EricaWIP is offline EricaWIP Post #1  January 31,2012, 6:28am
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Hi,

So I have seen a lot of very opinionated people on here about this subject, but I feel that I need to know how I should approach things because I feel like dating is going to be put between a rock and a hard place. Let me explain...

First, I am a 31 year old woman. I am a scientist for a major pharmaceutical company, I own my own home, I have 3 degrees, including a Ph.D., and I am generally a very likeable person. I am tall, at 5'11" and a little on the bigger side, but I am working on that. I am funny, witty, intelligent and likable. I am caring, loving and a hopeless romantic who melts at the sight of flowers and babies. I am a natural brunette with a reddish tint, blue eyes and curves where they should be. All in all, I am a pretty darn good person, and I hate being single.

Now, my issue. I was born with a medical condition called tetragametic chimerism. This essentially means that my mom was pregnant with twins, and some time in development, the two eggs fused, leaving one baby with two different genetic codes. Unfortunately for me, one of them was a boy. So in development, while the vast majority of my body was developing into a little girl, my bones, muscles and REALLY unfortunately, my external genitalia formed into a boy. Internally though, I have all the working parts of a woman. Having grown up as a boy (because that's what my parents thought they had, and no doctors ever told us differently), and subsequently finding out all this medical information, I have started living as the girl I was supposed to be. It is an intersex condition, which is different than being transgender because with a TG person, its all in their head.

Now, my question is this. If I am 75-80% genetic female, and can do all the things that any genetic female can do, including having kids, what, if anything do I need to tell my potential matches. If my body is mostly female, I look female, I talk like a female, walk like a female, and am essentially female in every way shape and form (except my bone structure), do I still need to tell men about my past up front or since I can operate like any other natal female, I shouldn't need to tell them about my past until we are farther into the relationship.

Its a tricky subject and I wanted to get opinions from others...
Last edited by EricaWIP; January 31,2012 at 10:59am. Reason: Picture was too large, so I deleted it
 
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Ingytravel is online now Ingytravel Post #2  January 31,2012, 10:30am
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You keep saying, "Should I tell men about my 'past'"...Are you saying that you have had an operation to change your genitalia to a female? So you have female parts on the top and the bottom...(trying to keep PG here)....and can have intercourse with a man?

You say you can have children so I am thinking the answer is yes but your post is a bit confusing so I apologize for no understanding it all.

This is the determining factor on whether this is about your "past" or what is reality in the present if you still have a male body part. If it's the latter, than you need to disclose this immediately....even on your profile.

I am hoping that you have had counseling to help deal with such a difficult situation throughout your life.

I will wait to hear the answers to the above to say much further...
 
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jimmyh452 is online now jimmyh452 Post #3  January 31,2012, 10:39am
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I'd need to know up front. I'd be angry finding this out down the line.
 
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EricaWIP is offline EricaWIP Post #4  January 31,2012, 10:58am
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OK, Ingytravel...you asked some great questions and I am happy to help you understand my predicament. Thank you first for replying for class and integrity that I honestly have not seen much from people on eH.

You keep saying, "Should I tell men about my 'past'"...Are you saying that you have had an operation to change your genitalia to a female? So you have female parts on the top and the bottom...(trying to keep PG here)....and can have intercourse with a man?
Yes. I work like any other female. All my parts are there, but it really wasn't changing my parts as much as it was just connecting the outside world with my inside world. It would be as if I was born with a cleft palette, and doctors went in to just "fix the glitch" to quote Office Space. Therefore, when I am intimate with a man, I function just the way any other girl does. Some say I operate better because I have initmate knowledge of what feels good (i.e. speed, rhythm, etc) and what does not (i.e. teeth).

You say you can have children so I am thinking the answer is yes but your post is a bit confusing so I apologize for no understanding it all.
Yes, given the right conditions and timing, I can get pregnant, carry a child to term, and deliver that child (probably by C-section, do to surgical scarring). And if you think my post is confusing, try living my life!

This is the determining factor on whether this is about your "past" or what is reality in the present if you still have a male body part. If it's the latter, than you need to disclose this immediately....even on your
profile.
Nah, that "birth defect" of mine has been gone for a while. Think of it like your appendix, a man's nipples, or your wisdom teeth. It really had no function in my life except at one point letting me go to the restroom faster at ballgames. Right now, as I said before, I look 100% female on my entire body. I even have natural D-cups (fake ones looked so horribly bad I never got them).

I am hoping that you have had counseling to help deal with such a difficult situation throughout your life.
Yes I do, and she has helped me a lot. My team of professional doctors have played such a pivotal role in my life that I don't know where I would be without them.

I hope this answered your questions...let me know if I can fill you in further.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  January 31,2012, 12:17pm
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It's pretty much the same as anyone who has some illness or disability. You don't want to disclose this to every random stranger you are meeting. There is no point and it's none of their business. However, you do need to disclose once you have gone out on a couple of dates and you know you are both interested in seeing each other again. This way you are not waiting until they are emotionally involved and liable to get angry, while not disclosing your medical history to all and sundry.

Also, I'd figure out how to keep this brief and easy to grasp. A summary version of what you said in your posts along the lines of I was born with a genetic disorder where I had male and female genitals. I had to undergo some operations to remove the male genitals. Other than some scars from the surgery I am a woman, I can get pregnant, I can have normal healthy children, and otherwise function like any other normal woman minus the surgical scars. I would be prepared to answer some additional questions about it, but for that initial conversation, would probably not go all out about being raised as a boy and the psychological things you've had to deal with. If you are fine and you have your life and your mind together, then let them learn that instead of just leaping to judgments. Deeper conversations about your past probably best saved for down the road or more for coming out naturally in bits and pieces rather than a huge info dump that's hard to absorb.
 
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Ingytravel is online now Ingytravel Post #6  January 31,2012, 12:27pm
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EricaWIP wrote :
OK, Ingytravel...you asked some great questions and I am happy to help you understand my predicament. Thank you first for replying for class and integrity that I honestly have not seen much from people on eH.

You keep saying, "Should I tell men about my 'past'"...Are you saying that you have had an operation to change your genitalia to a female? So you have female parts on the top and the bottom...(trying to keep PG here)....and can have intercourse with a man?
Yes. I work like any other female. All my parts are there, but it really wasn't changing my parts as much as it was just connecting the outside world with my inside world. It would be as if I was born with a cleft palette, and doctors went in to just "fix the glitch" to quote Office Space. Therefore, when I am intimate with a man, I function just the way any other girl does. Some say I operate better because I have initmate knowledge of what feels good (i.e. speed, rhythm, etc) and what does not (i.e. teeth).

You say you can have children so I am thinking the answer is yes but your post is a bit confusing so I apologize for no understanding it all.
Yes, given the right conditions and timing, I can get pregnant, carry a child to term, and deliver that child (probably by C-section, do to surgical scarring). And if you think my post is confusing, try living my life!

This is the determining factor on whether this is about your "past" or what is reality in the present if you still have a male body part. If it's the latter, than you need to disclose this immediately....even on your
profile.
Nah, that "birth defect" of mine has been gone for a while. Think of it like your appendix, a man's nipples, or your wisdom teeth. It really had no function in my life except at one point letting me go to the restroom faster at ballgames. Right now, as I said before, I look 100% female on my entire body. I even have natural D-cups (fake ones looked so horribly bad I never got them).

I am hoping that you have had counseling to help deal with such a difficult situation throughout your life.
Yes I do, and she has helped me a lot. My team of professional doctors have played such a pivotal role in my life that I don't know where I would be without them.

I hope this answered your questions...let me know if I can fill you in further.
Thanks for sharing all of this...I agree with DancingFool in the timeline of giving these details...

It sounds like you have taken a lot of time and effort to sort through everything physically and emotionally to get to a very peaceful and happy place.

There will always be those who don't understand or want to understand...as I'm sure you have encountered...but then those are people that you wouldn't want in your life anyway.

I wish you luck
 
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Tipitina is offline Tipitina Post #7  January 31,2012, 12:45pm
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I agree with DF -- your medical issue is something that needn't be shared right up front. Figure out whether you like the man and want to explore a relationship before you share such intimate details of your life. From your post, you sound like a very mature, rational person, and someone who would seek out a man with those qualities. That can only help in a situation like yours.

Coming up with a brief version about the condition is a wise idea, too. Most people have a hard time knowing how to react to surprising news, and the unfamiliar makes them uncomfortable. Your being able to explain it briefly and calmly will set the tone, letting men know that you're 'all woman' so to speak, from an emotional, physiological and self-defining perspective. If you're able to discuss it in a matter-of-fact way, it shows that you've worked through any psychological issues and have no gender confusion. In other words, "it's an issue, and I've worked through all of the details so I can move forward on all dimensions of a great relationship."

It's easy to offer platitudes here about the right guy being understanding, but I believe that will be the case. There are men out there who will want to be with you and will work to understand the situation rather than having a negative reaction.
 
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Mike74 is offline Mike74 Post #8  January 31,2012, 12:50pm
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EricaWIP wrote :
You keep saying, "Should I tell men about my 'past'"...Are you saying that you have had an operation to change your genitalia to a female? So you have female parts on the top and the bottom...(trying to keep PG here)....and can have intercourse with a man?
Yes. I work like any other female. All my parts are there, but it really wasn't changing my parts as much as it was just connecting the outside world with my inside world. It would be as if I was born with a cleft palette, and doctors went in to just "fix the glitch" to quote Office Space. Therefore, when I am intimate with a man, I function just the way any other girl does. Some say I operate better because I have initmate knowledge of what feels good (i.e. speed, rhythm, etc) and what does not (i.e. teeth).
Erica, I generally agree with the advice that DF and Ingy gave. However, I read the bolded sentence above to indicate that you were a "man" beyond the point of sexual maturity, and had intimate relationships with women in that capacity. Given that your surgery did not occur until after you were an adult, I think that you need to disclose the fact that you lived as a male at the same time that you discuss the surgery. I don't think that you need to give all of the details upon the initial conversation, although I imagine that any man would have a lot of questions.

You certainly sound like an accomplished and intelligent woman with a lot to offer the right man. I wish you the best!
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #9  January 31,2012, 2:27pm
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If you post clear photos and have all female equipment and no male equipment, I see no reason to disclose before or one a first date. We're dating who you are now, not who you were ten years ago. Still, you must realize many people in this world are not so enlightened, and may become violent if they realize they've kissed or more someone with your history. I would make sure to time your disclosure when you're in a semi-public place. By that, I mean somewhere you can have a private discussion but not out of earshot of others, in case they become dangerous. And I would do this before they know your last name or your place of employment or where your home is located. Which suggests an early date, perhaps the second or third.
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #10  January 31,2012, 2:34pm
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shapeShifter79 wrote :
If you post clear photos and have all female equipment and no male equipment, I see no reason to disclose before or one a first date. We're dating who you are now, not who you were ten years ago. Still, you must realize many people in this world are not so enlightened, and may become violent if they realize they've kissed or more someone with your history. I would make sure to time your disclosure when you're in a semi-public place. By that, I mean somewhere you can have a private discussion but not out of earshot of others, in case they become dangerous. And I would do this before they know your last name or your place of employment or where your home is located. Which suggests an early date, perhaps the second or third.
This ^^^ is something you really must think about.
 
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