyze things.

I have been trying to find guys who make sense to me! I thought this guy was decent enough on email. My lesson learned is always talk on the phone before meeting, and try to meet sooner rather than later.

littlebluemonkeymind Post #6 February 4,2012, 5:49am

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I think there's a bit of a tendency to over-analyze.

There's a certain fit that feels comfortable and anything outside that is reaching. If a man tells me he doesn't like to talk on the phone, my radar goes up a bit. I don't need long, multi-hour conversations, but I do like to chat now and then about what's going on. I'm not a big fan of text and the few times that I've dated men who were text-heavy, it's not gone particularly well. I'm serious about transparency in a relationship and the first hint I get that a man is secretive and my gut starts yelling. Sometimes I've quelled this long enough to get to know someone better, but it usually hasn't worked out.

The bottom line is, if someone isn't a good fit, there isn't really a reason to suss out the whys other than examining myself to see if what I feel is real or is manufactured by my quirky little mind. That's really the only take-away from a less than steller date.

Wiseman2 Post #7 February 4,2012, 5:54am

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This date lasted way too long...at least it would have for me. As soon as that remark came out...time to say. "I need to go now".... leave money on the table for your half...end of story.

scandalous wrote :

He killed all of the respect I may have had for him, mainly with his comment about Asians

scandalous Post #8 February 4,2012, 5:55am

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OlderButWiser0549 wrote :

My overall impression is this guy sounds insecure, inexperienced and timid, and that would explain why he'd make a boneheaded move like asking you what you think of him.

I was talking to a different guy on the phone, not too long ago...again, another one that I had not yet met in person. We had a chance to talk on the phone a few times. Nothing really odd came up until in one conversation, he asked me, "Do you find me attractive?" I did not know how to answer at first, and told him that I couldn't answer that question since I had not met him in person yet, and I would like the chance to meet him before I could say if I do or not. And he kept saying, "but I need to know, do you find me attractive?" It was very awkward and uncomfortable. Needless to say, I decided not to meet him.

For me, attraction is not only physical (looks), but also emotional and intellectual. I don't base attraction entirely by looks, I think you have to have the whole package. I like to be with someone that I can talk to, and have good conversations with. It's hard to explain that to someone when they seem mainly concerned about their looks. I've dated really good-looking men and not so good-looking men, so I don't feel like I am hung-up on appearance. I am not a supermodel in any way shape or form, but I am confident and I think I look pretty good--but I would not want that to be the only thing that a guy wants to date me for. I am smart, creative, and have a lot of other things to bring to the table.

Wiseman2 Post #9 February 4,2012, 5:59am

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Where ever you are finding these guys is in the wrong place...they all seem to be jerks...so quit that dating site and find somewhere else...Good Luck

scandalous Post #10 February 4,2012, 6:05am

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Wiseman2 wrote :

This date lasted way too long...at least it would have for me. As soon as that remark came out...time to say. "I need to go now".... leave money on the table for your half...end of story.

Yes, you are right. I should have left. I think Asians, for the most part, have been conditioned to be "too nice", and a lot of my friends (who are not Asian) tell me that I have to stop being "so nice." We see it as being gracious and respectful, but I can see where others could take advantage of that.

What made me feel worse, is that we were in an Asian restaurant (like I said, it was his choice to eat there) and a restaurant that I eat at frequently. He said the comment pretty loud, and I am sure that the employees and other (Asian) customers had to have heard what he said.

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