Long distance first date etiquette


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GrlOutdoor is offline GrlOutdoor Post #1  February 1,2012, 2:10pm
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I've met a man on eHarmony who wants me to travel to him for the first meeting. He has a dog that needs multiple insulin shots a day. I've clarified that I would be staying in a hotel after thanking him for his offer for me to stay at his home. I'm curious though... who pays for the travel expenses? I'm used to being taken out while being courted and I am really new to long distance dating. This will be the first meeting I will be making. I'm also curious if other women have traveled to the man. Another man who I stopped communicating with before real talk of travel happened had also asked me to travel to him because he is a single parent in full custody. I'm a little surprised...
 
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eharmonyjc is online now eharmonyjc Post #2  February 1,2012, 2:17pm
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You should pay for the travel expenses. Even if it doesn't work out with him you will at least get a nice weekend vacation out of it. How long of a distance is it?

I would be more concerned about the long-term potential here though. If he's not going to come visit you now, when will he? Or is everything going to be squarely on your shoulders when it comes to the travel part of it? Are you willing to relocate to where he lives in the near future, or vice versa?
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #3  February 1,2012, 2:30pm
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You have to pay for the travel expenses, although he may offer to reimburse you later. If that makes you feel uncomfortable, don't go. Many women simply refuse and keep looking for matches who will travel to see them.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  February 1,2012, 2:31pm
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To answer your question, yes I have traveled and have had men travel to me. For that first time, whoever is traveling absolutely should be staying in the hotel. As for costs, the way it worked out is that I paid for the actual travel, he paid for everything once I got there. In a couple of cases, he insisted on paying for the hotel so that our expenditures were more evenly divided for that first meet. Basically, it's a pretty large mutual investment and you can't expect the guy to pick up the entire tab for you nor should he expect you to bear the brunt of the cost. There is a huge difference between spending $20 on your dinner and spending anywhere from several hundred to close to a thousand for a weekend trip for you.

Having said all that, before you even bother going, please address the following topics with him. How is this going to work if he can't ever travel to you because of his dog? Are you willing to do all the traveling? If you are doing all the traveling, is he willing to reimburse you some of the costs of all that travel to keep the financial investment reasonably balanced? Does he even have the means to support a long distance relationship? Do you? It is expensive. If things were to work out between the two of you, can either one of you move? If neither one can or is willing to, you are wasting your time on this. Long distance relationships are a very different animal and some practical, unromantic things have to be addressed at a completely different time and pace than they would be if you were dating locally.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #5  February 1,2012, 2:35pm
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Without knowing your distance apart....this situation he is in of needing you to always come to him could become an issue down the road.

Before even meeting in an LDR I usually discuss long term plans if this was going to work...am i expected to move there..she move to me...or we both agree to move to a third city.

Because of my career, there are certain places in the country I just cant move to.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is online now SteveManchesterEngland Post #6  February 1,2012, 3:20pm
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I wouldn't take the approach of "I'm used to being taken out".

He has offered you accommodation and claims he can't travel to you because of his dog. I think this is what I'd call a non starter. Find someone who doesn't have a daft excuse for not being able to travel.
 
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Goomph is online now Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  February 1,2012, 3:30pm
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I believe Steve has touched an important point.

You are expecting to be taken care of (somewhat), expensewise. And he offered what he would, and you turned down his offer for accomodation and chose to spend extra and stay in a hotel.

Things usually fall into a routine from the start. And yours is starting with you bearing the full cost of travel and accomodation while you are there. And I doubt he will be able to travel to you because of his dog.

Please go into this with your eyes wide open ...And good luck !

SteveManchesterEngland wrote :
I wouldn't take the approach of "I'm used to being taken out".

He has offered you accommodation and claims he can't travel to you because of his dog. I think this is what I'd call a non starter. Find someone who doesn't have a daft excuse for not being able to travel.
 
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GrlOutdoor is offline GrlOutdoor Post #8  February 1,2012, 4:16pm
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Thank you for your great replies! After I wrote out my question and posted it a little voice in me also said "I should pay and make it a little vacation for me beyond meeting him." So, I will meet him and then drive down to visit a cousin a couple of hours south and then travel head over to visit an old co-worker who lives in the state as well. Hearing from all of you just helped confirm what I was starting to think! :-)
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #9  February 1,2012, 5:26pm
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I consider it fine to expect to share the travel cost.

This can get touchy if it's significantly more costly for one of you to travel than the other, particularly if driven by schedule or comfort differences. So, in my actual experience, I find it easier that for whoever travels, the other person pays the meals and activities, and you try to alternate travel. That said, I am used to the woman traveling, since I had the less flexible work obligations, and better housing.

I would not share a hotel bill, since this is an emotional cost and not a travel cost. All else, plane, parking ... anything you had to pay, is rightly shared. I'd have to assess it on a case by case basis, if my match were combining a personal trip (hasn't happened to me.)

***

Don't be insulted, but I think you're diving into a deep end on this idea, and you don't sound ready for it:

- Your expectation of "being courted" doesn't comply with occupational reality.

- You're falling for lame excuses, and not real constraints, to participative planning.

- Unless you can travel every week, don't get on the plane unless you're prepared to be intimate or end that relationship. In most cases, those are the only options.
 
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tink333 is online now tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  February 2,2012, 3:14am
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You haven't mentioned how far you are travelling. It would make a difference to me if I knew we'd be taking plane rides back and forth to see each other vs. driving. It most likely would affect how often we would be able to see each other affecting how realistic it might be to build a deeply loving relationship.

I agree that you should pay for the hotel since he offered his place and you refused. Your refusal on this first meet is logical and safe and the right thing to do, but you shouldn't expect him to pay for it.

In this day and age, I don't usually hear women expecting the man to take care of every expense. That attitude is usually from women who are older or grew up rich and entitled. It usually doesn't wash well in the dating world, period. You should expect to share expenses in some fashion.

LDR's can be tricky. It can be easy to fall into the visit that becomes the booty call vs. building a real relationship. An LDR takes more effort and money than a local one because of the travel expenses, and it also takes more advance planning.

Go meet him this time and see if you even like each other, but I'd be cautious because his posturing with the doggy excuse makes it sound like he's never going to make the effort to travel to you - and for me that would be a huge issue.
 
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